Depression

I think I coped OK with my first IVF cycle although I was anxious throughout it, but I have been depressed in the past and needed antidepressants and was terrified it would send me back to that place. Now, after it has failed I am noticing all the signs of depression creeping in. I am crying a lot and find it hard to feel positive about anything. I am dreading going back to work on Wednesday. I just feel my chances of ever having a child are slipping away and I've been very ill over the last couple of years with bowel surgery and complications so it's been a struggle to get through all that. I feel IVF on top of this is just sending me over the edge. I've tried to make a GP appointment, but can't get one until next Wednesday. I don't know whether to ask to go back onto antidepressants to get through this or if I will just start to feel better by myself. I know it's not a great idea to be on them if you are going to get pregnant, but right now I figure that's so unlikely anyway. I'm just sick of it all and need some support to keep going. Any thoughts or advice girls?

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  • Hi BluChakra. So sorry to hear that you are feeling so low at the moment. You’ve obviously been through so much having suffered failed IVF cycles – plus bowel surgery! I think that at the moment, you are important, and if you need to go back on anti-depressants temporarily to feel well again, then you need to. Your GP will best advise you when you see him/her next Wednesday. You can’t always guarantee that you will get strong and able to cope again on your own, so please accept treatment if you need it for the moment to get you back on course again. Make sure you chose who you spend time with at the moment and look after you! I hope all goes well when you get back to work and something positive comes from your GP appointment. Diane

  • Thanks Diane. Its hard because I've been able to stay off them for over two years now and have got through a lot without them. I know they help, but the idea of taking drugs to numb the reality that I might never have kids sticks in my throat because a pill won't change that fact. However I know I'm feeling worse now than I have in a long time and treatment night help me to think clearer.

  • Hi. Have you had any counselling at all, and if not, why not give it a try? You may just need that little bit of help too at the moment, to get through all this. If you do decide to see one, then make sure it is an infertility counsellor. I do wish you so much good luck with it all, as I hate to read that you are so down. Diane

  • Thanks Diane. Yes we are entitled to counselling with our clinic. We had one appointment just at the start of treatment and we have another tomorrow. I'll ask for her advice on dealing with the depression. I had a bit of counselling last year but she wasn't an infertility counsellor. I'm not sure I found it that helpful as it just kind of reinforced what a rough time I'd had in recent years and didn't offer many solutions for dealing with it. However I'll give this one a chance. I don't know how many sessions we get though. Thanks again

  • I'll be thinking of you and all the best with the session. Diane

  • Hey! Im so sorry that you have had such a horrible time. I would definitely recommend counselling. I have had to go private for it & my counsellor isnt an infertility one but it has really helped me not just for infertility but also to investigate why I have become such an anxious person over recent years & why I am more susceptible to depression. Some sessions are more productive than others but they all give my counsellor an insight into how I feel & she can then try & find themes or patterns of thoughts/behaviour that I wasnt maybe previously aware of.

    I appreciate that it may not work for everyone but you need to have at least 5/6 sessions I think to start to really feel the benefits (this was the most frustrating thing as I just wanted to be 'fixed' asap!).

    I plan to keep going for a few more months.

    Good luck to you in whichever route you choose & take care. Xx

  • Thanks Clarence80. I don't know how many sessions we are entitled to with the counsellor, but I will give her a chance. I know she can't just 'fix' me ( not sure anyone could do that!) but I feel like I need practical tools to just keep going, hold down my job etc. I know I've had a bad time with my health problems in recent years and don't feel going over that helps. Hopefully once she gets to know our situation we can start to do more work to help with coping. xx

  • Hi there. So sorry to hear how you're feeling. Do you have a support group anywhere near you? I go to the Hewitt centre in Liverpool and we have a support group once a month which is fantastic. I can socialise with other women (and their partners) who fully comprehend what I'm going through. I was living in Wiltshire prior to this and struggled with depression as there didn't seem like anywhere I could go and talk about it easily. Whilst I still have depressed tendencies, I am much more able to cope now with this fantastic group of friends I have made. We're even off for a weekend away to London for the Infertility Show at the start of November! If you need medication to help you through this rough time, then take it. Nothing wrong with that. Better to deal with it now, than let it spiral out of control and get you to a worse place than you are now. Wishing you lots of luck x

  • So sad to hear your feeling this way... But it is to be expected after everything you have been through.

    The body and mind needs some time to heal and recover, so be kind to yourself.

    Have a look at Sarah holland she looks at the fertile mindset and Andrew loosely both do free question times they maybe of some help, I would definitely consider counselling, it's about finding the right person for you !

    Hope your be feeling better soon x

  • So sad to hear your feeling this way... But it is to be expected after everything you have been through.

    The body and mind needs some time to heal and recover, so be kind to yourself.

    Have a look at Sarah holland she looks at the fertile mindset and Andrew loosely both do free question times they maybe of some help, I would definitely consider counselling, it's about finding the right person for you !

    Hope your be feeling better soon x

  • Thanks guys for the suggestions. I think there is a support group in my area, but it's in a hospital that is quite difficult for me to get to with no car. However, I'll look into it. Maybe I could convince a friend to give me a lift as I doubt my partner would be up for it. It's hard enough to get him to go to a counsellor!

    Anyhow I'm feeling a bit more positive today and pleased to report that the counsellor thinks I am just 'deeply sad' and should not rush into treatment for depression unless my mood persists more than a few weeks because medical professionals tend to label a lot of normal emotions as depression.

    I'll also check out Sarah Holland and Andrew Loosely. My problem is that although I'm happy to spend cash on a herbalist and acupuncture I am sometimes sceptical of these sites that claim to have all the answers for improving your fertility. I know the mind body connection is really important, as is diet etc, but the fact is I have a lot of scarring in my pelvis from surgery and a low AMH which no amount of meditation, juicing and brazil nuts can change.

    When I'm in a positive mood I do embrace all this stuff, but at times like this I read about people being all mindful and stuff and just want to tell them to f**** off! No offense anyone, but sometimes when you've been off the booze for months and you feel like your normal outgoing personality has been reduced to a wholegrain obsessed husk of itself, avoiding people and their children and turning down nights out so you can sit in and pat your belly and chant you just crave some normality. LOL ;-) Sorry folks xx

  • I'm sorry to hear you feel so low. I am generally a happy person who can hide my emotions well and try to stay positive about everything but my first failed ivf really knocked the stuffing out of me! I just couldn't stop crying when things went wrong, I just became so emotional especially for the first month or so! I think that like me you need time and you need to find something to keep your mind occupied. I have one more chance coming up for a frozen transfer but if this doesn't work I'm going to try and adopt. I know I would be a good mum like you and I can't imagine my life without a child! So let's try again, keep positive and remember we are not alone, there is so much support on this website and so many people going through similar things. Stay in touch, love maisie xx

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