I’m almost 17 weeks pregnant with my first real IVF success after 8 rounds of IVF and I just can’t shake the anxiety about having a miscarriage. Every time I go to the toilet I have this fear that I will see blood.
I’ve just spoken to a friend to tell her our news and she told me (when I asked her) that her miscarriage was at 17 weeks. Which as you can imagine has just made me feel awful. I remember so clearly how terrible and traumatic it was for her at the time.
Is there any point that I might feel better about this pregnancy? I’ve been quite sick with it which people tell me is a good sign.
I somewhat naively thought I might enjoy the experience of being pregnant after all these years of trying and I just don’t feel like that sadly.
I don’t know if my anxiety is stopping me feel connected with my baby as most of the time I don’t feel pregnant, I feel like an imposter & I just feel ill.
I also feel guilty that I don’t feel happier. After all this is what I’ve thrown everything at for almost a decade. It’s cost me financially, emotionally, my career, friends etc
Sorry if this is a bit of a pity party to kick the year off!
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Catkt
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aww I hear you. I’m 17 weeks too and it’s so nerve wracking. I’ve got very little/no symptoms and have been feeling really well so I keep having these horrible thoughts that it’s not there any more. 😢. After all this time ttc and doing ivf all the money and heart ache I thought I would be jumping for joy. I can’t even bring myself to buy anything coz I’m terrified it’s bad luck 😢 it really doesn’t get any easier xxx
Isn’t it funny how everyone’s pregnancies are different. I’m pleased you’re feeling well. I’ve just literally tested positive for Covid so that’s not helping my frame of mind I think! Hope that all is well on your next scan - would you think about having a private one for reassurance (they are nerve wracking too!)
So far I’ve bought one blanket on sale last week and one white noise toy that my friend recommended I get, so I know what you mean about being worried to buy things. X
I thought about an early scan but decided just to wait it out it’s nerve wracking in the lead up to a scan. It’s so weird how everyone’s different I’ve just had the cold virus that’s going about and a few weeks ago a sickness and diarrhoea bug but pregnancy wise I really can’t complain I’ve been very lucky so far. I think once I start to feel it I might be able to relax a little bit. Hope you manage to rest and get through covid it’s not fine at all xxx
thanks so much. Hoping you feel more relaxed soon. Roll on June 2023! Wishing you a smooth rest of pregnancy x
Just to say sorry you are feeling this way but I think it’s totally normal unfortunately - we are so pre programmed to fear the worst or assume that we can’t be ‘this lucky’ because we have been through so much to get here. I was particularly bad between 16 and 18 weeks and regularly convinced myself baby had died (no reason to think that just negative thoughts). At about 19 weeks I had my first kick and things got a bit easier and then I started to get a bump and felt more connected with baby.. I think it was fear of upset that was preventing that. Things will feel very different in a few weeks time once your bump has popped and your little one is nudging you regularly - although then you get a whole new load of new anxiety if they don’t move! Hang on in there you are doing brilliantly and I am sure all is fine xx
Thanks Daisy for your kind reassuring words. I’m starting to get a bit of a tummy - unless it’s the mince pies and Christmas dinner!
I just don't seem to be able to allow myself to be happy. I’ve even thought at times what have I done! (I think because I’ve felt so unwell and the enormity of the responsibility seems to dawn on me - although why that hadn’t fully occurred to me over the last 9/10 years I don’t know!)
I do think the disconnect is a self preservation mechanism as I still have part of me that can’t believe a. I’m actually pregnant despite seeing the little one on multiple scans and b. That I will deliver a healthy baby at 39/40 + weeks
Hopefully a kick or two will help me feel more connected. I’m sure by the time baby arrives I will be in love. I just want to be the best mumma I can. This baby deserves it as much as I do.
