Choosing the donor

I need the clinic to choose the donor.

Good morning, everyone! IS there anyone who has been to the fertility clinic where you can choose the donor? I do not want to have a child not only from someone I do not know but also from a girl I haven’t seen even a photo of. Actually that bothers me a lot, that I won’t be able to be a biological mother to my child.. Maybe someone has been through it and can give me advice on what to do. I am not afraid of the treatment itself (o will undergo ivf on de) because I have already been through 3 unsuccessful attempts. Now I feel like it is nothing. I have given up on the idea that I will be able to call myself a mother at all. Like it is kind of impossible to see yourself as a mother to a child born from another woman’s egg.

Okay. But if you know the clinics (in Europe would be better) that provide such an option I would appreciate your replies. Thanks.

26 Replies

  • Hi. I do not think that you are right in here when talking about how you won’t have any connection with your child. I know that this is a common fear of every woman that is about to undergo the fertility treatment but trust me you will lose all of your doubts and fears once you get 2 big fat lines!

  • Hi! I hope so.. But for now as I haven’t been able to prove myself that I am able to be a mother and won’t prove in the future. The thought of me carrying someone else’s child is frustrating. Like I want to have my own kids, I want to be able to just simply reproduce. But I can’t… I am praying to get those two lines for my dh to finally be happy. He wants to have kids so bad.. You know, I won’t blame him if he decides to leave me for another woman who is fertile unlike me..

  • I see that you are really devastated – don’t be! It is only a matter of time when you get your kids. You see, in my opinion, men usually love watching their wives being pregnant and when you will carry his baby it will make him happy. I do not think that it is something that can make someone to break up with the person they love.

    Actually, there is a slight chance of you getting your own babies. I mean did your previous attempts result in bfn? Was it because of the quality of your eggs?

  • I am 40 yo. It was told me that I have no particular health issue that could lead me to infertility but believe me or not with all of the fertility tx we have been trying for about 7 years now. We did last ivf tx just because I have been begging everyone to allow me to do it on my own eggs. I was and am that desperate. It was my last chance though.. And there is no hope left. I know that some of us can conceive naturally after ivf tx but that is not my case..

    But love is so fragile..

  • Hun, I am so sorry. 7 years without getting any hope. I am sure that you will achieve what you want, maybe it wasn’t a time for you..

    If you want to think so you can, but if you allow yourself to believe in truth such as you dh loves you way more than anyone else. He is still with you after 3 ivf attempts and I do not think that he will ever leave you. Some men don’t get bothered when their children are being carried by surros.

  • Maybe it wasn’t but when it is the right time? I mean, now I think that never. Like I almost lost my hope the only thing I have. Trying for 7 years, going from one dr to another, listening to harsh words of drs that do not think a lot about your feelings, watching mothers with their kids on the streets.. I am lucky to have my dh..

  • We have all been there, sweetheart. I am sure that everyone on this forum can tell about her lowest point in the life, but look at the people here on the forum, there are a lot of people who continue fighting and try more and more and with every single failure they become stronger and stronger.

    Have you asked your hubbby what are his thoughts on surrogacy? Maybe he isn't that against it anymore?

  • Hello! You are so brave to not lose hope because continuing trying is something that you should be proud of. I applaud you! You know, there are a lot of women who have been through surrogacy on donor’s that still think that the kids they are having are their own. And they are right. I do not think that you should pay so much attention to not being the biological mother to your kid because it doesn’t matter in reality. What matters is how you treat your baby and how you raise him. But I am not going to lie to be able to choose the donor is a necessity.

  • Thank you! But I am not.. I feel like I had to give up a long time ago… I know that I will take care of my baby and I would do everything so he feels alright but I do not think that it is enough…

  • But it is! What else do we need in this life? We need to be loved, to be fed, and to be cared of. And if you will give all of that to your child it won’t matter if you are not his biological mother. He will love you with the love of the child. Also how about those families with adopted kids where those kids consider themselves as a part of the family just because they are being taken care of greatly.

