I’ve spoken to friends, family and my husband about how I’m feeling, and as lovely as they all are, I just feel empty. I don’t really even think there’s a word for this feeling. Empty is the nearest word.
The situation is this:
I am 30. I do not want to have children. Not a crime. I love kids. I have just always felt that way and I am happy with my decision.
Also, as you can probably guess by the fact I’m posting on the Endo forum, I have suspected diaphragmatic endometriosis and I’m under the GPs supervision at present.
So I have emotionally been through the mill recently. Having thoughts such as “am I ABLE to have kids?” cuz let’s face it, I’d like to work properly.
My issue is: My mother in law is constantly niggling at me about how it would be lovely if I had children.
I feel like there’s something wrong with me when I even consider why I feel like this.
I look at it this way.
If I have endometriosis, that may cause fertility issues. I don’t want pressure from her in case one day, I decide I want them but can’t have them.
At present I’m actually glad I don’t want kids, because that could potentially be saving me the heartache of not being able to have them.
It’s relentless.
She doesn’t give up.
And it’s making me depressed.
Why will she not listen?
Ive read this back and I feel like it makes no sense at all, but at the mo I just need to put this out there.
Any helpful suggestions as to what I can do?
Love and hugs to you all!
X
Written by
Laura2012
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I find this a really personal thing noone should ask anyone this question not just women as men have fertility problems to.
It such a personal question and even my mother in law ( i am 44 and she is 72 and me and her son have been together 27 years ) has never asked me that question... think she has guessed now dogs will have to do her , yes it sad for her but i have never wanted children so i was not goin to do it to please anyone else but i would find it totally offensive if she did.
My own mother has never asked that question and we are Seriously close!
I think u need to put her straight , i get quite offish when people did used to ask , i actually had the women in my local chinese keep asking me ... until i turned around and told her she was “ bloody rude”!
Explain “ i have a illness and i dont know if i can let alone if i will and u keep asking me make me feel i dont really want to” also i dont mean this disrespectfully but my husband would put his mother in place if she ever asked me a question like that and ur should to... it like asking “ oh when ur period? Or are u having sex” it to personal.... she is rude
Hi laura I feel for you as I always get asked about children. I also don’t want children but I am also aware that one day I may wake up and decide differently. Being 37, probably not.
It is really unfair of your mother in law to keep going on at you, you have enough to deal with right now with being ill and It’s not an easy ride having gynaecology issues.
It would seem that society is obsessed with people having kids, it’s a very personal thing between you and your husband and everyone else should stop asking and mind their own bloody business. You can tell this really annoys me.
Regardless if your MIL knows about your condition or not, fair enough if she asked once and you told her the answer but to keep asking, that’s not on. Does your husband support you when she is asking?
Could you text her, it’s often easier to put it in writing and tell her that every time she asks you about children it really upsets you & ask her to STOP ASKING. If she wants more kids tell her to go and have them herself haha!
We all have a right to choose what we want in life and nobody should be putting pressure on you.
I have had the look of something must be wrong with you because you don’t want kids however most people I know do nothing but moan about how their relationship has changed, how broke they are, how they can’t do the things they use to enjoy when single.
Live life how you want to & not how others want you to x
I feel same, never wanted them and have never changed my mind and as a 44 year old i never will!
U either know or u dont !
If at 37 u still dont it wont change aless u get “ the panic clock”’kick in....
I have a friend never wanted them
But she got to 37 And went “ hmmm but il b all On my own when im old” i told her not good enough reason to have kids... she went ahead and got pregnant twice in 2 years and now at 44 she has a 7 and 5 year old and she is absolutely GUTTED!! She says she loves them BUT she wished she had them at 25 as she is to knackered now and she misses her life!!
So never feel pressured by anyone aless they wana use there Virginia to do it ha ha ha
Hi Lulububs yes spot on, it’s not for everyone and you know what, I love my life the way it is. It does get me going when people say it’s because I am selfish. Most people don’t know I have a gynae issues as it’s none of their business. Such a shame for your friend and it’s not often that people admit that they are gutted to have children when older x
I never want it to come across that I hate kids because I don’t. In fact I have very good relationships with the kids I do know - I think we are a similar level to be honest lol.
But it’s so nice to know I’m not alone with it.
The top reasons MIL gave me for having kids are:
My husbands sis wants her kids to have cousins, so I should have them.
She wants my husband to have something he’s always wanted. (FYI...he doesn’t. He’s told me.)
And finally....
She always knew she wanted to be a mother.
So yeh.
Therefore, I should be one.
Following that logic???
I simply want to say...
“The way you feel about HAVING kids, is the same feeling I have about NOT having kids.”
Anyway, thanks for your responses.
I’m seeing her this week, so I’ll see how it all goes.
I love kids , all my friends have them and i have great relationships with them but when i go home im glad im goin home !!!
It really is none of her business and ur husband needs to tell her he is the one not interested to otherwise he is escalating the situation by making it seem like it all u!!!
He need to put his mother straight.
We dont have kids to make OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY??? Or give our blah blah kids to play with that ridiculous!!she has grandchildren already so move on....