Hi Cat, I'm a few weeks behind you, just over 14 weeks, and struggling! This pregnancy was a natural one, which is a miracle, and the pressure of that, of knowing this chance will never come again, coupled with being a geriatric (!) is making it quitr hard. The pressure is so overwhelming sometimes 😪 I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far, only breast soreness and mild nausea really, plus needing to wee all the time etc. But I really haven't had a tough time and that itself stresses me out 😆Private scans help me, I think - I had a couple before my nhs dating scan earlier this week, and will do another in a couple of weeks, as my anomaly scan isn't booked until week 21 I think, and I honestly can't do it cold turkey until then! The scans do help me, as does an online miscarriage odds calculator. I know rationally the odds are much better now, of this working out fine, compared to not. And that does help a bit. Touch wood I've had no pain or bleeding at all so far, so I keep telling myself there's no logical reason this isn't going to be fine. But then reading stuff on forums I'll come across late MMC stories and bam, the fear returns 😢 Because rationally I know everyone who had the worst happen would have rationalised the odds etc just as I'm doing now. I honestly don't know how I could cope if something happened now 💔 Am trying to avoid the tragic stories for now, as bad as that may sound. Just trying to hang in there until I feel her move, but I know with a first baby that might be a looong way off still 😬🤦♀️
I'm actually looking forward to going back to work this week, for the distraction - less time for my thoughts to run wild and less time for googling stuff!! Xx
congratulations on your natural miracle! I guess none of this stuff is easy for anyone for a variety of reasons. I had extra scans as I had a bleed at 7 weeks just after a private viability scan. Talk about a roller coaster! Then spotting on and off but mostly on through the first trimester.
Looks like I’m going to have to cancel my midwife appointment on Tuesday now I’ve tested positive for Covid. My next scan is at the end of January. Which feels like a long time away.
I know the odds of a miscarriage are relatively small now I’ve got to 16/17 weeks but they are the same odds I clung to of success when doing IVF with my own eggs. Crazy huh?
Think it’s wise to try and avoid the sad stories to protect yourself. Take care and all the best with your pregnancy x
So sorry you're feeling poorly. I've seen lots of ladies contract covid in pregnancy and be fine, so I'm absolutely sure you will be too! 🥰 But I get it, it's annoying to miss an appointment as they are also little milestones for us! Bless you, you've had a tough journey. 8 rounds of IVF is brutal, it's no wonder you're super anxious. As others have said. we have to determine if our anxiety is manageable or out of control. If the latter, it really IS worth getting some proper help as early as possible, as it can really take over people's lives (even if they haven't been through the hell of infertility). I'm kind of a fan of private scans, maybe not every week (!) - but if that's what helps others, nothing wrong with it- but just to create more milestones to get us through this tricky period when there often isn't much evidence things are happening! I do maintain the reassurance of a scan for a while after it, so will defo schedule one in a couple of weeks I think. I'm seeing a consultant Friday (no idea what that entails!) so that's something else to occupy my thoughts a bit 😂
But honestly, I do think I need to be back working now, had a fortnight off and the rest and relaxation aren't helping anymore, just giving me too much time to google silly things 🤣 Hope you aren't suffering too badly with covid xx
Thanks for your kind rely, that’s very reassuring to hear! Unfortunately to add insult to injury my employer made me redundant bang in the middle of round number 6 which was pretty unhelpful. This means I have far too much time on my hands but on the other side I don’t have to feel guilty on the days I don’t feel well or have to rest! I may book another private scan next week when I’m released from Covid jail!
Oh no! That's so shit, I'm sorry. Gosh, you've really been through the wringer 😢 Don't worry though, I'm sure there are loads of positive things you can do at home to stay distracted - read some good books, do small things round the house, puzzles, gentle exercise, baking... my problem is, when I'm off work I don't do ANY of these positive things, I just sort of lull about watching rubbish TV I'm not even enjoying, and get addicted to scrolling on my darn phone, which isn't good for me 😂 And as you say, at least you won't have the pressure of feeling you have to push through on the days when you just feel a bit rubbish and want to rest up 😍 Counting down to the release from covid jail for you! 🥰 xx
Totally normal feelings and worries. You are carrying the most precious gift and the thought of it being taken away is terrifying.
