Advice please

[Navy88]

Anyone got coping advice?Last year I underwent 2nd round of IVF, after 5 failed embryo transfers and not being able to conceive naturally anymore as both fallopian tubes removed, and unable to afford further treatment, me and my husband have accepted this fact.

I found out today my sister in law has found out she is pregnant with surprise 3rd baby, she knows our situation and whilst is sympathetic, is also talking to me and looking to me for support and advice as this has come as a shock to her. I understand however I am struggling to not show how upset I am, knowing this is no longer an option for us.

Just wondered if anyone has dealt with anything similar? Any advice would be appreciated

[Xmishell37]

Hey, sorry Ur having to navigate this situation, I can't say I've had to deal with the same situation as everyone who knows my situation (TTC for almost 5 years, 2 early miscarriages via failed IVF) has been entirely appropriate and sensitive to this fact, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to tell her that ur struggling to deal with anything pregnancy related at the minute, I'm a year into IVF and am now unapologetic about missing events etc if I don't feel up to it, there comes a point u need to put urself first and I can only imagine the stress it's causing u feeling like u need to support someone else who got pregnant without the effort pain and suffering that uv experienced (and it's nothing against that person but I know it can feel totally unfair), id understand ur anxiety though about saying the wrong thing or coming across as insensitive but again I think It needs to come down to putting urself first, Ur allowed to be happy for someone else but at the same time sad for yourself and maybe that's just what this person needs to hear in the nicest way possible 💗 xx

[Navy88 in reply to Xmishell37]

Thank you, that's good advice. I think she will understand I just feel guilty for projecting my personal feelings into someone else's situation but yes what you say makes sense x

[Fruitandflowers]

It's very personal as on the one hand it sounds like you have a close relationship with her and she wants to share with you something that has come as a shock and may not be entirely the wonderful news it may appear and she's worried about she'll cope etc, but also it hurts a lot for you. Does she have anyone else she can talk to and that she trusts? Could you maybe explain that it's quite difficult for you and that whilst you want to and will be there, it's pretty raw and triggering, and gently suggest or ask if she could confide in someone else? In terms of coping otherwise, we didn't tell anyone about TTC let alone IVF etc, so I just stayed a bit distant and disinterested tbh, and sounds like that's not right for your situation. My SIL in particular announced her second pregnancy early (as she was so unwell) at a family bbq but it was just as I was letting mine go after it turned out not to be viable, making that the second IVF loss in a matter of months - turned out we would have been due at the same time, but there I was in the toilet changing pads and hoping no-one noticed how antisocial I was being and all she and anyone else could talk about was her morning sickness, could it be twins, how many 'more' would she have.. and then my MIL helpfully suggested that if I did ever want children, I could 'just' try IVF. So openess is probably better, although it doesn't guarantee sensitivity and I think sometimes it just a complete lack of awareness of what it's been like, and how it continues to hurt, and also people naturally think about and talk about their problems and don't stop to see how just that could be upsetting to someone else. You sound very caring and like you're trying to balance protecting your own feelings against your instinct to support and be there for her, and that's so admirable, but she will work it all out and it'll all be fine in the long term, so don't sacrifice your own wellbeing and mental health right now for something you don't really need to.

[Navy88 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Thank you, she does know our situation and has been a big support to me through a lot of it. It's just hard to listen to her freak out about something she hadn't planned for when it's all I would wish for. Suppose that's life, she hasn't done it to attack me. Unfortunately she doesn't have much support from elsewhere so it would be difficult to distance myself. I feel better though knowing I'm not wrong to feel how I do, and will continue to support her the best way I can and also try to look after my own mental health. Thank you for your reply, it's so comforting in times like these to know there are people who understand x

[GraceFace]

Hi Navy, firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My advice would be to do something your sister can’t. When my first IVF round failed (our last embryo resulted in a loss), my husband and I went on a big fancy holiday to a Greek island (with an adult-only hotel). Think sand, sea, sun and lots of alcohol. It helped us to bond again, and come to terms with the idea that if it was just the two of us, that was ok. I should say that we do actually have 2 little people now, as the next round went really well, but that holiday was everything. Do the ‘once in a lifetime things’ now x x

[MAPB]

During COVID19 it seemed like everywhere I looked someone was pregnant or pushing a pram, some I knew, some I didn’t. All I can say is never think you are a bad person because you’re not brimming with joy and support for other people who have what you so desperately want. You’re a human being xxx

[notifbutwhen]

Reading all these posts have made me feel better. Been in a simular situation with my sister and sister in law but they just don't seem to understand so I have distanced myself because I just can't be around them and their children because of how I am feeling. I am also nearly at the end of the road and learning to exempt that. You are such a strong person to be able to be there for someone else after what you have experienced. I do also agree with trying to plan happy things for you and you other half, like a holiday. It is so hard and your but know you are not alone in your feelings.