Egg Donation

[Megandmog]

Hi everyone,

So I have been told we need to go ahead with egg donation as my ovarian reserve has been diminished my endometriosis. I am only 28.

I have lots of questions. If you’ve gone through ED yourself, perhaps you could help me?!

I am worried about how the child will react when told they are from a donated egg?

Do you think it’s better for the donor to be anonymous (i.e. do it in Spain) or for the child to know from the age of 18 who their ‘biological’ mother is?

How do you choose what clinic to go for? How did you come to terms with the fact you need a donated egg? Will all the questions of will I bond with the baby disappear once I’m actually pregnant or once they are here?

My head is spinning!!! Thanks in advance xx

[CAS2]

I’ve not been through it but when I went to the London fertility show there was loads of info on egg donation.

I think it’s recommended to tell the child early on (even before they can talk!) so they grow up in the knowledge and it’s less of a surprise. Quite a few ladies here doing DE so hopefully they’ll see your message xxx

[Megandmog in reply to CAS2]

Hi Cas, thanks for your response, I think I agree with you, I would rather tell them whilst they are young so it’s not like a huge bombshell when they are older xx

[Refocus]

Hi, I'm in the 2WW of my first donor cycle and am 33, unexplained infertility. I'm still not sure I'm comfortable with the whole thing to be honest and I don't think I'll ever really be at peace with it as it will provide constant challenges (but only time and my own experience will tell). All I know is that my husband and I are desperate to have a baby, I really want to 'feel normal' and carry and I don't want to deprive my husband of having a genetic link. With regards to clinics, it's a totally personal choice. I really want my child to be able to trace their genetic mother, I don't want to feel I've kept it from them and I found the choice of abroad clinics too overwhelming and felt it would just take more time. I'm happy with our UK clinic. Good luck and you'll find your way in your own time. Xxx

[Megandmog in reply to Refocus]

Hi Refocus, thanks for your response. Good luck to you during the 2WW. Bet you’re getting so impatient! I totally get what you mean by ‘feeling normal’. That’s all I want to feel right now too and I also agree about being able to trace their biological mother. I think I’d be upset if they did do that though. My friend said to me why are you worrying about something which is potentially 18 years away and may not even happen. She has a point xx

[Refocus in reply to Megandmog]

I try not to think about what would happen in 18 years, literally anything could happen! My mother was adopted and she's never had any interest in tracking down her birth parents, our children could be like that too! Xxx

[Cinderella5]

Hi, Im a bit older than you at 41, I didnt meet my husband until later in life and we started IVF at 38. My AMH was ok for my age and we got a decent amount of eggs but very few got to the 5 day blastocyst stage. After a couple of go's we moved onto DE and chose to go abroad. We looked at the logistics of transport and had some recommendations for clinics and went from there. The waiting times are much shorted abroad but it is anonymous. Unfortunately after they made DE in the UK traceable the number of people donating lessened. Its a very personal choice whether you want a known donor or traceable. I just know I want us to be a family and however we get there is ok. DE offers us much better success rates but we still havent managed to get pregnant but there are no guarantees of course. I cant comment on how kids feels after they are here and you may not find may ladies on here to tell you that as most of us are try, pregnant, or just given birth but you dont hear too much from ladies after they have the baby. You may get more information from the donor conception network if you think that is the way forward from you. Good luck.xx

[ValaI in reply to Cinderella5]

Hi Cinderella5 I read your message and I can easily say I am in the same situation like you. We have 3 eggs left to go through a PGS but started looking into egg donation as a plan B. Do you mind sharing perhaps few ideas of clinics abroad and where you decided to go and why? I am not sure where to start telling the truth on top of the fact that I am still overwhelmed from IVF itself and still not recovered have to think of other challenges. Any help would be cherished and appreciated very much xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to ValaI]

We decided to go abroad as there was no choice of clinics where we are, just one big one and I never think that's a good thing. Also going abroad donation is anonymous which also puts the decisions of the future and truth in your hands and you arent under any pressure either way of how you want to handle things. Donation in Athens had no waiting lists, its fresh eggs, it's cheaper and you get a break at the same time....bit different with covid around but we used to have a holiday whilst away. I also feel having been through it that they think a bit more out the box.I'm so sorry you've had such a hard journey, I really hope you dont have to go down this route and your happy ending is around the corner but i do think it's good to have that plan B....good luck!xxx

[fridayfever]

Hi

I've just started my egg donor journey as in yesterday we were added to the search list and told to expect at least a 6 month wait. 3 failed ICSI attempts with only 1 transfer which failed.