It does get a bit better the further along I remember in my late second trimester it got way better (still worried) but I bonded with baby much more and enjoyed just feeling and watching her move.
I spoke to other women who hadn’t been through ivf and they had the same worries but not as thought intrusive as mine. It was definitely because of infertility and treatment.
The worries change all the time and does after birth too (sorry) but in a good way!
We’re 5mths into parenthood and it’s amazing but I still sometimes feel so overwhelmed and that I should be loving every second but you don’t.
Once you get into the 20+weeks it flys all of a sudden until the last 8wks then it takes forever lol
Congratulations to you all your doing an amazing job protecting the little precious babies 💕
Hoping to feel some movement soon as I think you’re right that will help me feel like this is all a bit more real/possible. It’s my first viable pregnancy, so I’m aware it could be a bit later than my current 16/17 weeks
To be honest, I am probably just a worrier and will probably be worried until, well forever! Can’t see me not being worried even when I have a baby/toddler/ teenager: young adult. I guess the worries will just change!
Thanks for your kind reassuring words and taking the time to write.
Thank you Fudge, this helps me too! Especially the time thing. I really feel time is dragging at the moment, full term seems SO unbelievably far off. I'm really hoping after the 20 week scan, and I hopefully start feeling her move, that I can adjust my internal worry scales so that 'excited' starts to win and 'scared $hitless' starts to lose! 😆 I know it's all worry after worry, and when they're finally here it's more worries all over again... but just knowing I'm halfway there seems like the promised land right now! Hope you're doing well Lovely - and don't worry if you don't love every second of it, I've never met any parent who didn't find it very tough as well as amazing. I'm sure you're doing brilliantly xx
I also had this and spent a lot of my pregnancy at the maternity hospital getting checked because of lack of movement! I don’t know if there really was a lack of movement or just connected to me being convinced something would go wrong! My anxiety did get easier generally and I did feel able to buy stuff for the baby in the 3rd trimester but just be mindful you’ve been through a lot of trauma to get here so finding it hard is completely normal. Have you considered accessing perinatal mental health services? They may be able to see if you if you’re finding it really difficult.
I’m seeing them now postnatally - anyone who has struggled with fertility is likely to be at higher risk of perinatal mental health issues. That’s not to frighten you - it’s not a foregone conclusion- I think it’s useful to normalise struggling though and get help if you need it, not battle on alone. Hopefully you won’t need it but just know there should be some help xx
Congratulations on your new arrival and getting through it all!
Yes perhaps when I get to speak to the midwife I’ll ask. I feel I’m being a bit neurotic about it. Maybe the expectation (hope) of sailing through pregnancy like some sort of earth mother was a bit unrealistic of me!
However I am enjoying other peoples excitement at our news. That’s the nice part after all these years of bad news or saying nothing and people being scared to ask. It makes a lovely change to have something positive to talk about for 2023!
Thank you 😊 It does still feel a bit unreal to me after being convinced I’d never have a baby! Enjoy sharing the positive news - I know what you mean about all that (and not hiding it anymore in my case ).
Yes, you could chat to your midwife - it depends how ‘clued in’ they are about IVF and mental health (mine wasn’t unfortunately!). Also check out Cat Strawbridge’s Finally Pregnant podcasts - I think they are on Spotify. I found them very relatable.
I really feel that what you’re experiencing isn’t unusual given everything- but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to just lump it if it’s really impacting on things. I guess it’s defining where the line is for you between where it’s manageable and where you feel you would benefit from some support. It’s also good to be aware (but not overly anxious!) of the fact that some of these feelings may continue after your baby arrives, and not to beat yourself up about it if you do find it hard. There is help if you need it. You might not 😊 xx
No advice but I could have written this myself!! I’m 16w4 and I don’t look pregnant, feel pregnant or have any symptoms really! Everything makes me anxious!!!! I’m not normally anxious in normal life!