I tell u what winds me up it 2018!!!! Women were not put on this earth to just have a litter and breed, we can b anything and do anything we want now if small minded people didnt still put us in that box of “ marry? Children? Die”!!
I have a great husband, i have a great job, great friends, great holidays, money, clothes,anything i want ....
And if that makes me selfish HEY I AM!!! And im having bloody fun being it.
It so sad she makes u feel this way.
Way i see it is she needs to b addressed and u need to tell ur husband to address it as its his mother!!! I would say either u address this nicely or i will and it wont b nice...
That will soon make him sort it.
Then u two can have some breathing time without her harping on and decide urself if u do or dont.
Then that us decision not hers.
Just coz u got endo it doesnt mean it make any diff to ur fertility as there so much they can do now adays so dont worry about that
You and hubby should talk to her together, so you have each other for support. That woman needs to back off. Tell her exactly how you feel and don’t mince your words as it sounds like she doesn’t listen and the only way to make her is to be brutal x
Wow I can’t believe anyone could treat you like this , this is YOUR life , you have to deal with the pain and agony not her. What about your husband why doesn’t he talk to her? If you have told her how you feel and she doesn’t understand you are going to have to ignore her I know that is hard to do but this is not fair to you. I hope things get better.
Dear Laura2012, if your husband is happy with the decision both of you have made, it would be helpful to tell him how his mother is making you feel. It will be easier for him to tell his mum to “back off”, “get out of his marriage and stop making his wife feel this way as he doesn’t like the effect her meddling is having on his wife and marriage”
I’ve been through this scenario and I’m now divorced. I don’t know what it is with the mum-in-laws. They can be relentless and drive you insane. I developed a thick hide and learned not to allow her to push my buttons.
If it comes from him, you can relax and feel less stressed because you know he’s got her on a short leash. Besides if mum-in-law is so hell bent on children, she can (with all due respect) have a few more by herself. These days modern technology can work miracles. With God all things are possible 😁
On the flip side, if you eventually want to have children, you may not be able to so with this horrid devil of Endometriosis. Anyway you’ll always have mum-in-law to be a wonderful surrogate if you ever change your mind. 😂😂
Life, work, marriage and council tax are enough to make you go grey. You don’t need the partridge in the pear tree to finish you off.
PS; Once in a while, block her on your phone for a bit of peace of mind. I’m so naughty..... 😈
He is great. He tells her straight on a regular basis, but she will have a good old “hurt puppy” session and cry and stuff.
What I learned the other day after another dingdong with her (one in which I was straight, but calm) is that he has put up with this nagging mother hen chat for 36 years.
Not only that, but have u ever had a convo with someone who chats and chats and chats then when it’s your go, they turn their head slightly, or notice another person stood near and talk to them, completely cutting you off?? She does that.
It’s even emotionally scarred my husband I believe. When I say he’s shy, he is SHY. Beyond belief. Since being married, he’s developed the confidence to do things he never thought he could. He was majorly depressed before we got together. Felt his life was going nowhere.
Im trying not to blow my own trumpet by saying that, but we have worked on it together and he’s very happy.
So when his mother speaks like this, he reverts back to when he was younger and uses his old coping mechanisms - I.e going into his shell, because he can’t get a word in but not listening.
So I think he actually misses a lot of what she says.
So he’s tried to tell her straight, but she talks right over him.
When he’s doing this, I’m probably listening harder to what she’s saying because I wana be ready for her in case she launches into unfair accusations again. So bless him, he’s just ruined by her.
Not beyond repair tho. I had a chat with him a few days back, and since finding out some other stuff about her, My husband and I need to chat again so we are clear with how to deal with it.
I know this is the case, because with everything else in life, he’s got the courage to take on and deal with.
(I’m very aware I’m on the endo forum, even tho it’s only linked in a small way. I just couldn’t find a suitable chat for this.)
X
Ps. she is also a terrible gossip.
She went mental last week because months ago(!) she phoned my husband and he happened to say we were currently at a friends mums house having bbq.
She put the phone down and went into orbit!
She saved it up and told us last week that “she wa see ally hurt by her son”, because he’s gone to “another mums house and not his own.”
We were there because our “friends mum” had thrown our friend a baby gender reveal party. Its her first kid and I am hugely close to that friend! The audacity!!!
Now enough is enough. It stops or you pull away a bit from interactions with you. She will have been warned, cared for and now need to make her own decisions.Best of luck
Firstly, thank you so much for sharing this; I am in the same boat. I have never wanted children and I thought as I got older this would change but I'm 30 in 2 months and it hasn't.
This is something that has worried me because I've always worried that I will regret my decision later on in life. My husband agrees that children are not for us.
Now on top of that I have just been diagnosed with Endo and now I don't even know if I can have children. In a way, if I can't, I would be relieved that the decision was completely out of my hands. However my mother in law has been pestering my husband and I, not to the extent of yours -mainly because we've recently had an arguement. The argument is a separate storyreally, basically she is an emotionally abusive nightmare to my husband but the night we had the argument she had actually rang me the day after my lap to discuss my husband and was not even remotely interested in the fact I'd just been diagnosed with endo and was in pain. She hasn't put 2 and 2 together and realised we might not be able to have kids.
