vaginismus affecting my relationship

[endostudent]

I suffer from endometriosis which starting causing pain during sex a couple months into my relationship which is what actually led to my diagnosis. Eventually I developed vaginismus and it has been difficult ever since. I am now almost 3 years into my relationship and we can hardly ever have sex and I have zero drive at all now so we can’t do much at all. I think it’s been about 4 months since we were able to have penetrative sex. Also, we are long distance so whenever we do see each other for a few days I feel a lot of pressure to have sex and it’s hard. I am seeing a psychosexual therapist and using dilators but I haven’t seen any progress, it may have even gotten worse. My boyfriend has admitted that it does occasionally cross his mind whether he’s doing the right thing staying through this but he believes we can get through it but I said to him what if it never gets better and he said he’d stay with me but I don’t think he was 100% sure. It’s a lot of pressure and he has a very high sex drive so it is so difficult and I’m wondering if it’s possible that it will never improve because I don’t know what that would mean for my relationship. We are both 20 and in uni so 3 years of sexless relationship isn’t easy and there’s probably a long time to go still. I just need advice on how to help and also realistic information on whether it can be permanent or not

[Aurora20]

Hi, I am 27 and I’m going to be honest with you I have never felt pleasure from sex even after my operation, it has always been painful for me and still is. Are you able to do foreplay or is that still too painful? One thing I would say is do not have sex just because you feel like you have to because mentally and emotionally that is causing you damage. There are many other ways to satisfy your partner while your figuring you what steps to take, I would suggest doing that and not penetrative sex for a while and he will have to understand. Relaxing is key and obviously knowing pain is coming makes that difficult and don’t think about him and how you feel bad etc like I said there’s so much other stuff you can do you just need to play around and see what works. Dressing up, toys (for him if it’s too painful for you) oral or just touching him! And communication with him is key!!!! Don’t hide how your feeling be honest at all times never put pressure on yourself or feel guilty. For me it has never got better I hope you get the help you can get and it gets better for you x

[endostudent in reply to Aurora20]

Hi, thank you so much for responding. Did you struggle with lack of libido at all due to the pain? It makes doing anything else really difficult for me and I’m not sure whether I should just push myself to do stuff or not.

[Aurora20 in reply to endostudent]

I struggled a lot with lack of libido, all I could think about was the pain and that just instantly put me off of any sexual feelings. Recently I have got a little better, I still suffer from dryness I don’t know if that’s because of the lack of libido still or just the endo. I don’t want to give you the wrong advice or tell you to do something that is not for you, but I am in a relationship and I do push myself to have sex even if Idon’t feel turned on obviously if I’m really not feeling it or having a flare up then I don’t! But I can deal with the pain now it’s taken me a few years and honestly the only thing that gets me through is knowing that my partner is getting pleasure from it and I can give him that. He knows about the condition I do make him do a lot of foreplay to relax me something if he puts fingers in that hurts me so just on the outside I will get him to touch just slowly.I think you need to take baby steps and start everything again with your partner, look at various positions that will help for me the side to side position works best for me less painful that the others and take it from there but if your not ready and you do push yourself you will end up resenting him and you don’t want that! I’m happy for your to private message me if you wanted to talk privately rather than on here

[PurpleSynesthesia]

Hello lovely,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's definitely a vicious cycle between actual pain and fear of pain isn't it?

Have you noticed particular times of the month where you're in more or less pain? Would be worth taking note & keeping a diary. Also, are you on any contraceptives?

Here's my essay, grab a coffee lol 😅

I get some degree of pain with sex every time - but my husband and I have gotten to a point where I fully trust him & am able to relax - I'm able to get to the stage where pleasure surpasses the pain & I can enjoy my husband just as he wants to enjoy me. Certain positions or off limits & others are good. We have so far had 10 years together to work on our relationship & all aspects of it.

Communication & trust, complete & honest communication & trust are paramount. I can't stress enough.

My hubby told me that if he knew I was faking pleasure in order to physically please him he'd feel horrendous & doesn't want to be someone to force himself on me when he's promised to love & cherish me etc. I used to "bear with it" a lot in the early couple of years but realised that was detrimental to my mental health, the trust in our relationship & the healing of my fear of sex.

We have had our sexual difficulties over the years and he has a high sex drive but we have worked through things together.

Spell out the conditions before any kind of sexual act, like "no penetration unless I initiate," for example. Its good to set no goal to "finish" either. Remove all pressure. (obviously, your BF will probably "need" to finish somehow).

