Decision made

Hi all,

It's been a couple of weeks now since we found out our 1 and only egg didn't fertilise for an egg transfer. With only a 5-10% chance of getting a baby out from my eggs we have decided to go with donor eggs. This gives us a 40-50% chance of becoming parents. To be honest it was a bit of a no brainier we have always said we will get our family one way or another and being faced with what we just went through with a 95% chance of it happening again I just can't go through all of it again with those odds.

So now we are in another ball game! Lots of thoughts going round my head.... Positives are healthier eggs, stronger eggs, more chance of twins, less chance of misscarrige, no general as no egg collection. But negitives I'm feeling.... It won't look like me, won't have my family resemblance, what will the donor mother be like? How to we tell the kid it's not from my egg, at 18 it could find out who it's egg mother was, But the biggest one is the wait. 4 to 6 months. I'm a very impatient person lol!

Anyway in the mean time I am loosing weight (I put on a good stone since starting first IVF) and my BMI was 29 for IVF so need to sort that out. I'm trying to get it down to 25 and I'm on a mission! Going well so far...

I'm thinkng Christmas will be here in a minute then will only have a few months to wait.

Anyway just thought I'd fill you all in. Just waiting for a call from donor team at the clinic we have to have councilling and a load of forms to fill out.

Good luck to you all xx

10 Replies

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  • Hey blondyboo

    I think that's a great decision. I've considered it too. The way I got round if it is that I would carry the baby 9 months, my blood, my nutrients, my love, my care. I guess if it were donated sperm I'd feel different but eggs, just a shell.

    Enjoy the time you need to wait, get fit, relax, enjoy Christmas, do everything you want to do as when it works you'll be on extra care mode xx

    I truly hope it works out, the eggs will have a great home for 9 months and then you will be the mummy and Daddy you long and deserve to be

  • Hi blondyboo, sounds like you've really thought this through and are happy with your decision which is great. I don't know a huge amount about donor eggs but I believe they try and match you with someone who has similar physical characteristics to you. And I'm sure the hospital will have some advice on how to tell the child. And it will know exactly how wanted it was. Good luck with the rest of your journey x

  • Hey,

    That's sounds like a really sensible and thought through decision to me. It's important to realise the huge emotional impact this process has on yourself and you have to really think how much more you can put yourself through.

    I know 4-6 months seems a lifetime but in the grand scheme of the waiting involved in IVF and infertility, you know you can do it. You've already waited so much.

    As for all the donor egg questions I'm afraid i can't help specifically but just to say you will be Mum and partner their Dad. You will care for them and guide them and help them and that's what makes a parent. When they ask questions you will find the strength to answer. As for them not looking like you.... I think the minute the child is born, or even before when they are growing, all that love you have will make all of that irrelevant.

    That's just my thoughts. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

  • After 2 BFNs from ICSI and no Frosties we were advised to go with donor eggs due to my age. I found this really hard to accept but after time and thought we decided to go for it. Our first clinic said 12-18 months wait so we changed clinic and were matched really quickly with an egg sharing donor. The donor was a good physical match for hubby and her pen portrait was very similar to what I would have written.

    We got 6 eggs but only 3 were mature and two fertilised. We had to abandon ET as my womb lining was shrinking so there were frozen and I've started down reg to have FET before Christmas, fingers crossed.

    You might want to have a look at the Donor Conception website, it answered a lot of my questions about bonding with the baby/babies.

    We had already discussed what we would tell any resultant baby/babies before we went for the implication counselling at the clinic. We would explain in child friendly language from the very beginning that mummy and daddy needed some help from a doctor and a kind lady to make the baby. Obviously as the child gets older we'd give the information we have about the donor and that when they are older they might be able to find out more about her. The implication counselling session went through this as well, the advise is to tell the child form the very beginning so it isn't a shock at 18.

    Good luck!

  • I think you have made a great decision. It will depend on your characteristics how long it takes and they will always say the worst scenario so they don't get your hopes up.

    We are currently on a cycle using donor eggs. My husband thought from it was the best option as soon as our own attempt failed. We got 2 mature eggs but unfortunately both fertilised abnormal.

    We are funding all cycles ourselves.

    The clinic made it clear our best chance was donor eggs. I found it hard to accept.

    My head soon became clear. I wanted a baby. Our baby. I would class it as ours if we adopted. However I wanted to carry a child, feel the kicks, bond for 9 months, go through a labour !!!

    I thought about women who due to illness didn't have that chance anymore.

    Here was my chance I just needed a help to start the process.

    Some kind lady who was willing one month instead of having a period to donate me her egg. (End of her involvement).

    My husbands sperm would give it the chance to fertilise.

    I would then be the one that would give it the chance to attach to a welcoming, prepared lining where it would have a chance to develop. I would provide it with my blood, my nutrients, I would help it develop a heart, and hopefully encourage its own heart beat to form.

