Effect of endo on sex life, advice welcome!

[Eiddam]

Hi ladies, although intercourse has never been an entirely pleasurable experience for me, it has been manageable (mainly because of the intimacy it creates). Over the last year so, however, it has got to the point where I'm just not interested in putting myself through the pain & emotional roller coaster. I'm concerned that my aversion is now harming my relationship; I've even gone off kissing through fear of where it may lead! I have spoken to my partner but I don't feel as though he properly understands. I feel guilty constantly. Has anyone else been in the same boat? X 

[AnnaB1979]

Hey, firstly stop the guilt, that will be making you feel worse. I know people say the right partner will be patient forever but as lovely as some men can be, their patience does wear thin, I'm sure. Nevertheless, if there are times in the month when you feel less awful, perhaps you could do something sexual but ease yourself in gently rather than go all the way and make yourself upset? I do and it is sometimes a success and seems to surprise my partner when he's given up trying. X 

[Eiddam in reply to AnnaB1979]

Hi Rebecca, thank you for your reply and advice. As horrible as it is that we have to go through this, it is a comfort to know that there are others who know how you feel, when sometimes you can feel very alone. I'll certain give it a go in small steps again & hope for a good outcome! I hope things improve for you too xx

[AnnaB1979 in reply to AnnaB1979]

I hope it all works out for you,  baby steps and make sure you put yourself first. Xx

[ellie_haines]

I'm in the same boat!! Been in a loving relationship for nearly 6 years, had (what I believe is) endometreosis for approx the last 2 years. 

I too avoid kissing/being intimate because I know where it might lead to and that is too painful for me, I hate saying no and we have had many many arguments and upset due to not being able to have intercourse. 

It has literally ruined my sex life - I am only 25!! 

I have no advice but I will be watching this with great interest. xxx

[Eiddam in reply to ellie_haines]

Hi Ellie, thank you for your reply - in the nicest of ways, it is comforting to know that there are other people feeling the same and just maybe we can help each other to find a way to improve our lives for the better! I'm 26 so can complete relate to how you must be feeling. Myself and my partner have been together for around the same sort of time and recently got engaged and I just feel like it would be good to try and sort things out before we get married?! Hopefully you've seen the post above regarding the psychosexual therapist - certainly sounds like it could be a really positive step. Wishing you all the best xx

[Hidden in reply to ellie_haines]

Hi I am currently the same I have also been in a relationship for 6yrs I have been having problems with my insides I have been in & out of hospital I have had every test going they crnt find what it is I go threw fluer ups every other week since July gone with a new symptom were I feel like my insides are on fire also wen I wee 24/7 but no infections. I hvnt been able to have intercourse for months on end sumtimes alot longer and if I do I am in agony for days. The hospital have put me on esmya this has stopped my insides hurting and I can manage to have un painful intercourse but this is a treatment only 3mth at a time I have just finished my 1st course & am currently in agony. I feel like it doesn't matter what they do nothing helps as altho the pain inside as stopped I still get abdomin pain back pain and this intermittent cyctitus which again when flures up I crnt have intercourse. I just thort you may like to mention esmya to your doctor I have 5mg I take it at nite so I don't suffer side effects I get a headache that is the most so far. Thank you 

[MeggH in reply to ellie_haines]

I'm so sorry you've experienced this too! I'm 21 and have the same problem, I fear all and any relationship I have will be the same. Theres no longer such thing as casual sex for me anymore.

[Fmcdonald93 in reply to ellie_haines]

I am 23 and feel 83, I am so relieved to here there are other people in the same boat. I felt so alone in it all. Xx

[Davina-Canning]

This might sound like really strange advice coming from someone who is single but my dad told me: relationships are not about give and take. They are about what you give.

If you are perhaps unable to give him the intimacy he craves perhaps try giving in other ways - cook him a nice meal, randomly buy him his fave chocolate bar, or even a fully clothed massage or go on a nice random date. This then reassures him you are still able to give just in other ways until you're feeling better?

I'm sorry if this advice isn't very good, I really hope things work out for you. Wishing you the best of luck and healing thoughts.

Xxxxxxxx

[Eiddam in reply to Davina-Canning]

Hi Davina, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for your well wishes! I really do appreciate your advice - it's good food for thought xxx

[BlueFlowers]

Similar problem here, although I have found I sex in the evening is much better than in the morning as you can relax more easily. I have found that good music and dimmed lights help too.

[Eiddam in reply to BlueFlowers]

Thank you for the tips! I appreciate you taking the time to reply. You mentioned that you are in a similar situation.. I hope things improve for you & sending positive thoughts your way xx

[Esuhmg12]

Yes same boat! I went to see a psychosexual therapist (my nhs gyno consultant sent me) and it was really the best thing.

Sex is better, it'll never be 100% pain free but at least we CAN be intimate even if it's a snuggle before bed. We'd got to the point where I too avoided kissing and intimacy, the counselling really helped, I would 100% encourage people to think about this option, even if it's a little scary! Xx

[Eiddam]

Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate your advice, knowing that you've been in the same position and have been able to improve things - I'm so pleased to hear it worked for you and your partner. I'd been considering counselling but after numerous visits to the doc/gyno, I didn't feel like I was getting very far with this side of things. I've not heard of a psychosexual therapist but it really sounds as though it could be very beneficial, as I do believe that a lot of it is 'in my head', as well as the obvious physical side of things. I hope things continue to get better for you xx

[Maria36]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that your afraid of intimacy. Although its nice to hear that someone else understands how I feel. I'm single because I'm too afraid to have sex with a partner, I broke down in tears during sex with an ex & it was humiliating so I haven't tried again.

Ive been told that there are other ways to pleasure your partner other than sexual intercourse, such as you and your partner giving each other oral. Also lots of lube and trying out vibrators might help, I'm trying to think of things that are penetrative which you can both enjoy. Ann Summers does loads of non penetrative sex toys for both you and your partner to try if you want.

I don't know if that helps but I hope everything works out.

Best Wishes

X

[MeggH]

Hello,

I'm 21 and feel the exact same way. Its a horrible feeling, sex now scares me because I never know whether it'll hurt and if it doesn't hurt straight away then theres always the chance that afterwards I'll have intense pain for days afterwards. I know my partner loves me but it certainly hurts my relationship and imagine it will hurt any of which follow. And the worst part is the guilt. But you shouldn't feel guilty because there is nothing you can do about it and its not your fault, of course if something causes you pain you're not going to want to do it.

I would love to give you some kind of useful advice but unfortunately all I can do is tell you you're not alone and hope that it helps to know that I know how you feel. I find its so difficult to explain the feeling either to your partner or any friends as its difficult for them to comprehend, so if you ever want to talk about it, just to vent then feel free to message me.

I'm so sorry you feel like this too :/ Hopefully things will get better.