Partner might leave me for being chronically ill?

[avelvetcrowbar]

Hi there,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this post, mainly just to put it out there and see if there are other people who feel this way or who might be in similar situations.

First off I have a few health conditions that have especially been flaring up at the moment, I am the type to have a moan but mostly I just get on with life and try to function as best I can bar not currently being able to work. (I still do odd commission bits from home) I have Endometriosis, Interstitial Cystitis, PCOS, Fibromyalgia & a hiatal hernia. I had surgery for my Endo in mid December and havent had a hosp admission since bar a hernia flare where I went to a and e but came back because of the 8 hour wait! I've been with my partner for almost 6 months now. He's been mostly great and has a 4 y.o from a previous relationship who I've bonded with great & share taking care duties every weekend. We moved in together quite quickly (he rents my house from my mum who has recently moved) From the get go I made him aware I've been quite sick and o juggle alot of health issues and am trying to get back on my feet. I've had a string of UTIS that have made me quite unwell but mostly I've been carrying on as usual. I also had my 4th lap for Endo mid December just gone but he was v. Supportive & said it didn't bother him. A few weeks back I noticed he was being very odd with me and when I pressed the matter he said that he couldn't deal with me always being unwell and miserable (I think I do pretty well to stay positive considering) after a big row we eventually talked it out and he calmed down and managed to talk it through. I told him during that hes met me at a partic time of my life where I'm trying to get a hold of my health med wise and such but that I can't have someone constantly hold it over my head as it's out of my control. I rarely let it stop me doing anything. I function fairly well with daily life, cooking, washing cleaning, doing commissions as and when I can and feel able. It has since come up again after he spent a whole day not really speaking to me and being very distant, again when pressed he said that he doesn't think he can deal with having a life with someone who's I'll. I tried to explain that they're not critical illnesses, it's just me managing them but it seems hes already played out a whole life scenario in his head and nothing I say can reassure him that hes not just destined to a life of terminally sick person because despite my illnesses being chronic, I usually manage them well. I'm devastated because I feel like I am going to lose someone who I love. I wish he could see past the situations at the moment where I'm having treatment to improve my conditions. I've tried to explain it to him several times from my perspective and I have listened to his. I understand it must not be ideal to have a partner who gets sick alot but at the same time I do feel I function fairly well. I don't ask him to look after me or help me. I do it myself and I've put 100% into bonding with his daughter, moving in together and trying to keep the house in a decent order. I'm also pushing myself to do artwork to make odd bits of money. I'm really struggling because I feel like he lulled me into a false sense of security and acceptance and now he's turning around and using it against me. I feel like a huge burden. I'm torn because part of me wants to convince him that he's making the situation worse than it is but the other part knows that if he really loves me, these things wont be detrimental to out relationship and being with me. I feel so judged and just awful about myself. My family are not always the most supportive and I dont have many friends left due to being unwell over the past few years. Does anyone have any advice? Im feeling very depressed (I'm on anti depressants) but the thought of my partner leaving me is really just plunging me into a black hole. Especially when I really felt I had found the right person to build and spend my life with? Trying my best not to sink into a black hole.

Jordan-Melissa

X

[HellyLlewelly]

Jordan-Melissa,

Im a happily married woman to a man Ive been with 9 years come August.

The fact I have chronic pain has put a massive strain on our relationship. It limits what I can do with my son, with my husband and son and even intimacy.

I have all these years behind me and he took me on and he said those vows "in sickness and in health" yet we still find ourselves stressed and argue over my down phases when Im so sore and poorly I cant give them, the house duties like cooking and cleaning my full attention.

My confidence is at a rock bottom and Im also on antidepressants. Im telling you this because even though I have the security of a marriage, I still feel as insecure as if I were not.

As we privately funded my hysterectomy last March, I feel shame that it hasnt "cured" me. I feel like we wasted 5k on me.

Im being further investigated but Im on NHS waiting lists.

Im depressed at my weight gain and upset another flare up has derailed my exercise efforts.

All I can do is literally hope the next day is at a pain level I can recommence my stretching and core strengthening.

Today I cant and feel nauseous too.

Its sad to say but this guy has started to waiver even before hes put a ring on your finger. My son is disabled so we are under MASSIVE pressures and when my husband is the sole breadwinner and at weekends hes getting heaped with responsibilities Im too sick to cope with. Its a challenge but deep down I dont think he will leave me.

I really think you know deep down if that person is going to accept you with all your flaws...

Really love you so much that you will be taken care of in your time of need...

I dont think you need this held over your head in a 6month relationship.

You have alot going on with your health by the sounds of it, as you say you are working through....

You are trying to find your feet medication wise etc.

I know its an old chestnut but sorry both of you came with holdalls full of bagage (he has the child who you've actually chosen to join in responsiblity for, Im sure hes loving that side of things.

.........

If he cant accept you now and keeps burdening you with his idea that you are "sick and a burden" then maybe your self love and respect will speak up for you.

Good luck with all your health issues.

Can I ask what the symptoms of the hernia are and how you were diagnosed?

Thanks

Helly x

[AllthatGlitters]

I am sorry you are having a hard time and please don’t think that you are doing anything wrong, it’s not your fault you have illnesses and like you said you cope most of the time.

I would say at least you have found out how he feels 6 months down the line, sooner would have been better. If he can’t handle you being ill and needing support then he is certainly not a keeper.

You want someone to love and adore you, look after you, who doesn’t make you feel worse than you already do.

I am married and my husband supports me, That’s what a partnership should be like.

Do you have a close friend you can talk you as well?

Sending you a hug x

[1yearwed18]

Hi Jordan - Melissa,

I too have multiple health problems...Endo, IC, IBS, severe asthma, anxiety/depression.

I know what it's like to feel like a burden on those you love, HOWEVER it is their job to make you realise that you are not a burden and see past the illnesses and just see YOU.

I have been with my husband for almost 7 years and married for almost 2. He is the reason I get through some of my worst times with the support and love he shows me when I feel at rock bottom and unsure of how to cope anymore. He is extremely patient with me (even when sometimes I think he isn't) and knows even when I appear to be having a good day...there is always something going on underneath the exterior and he understands that and so it means I feel he always has my back.

The reason i am telling you all of that is not to 'rub your nose in it' so to speak. But to tell you that you shouldn't have to be made to feel worse by someone you love. And that if he is showing you this attitude/behaviour now, after only 6 months, what will he be like in the future? You deserve so much better and I truly believe however much you love him he is not the right person for you. There is someone else out there who will see past the bad days and the miserable times and just see YOU. They will pick you up when you're at your lowest instead of making you feel even worse about it.

Obviously, I don't know your whole situation but I think you should know that the relationship you're describing is not the sort of relationship you deserve. You are quite clearly a strong person who does her very best to keep a lid on the things that try and stop you living your life and I bet you're a mostly positive person...you need someone who appreciates that. It will be hard, especially since you have bonded so much with his 4 y.o but it'll be much easier to walk away now than further down the line.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy but you have to know your own worth.

Good luck,

Sara

[mod1712]

Hi Avelveltcrowbar

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Just wanted to make you aware that you can contact us on our helpline. Any information you need is here: helplineendometriosis-uk.org/. We also have support groups, find out here if you have a support group near you: endometriosis-uk.org/find-a...

Other resources you may find helpful include the Samaritans, you can ring their helpline on 116123 if you are struggling.

Megan, Endometriosis UK