I’m hoping that (as others have said) when it starts moving more and I can feel it, I will feel less anxious.
I think that because we are so used to hearing bad news, it feels incredibly uncomfortable to not hear that and I’m still looking for the what could go wrong.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, we’re very close in dates aren’t we! Sounds like I’ve had your nausea & vomiting. I’m starting to develop a tummy, or it could be Christmas bloat! As you say one day at a time. Best of luck x
How lovely, I was hoping to hear my little one tomorrow but will have to cancel the midwife appointment due to having positive covid test, I’m gutted to be missing it. Yes mines a few mince pies and pigs in blankets I think! X
I’ve just turned 18 weeks after 5 losses (inc. IVF) and totally understand. I’ve never made it this far before and have to keep reminding myself that it’s really happening. I’ve not had too many symptoms which hasn’t helped but I’ve clung onto the sore boobs! I’ve started showing now and have only told close family/friends. At 20 weeks if all is well we’ll share wider and I’m hoping that will help me settle in a bit more - but also I’m starting to get the urge to start planning/sort the house and can’t quite let myself yet which I’m finding tough.
I think after so much difficulty we’re always going to expect the worst, my first trimester i was primed for it, but i keep trying to think of each milestone rather than the overall pregnancy. So right now I’m focused on the 20wk scan. Helps somehow! But i also have had some private scans to keep me going - our last was 16wks - and i find that helps too. xx
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Yes I might get a private reassurance scan when I’m clear of this covid, although it’s only three weeks to my 20 week scan now. I find the build up to going to the scans also quite anxious but you do get a couple of weeks afterwards where you feel a bit better/calmer. I guess I’m lucky that I’ve had symptoms as such. The boobs, nausea and vomiting. It’s all good!
I started telling close family and friends once I got the Downs/Edwards/Patau results back as I felt a bit more reassured then. May wait a little longer before I tell my wider family & friends who I’m unlikely to bump into.
I know how you feel. I’d had a miscarriage and I was very worried. But just know your chances now are much lower and the fact you’ve been so sick really does lower the chance of miscarriage too. Hopefully the 20 week scan will make you feel better. I know it did me then when I got to 25 weeks even better - focus on the small milestones and they can help xx
Thanks! I do try and look at the positives just the worries over take those sometimes!
I wasn’t sure with the sickness whether it’s a bit of an old wives tale about it being a good sign or not, I’ve heard conflicting things I suppose. I’ll hang on to it being a good sign.
Will be looking forward to 20 week scan. Not too long to wait. 😊
I was obsessed with looking at statistics, and whilst not being sick is not a sign of miscarriage, there is a higher chance of miscarriage in women with no sickness vs women with sickness - and that’s just factual. I’m not trying to scare anyone. However I know lots of women (who had boys) with no sickness and many with girls with sickness so it is a sign of a girl too 🥰
Not long to wait, I tried to busy myself and try some day time meditation. As that can help xx
But also this link explains that lots of studies have been done to show that having morning sickness in pregnancy carries lower risk of miscarriage. I’m not trying to scaremonger- I’m just trying to provide reassurance where someone has experienced morning sickness
I can totally relate. My first trimester I was so sick which just sparked feelings of resentment & failure that my body couldn’t even do pregnancy well. Silly, as others have said, the sickness can be a really good sign. But I was really down and couldn’t enjoy pregnancy as I thought I should.
For me the scans have continued to be just more scans. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to see/get print outs but our Bubs has been measuring large so we’ve had lots of additional growth scans which has just been a worry. My anxiety only really started to settle once I was feeling bubs moving (which started around 23 wks). Hearing his heart beat on the Doppler at the midwife appointments post 20wks has also been really helpful. I don’t know why but for me hearing his heart beating is way more reassuring/special than the scans. Maybe I think there’s an element of negative association with scans from ivf, cysts, previous mmc etc.