I asked our nurse about the contact and apparently as the law only came in in 2005 theyve had no one on their list that has so far contacted for information on the donor by the child.

I have reasoned it in my head that yes genetically this won't be my child but I will have carried it and will give birth so to me it's my child but I do know everyone is different.

I can't say I'm not worried about the child wanting to know more, I think it's the very unlikely possible rejection but do you know what sometimes after all these drugs and stress I can't say my thinking is always reasonable.

Good luck in your journey but please contact me if you want to chat further as more than happy to bounce any questions we both have xx

[Bunnywoo]

Hi Megandmog - so sorry to hear you've had the news about your low ovarian reserve and endometriosis. Its awful. I hope you are giving yourslef time to think and feel sad if you want to.

All of the questions and feelings you mentioned are completely normal if that is any consolation. It's a huge thing to get your head round, and something I am not sure you ever feel 100% totally fine with at the stage we're at. I've posted a little bit about our journey so far so feel free to have a look - I have had some lovely replies off people who have gone or are going through it.

I am just in the process of picking a donor from profiles sent to me by the clinic. I was only told in April 2019 that DE IVF was our best chance. We did look into Natural IVF with my OE too - not sure if that is an option for you too? THere are posts on the forums with success stories of people with low AMH and Endo with their own eggs. I'm 37, and already suffered 3 MCs,so for us DE IVF offers us the better success rates (even though we know it is not a guarantee) We're not eligible for NHS help. So we have gone with a 50% refund package where we pay up front for 3x DE cycles and get a 50% refund if we don't have a live birth at the end of it. I basically picked the clinic because it was local to me, had a good reputation for egg donation and offered the refund funding packages.

As for the emotional side of it all - its a complete rollercoaster. There are many resources online that can help you, like Egg Donation Friends and the Donation Network. I have also found this forum amazing. Once we picked our clinic, we were also offered counselling (Infact it was compulsory to attend couselling before you can even start the process). I found this massively helpful. The counsellor explored our feelings about how we feel now, how my hubby and me support each other, have we spoke to friends and family, how do we feel about the donor, how do you feel about telling the child, how do you feel about the child wanting to find their donor mum/siblings etc. The counsellor was definitely more on the side of it's better to tell the child about the fact they are an egg donor child. She showed us some age appropriate books that are useful tools. I had already decided I was fine with the whole thing and personally would want the baby to be able to trace their donor mum and siblings when they're 18. I got my head round it by seeing it as if the baby and the donor mum were to form a relationship in the future, it would be an extension to his/her "family" and she wouldn't replace me. I will always by be the child's mummy - i carried, birthed, fed, nurtured this child, and noone can take that away from us. It helped me feel a bit less threatened by her, if that makes sense. But it is a huge decision, and so personal, and you're totally entitled to not tell the child or go for an anonymous donor where the donor can not be traced. Whatever works for you. There are plenty of ladies on here who have gone down the anonymous route.

Hope this helps, happy to chat more if you like, good luck xxx

[Megandmog]

Hey ladies

Thank you all so much for your comments. I just cannot believe I am having to use DE when I am only 28 (no offence to anyone on here!). It’s been so so so hard to wrap my head around it all. But my desire to birth a child and be a more far outweighs my concerns over whether there is a genetic link.

After speaking with family and also comments on here I think for me personally I would like the donor to be traceable rather than nothing at all. At least then they will have the choice.

Can you recommend any clinics? My hospital recommended Guys & St Thomas and also the Lister Fertility Clinic.

Thank you all again. I don’t feel so alone now. Infertility is such a lonely place at times xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Megandmog]

Ha ha ha none taken! If you want recommendations of clinics it may be useful for you to start a new post and out down the area you live asking for private messages as we arent allowed to name clinics openly on here! Good luck.xx

[Megandmog in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you ! I have been looking on the HFEA website which has been a massive help as well xx

[ValaI]

Hi Megandmog I see that this post is very old from 2 years ago and I was wondering if you have some time to share perhaps few details about your journey and help us understand better the procedures and eventually make a good decision especially as some time has passed since you posted this? Thank you very much