This has turned into a ramble because I'm on a break at work haha sorry, but please know you totally are not alone. Your decision is between you and your husband and she needs to respect that and respect the fact that your body/health needs to come first right now. At the end of the day you cant have children just because someone else wants you to, that is definitely the wrong reason xx
Your MIL sounds really selfish not even asking you about your condition. Mine isn’t much better. She tells me she is too busy, doesn’t listen to a word you say, I don’t see her often. What is it with MIL’s. Yipeeeee lucky me x 😝
I am so thankful for this post because I thought my MIL was bad but now I know I'm not alone! Mine never fails to surprise me with her new levels of selfishness and b.s. haha. My husband has had a change of career this year and we have been really skint.. she phoned me the night of the argument to talk about his finances with me (!)..i calmly told her a few home truths which have been a long time coming, and literally an hour later she has forgotten the conversation and is phoning my husband to talk about his finances. Never listens.
Sounds like yours is the same as mine! I dunno about you but I find it so hard to not let it get to me! My husband has had 29 yrs of it so he has ignoring her down to a fine art 😂 xx
NOTHING is wrong with you saying, expressing and making a personal decision that you don't want to have children ever, or at this current time in your life.
That is your right as a human being and especially as a woman to decide whether or not you want to bare and raise another human being! Do not feel as though you MUST have a baby/child just because your mother-in-law, husband, doctor, friend, coworker, stranger, government or anyone - even yourself, tells you that just because you're a woman (and are married) that it's a NECESSITY to have a child.
I have met so many women (majority of women in the world) who are pressured into having children to make their: spouse, in-laws, other children, society, friends etc. happy. Your life, is your life - not theirs. They've made their OWN decisions in life (whether they were pressured into things they wanted or not). You are not acting irrationally or crazy or selfish. God gave you a body and a mind and a womb for YOU to choose what you would like to do with it. You have that freedom of choice and that individual right to say, I love you, but this is MY life not yours, this is MY decision. If she says, well what about my son, say that you and your husband will discuss it together, because you two are a unit not you, your husband and her. Just be honest, loving but firm.
You have to set that boundary with her otherwise it will continue to make you feel angry, pressured, upset, depressed and all those negative emotions. If you don't feel comfortable with that, speak with your husband about it, if he is a 'mama's boy' speak to a counsellor about it. Men respond better to facts than emotions, maybe share with him what trying for a baby could mean with your potential endo. & pending surgery; the risks, complications, what it means long term for you in a physical and emotional sense. And explain to him that it causes more strain and stress on you when his mother is constantly nagging you to have children, so that SHE can have happiness in her life (now that is what is actually selfish). That way if the mom still doesn't listen to your feelings your husband can step in and speak with her about how that makes you feel and what how that may/does affect you as a couple.
If you really feel pressured and this is causing you a lot of anxiety and/or depression, I would advise speaking with a trained counsellor (therapist). It has helped me so much through my journey and I know it is beneficial for many people. I recommend this online counselling service if the NHS takes too long and if you want something completely confidential, flexible and mobile betterhelp.com.
Please message me if you'd like because I know that's not easy, but hoping and sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family. : )
I’m 30. I never want kids. I constantly get nagged by people about it. I don’t want children. It’s not gonna happen, there is nothing wrong with that there is nothing wrong with that. It is a valid choice and I will die on that hill for the both of us. I’ve been told by almost everyone I have ever known “you’ll change your mind” I never have, I known from the age of 10 or so that I never wanted children. It’s an utterly valid life choice, but , having endo I go through the same thing, it’s like, not wanting a child, and not being able to have one are two entirely different issues. It’s like I don’t want them by choice, not by force. I found the idea very upsetting for a while, and then realised there are plenty of options if I ended up one day do wanting them.
Your mother in law however, is being out right out of line. I would put my foot down and tell her to stop bringing it up. It’s your life, not hers, why should you have a child because someone else thinks it’s a lovely idea, it’s not a reason to bring a child into the world and it’s utterly selfish on her part. If she is really bothering you, please talk to someone, there are so many confidential lines out there if you need to vent etc, and there’s always here, but know your choices are valid and you should not have to put up with this.
I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but there may be a way to get her to shut her up and relieve your anxiety over fertility issues.
Have you considered having eggs frozen?
You could always say to her politely (in a less formal manner) or even write to her - it's really upsetting me that you keep mentioning me and husband having kids, we have decided together that that is not something that we want right now. I am suffering from a painful condition that poses risks to other organs in my abdominal cavity aside from my reproductive system. I need to concentrate on getting better and taking care of myself and I would be really grateful for your support. We are aware of the risks to fertility and are taking time to talk it through privately, considering options such as egg freezing in the event that we may want children in future. If you could respect our decision as a couple to deal with this privately it would mean so much etc etc.
Obviously if you have endo getting on with having kids sooner is best, but endo is no reason to bring a child into the world that isn't truly wanted. Take the time to deal with your emotions and be good to yourself x
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is a hysterectomy the answer? 
Endometriosis since I was 21
Endo in the rectum 
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