Terrified.

[Tugsgirl]

We had our consultation on Bank Holiday Monday. I will be doing a short protocol (not sure what this means) and have to ring the clinic on CD1 which will be mid September for me. So you see it's all getting real and I'm getting more and more nervous/anxious which I know is a far than ideal state of mind. I'm scared about doing my meds (even though OH will be doing them) I'm terrified of egg collection; I won't be getting a general only sedation. I had sedation only in 2013 for biopsy and Lletz on my cervix; I did not feel wonderful, drowsy, relaxed in fact I cried all the way through it! I remember everything. Someone please tell me it's easier than that?? Now onto my biggest fear; what if it doesn't work? Guess that's everyone's biggest fear.

[Tugsgirl]

Ps please ignore the tag, I tried to remove it!

[evamait]

Hun! We are all have been there and there were some women who did not manage to have their bfp at all( I am one of them). But I want you to not think about them but rether think about what will happen when you receive your bfp! I guess you are having an ivf on your own eggs? Am I right? And the short protocol in your case means that you won't be stopping your natural cycle. If I am wrong correct me.

good luck to you!!

[Tugsgirl in reply to evamait]

Ah thanks. Yes I'm using my own eggs but I really don't know much about short protocols, I guess I will find out more when I get my next appointment.. I'm just the world's biggest wimp!

[MommaBear16]

Aw Tugsgirl - everyone feels like this before starting treatment I think. I was frightened of everything before we started but as soon as we got our bag of meds the excitement took over. I was nervous about egg collection, I had sedation but I was awake throughout and it was painful (for me, other women have said they didn't feel a thing and some even fall asleep!). Even though it was painful I still can't wait to do it again as the hope the process brings is overwhelming. I hope that might put it in perspective a little for you. As for whether or not it will work, sadly that's the risk we take. Even though our first cycle ended in heartache I can't wait to get started again, to give us some hope again.

I think if you keep talking about your fears and your experience it will make it easier and you know you have everyone here for support. In my experience it's made me and my husband even closer which I didn't think was possible. For that, in a small way, I will be forever grateful to the first process. I hope everything goes well for you and that your fears subside so you can enjoy the process which oddly I did. It will all be over before you know it, best of luck to you x x x

[Tugsgirl in reply to MommaBear16]

Thanks Mommabear 😊 X

[Hidden]

Hi Tugsgirl. I know that feeling of fear very well! It dominated my life for many many years. The one thing I am grateful for about our 10 year infertility journey (apart from having our beautiful son of course!) is what I learnt through it about my emotions, life, my limiting beliefs that were affecting all areas of my life but were more dominant in the area of trying to have a baby.

I wrote a blog post recently about some of the things I learnt about what's behind our fear and misunderstandings of how our mind works that keep us in fear, in any situation. You may find it helpful in some way. x

Here it is...

One of the things that helps clients is an inner knowing that whatever happens they will be OK. That is my wish for all my clients because from this place they have the emotional resilience that brings freedom to be themselves and live a life they love even whilst continuing their fertility journey. It is also from this place of peace that Project Baby will take more care of itself.

Fear of not being OK in the future comes from three misunderstandings.

1. A misunderstanding of how humans operate.

As a species we are designed to live in reality, which is the present moment. We have the resources to deal with whatever is happening in reality. Worry about whether we are going to be OK or not is all future thinking. A prediction of what we think we will happen in the future. However ‘realistic’ our expectation of the future may be, or how much ‘proof’ from the past our thinking gives us it is still a prediction and made up. Not only is our future prediction of the future is made up (and tends to be a worse case scenario) and the ‘us’ in that imaginary future is not the fully resourced us. We have access to all sorts of resources in the moment such as intuition, innate well-being, inspiration, creativity etc. We have a connection to this universal source of life energy. Our imaginary self in our imaginary future doesn’t have access to these resources, so no wonder it feels scary because we think we won’t be able to cope.

2. A Misunderstanding of what is creating our experience.

When we think our human experience is being created by our circumstances we become unaware that we are looking at life through our lens of thinking. The fact we feel better some days than others is because our thinking changes. It is like we look at our situation through a tube of thinking, like a long cardboard wrapping paper tube. However we are not aware that there is a whole stack of these tubes, one of on top of each other, each a different set of thinking we look at the same situation through, each giving a different level of consciousness. Because our thinking can change moment to moment we have the ability to see that situation through a different set of thinking, a different tube giving a different experience at any given moment. When we are looking through one tube we experience that as ‘reality’ and don’t believe it can be any different, we think we are stuck in that experience until the circumstances change.