    I just needed someone to be willing to help.

    Thankfully they found they had a potential match within 2 days of me coming to the decision that this was our chance.

    Unfortunately our first shared attempt didn't proceed enough eggs (we were couple 2) so didn't get a share.

    Our 3rd attempt at treatment had to be the one.

    It took about 3 weeks for a potential donor.

    The pain the heartache of each month not conceiving still followed.

    Unless people have tried and failed understand our pain.

    Donor did her part of the jigsaw in October. Thank you who ever you are !!!!

    I'm now 7 weeks pregnant.

    We have such a long way to go and taking each day at a time, but this baby is part of me. It's my lining it attached to. It's my blood and heartbeat keeping it going and encouraging its development.

    Last week we had a scan and I saw its own little heartbeat.

    I haven't decided yet whether we will ever tell the little one about the donor involvement (it's your decision), funny enough I am the one who thinks it might be a good idea, my husband is the one against it. He doesn't see why we need to share that. we will see.

    I just wanted to share my story as I have felt like you. I took time to decide and it was a hard decision to accept that my eggs might be useless. !!!!

    At the end of the day I looked at the bigger picture. I wanted to carry my husbands child and give us our baby.

    Hope this helps someone in their battle.

    Still a long way to go for us all. Sending my love. (Sorry for such a long message) X

  • Thabk you all so much reading all this has made me feel a lot more positive it's great to have this site to talk to people that 'get you' my friends mostly agreed saying it wouldn't matter being from a donor egg I will be growing it and I want to mpbe a mum and this is they best way before adoption my step dad was the funniest straight to the point when telling him the odds of my eggs working... Well there's no decision to make ! even 40-50% isn't fantastic ! Kind of put it in to prospective 5% is just not good enough for me. (He's 83 and a brilliant Dad just makes me laugh as he says what he thinks,very matter of fact!) but I agree with him.

    Only a couple said try first with my eggs again then donor but one had 3 failed IVF and won't out herself through it again ( not easy talking to someone so negative about IVF) the other was a bloke in law to be that I haven't known that long. He's a bit of a prat to be honest and I thought that even more as he suggested I use my step sisters eggs.... She's 45, he just came out with it and we all looked rather awkward ! He's one of those people that knows it all.... If you got a shed he has two. He's got 6 kids 4 adopted 2 gone through IVF blah blah blah. Kn*b.

    So my odds are a flip of a coin a possible 50% 2 goes with that ..... Now that's worth a shot!!

    Xx

  • I think it is a hard but amazing decision to make and I hope it works for you. I tried to be an egg donor for a friend when I was in my 20s. I had to go through the same treatment as for ivf, up to the point of egg collection. Sadly I reacted badly to the fertility drugs and got OHSS, so they stopped the treatment. By the time I had recovered and had an unrelated operation, I was too old to continue.

    Good luck xx

  • Hi blondyboo I couldnt ignore this post and sorry its a couple of days late, I hope my reply is still useful.

    I would definitely suggest, as someone has already, that you contact the Donor Conception Website and there are true stories on there and alot of info, including books on how to tell a child. I'm pretty sure you could even talk to someone who has also had a child/ren through DE.

    Of course it is alot to take onboard and you have only just begun to consider it, but also as someone already posted, you will be carrying the baby, feeding it, it will be your blood growing and developing it, an egg is but one cell. This whole process is called epigenetics. There was a very interesting article out in The Express on Oct 4th about women who use donor eggs actually pass on some of their own DNA to the baby, this is the link, (hope it gets accepted) express.co.uk/news/science/... This is very reassuring and as other have said, you will be matched up with the donor regards skin colour, eye colour, build, etc. A baby you have will be a very different baby to the one the donor would have had.

    I have a very good friend whose daughter is a result of DE and people who dont know comment on how the daughter looks like her.

    Regards telling any children born following Donor egg/sperm, the advice is to tell them, and this advice is from the children themselves who are now adults. You may also want to read the following from BioNews, who recently had a public event about donor anonymity and it being 10 years since donor anonymity ended: bionews.org.uk/page.asp?obj... Of course Donor Anonymity is in the UK but not in other countries, so if this was a big issue for you, it maybe worth contacting clinics abroad.

    I really hope everything works out for you and that the information is helpful.

    Very good luck to all xx

  • thank you fertmag i will look at those sites now x

  • Hi Blondyboo , congrats on yr decision- my small story. My daughter doesnt resemble me, nor her dad (we used oe), she has her own beauty and I cannot imagine my life without my star. And I have never known my biol father as my parents divorced, when I was a baby. I have been raised by my step father and even when I was 18 i never wanting to meet my biol father in flash. These thoughts are only yours, not yr children. Let children decide what is important, what isnt

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