feeling defeated

hi everyone

I just wanted to post as I’m feeling like none of my real life network understands I was told by a friend to stay positive yesterday but I honestly have nothing left at this point.

I had an egg retrieval yesterday that wasn’t what I had hoped and I’ve generally had a rubbish experience with my fertility nurses this cycle. I don’t know if I can do this anymore I’m so tired.

I had a PRP (plasma rejuvenation procedure) a couple of months ago which is meant to help the quality/quantity of eggs. We saw more follicles that usual on the scan. I some times have issues with the location of my left ovary but they found it easily so I had high hopes for at least 5 eggs.

My egg collection was yesterday. The doctor had trouble accessing the left ovary so had to go through the uterus apparently. This happened 2 cycles ago but inbetween I had endo surgery and my ovary was moved as it was sticking to something it shouldn’t have been. I don’t understand why they would have to go through the uterus again. I guess I’ll have that conversation with my doctor. The issue is now I can’t have the transfer because it’s not the right environment/risk of infection.

They got 3 eggs. Last round I got 5 and only 1 fertilised so the chance of any being good enough for freezing is low. I just broke down yesterday in hospital when they told me. I’m so incredibly sad and tired. In the last 4 months I’ve had 3 egg retrievals and surgery for endo/fibroid removal which ended up being a big surgery.

I’ve also had issues with my nurses with the cycle starting later than expected because nobody called me back to let me know I was starting, and a very rude nurse threatening to cancel my cycle and speaking to me like I was a school child 3 hours before I had to take my trigger shot because she said the forms we sent in were not signed properly. Which I don’t have the energy to go into but added a lot of stress at a time I’m meant to be staying calm.

I’m having monthly general anaesthetic which is starting to affect me physically, emotionally and mentally. I’m starting to wonder whether I’m fighting a losing battle and should give up. I just don’t know how I can accept that I’ll never have kids of my own. I also know in my head that I need a break but I’m so scared that I don’t have time.

Of course the truth is my fertility journey has lasted years not 4 months, and has also included IUI’s, early miscarriage and other difficulties along the way but since starting IVF I am so tired and I guess as it’s the last resort it feels different.

Not sure what I’m even asking I just needed to share with people that understand.

[Aquaharmony]

Hi Hidden

I am sorry you have had such an incredibly difficult journey and I can relate to really needing a break while at the same time being terrified any break will mean you have completely ruined your chances.

I had some truly awful experiences recently with my clinic and I know how easily that can tip you over the edge when you are barely able to stay upright.

Self care is so important and taking some time for yourself to do whatever you need is so very important.

I wish I could say more of use but you are not alone. Sending you hugs and whatever decision you ultimately make I hope you are able to surround yourself with the right support and allow your feelings even when they are so confused your not really sure what they are to be valid.

💜

[Hidden in reply to Aquaharmony]

Thank you, I really needed this message right now. Just found out none of the eggs fertilised so I’m pretty devastated right now.

[Kiara89]

I think you should speak with your clinic. They shouldn't treat you like that. That's not ok. Try talking to them and for them to give you reassurance, for you to feel at ease with them and gain confidence. It's a long journey and you are a champion. It will get better. Sending you good vibes and thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to Kiara89]

Thank you, my partner said the same. I think I need a few days sleep and then I’ll be making a complaint about it to be honest.

[Twiglet2]

I’m so sorry it must feel so overwhelming right now 😢 you don't need to make any decisions about the future just now, your emotions and hormones will be playing a big part in how you are feeling, just focus on your 3 little eggs I hope it’s good news over next few days. The clinic treating you that way isn’t on but wait until you have your strength back a bit maybe before tackling that and what you want to do there! xx

[CardiGrey]

Good morning, it’s really terrible to hear about your experiences. Have you looked into the complaints procedure for your clinic? You definitely should as being spoken to like that isn’t OK. Sometimes medical professionals can become numb to what we’re going through as it’s just a job to them and they deal with multiple people. However, it doesn’t make it OK. Also, have you had any counselling at all? It gives you that safe space to air all of your feelings and provides you with strategies for the lots of different emotions you’ll experience through treatment. I said this to someone else’s on here the other day but infertility makes you go through the 5 stages of grief daily- it’s natural to want to give up to try and move to a place of acceptance and that’s OK if it’s genuinely what you want to do. There are some really complex yet motivating stories on here and whilst I wish no one has to go through this, you’re in the right place to at least not feel alone. Maybe a break with a bit of counselling could do you good? Thinking of you ❤️

[Hidden in reply to CardiGrey]

Thank you, I think counseling would be good. I reached out to someone just now. I think a break from hormones and having space to be sad will give me a better perspective. It’s right the hormones are making me so up and down along with the roller coaster and grief.

