Struggling with people around me giving birth and being pregnant

[Elm98]

Warning- rant coming! I’m really upset today, like really feeling depressed in the past 48 hours four friends have given birth and although I’m happy for them I can’t help feeling so envious and upset.

Having a family is all I want and while they’re busy going through pregnancy and having babies I’m on wait lists for laparoscopy and being told my doctor not to start trying or getting my hopes up before lap. I don’t feel like my partner understands as he just jokes telling me I’m just super broody when really every time I see a picture of a newborn my heart breaks a little thinking I may never have that. My lap is next week and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t get stressed friends giving birth has just outlined how stressed I actually am about the whole thing. Just seems like everyone we know is either pregnant or giving birth and it makes me so sad because it’s all I want. 😭

[Hazeybabes]

Hi @Elm98, I have had moments too like this. I have been with my husband now for almost 17 years and have never been pregnant, after fibroids and recent diagnosis of severe endo and recto vaginal desease it means getting pregnant for us is still quite far away. Every family gathering I get asked, “when are you having kids?” And told “you would make a great mum!” Heartbreaking. And when all your cousins and even people who have been told they can’t have children are having babies all around you it really pulls at your heart every time! I feel much better since my lap (emotionally) as now I have a plan. I’m waiting for a date for my big op to remove as much endo as possible which will then make way for us to try for baby x if that doesn’t work we will have to consider IVF, hopefully the endo doesn’t come back too quickly xx

Not sure what is worse though, I have some friends who avoid me with their children and then others who I spend lots of time with. I have wouldn’t want anyone to feel guilty because they have something I want xx hated been avoided xx made me feel like something wrong with me lol xx here if you want to chat x hope your lap goes ok next week xx make sure you rest xx

Haze

[Elm98 in reply to Hazeybabes]

Yeah family gatherings can be a tad annoying with everyone asking and not feeling like we can explain. I hope your big op goes well and I’m glad you’re in a better place emotionally. Me and my partner have both said that we will try once we know where I stand as far as the lap goes and wait if anything needs removing to help, we just both want it so much and I don’t want to be the reason he can’t have kids as much as he says it’s not a problem and that we would find ways round it.

[Hazeybabes in reply to Elm98]

My hubby had always said we will find a a way, sure he thinks you can pick one up in Morrison’s though ha ha xx there are some really inspiring stories on here of people who have gone on to have kids xx chin up lady xx

[LouLouT]

I felt the same, when people I know were having baby after baby and I felt this huge hole in my life. When I was diagnosed it amplified that feeling because I also felt fear of the unknown and had so many questions no one could answer. The first thing I've learnt is to be kinder to myself and I often ask myself, "would you say that to a friend?" If the answer is no then why say that to yourself. It's really helped me break the cycle of negative thoughts and find peace in the unknown.

I've also realised that I'm not ready to have a baby right now (as much as I want children of my own). I need to focus on getting myself fit and well and manage this horrible illness the best I can and that takes time. I feel unwell every day of my life at the moment, having a child would only make it worse. I'm putting all of the love and focus I would put in to raising a child and directing it at myself until I'm well enough to try to start a family.

Good luck for your lap and remember to be kind to yourself. I know it's unfair but worrying yourself sick won't change the outcome. Never lose hope 💛

[Elm98 in reply to LouLouT]

Thanks, I often know I have to be kinder to myself but am quite the perfectionist and not great with things not going how planned but I suppose that’s life.

I’m glad you’re focused on yourself and found a good place to be emotionally.

[Annoot]

Hello , I have been in your shoes in terms wanting to get pregnant but what is stopping me was the endometriosis, I think it's quite normal for you to feel the way you are feeling now...I think the support and understanding of your partner would make you feel better...not forgetting that you have endo and you are in constant inner pain that cause stress by itself. But the bright side is the laparoscopy is next week which mean soon all the pain is over after a long wait and usually you are advice to try for baby as soon as you are fit to have intercourse as this gives you a better chance of getting pregnant. It worked with me. Cheer up 🤗

[Elm98 in reply to Annoot]

Thanks, it’s quite a hard place to be but it’s good to have people that understand. I think my partner struggles to understand as he’s so busy trying to make me not worry saying they won’t find anything too bad that when it comes to babies he’s already given that advice and thinks it won’t affect my fertility. I think he tries his hardest but really doesn’t know enough about it to fully understand.

[Hansen82]

I feel your pain I remember being there! I agree with what the other ladies have said , especially LouLouT. You need to focus on getting better, try yoga, the right food, and positive mental attitude! They will all help with ttc.

I personally found it hard when everyone asked us that question (why I will never ask anyone ever). In the end I developed the confidence to say I have Endo, which means we may not be able to.

My husband was supportive, but even he struggled to understand my heartbreak every month. We decided to give up ttc, after only 2 years post lap of trying (and years before diagnosis) got cats to complete our family, booked expensive snowboarding holiday for the following year and then fell pregnant. I'm not wanting to gloat, just showing that it still can happen

That said LouLouT is right becoming a parent means it's even tougher to cope with this incredibly debilitating condition. So I know it's not what you want, but use the time now to focus on yourself, make minimising the conditions impact your number one priority, try focus on what you have rather than what you haven't!

Hugs

[Elm98 in reply to Hansen82]

Oh I’m really glad to hear you got your baby and some nice experiences.

I think for me it’s the possibility of the unknown and I’m a bugger for worrying, but focusing on my health beforehand is a really good idea!

