Sharing our story... being honest about infertility and miscarriage

[MrsB_2013]

Hi, I think I first found this forum around 2 years ago. I've been somewhat of a lurker, reading posts with interest, commenting every now and then and posting very occasionally. I don't really know why I haven't got more involved but very recently my journey has taken some very unexpected turns down some very rocky paths. We've always been quite private about our infertility, just a small handful of people knew about it until we started ivf when we felt we had to / needed to tell more people. Well now my husband and I have decided that the time has come to stop hiding completely because the support through being more open has been incredible. I have written the (rather long, sorry!) summary below which we are thinking of posting on Facebook... I'd be really grateful for any thoughts. The message I'm trying to get across is that it's ok to talk about it and there is no need to be ashamed, support networks are invaluable... (I'm not suggesting everyone makes such a bold statement but we think it could work for us). Thanks in advance for any input!

"Hubby and I have thought long and hard about posting this but we have come to the conclusion that the benefits (for us, and hopefully others) outweigh the risks... apologies because it is long, but if you do read on hopefully you will understand why.

Up until now we have pretty much kept our infertility hidden from social media and all but our closest of confidantes; we started trying to have a family in the summer of 2014, just after our first wedding anniversary. We had our first appointment at a hospital fertility clinic just over 2 years ago and since then have had 6 cycles of clomid (a drug to induce ovulation), 3 rounds of iui (intra uterine insemination - think medical turkey basting!) and this summer we embarked on the gruelling journey that is ivf. After more than a month of daily injections, 28 eggs were collected from me at the beginning of August and we had to "freeze all" due to the risks of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS). Turns out that "all" was only 5x 2-day old embryos, the rest of that mammoth haul of eggs either didn't fertilise or didn't develop as the embryologists would have liked them to.

Fast forward to the autumn... my body had calmed down, I had another month of daily injections, a couple of weeks of HRT tablets and my body was finally ready to have an embryo transferred. All of our frosties were thawed and 2 of them made it to the blastocyst stage when they were 5 days old; they weren't the best quality so both were transferred into me on Thursday 9 November.

They became affectionately known as our "bat babies" and I spent a fortnight off work taking it easy and willing them to stick. On Wednesday 22 November all of our wildest dreams came true when a home pregnancy test (OK, 5 home pregnancy tests!) revealed those 2 lines that we had never seen before. We had beaten the odds, defied the statistics. We were finally pregnant!!! It really was the most amazing feeling.

Unfortunately though, it just wasn't meant to be and, on Friday 1 December, at a fraction under 6 weeks pregnant, I had a sudden and spontaneous miscarriage. The bat baby (or babies) were gone. There are no words to describe how we felt, or indeed how we feel now. It is still incredibly raw.

Our reason for telling this story so publicly though is because we have discovered that infertility and miscarriage really are the "elephants in the room". Since we made the difficult decision to be open and honest about our situation amongst family, friends and colleagues we have been overwhelmed by the number of people who have been through, or are going through, similar situations. The support network that we have been able to build as a result of our honesty has been absolutely invaluable and has helped, and is helping, us through the darkest of times.

So please, if you can relate to some or all of this and are finding it hard, don't be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it. Feel free to contact us if you want to. Together we can perhaps all be that little bit stronger. "

[ChloBo84]

First of all I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It is a heartbreaking thing to have to go through, and I really hope you’re doing ok.

Secondly, I want to give you a huge applause for wanting to open up to your friends etc on social media. Fertility issues really aren’t talked about it understood enough, and I know there is a lot more coverage of it going on now, but it’s still such a taboo subject that *whispers* ‘no one wants to talk about openly’.

I have thought about doing the same a multitude of times but I don’t think I am quite ready just yet to open myself up to much.

Either way, if you decide to post this on Facebook or not, you seem to have a very good support system already, and I have found that having my support system has been invaluable in our fertility journey.

Sending so much respect, appreciation, and positive thoughts for you as you enter the next part of your journey.

Xx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to ChloBo84]

Thank you for your support. Yes, we are lucky to be building a great support network already. My slightly selfish reason for wanting to post this amongst all of our friends and acquaintances is to hopefully find someone in the "same" position as us - we know people who've had unsuccessful ivf and people who have experienced miscarriage but don't know anyone who has had ivf then a miscarriage like we have. x

[Lilli79]

Hi, that's a really lovely post. I have been thinking about something similar for a long time. I've posted a few links on Facebook to articles about ivf in the hope that some people might reach out to me. It would be comforting to know that others have been through the same ordeal. I know quite a few people who've been through it but for some reason I don't want be the one to bring it up. I do wish it was easier to talk about 💕

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Lilli79]

It is such a hard thing to talk about isn't it? It's impossible to know how people will react. I started to be more openly honest when I went to my 20 year school reunion. It was kind of a self protection mechanism to the "have you got children" question that I knew would come up - my rehearsed answer was "not from want of trying, we need to have ivf". I just felt the truth was easier than making up something! I hope that you are able to open up to someone soon if you want to. Feel free to pm me anytime xx

[Hidden]

Hi dear,

I believe there is a need of talking openly about this. I hugely appreciate this gesture you are making. It is of course a very personal decision posting this, but it's your privacy and you have the right to be as public with It as you want. It is not anything that can offend anybody. Somebody could feel akward about it? If that is the case you wouldn't be loosing much, as that people probably couldn't be part of the support you are looking for. Some people just can react to what they do not understand.

