Feeling defeated and low.... Constant battle

So 3 weeks ago we got our longed for BFP....

So why am I constantly feeling defeated and fighting a battle.... I want to be happy and tell everyone yet we can't.  It was a nightmare to get to the 6 week scan and that only cos we went private, should have been overwhelmed to see the heart beat but now I feel as though it's my imagination and it wasn't really there.

It's sad really constant knicker watching, even pain or twinge, every lack of symptom feels likes its over...

Here I am 7 weeks today and feeling totally defeated it feels as though my period is on route and am seeing more brown of the darker shade each passing day.  I know people say it happened to them and don't worry it's normal but I can't help feeling like I may not be the lucky one for it to all work out.

Am tired, tired of the constant battle to get to the end only every day is a challenge, every second counts that we don't get a twinge or pain or bleed or brown or SOMETHING.

If I look back in the journey what will I see pain and heartache, tears, fears some joys, some laughs but s memory of continuous fight and strength I guess to continue on.

Sorry ladies I am just down and fed up when I want to be on top of the world.  This journey takes everything from you it's hard.

Sorry for the sad post and rant 

Good luck to all you BFPers 😬

22 Replies

  • I feel exactly the same way just ahead of you I've had bleeding and pain and all kinds of worry just want to be happy. It got so bad on Saturday that we went to A&E they were really nice and helpful and not at all judgemental. I had an ultra sound to make sure everything was ok and thankfully it was. Then on Sunday/Monday the pain increased and we went back to A&E again they were really kind. Although they cannot tell me why I'm bleeding they checked the opening to my cervix which they said was closed and is the best indication of an impending MC it was closed and I do feel some relief now. 

    I've read that some people have said it can be the pessaries causing agitation. Always here if you need a chat xx

  • So glad it's all ok for you.... You rest up hopefully we will be saying this was all worth it soon xx

  • We will and if you want the reassurance that things are still all ok go to A&E like I said they were more than happy to help. X

  • Big hugs lovely. This journey is a roller coaster of emotions. I can't imagine what your going through , the 2 ww is a nightmare so I bet it's 10x worst waiting for the 12 week scan. Think sticky vibes, I'm sure your little one is well tucked in by now you have got this far and defeated the odds already. I have read that many people have spotting even some bleeding and still everything is fine xxx

  • Hi honey, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. Does thinking about your baby help at all? What helped me was to think that any negative emotion or thoughts would negatively impact my baby so I tried to change so that I was flooding them with positive thoughts and feelings instead as that was better for their development. I listened to positive affirmations daily and also just thought about today. That is, I knew I was pregnant today and that's all that mattered, and was grateful for it. Why don't you ask the clinic to refer you for counselling? It might help? Xx

  • I think it's just a down day normally am saying today I am pregnant and lucky.  But the more brown I see the more forbideing it gets as I just would

    Love to enjoy the moment.  Also being tired is not helping I am always a Stroppy mare when I need sleep.

    Got a scan Saturday so hopefully all will be well x

  • Chin up! Roll on Saturday only a few more sleeps! 

    If I tell u the truth... the only time I began to chill and tell people was at 16-20 weeks prior to that everyday was living with the ifs and buts and not knowing! Especially as I had no symptoms I didn't believe I was pregnant. The only thing I kept doing was scanning every 10 days to 2 weeks for reassurance. It sinked in at 16 weeks when I found out the sex. But never chilled until he started kicking. Knicker watch I'm 35 weeks and still do it every time especially as I bled so much upto week 14. To me the brown stuff and bleeding was my symptom as every time I had a scan all was good. When it stopped it panicked! 

    Yiu need to keep positive if you think negative yiur just passing negative vibes back. Maybe have a read of the book the secret or watch the documentary online it might change your way of thinking x 

  • I'm sorry you are feeling this way - it's so hard after everything you have been through and totally understandable! Xx hugs 

  • Good luck for Saturday honey. All will be well and you will soon see your little one again clear as day on that screan. They are in there- you just can't see them. xxx

  • Aw sending you a big huge hug Tamtam1... I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and it still doesn't feel real. I worry every day and I've been to see the psychologist at the maternity hospital and she says I won't settle until I finally have the baby here in my arms. I think when you've been on a journey like most of us girls have its so much harder. I constantly spend my time wishing I was further on than I actually am. Just remember it's okay to have down days and that your body is full of hormones. I still haven't told everyone I'm pregnant I'm so terrified something will go wrong. The psychologist says I'm normal but I'm not so sure lol. Hope tomorrow's a better day for you 😘 x x

  • Totally agree with you Noodles. I'm 27 weeks and still worry. I didn't even tell everyone about the pregnancy until I'd had the 20 week scan. I still worry that something will go wrong. I've got a 4D scan on Saturday. I wish we could be scanned every week for reassurance! Try and stay positive Tamtam, I know it's hard xxx

  • I'm not surprised you sometimes feel it's all too much.You've through so much to get to this stage. I think I'd probably be the same. Have you had your first midwife appointment yet? When I met mine when pregnant naturally 2nd time she referred me for counselling, unfortunately I had a mc so no counselling as they didn't see you until after the 12 week scan. Perhaps there is a similar service in your area. Plus they can answer questions.

    Hope you get a good view of baby on Saturday.

  • I am sorry as you have been through it too.  My spot is not til may 15th I don't even look at the paperwork as am too scared to make it too real right now.

    I think it's a down day....

    Thank you xx

  • I hope you're feeling a bit better today. 

    Be kind to yourself.

  • Hey my love

    Better than yesterday so that's a good thing😘

    Hope you are holding up well  xx

  • Sending you positive thoughts Hun Xx

  • Like others have said knicker watch it hard. It's natural to feel terrified look how hard you have fought to get here. I worried my whole way through, would I make it to 7, or 12, or 20, or 24, or 35 weeks, would I go over too far for her, was she moving well, at each scan or check I felt sick until the found a heart beat. I figured this level of anxiety is natural given the emotional investment in this journey. In honesty I was walking, pushing the pram and shecwas about 5 or 6 weeks old, and I looked at her, I felt 10 feet tall and it was like someone switched the light back on and I thought 'this is living, this is what life is all about' my bfp certainly wasn't the end of my journey. Be kind to yourself, this is a bumpy old road.xx

  • You know where I am if you want a chat. Sounds like you have a lot of hormones coursing through your veins right now, which is a good sign. If you think of what actually happens in the transfer process, and having two embies transferred, it's not surprising that there's some old blood that needs to come out- add the cyclogest on to that too and bleeding is almost a given occurrence. If you know you can't stop worrying, can you turn your worrying into a positive thing?

  • Big hugs to you! It's so difficult! When you've gone through ivf it's not just a case of oh yey we're pregnant! There's so much more to worry about. 

    Brown isn't bad though it's old blood, what I was always told. It's such an emotional roller coaster, I was great after 7 week scan and then panicked up until 12 weeks. Still not happy until we heard heartbeat at 18 weeks. Now a few days off 30 weeks and much more relaxed.

    Take each day and set small milestones, plan nice things and don't think too far ahead. Xxx

  • One more sleep until your scan lovely x 

  • Yup

    One more sleep doesn't help the dream I had.... Roll on tomorrow hopefully it will be good news 🙏🏽

  • It will be not hopefully x 

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