  • A lot has been said I have to add only one thing. When you take your kid out of the maternity house, when you deliver your baby it is the time when you understand that you are a mother. I think that it was your past bfns that have influenced your present mentality but please do not make your situation worse by thinking in the negative direction. It won’t help. What will help is to try to imagine your happy life with your baby. You know you will be carrying him for 9 months and I am sorry but it kind of makes you his mother. If not you he can’t be born. Just think about your role in the whole process, try to focus on it rather than on those awful thoughts about how you are not genetically connected with the kid. Good luck hun.

  • Oh wow.. I actually haven’t thought of it in this direction… This is kind of nice, I am one of the necessary elements of him getting into the life! That’s great. Thank you.

  • You know that you are not only one of the key elements in his birth process but also you are the one who initiated it, if not you he wouldn’t even be in plans. He will be a result of you desire to have babies. I think that you can call yourself his mother even more now. Because you have wanted to have a baby and to achieve that you have been through a lot and have found the best way to make your wish to come true. I hope that you feel better now!

  • I agree with everyone who has commented here. In my clinic you can actually choose the donor but unfortunately you won’t be able to meet the woman you have chosen.. Sad but I am okay with it though.

  • Hi. It is not necessary to me to meet the donor, I mean it’d be even better if I do not meet her at all, because I do not want to imagine her when holding my kid or anything. I am sure that her face will pop up every single time when I am looking at my child. I even think of giving the right to choose the suitable girl to my hubby. I do not think that it matters to him as much as it does to me.

  • But why do you even need to choose the donor if you do not want to see her? Maybe it’d be better to leave the right to match one to your dr? He knows better what you need and your phenotype and will match the best girl out of there..

  • How do you not understand this? I want to have a kid that resembles me a lot. But I do not want to know how the donor looks like. I need my husband to watch over the choosing process and to choose the best looking one.

  • The doctor will be there with your dh helping him to make a choice, you know how not every time you choose something that is right for you, so the dr will be there to guide you or your dh to the right decision. He or she will look at the parameters of the girl and tell you if she is suitable or not. If it is done together when on the initial it is so quick and satisfying. Because I’d be very nervous to choose the girl by myself.

  • I totally understand you.. even those words of support can’t make me feel fine. I do not know how all of those women on the forums deal with this situation.. But going through something this painful to realize and to even live with.. Maybe I am too weak. I know that some of us go for the ivf all alone in a different country.. Incredible to me..

  • Yes, I will go internationally too due to the law system in the country I live in but I will do it together with the person I love and adore. The medicine that is needed to be taken is so hard to take by yourself. You have to have someone with you to do injections. I will be only stimulated for endometrium to grow but it is still so unpleasant and I shiver after only thinking about it..

    We need to be tougher I think..

  • I'm going through de icsi shortly and definitely feel it will be my baby. Not sure how I will cope if we are successful and baby arrives but I am pretty sure I will see it as my child. I've read too that donor baby picks up some of your dna when you are carrying it. We've been to counselling for this and we're recommended a couple of good books and books to read the child when it's young xx

  • HI! But did you choose your donor already and how did you do that? I will give the right to choose one to my hubby because I am too scared to see the face of the girl that donated her eggs for me.

    I think that when I get pregnant I won't have such stupid fears anymore but as for now..


  • We haven't got to that part yet. The clinic we re going with ask for a photograph of me and they will try to find someone as close to me as they can. We are getting our treatment in greece so that was the only thing that worried me if the baby looked too Greek. Think I am so desperate to have a baby we have waited 4 years that I can bear donor eggs as that seems to be our best chance. Good luck it is a strange situation xx

  • I know that the clinic will do the best when searching for the best match and all, I know that they are matching the donors by their phenotypes I think so everything should be on the decent level. I think you should be calm and all.

    I can understand you... The waiting time... It is like the worth, I am desperate to start the tx again!

  • Don't be put off by donor eggs, the baby will grow inside you and you will be the one giving birth to him or her and bringing the baby up - that makes you a Mummy :) Please don't be down on the DE option. Good luck with your journey x

  • Aww thank you such a sweet response! Thank you!

    The one word Mummy is what makes me so happy and joyful. I am gooing to try and focus on how I am becoming a mother and hopefully I will lose all of my stupid thoughts when I am pregnant.


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