My advice is that there is nothing wrong and that it is positive to normalize these situations. I personally also thank you for this. If any, I would perhaps cut a bit on the technical aspectos of the treatments/cycles? Also, expect more well intentioned people worrying about you, as sometimes this is something I find hard too...

So summary: I agree, there is a need to be open about it!

Xxx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I agree some people may not know what to say, which as you say is fine as they are not likely to be the ones to support anyway. I hadn't thought about those that might worry too much though! Could be interesting... am going to wait until the end of the school term at least so I don't become a topic of conversation in the staff room, it should have blown over a bit after 3 weeks off over Christmas! 😉

[Cinderella5]

Sorry hear about your loss but Im glad you have had some really good support from family & friends as I feel this is really important and yes the more people share, the more we realise we are not alone in our fight for a family nor are we unsupported.

I think this is a great idea! Infertility is such a lonely place and once you start sharing you do get support though sometimes not as much from some but hey that's life and perhaps those people are not the "friends" that we once thought they were. Some of us dont even receive the support from family that we thought we would so being part of this forum has helped a great deal, to support an be supported when we need it.

We started out the same as you, only telling a few but gradually the circle has gotten bigger and Im not ashamed, whey should I be. I initially kept it to myself but that was more for self protection, it doesnt help so all our friends now know. I dont have social media but have shared some articles with friends and they have been really interested as they didnt know the half of what we go through....hell I didnt realise before I started!

Good for you spreading the word, I hope it goes well. Keep us posted!xx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you. I will let you know how it goes. We have a couole more people that we need to tell about the miscarriage before we go ahead as we don't want them to find out that way! (Hubby's mum for example who lives abroad!!) x

[Franco81]

This is such an amazing thing to do, I really hope you get waves of support from your friends and I’m sure it will help others too. It really would be great if infertility were easier to talk about so less isolating.

I’m so sorry to hear of the struggles and heartbreak you have had to endure though and send you lots of hope for the happy ending you deserve xx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Franco81]

Thank you. We are trying to keep some positivity through this hardest time so far - number one is that I can actually get pregnant!! Here's to trying again in 2018... x

[E_05]

Sorry to hear about all you’ve been through but what a beautifully honest post you’ve written. I think it definitely helps to be open to family and friends, infertility can be such a lonely place. I haven’t yet shared on Facebook but we are more open to friends and family as in the beginning we told no one. I can totally relate to the feeling of ‘an elephant in the room’. I hope you get a good response from people and the support that is much needed xx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to E_05]

Thank you. I am sorry that you have had such a difficult year too and hope that You are continuing to find the support you need to help you through. Much love xxx

[Hidden]

Well done and am sorry for your loss... that’s feeling I would like to say goes but it never does becomes a little bearable but never ever goes x

Fingers crossed for which ever path you take to get your dream x

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. We will give ivf another go next year I think, don't feel ready to give up just yet (which is pretty good from someone who, 2 years ago, said she would NEVER have ivf! 😅) x

[Chloegreenkiwi]

It’s like you’ve read my mind! Great post and I hope it’s received really well. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing the same for ages. TBH anyone that matters to us already knows about our journey but I thought it may help anyone else going through it or due to go through it to know it’s not a taboo subject and it’s not abnormal! Best of luck and hope you find your happiness in whatever shape that ends up being xx

[MrsB_2013 in reply to Chloegreenkiwi]

Thank you. We haven't posted it yet, think we will wait another week or so until I'm no longer at school and we've spoken to the last couple of people who need to find out about the miscarriage from us in person rather than on social media... x

[ClarabGlasgow]

Well done to you! I think people sometimes open up if they manage to get pregnant but not so much during the struggle which is the time we most need support. Your mc must have been devastating I’m so sorry. I agree opening up about it helps , I’m not on social media but have told quite a few friends & even some work colleagues in the same boat. I haven’t told my parents though as think they would be more heartbroken than me and my mum is also very ill. Good luck with announcing but remember not everyone will know what to say ‘ some good friends may not even broach the subject for fear of upsetting you - think about how you want to deal with that in advance as you don’t necessarily want to feel anger towards friends who are just like this by nature . Xxx

[MrsB_2013]

Hi. I should probably just clarify - of the 28 eggs, 23 were mature, and 17 fertilized. Of that 17, 6 made it to blastocyst in the end but only 2 were good enough quality to transfer. I am very happy with my clinic and have lots of questions ready for our review appointment regarding egg and sperm quality in the hope that we get quality embryos over quantity next time...

[7AVA]

I’m so sorry for your loss MrsB. This is a warm, honest post and I admire your bravery in posting it on Social media xxx

[vic77]

so so sorry for you loss and sending you much love and I do hope you find the strength to go again and when you do we will all be right beside you. I think you are so so brave doing this and I think more awareness is fab as I do believe there is still a stigma out there. the girl from radio 4 I think it is has been doing lots of awareness raising lately and I was appalled at some of the comments on her page it truly upset both my husband and I to read such hideous comments from folk with no clue how awful and emotionally painful this journey is. Facebook is a step too far for me but I am a social media dinosaur however I totally get what you are doing. thanks for being so open and honest xx

[Lynnr54]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I’m glad you’ve managed to find such a supportive network in your family and friends and I think it’s an incredible thing that you’re doing posting your story. I hope that it encourages others who are struggling to come forward and realise that they are not alone x

[Hidden]

I think it's very brave of you to share such a personal story and i think you should go ahead and post if you feel comfortable to do so. I am sure there will be at least one person who will read this and think I'm going through this horrible journey to and reading this will hopefully help them know they are not alone and if you manage to help just one person that is a lovely thing to do. Xxx