[Cridog]

I am so sorry about your whole experience, it really seems you have an incredibly hard time. I know how it feels to have a bad experience with the medical team and to feel exhausted.

I want wanted to send all my love and big hugs.

[Hidden in reply to Cridog]

💜 thank you for your message

[Endofitall]

I’m so sorry. I have no real pearls of wisdom only empathy and understanding. I’ve been through lots of egg collections with few eggs (eg 1-3 egg) collected. I know how devastating it feels. And I also know how awful it is when the clinic do this to you. It made me feel that one of the toughest bits is dealing with the clinic. Which is awful when they should be making it easier for you.

I hate people telling me to take a break. I can’t take a break from wanting a child and guaranteed any time I’ve had to take a break, eg for an investigation, friends announce pregnancies etc and I just feel so “stuck”. Life on hold. So it’s not a break mentally at all.

I have found mindfulness (I did an 8 week course) really helpful and being in touch with nature. I really hope you can take a little breather to feel physically stronger.

DM any time!

[Hidden in reply to Endofitall]

I actually think the empathy and understanding is exactly what I’ve needed. Thank you 💜

[Caranne]

Hi just wanted to say i’m so sorry it’s so devastating. i had similar experience had egg collection and they only managed to collect 2 eggs because of a cyst caused by my endo and they didn’t fertilise. was such a shock. also had bad experience with clinic was last on list for egg collection and they were running late and just felt like I was ignored by nurses which isn’t nice when you’ve anxious and have spent a fortune to be there. anyway really hope you can speak to clinic and get some answers from them X

[Hidden in reply to Caranne]

Thank you, it is so much to go through for nothing at the end isn’t it. None of mine fertilised either. I do feel better after a couple of days sleep but I will be making an appointment to speak about it all. X

[orangecatmum]

Oh love I am so sorry to hear this. This is brutal, there is no other word for it. And it's tough when people and the world around you can't understand and don't validate your suffering. You have been through the mill, and I am so sorry.

Along with everyone else, I'd say maybe it is time to have a break, even a short one, to take a breath, take stock, complain about the clinic because this sounds outrageous, live your life away from all of this for a few months, and you will feel stronger. I promise. Time is a great healer and offers so much clarity.

Can I recommend fertility acupuncture if you haven't already? I started going after my miscarriage last year and it really did something to my nervous system. And the acupuncturist helped advise me on my journey, making me aware of certain tests I needed and how to advocate for myself.

For now, look after yourself, find other things you can do to enjoy life for a bit and find yourself again. I know how a fertility journey can make you feel like you have lost yourself. Find you again and then if you decide to come back to it (and with a different clinic) you'll come back so much stronger.

If you ever want a chat, I am here x

[Hidden in reply to orangecatmum]

I did try acupuncture last year. It was good but I struggled to juggle the appointments with work along with all of the other appointments. Although I could see if I could find another clinic that’s open weekends. I’ll have a look into it. Thanks for the message.

[Boo718]

I hope you’re ok. This journey can be truly awful. I remember thinking woo hoo round one this will definately work. And it’s just heart breaking when it all goes to crap. It is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. My head was all over the place. Trying to work out when to move on or give up. Give yourself some time. You have been through a lot in the last 4 months maybe a wee break might help heal a little xxx

[Hidden in reply to Boo718]

I think so too. To be honest I didn’t want to do the last round I was so tired but also so scared of running out of time. Even just a couple of days sleep I’m feeling a bit clearer. X

[Boo718 in reply to Hidden]

It really is soo difficult. After every round I was like … I’ve had enough. I’m never doing it again then we would have a little break and back on it. Look after yourself