Small mutual sexual touches & words throughout the day, building up to a sexual act of your choosing in the evening can be liberating & sensual - remember, as there's no pressure, there's no fear.

There was actually one night where I'd had some red wine, hubby & I were playing a game together & having some banter, I was ovulating at the time so I was in a lot of pain (TENS machine style) but felt super relaxed sexually & we let things progress naturally. Honestly, it was such a good experience and that kinda set me on the road to relaxing more with sex in general. This was at the time when I was still quite scared of sex.

My hubby & I focus on each other's pleasure & it's quite a turn on to be honest - especially when there's no pressure & complete trust. Sometimes he'll ask if he can go inside & I'll say yes but tell him to go super slowly. From there, we can usually build up my libido & enjoy the time together.

Sometimes it gets too painful because of ovulation or I'm really close to my period, & then I let him know so he can either finish quickly or come out & we'll do something else. He's very good at helping me to finish manually in this scenario - either holding me whilst I finish myself or using his hands etc. The point is, we enjoy making each other feel good & see it through as far as is comfortable.

Our sex is not a thing unto itself on a pedestal, it's more of a celebration of our relationship - two sides of the same coin.

Do you think your lack of libido is partly because of a fear that if you initiate anything sexual, or even go along with your boyfriend's apparent intentions, that it'll end up with agonising penetration? That this fear is overshadowing any thoughts of enjoying any measure of sex? Hence my thoughts about setting conditions.

I don't know if you ever masturbate, but thinking about your BF and imagining it's his hands etc. causing you to feel the pleasure can be really helpful. As a woman, your mind is a powerful sexual tool that can help or hinder, it's yours to master.

These things do take time and whole-hearted commitment from both sides.

I have read about women who have gotten over vaginismus. There was this one couple who had to conceive through IVF purely because of her severe vaginismus but after childbirth it went away & they were able to have sex normally. I've not personally been through vaginismus myself though.

All the best, sorry for the ramble xx

[Rubarb1]

Hi there!Sorry to hear youre going through that. I got married just a year ago and started getting pain 5 months ago now. We had a pretty long honeymoon phase because of lockdown, so it is a bit of an adjustment now. But with open communication, trust and by being creative my hubby and I make it work. I agree with most of the comments here, open communication, trying different positions (try and avoid any position in which you get very deep penetration), foreplay and focussing on the other persons pleasure really help. Also i was wondering if your lack of libido has a hormonal nature. It could very well be that your hormone levels are out of wack and that combined with the pain takes away your sexdrive. Diet can help with this, ive been reading "womancode" by Alisa Vitti and it might help you in some way. Hope you find something that will help you!

[Harriet_health]

Hi oh this is a really difficult thing to be going through. I used to have severe pain with sex but I’m pretty much able to have pain free sex now, so here’s what worked for me and I hope some of it is useful.

1: I saw a pelvic physiotherapist and she gave me pelvic floor vaginal massages to release tension in my vagina (like when you have a knot in your sounder you can get them in your vagina too). She showed me how to self massage and I found doing this before sex even for 5 mins made a big difference to pain.

2: started trying to help my constipation - for me there was a significant link between being constipated and having painful sex, improving my bowels by taking magnesium citrate 400mg a day and drinking hot ginger tea, getting a squaty potty look stool, cutting out inflammatory foods etc I finally after 3 months stopped straining on the toilet! So if constipation is affecting you please look into this

3: working on painful phases of the month and best sex positions. Ok TMI but I found post ovulation I can’t have sex without being in discomfort so we don’t tend to do it then. I also found being on my side like a spooning sex position is really low pain for me. Worst poison is doggy style. Missionary isn’t that great either. So finding a position really makes a big difference for me.

4: keep up the great communication between you and your boyfriend. Communication was really important for us. It’s totally normal to have all the concerns and feelings you have. I had them too!

Wishing you all the best xxx

[Bubble_by]

I've had vaginismus/pelvic floor problems since I was 19 and I was in uni with my then boyfriend too. We didn't have proper sex for about 3 years I think? The relationship eventually fell apart, not because of vaginismus, but more that we grew apart and that he couldn't take ownership of his actions. I'm actually a lot happier without him.

I'm 25 now and I have a diagnosis of endometriosis and hypertonic pelvic floor. I'm now seeing a pelvic floor physio (highly recommend) and a psychosexual counsellor. It's made me realise how much of my issues are psychologically stemmed due to various traumas and I'm gradually starting to work my way through them. It's not easy but I hope it will be worth it to be pain free.

I know it's most definitely frustrating when you are in uni and young, but have faith that it is possible to enjoy pain-free sex.