I've not been on here for a while and since I can't sleep I thought I would drop in to catch up. My latest cycle of IVF was successful! After three and a quarter years I was pregnant. I've been visualising this moment in detail for months and I felt exactly like I thought I would, excited, relieved and so so grateful. However at our six and half week scan the nurse could not find a heartbeat and the yoke sack was not as large as it should be. I had a blood test and the level was only slightly lower than it should be so was told that although it did not look great miracles do happen! Quite literally that was the doctors prognosis. We had to hold out for 9 days and then have another scan were it was possible that little dot would of sped up growth and be back to conforming with the norm.
I felt like I'd been told our son (I had a strong feeling that he was a boy, all my imaginary pregnancies have been girls!) was lost at sea so he was probably gone but not to mourn yet as he might turn up next week!
When I had the scan I panicked, two week waits are bad enough, when you are told that you need to go away and wait it out, oh and you might have a miscarriage at any moment, the level of limbo land just got serious!
But something amazing happened, I didn't deteriorate into a mess of anxiety as I thought I would, I actually remained calm and even managed to have some really lovely times during those 9 days. When you practice mindfulness you realise that it is impossible to label an entire period of time as negative or awful as each moment is brand-new and we can choose how we respond to the things that are happening to us and the thoughts that we think about them.
During this time I employed many of the tools that I share on mindfulmumatobe.co.uk/ mindfulness meditation, cognitive behavioural techniques to question my thinking and one hell of a lot of EFT.
The main thing I wanted to share with you is really a testimony of how powerful these techniques are. I knew that I would be okay no matter what happened. I'm not saying that I knew that my pregnancy would be okay but I knew that whatever happened I would be okay, I would have the strength to carry on.
Our scan on Thursday confirmed that the baby has not survived and I am now miscarrying.
I intend to allow myself to breakdown if I need to, allow myself to experience all of the feelings that are going through me but I keep coming back to the affirmation “I let go and trust that it is all happening perfectly I just don't know what the bigger picture is yet” and this gives me a sense of acceptance.
It is my dream that as many women as possible are given the chance to experience what a difference mindfulness, CBT and EFT can make while experiencing infertility so am offering the first three weeks of my 9 week Embrace course for free. ( I left my career in design in 2012 and retrained as a therapist after running my support group voluntarily for a year.)
Everyone is also very welcome to join our free fertility support community on Facebook, it's a secret group so you can't search for it check out all the details on our website: mindfulmumatobe.co.uk/
I am also an infertility network volunteer and run monthly support sessions in central London.
I should probably go back to bed! xxxxxxx