Anyway, the long and short of it I guess is don’t beat yourself up about not feeling how you think you should. Just because you are pregnant does not make the trauma of what you have been through any less real. I heard a comparison on a podcast recently which really resonated with me: If someone had been through childhood trauma we would never expect that when they reach 18 that they would be ‘fixed’ / ‘fine’ just because they are no longer a child. As someone who has gone through fertility struggles and trauma don’t expect yourself to be ‘healed’/‘fine’ because you are now pregnant.
You will grow to love and bond with your baby but don’t put pressure on yourself. It’s ok to protect yourself xx
Thanks so much for your lovely reply & your understanding. I think you’re right I’ve been through a lot of Trauma & I’m definitely not over it yet and that’s perhaps exacerbating the anxiety I’m having.
I’ve rearranged my midwife appointment today to next week and hopefully I’ll be able to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I think that will be magic!
In the meantime I’ll try to be a bit more patient with myself I think. Thanks again your reply really touched me and hope all goes smoothly with the rest of your pregnancy. With best wishes. x
hey cat k - can totally relate to everything you posted. Currently 18w1 day
So don’t know what it is about this period in pregnancy but reading all responses seems like a heightened period for many with respect to this anxiety
We’ve got the 20 week scan in a couple of weeks but we’ve booked a scan in before then for hopefully some reassurance. A family friend miscarried around 20week mark so im worried about that happening to us like a missed miscarriage so the scans before the 20 week I’m hoping will be reassuring.
This may be a slight digression but What you said about This journey impacting your career as well as emotionally physically etc , I totally relate and can hear you - I just wondered out of interest if we assume all goes well with our pregnancies and fingers crossed it does (roll on June 2023) would you consider having baby 2 if it meant going through everything you’ve gone through all over again? I know it might seem like an impossible question but I’m beginning to think for myself no I don’t think I’d want any more after this - as I’ve known friends to have had 2 babies who are now school age in the time it’s taken me to have the one and I’m just not sure I can keep my life on hold any longer. But does that make me selfish to deny my baby a sibling? I’m not saying definitely one way or the other now as I know these feelings can change but just wondered given our similar situations how you felt about this?
Thanks for your response to my post there does seem a lot of us in a similar boat. I hope your upcoming scan goes well. I think when you know someone who’s had a miscarriage at this point when statistically the odds are so low it does heighten anxiety.
To answer about a sibling. I feel quite strongly I would like to give my baby a sibling for a couple of key reasons, firstly as we are now using donor eggs, I feel it’s probably more important for the baby to have a strong family connection and full sibling than if it wasn’t a donor egg conceived child.
I don’t know if I’m right or wrong with this and I know obviously that not all siblings get along.
Secondly, as we will be older parents I’m aware we might not have as long with our child/ren as we might like, so to me if they have a full sibling there’s always someone who will be there for them as they make their way in the world - again hoping they rub along well together. If they are close in age perhaps they will….
My intention is to try for a sibling a year after this baby is born - the minimum time period stipulated by the clinic. We have 4 good quality frozen embryos so would be in a position to try to give our baby a full sibling. After that I would stop if not successful.
So I realistically won’t get back to a career of my own for 3/4/5 years? It’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make after going through so much I don’t want to hand my kids off to childcare. I also don’t have family in a position to offer help with any childcare so it will be down to me mainly (with a little bit of help from my husband). That’s the reality.
The only caveat to the above is I’ve felt so ill over the first trimester and found it pretty hard being pregnant, I do have concerns whether I could do that again and also have a lively 12/18 month old to look after at the same time. I’m amazed anyone manages it, they must be super human. It might be a bit much!! I guess I’ll have to see how I feel when the time comes & of course I might feel better with a subsequent pregnancy or maybe just have a better idea of what to expect.
My husband is an only child, who isn’t close to his parents so I don’t think he feels as strongly about having a sibling as I do but that’s perhaps as he’s very self sufficient and happy as he is.
Hope my ramblings make some sort of sense. There’s no right answers & what will be, will be!
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