do not know if to agree to this or not

Hello. Have this question in my head for a while now. I am about to sign with the clinic for surrogacy program where I will be using donor’s eggs. So I will have nothing to do with my child genetically. And that’s what bothers me the most. I do not get to choose the surrogate mother at all, only the donor. And if the kid is going to be carried by another woman whom I don’t know at all and won’t get to know her till 12 week of her pregnancy because it is considered like the sign of the successful treatment and everything, how will I know that the surrogate is everything I basically want her to be? What if she is ugly and stupid, like, how will that influence my child? That’s something to consider isn’t it? Because really we do not have another choice than to sign with this clinic because of its’ contract system and everything, we do not have a lot of money to afford the program in another country so we will have to stick with this clinic. That’s why I would like to understand whether it is okay to not know your surrogate at the beginning and how will it influence my kid at all?


21 Replies

  • Why are you worried at all? I know that the surrogates have nothing to do with your child’s genetics, you will have to see who’s your donor is going to be and that’s all. The only thing you will have to check is the health of your surrogate and if she isn’t violating the rules of the surrogate mothers, like if she’s not smoking and everything.

  • Really? I thought that this is important to choose the surrogate that is suitable and genetically healthy and everything because she will give my kid all of her features.. how is it not important? I kind of do not understand the mechanism of the surrogacy obviously but..

    Hm, I do not know how to check it, I won’t keep in touch with her at all. As I have been said that the managers will communicate with the surrogate and I will only see her a couple of times during her pregnancy..

  • That’s strange actually, how you won’t get to know her… I mean if it’s your choice, if you have the only option then there’s nothing you can do about it. But what did your clinic said about it? How did they explain this strange rule?

  • They said that it is due to the stress that the surrogate might receive because there is the pressure on the first 12 weeks, because it is really dangerous and everything.. that she might feel really nervous and lose her child.. also I am nervous I will be disappointed by her, meaning that I am imagining this beautiful girl that will carry a child for us, but in reality that may be not like that at all and I am afraid to meet her at all..

  • I am not getting it yet anywhere but I am opting for the clinic in Ukraine. Why are you asking though?

  • Liz, to be clear, the egg and sperm are the only things that impact your child's genetics so what they look like, their intelligence and personality etc. Is all determined from the very start. Yes you want the surrogate to be fit and healthy to provide a good place for the baby to grow but biologically, the surrogate has no impact on the baby beyond feeding and supporting the baby's growth.

  • That’s strange. Are you sure that’s the only option? I wonder what the price is of the treatment that you say so. Because there are plenty of clinics in the world and if you are not satisfied by this one, you could choose another, no?

  • I have read a lot of reviews on the different clinics and a lot of them set as the price the sum only for the contract excluding the meds and the paying for the appts. I won’t be sure what price I would have to pay after all and that makes me really uneasy because we have only limited amount of money and if we choose this clinic I am opting for we will get unlimited amount of attempts for closed price. That was a major plus for us. I haven't seen anything similar to this on other sites, but maybe I have not been looking hard enough, i mean i wasn't browsing all of the sites..

  • Really? Unlimited amount of attempts? Doesn’t seem to be true... I do not believe that in the clinic could be such a system because if so they will work against themselves.

  • I know.. but it is what it is. I doubt that they would lie because they have these contracts to sign and when i showed them to my lawyer he said that they do have the legal power. in the contract it states that i will have the unlimited amount of attempts. and it is even the cheapest one..

  • But I thought I won’t be getting twins if I command so, or there is a chance of me getting them anyways?

  • Yes, we did choose the least expensive one. I thought that it was the best for us though. I do not believe that we will be having some force-majeure on our way and we do not need the biggest appartament in the world, because we are planning to come to Ukraine for 1 time and my dh will have his sperm frozen for the transfer. We also do not want to come to it because we have nothing to do with it in reality. I am not going to be stimulated or anything. And paying 50k for this just sounds ridiculous.. for us at least.

  • What other than larger apartment and the housemaid?

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  • Wait what? What are you talking about? You will be choosing your donor? How’s that? I mean in my clinic where I have been getting my ivf recently I didn’t get to choose the donor and was just informed of the date of the egg transfer and all. I have done my test recently and it showed one line.. I am really pissed right now because it took a lot of nerves and stressed me out so much that I now have to take a break from work. I have thought of changing the clinic but can’t find another one, because I do not believe now what they say on their advertisement pages…

  • Where have you done your tx? In what country? That’s so unfortunate, your bfn.. I sometimes wonder too if they say the complete truth on their sites and whether I should believe what is written there or not…

  • It was in Greece. I have been getting so much trouble because of pcos, we have been ttcing with my partner for years before we thought that there can be something wrong with our fertility health… It was my fault that we couldn’t get pregnant but my hubby was so understanding that it was he who proposed to get into a tx. We are in Germany all the time because of his work and it doesn’t help because here the tx is illegal, I mean I couldn’t get it here. So we decided to search for the clinic abroad. and Greece seemed like a great choice, because it is in Europe and we are used to Greece like it is the country we’ve been hearing about for a long time already so it seemed right for us.. but I guess that it was not..

  • I am so sorry you have experienced that, but maybe you should blame not the country itself but the clinic you were in? I am not going to ask you what was the clinic you have been for ivf, but I hope that it doesn’t disappoint another couple on their way to become parents…

  • Yes, I hope so too. But I won’t be staying there for the tx, because it is unreliable and everything. You said something about unlimited attempts in your contract.. don’t you know, if there is something similar in ivf contracts and all?

  • I actually am not familiar with ivf contracts as I have paid attention only for surrogacy agreements. But you can read them by yourself on their website.

  • Could you PM me the link, please?

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