Feeling gutted

[katya38]

After yesterday's post I took a pregnancy test but it was negative then later that night

my period came. Feel annoyed with myself for getting my hopes up. Feel as devastated as I did when our icsi failed. This is such a horrible journey. I really struggled at work today just feel really sad. Felt I had a clear path in mind with the donor egg cycle and adoption but now I'm just not sure. Just not sure I can keep putting myself through it it's no life. My husband has agreed we can start the adopt journey in January and just try naturally too. But not sure whether to give up on donor eggs. Xx

[72cloud9]

i really feel for u. Thats happened to me a few times last couple of years where I was late and its like my body must have been willing my period not to come because as soon as i got that disappointing result on the stick, it would arrive. Sounds like your husband is very understanding so u r very lucky in that regard. I cant get mine to even discuss adoption which if Im honest would have been the answer for me all along.

Just take some time now to look after yourself and hopefully by January you will feel a bit brighter and clearer about what you want to do

sending hugs x

[katya38 in reply to 72cloud9]

Thanks. He does want to adopt but he wants us to try other ways first. We can only afford 1 round of donor eggs and I'm terrified a.of going through another 2ww and b. Of going through it and it fails when I've spent all my savings on it. Adoption makes me feel hopeful donor eggs doesn't anymore. I just want to feel I'm moving forward xx

[72cloud9 in reply to katya38]

Completely understand. My friends think im mad not to remortgage the house, get bank loans anything to make this happen but they have kids - they dont get that using your entire life savings to be potentially left with nothing is devestating! Then u have no kids and no money! It scares the cr*p out of me.

I think it sounds like you definitely need a break from thinking about it all - there's no major time pressure on donor egg and I think with adoption, they dont want you to be mid treatment or anything for at least 6 months (altho someone did say that might have changed)

In the mean time no harm in keep practising the baby making. I get mail from a natural fertility website that promotes and sells lots of natural ways to boost fertility. Ill pm u the website. Might be of some use or interest.

xxx

[katya38 in reply to 72cloud9]

Thanks. We have our ivf follow up appointmentioned a week on tue so will see what they say. I don't want to leave it too long. 2 be honest I'd jump into adoption next week but need to make sure my husband is really ok with starting in January. Thanks for your support this group really keeps me going xx

[72cloud9 in reply to katya38]

Ah well maybe give yourself a week off thinking about it (easier said than done i know!) as u probably can't discuss much further now with hubby til u know what they say at the follow up.Then have another conversation after that. If u started adoption process now or Jan, probably wont make a lot of difference with xmas in the middle delaying stuff.

Do something nice this weekend together x

I know - finding this group has been my life line xxx

[sarahlou1606]

Hello. Sorry to hear your sad news. Can I ask how many eggs you had and fertilised etc and what day transfer? Don't want to give you pants advise by not knowing your info. This is my 3rd IVF x

[katya38 in reply to sarahlou1606]

Thanks. We only got 1 egg but it

did fertilise. Got a bfn tho 😐 we've already been told that we won't get another cycle as we had less than 3 eggs xx

[Hidden]

Im so sorry lovely to hear that-I was hoping you would get your rainbow 🌈

We've all been there - every month I hope not to get my period -not that ever stops it. Know how you feel it is beyond heartbreaking 😢And picking yourselves up afterwards is exhausting.

Best not too make any hard or fast decisions when you are upset.

Maybe just enjoy time out each other's company and enjoy the freedom of not having fertility treatment.

Remember we are all here for you 💕💕💕💕

[katya38 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks you're right it's so draining and just feel it's affecting the quality of my life more and more. It's heartbreaking xx

[sarahlou1606]

Won't get another cycle as in on the NHS or at all?

Did you have a day 3 or 5 transfer?

I am very much like you o have no idea what happens next if this one doesn't work 😔 X

[katya38 in reply to sarahlou1606]

We had 3 day transfer. The nhs wont give us another. Had planned to go private with donor eggs dec /January. But just not sure about the donor eggs now.xx

[sarahlou1606]

I thought I had replied to this. Sorry if I have replied twice.

Is it a problem with your eggs? I have heard donor eggs can be very successful. I think it depends on the issues to start with.

Don't make any major decisions right now. You need to be kind to yourself for a while and get past the devastating news you've had.

It is so hard, no one understands unless they are going through it x

[katya38 in reply to sarahlou1606]

Exactly and it's comforting speaking to people who've been through it. My amh level is 4.8 so it is low but not that bad. Yeah I think donor eggs can be but I've heard lots of people where it's failed and we can only afford 1 cycle. It terrifies me loosing all my life savings. I've always wanted to adopt. I would start the process tom but my husband wants to wait until January xx

[Bighope4 in reply to katya38]

Hi katya, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's a heartbreaking journey.

Donor eggs do have high success rates, I've had a number of early losses with my own and yet success first time with donor but of course there's no guarantees. And it's all so expensive 😩 If you choose this then definitely go abroad for the sake of quality (younger donors) and availability. Adoption sounds perfect for you too, you could clearly offer a little one the best family. Please look after yourself and best of luck on your journey xx

[katya38 in reply to Bighope4]

Thank you its a hard decision xx

[sarahlou1606]

I assume you don't want to try with your own eggs again then?

I think adoption is definitely the way I would go after I have exhausted all the IVF options. I think I may try donor eggs first and then if no joy it will be adoption.

I think that your husband is willing to adopt though is great

Would you be happy not to have a newborn though?

[katya38 in reply to sarahlou1606]

I would have definitely taken another nhs cycle with my own but we have limited funds and are not prepared to get into loads and loads of debt. We felt donor eggs was our best chance of a baby. I'm really maternal and know i could defo love a child that wasn't mine. I think I'd be ok not having a newborn think I'd just be so happy to be a mum. Think we'd be more likely to get a 1-2 year old xx

[katya38]

Thanks for all the comments and support. Don't know what I would do without this group xx

[vic77]

Hey Hun. .hugs to you. I just hate hearing another brave woman feeling all crappy..this process sucks😢😢😢you come this far..hang in there..allow yourself to feel crap today cause it is crap. So know how you feel..it feels like life been on hold for years..like everyone says sounds like a wee break from thinking about all this..do something nice this weekend and only make decisions when you feel less upset. Your feelings today are totally understandable but don't give up just yet cause you feel rubbish today. Keep going with a plan..any plan that works for you both. Sending huge hugs xx

[katya38 in reply to vic77]

Thanks yeah I know things are probably pretty raw today. I want to make sure my husband is ok with the adoption too before rushing into it. It's just the unfairness of it all when you've been trying for years to never get that bfp. I just had a good feeling this time 😐 I feel we've had it hanging over us since easter, my whole summer holidays were taken up with it and we were thinking of doing the donor eggs over Christmas. Just want to feel normal again xx

[vic77]

I know exactly what you mean...what is normal when in this???? So easy to forget what life was like before all this..it is so all consuming. Take a breather xxx

[NG13]

So t feel bad you were just hoping for something lovely like we all do on this forum......

We don't ask for much !!!

Why don't you take a some time off work if your able to??

Give yourself time to have a think about things?

Xxxx

[katya38 in reply to NG13]

Thanks but I can't really take time off. I'm a primary school teacher. To be honest I'm better keeping busy. My class of 5 year olds cheer me up. Tom is Friday tho I'll get the weekend off xx