Zero sex drive / Strain on my relationship / Struggling mentally... Will surgery help?

[Aegh]

Hello fellow warriors

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 ½ years. The whole time we've dated I have struggled with horrendous periods. I have endo. I had surgery for it. I'm awaiting more surgery, due to complications, it's been a long, hard journey (as I'm sure most of our experiences have been) - I'll spare you the details.

I would have such pain during sex that we started trying other positions, other things (oral, different lubes). If we did manage to have sex, I experienced an acid-fire-heat that was so brutal I would involuntarily jump off of the toilet seat it was so sharp, this happened every time I went to the loo, for 4 days afterwards. This happened every time we had sex.

I have now developed a complex around sex and intimacy, I get anxious and anticipate pain, if I manage to build up the courage to try be sexual with my partner and we have to stop - I am met by a waterfall of ice that pummels me into a black hole. So much so I don't have the strength to ride the mental fall anymore. The hit is too hard and I don't have the expendable energy for it. So we have stopped doing anything sexual. The difficulty is the strain it's had on my relationship. I have no sex drive. I have no desire to be intimate. I'm anxious to touch him, because he's now so sexually frustrated the smallest thing turns him on, and then I am met by an overwhelming horny boyfriend (whom I don't want to lead on). I feel extremely guilty for refusing to do anything sexual with him. But he is struggling. I am struggling. And together we are struggling to find a middle-ground.

I'm worried I will eventually have my third surgery and my libido will still be dormant. And the feelings will never re-surface. I have lost the intimacy, romance, passion and sex drive (at least I have as a coping mechanism). However he hasn't. Has anyone else experienced this? Was there anything that you found helpful?

We have read endless articles and communicate every step of the way, but we're now stuck in a rut. Any help is appreciated! Thank you for reading this, x