When the guilt kicks in....

[Orchideamono]

I am so unwell that I cannot even function. I video called my brother who is 5 years younger than me when I had a pretty awful flare up last night. He has never seen me this way. I am 30 with a stage 4 endometriosis which I have for the past 18 years. My brother is 5 years younger living 20,000miles from me. I broke his heart seeing me with disabled legs and crying constantly from the pain for 1 hour +. I love my parents and my brother and would love to visit them more often but I just cannot handle the pain. I feel guilty because they grow older year by year and I miss out on a lot but I just cannot even ' be' right now. I feel emotionally, physically and mentally drained from the pain. Cannot take any painkillers in the past 9 years. It's awful...I have 5 good days in a month the rest is just up and down. I am gonna need a 2nd surgery as it's getting worse again. Now I don't know if it's because of my July surgery has gone horribly wrong or it's just growing back maybe both. How do you all feel about not seeing your parents enough but then having such a painful state you cannot even exist?? Thanks x