Surprise pregnancy shock

[Zeebee14]

I had my beautiful little girl in February 2023 via DE ivf. She’s the most wonderful little thing in the world and I love her beyond measure.

Since having her I’ve had 2 periods, and my 3rd was later than I was expecting so I took a test and I’m so completely shocked to find out I’m pregnant! I’ve never been pregnant naturally before.

This means there will be a 20 month difference between the babies, so 2 under 2. I’m so scared, shocked and overwhelmed. Myself and my partner are not getting on very well at the moment, so this is bad timing.

Also I’ll have to navigate telling my first that she’s donor conceived, but not the second, and as they’ll be so close in age that might be tricky.

Not sure what the point of this post is, just to get my thoughts out there and hope someone has some advice/reassurance. X

[Millbanks]

oh wow! Congratulations!!! That must be the biggest shock of your life.

I can really give you any tips but having 2 so close in age might be more of a blessing than you think! Yes, back to sleepless nights but at least this part is over with sooner.

As for relationships, I have found that since my little boy was born my relationship with my husband is in constant flux. Some days good / some days bad / some days muddling along.

I think it’s natural in parenthood with all the life pressures xx

[Zeebee14 in reply to Millbanks]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m still completely shocked but getting more used to the idea. I know a few couples with young babies and relationship issues too so maybe we’re not unique. X

[Positive20]

First of all a massive congratulations! Although from people I have spoke to have said an age gap is very challenging in the beginning long term it’s lovely having two that play together and fingers crossed they will end up very close.

I know of a case the same as yours, one DE and then one natural - it can happen and it does. All I think you need is your unconditional love for both children, both are yours, both loved the same and both you would give your life for. I don’t think any child receiving that would have a problem if you are honest from the start that they can understand. If you tell both children as they are growing up, they both will accept this and think no differently Xx

[Zeebee14 in reply to Positive20]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I think in the long term it will be nice having them so close in age but not fun for me to start with.

I’ve found out it’s actually quite common to have a natural pregnancy after ivf. I plan on being honest with my daughter about how she was made and will make her a book. It might be nice to make a book for the new baby too so they have a personalised book each telling their stories. X

[Fruitandflowers]

Congratulations! This is very similar to me - in 10 years TTC we never had a natural pregnancy but finally had a success with IVF. Then trying for a sibling, a few months after surgery for a PUL and weeks after. BfN on a FET, by some mad twist of fate, I fell pregnant naturally. I'm due in less than two months and am still not quite over the shock of it. I refused to even test when my blood results for my next FET came back a bit weird - I just assumed I was going through menopause or that I had cancer! So I didn't find out until late (compared to IVF timelines anyway). And I had done everything 'wrong' - I must have ovulated late, I had just started a new job and was very stressed, I had had a lot of boozy weekends with friends and family, not on any meds that I thought were crucial to conceive and keep a pregnancy, so I assumed it was over and maybe even that I had wrecked my one and only chance. And I will have 2 under 2 but had the transfers worked the gap would have been smaller so I can't claim that was unplanned. My doctor did a very good job of calming me down and said natural pregnancies are common after IVF and usually fine as nature selected the best of everything and the right environment, so I clung to that.

I understand the anxiety about donor vs natural but you have plenty of time to think about how you'll broach that, if you do. You'll love them both and the first will know how desperately wanted they were and how hard you had to fight to get them. And maybe try something along the lines of your daughter having taught your body what to do and making you all better, so she helped make her sibling possible?

And the relationship thing? Me and my OH are not in a good place at all and haven't been for a long time, but that's pretty much the same with all the couples we know with young children. And having a baby doesn't magic away all the damage that infertility and IVF inflicts. So we're just existing, enjoying having our little one and watching her grow, and she gives us so much happiness. It doesn't stop the arguments, but more like we're adjusting and finding new ways to make this work as best we can, for now. It may get better, it may not. But all our energy will go to her and and the next one, and maybe we'll last or maybe we won't but somehow I'm OK with that because weirdly I feel stronger and more confident in myself now than I have for a long time.

Try to reframe what's happened - it's actually perfect timing because so much had to be exactly right for it to happen. Everything else will fall into place around it.

[Zeebee14 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Thank you so much for your amazing reply! We do have a lot of similarities in our circumstances don’t we.

It’s been a week since we’ve found out the news and I’m getting more used to the idea but still completely shocked. We were only intimate once since my daughter was born, which makes it even more unbelievable.

I love what you said about telling my daughter that she helped teach my body what to do so she could have a sibling. That’s such a beautiful thought and may even be true!

Our relationship is so up and down, but he’s happy about this baby, it gives us a reason to fight for our relationship, so maybe everything will be ok. Quite a few people in my Nct group are having relationship issues as well, so maybe it is common as you say.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[Fruitandflowers in reply to Zeebee14]

Actually same, think it was the second time for us since my daughter was born and at the 'wrong' time of the month as far as I knew. When I finally gave in to the doctor's suggestion and tested I emailed my result to him as I was feeling so sheepish, like an idiot teenager, and how could I not know when I had monitored my body and symptoms so carefully after transfers. But I'd had what I thought was a light period and i'll be 40 soon so menopause or yet another gynae issue seemed much more likely, and the thought of a natural pregnancy just never entered my head. I have no idea why now and not in the prior 10 years, and why IVF didn't work so many times. But it doesn't matter now I guess.

When you get over the shock I hope you may be able to enjoy it - I was still very anxious and assuming the worst, especially early on, but less so than first time. And I am even going to get some new baby stuff, which I wasn't really able to do last time until about a week before due date (in a panic) as I was so convinced it would all end and irrationally that I could cause that by tempting fate. It's really wonderful and incredible, if mind boggling, and I hope it all goes smoothly x