[Hansen82 in reply to Elm98]

I also love control and has life planned out the way I wanted it to work. Learning to accept it may not go the way you planned and to be flexible is hard but worthwhile x

[Tallulah182 Moderator]

Hi Elm, I completely get where you are coming from I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago at 31 and I still get really bad moments especially around mothers day and Christmas where it's all I can think about. My now ex husband was not very supportive and wouldn't talk about it also. I know it's hard but try and stay positive, keep your head up. Maybe try and sit down with your partner and tell him how your feeling about the future etc make him understand it's not just being broody etc. My best advice is talk. Here if you need to chat about anything xxx

[Elm98 in reply to Tallulah182]

Thanks for the advice me and my fella sat down and had a good chat and I had a big fat cry and I think it hit home with him just how worried I am. I honestly couldn’t ask for someone more supportive when it comes to the lap, he’s taking days off and going shopping for things he thinks I’ll need (looks like he thinks Armageddon is coming) and puts up with my snotty face when I start crying haha.

Christmases are extremely hard with little ones running round with excited parents, it really hits me hard then too.

Sending lots of positivity and hugs your way xx

[Fati8451]

Oh I know how you feel! I'm the last week my SIL had a baby, and I've really been struggling to cope with it. It doesn't help that we live together. I can't seem to even look at the baby for longer than a few seconds, let alone hold him. I went clothes shopping for the baby the other day and nearly cried walking around M&S. My other SIL had one a couple months. And I just got news last night about a close family friend giving birth too. Everyone is so happy and trying to involve me but that just feels worse because I feel like they don't see my pain at all.

It's so so hard, and no one can understand your pain unless they've been through it themselves. Even if your OH is supportive, he still cannot fully understand the mixture of pain of endo and grief of infertility.

I think we need to stop expecting others to understand and give us that support that we wish they gave us. That expectation is what makes it so much harder when it's not met. Instead, we should give ourselves strength. Remind ourselves we are on our journeys, and when one day we have our own children they will be our own triumphs. We will be grateful for our children and not complain about how hard it is to be a mother because we know how hard it is not to be a mother. And that will make us better mothers.

We need to remind ourselves about how this condition is making us braver, stronger, more grateful. I never knew that I could wake up on days and be so happy just because I could go for a walk and not be in pain, or I could go out and spend time with friends and not be in pain, or I could go on a road trip and come back without spending 3 days in bed. That may seem like a sad thing, but actually this has made us more grateful human beings, we are more aware of people's feelings and hardships, we don't take our lives for granted.

We are on our own journeys, we must remember that. We will get there one day, but we must focus on ourselves. Otherwise, we will just crash and burn.

We will get there, keep positive! X X

[Elm98 in reply to Fati8451]

Oh I’m really sorry to hear that, it’s so hard to know how to deal with these situations and it can be truly heartbreaking. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way and I hope it gets just a little easier for the both of us. Xx

[Stoice]

We’ve had ‘unexplained infertility’ for five years so I know how you’re feeling.

All tests would came back fine so we tried ivf (one fresh cycle, one frozen) and unfortunately they both failed. Apart from a little ‘ibs’ (and the infertility) I had very few symptoms of endo. I always had painful periods but put that down to it being ‘my normal’ (especially as doctors just say take an ibuprofen and use a hot water bottle). It wasn’t until we started with a new fertility clinic that they spotted kissing ovaries that endo was considered. After a lap last month they found a large chocolate cyst, kissing ovaries, my uterus covered, endo in my POD, and lesions on my bowel and tubes. I also Had a slight complication of them not able to stop some bleeding so they had to open me up, great. I used to be on cerazette before trying, so we think that helped suppress a lot of the endo, but it’s also possible the ivf hormones sent it into overdrive as the previous fertility clinic didn’t spot anything prior to treatment.

Despite the diagnosis and all this surgery to get over I’m actually more positive now, on the infertility front. We have a label, a reason to channel everything towards. When we were ‘unexplained’ the world is just that little bit more unjust. I found myself such a green eyed monster, I’d distanced myself from a few friends who constantly talk of their children, or seemed insensitive but then I felt guilty for thinking such bad thoughts because ultimately - that’s what I want to do, they have what I want. It’s such a twisted mixture of emotions (jealousy, anger, guilt, pity, sadness, worry, helplessness to name a few) but they are all normal- it’s grief. Grieving the loss of something you can’t have.

I’ve had to face three people in my office being pregnant (so that was three baby showers in work time I couldn’t avoid!), two cousins and three friends all pregnant at the same time. Gah! Facebook was terrible so I came off it. Went to Instagram instead - forgetting you can link posts so I see the same pics anyway! It can be very saddening. Sometimes it seems even every tv program or movie has a pregnancy storyline too. It can be very distressing.

I’d love to be able to make it all ok for you (and me) but some days will just creep up on you and smack you round the face. Other days you will cope like a trouper and you should be really proud of yourself because it’s bloody hard.

It helps to talk about it. I actually prefer places like this as you know you will find someone going through something similar.

Sorry if I’ve rambled a bit. It’s my first post on here! Lol.

[Elm98 in reply to Stoice]

No you haven’t rambled at all!

It’s made me feel loads better that I’m not in it alone...I often come into this page for advice because the ladies on here are so helpful and great at not making you feel alone. I’m really glad you have an explanation now and are feeling positive! Xx