3. A Misunderstanding of where our well-being comes from.

What prevents us from knowing we’re going to be OK is a misunderstanding of where our OKness comes from. Our emotional well-being looks like it is dependent on our circumstances, what people say or do, what we perceive may or may not happen in the future, or even what happened in the past. This misunderstanding means we spent a lot of time and effort trying to manage, control or resolve these things in order to seek peace of mind and emotional well-being.

However, we are spiritual beings living in a physical realm. There is an energy behind life we don’t truly understand as it is formless. It is loving, creative and divine. It enables a cut to heal itself without us doing anything and enables a shoal of fish swim together and know what to do. We are made of that energy. Like an iceberg, a small percentage of us is above the water, in this physical world of form (circumstances, people etc.). The rest of us, our soul, our true identity is part of this formless and loving energy of life. If this creative energy of life was the sea we are drop of water, part of it. That’s who we are, part of this loving divine energy of life. That’s where our innate well-being comes from. It’s not dependant on anything or anyone. It’s part of us, we were born with it. This energy does’t make anything defective. We are perfect, pure, unique, like a diamond. We all are. Including you.

When we begin to understand this is how the mind works, this is what is creating our experience, not our circumstances, we can begin to realise our thinking just doesn’t matter and the more we do that the more we return to our innate wellbeing like a beach ball being held under water floats to the surface. It is a self correcting system. When we do that we return to the present moment.

This story from Michael Neill’s book Super Coach is a lovely metaphor for this understanding that whatever happens we’ll be OK.

Imagine that you are riding on a giant barge, floating gently down a beautiful river. In the very centre of the barge is a giant roller coaster, and your seat for the journey is in the front car. As the river carries the barge downstream, the roller coaster goes up and down, pausing every now and again before climbing its way to the next peak or plunging its way down into the valleys. At times it spins wildly, completely disorienting you; at other times you find yourself resting in the pause before the next ride.

Now imagine that your whole life, you had ridden the coaster with your eyes closed, believing that the roller coaster was the world and the river only a myth. What would happen the first time you opened your eyes and kept them open for every moment of the ride?

At first, you might be a bit disoriented and even frightened as you watched yourself and others go up and down and round and around at occasionally dizzying speeds. The first time you crested the heights of the coaster and saw the river clearly in all its glory, you would be so taken by the view that you would never want it to end. And when your revelation was followed by a plunge to the bottom of your world it might seem like all was lost.

But over time, you would begin to relax into the ride, spending less and less time trying to manage the ups and downs and more and more time enjoying the views along the way. You'd take comfort in the fact that no matter what was going on with the roller coaster, the river was always effortlessly supporting the barge along its journey. And you might even begin to enjoy pondering the mysteries of where the river came from, how you came to be on it, and where it might be taking you...

[stargaze89]

Hi, I'm also on short protocol (metformin tabs, menopur & Cetrocide injections), going well so far with 15 follicles growing away (Day 8 of inj - day 11 of cycle) just feeling a bit tired and yucky. looking at EC Thursday/ Friday this week hopefully. It will be a worrying time but I've found that keeping myself busy doing things I enjoy has made the wait go in a bit quicker. Big hugs and hope everything works out for you! xxx

[Tugsgirl in reply to stargaze89]

Hi stargaze and thanks. Could you give me a rough timeline for a short protocol?

Fx for you!! X

[stargaze89 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Day1 of cycle28/08/16 -Called hospital for appointment

Day 2of cycle 29/08/16 -Appointment - bloods took. Start Menopur injection (am) & increased metformin to 2 tablets a day. Internal Scan to check lining and ovaries

Day 4 of cycle 31/08/16- Continued meds and added Cetrocide injections (pm)

Day 6of cycle 02/09/16- Appointment - Bloods took and internal scan to check follicles

Day 9of cycle 05/09/16- Appointment - Bloods took and internal scan to check follicles

Day 10 of cycle 06/09/16- Appointment - Bloods took and internal scan to check follicles. Advised not to take meopur today. Booster injection given away with me. Hospital will call later today to advise if theatre is scheduelled for Thursday 08.09.16 for EC

Hope this explains thing a little for you and good luck in your journey!! xxx

[Tugsgirl in reply to stargaze89]

Omg that's so quick! X I've got to call clinic on day one which will be around Sep 18th give or take a day X

[stargaze89 in reply to Tugsgirl]

I know, I can't believe how quickly it has went. Had a phone call yesterday to say my egg collection is tomorrow - can't wait! Try not to worry about the medication, I was really dreading it after reading stories and watching videos of the injections but I found them easy to do and painless, just felt a bit yucky when i went up to the two metformin tablets. Fingers crossed for you - let me know how you get on xxx

[Tugsgirl in reply to stargaze89]

Wishing you the very best of luck with collection tomorrow!! That's the bit that freaks me out the most.. Let me know how you get on? X

[stargaze89 in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thank you - will do! xxx