Emotional meltdown and returning to work.

[Starry]

Hey x hope you are all ok today.

I'm due to return to work next Thursday on my phased return 3 and a half months after my excision surgery. I'm nervous about it as still seem to get fatigue easily. Yesterday I had to have an ultrasound in the morning for my abdominal pain and carry on into town ( an hour's drive into a city) and then wait 3 hours to collect my husband from an event which I thought would be a decent dry run.

I was quite overwhelmed by the crowds, noise and business of it all and felt quite anxious. I didn't do much shopping at all and was stressed and exhausted by the time hubby emerged. I hadn't eaten properly (food sensitivities make it a problem) and was so extremely exhausted after driving home that I had a massive anxiety attack trying to cook dinner and ended up in floods of tears having a humomgous complete and utter emotional meltdown abiut how everyone tells me I'm better but I don't actually feel better in myself and how shit every thing is and just going to bed. I slept 11 hours interrupted with multiple reflux esophagitis attacks.

I'd been a little concerned about coping the length of time yesterday and suppose I should have said no, but really hadn't expected it to go so very badly wrong or be so utterly exhausting.

Now I'm even more nervous about Thursday, but don't feel I can really put it off much longer and I do need some form of normality back at some point again.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read through to the end, it's been tough and i just needed to voice this all somewhere.

[VW17]

Hope you feel better soon. Take it easy and rest whenever possible x

[carrie75]

Hello Starry

What a shame, that was a lot for you in one day but you were brave in getting out there and doing more than you'd been used to recently.

I know how you feel. I've only been off a few weeks and am due to go back to work next week but have been getting a whole lot of anxiety about it.

Work will be mindful of everything you've been through also and that you are still recovering - that first day back can often be just getting logged back into your systems again and slowly catching up on things, lots of breaks and as it approaches home time, you feel good that you made it through the day and are ready to go home now and get your feet up.

I get what you're saying about everyone expecting you to be better. I'm in the same boat. You know your limits just now though and it might take a bit longer of having to say to folk 'look I'm still recovering and I'm feeling wiped out much more easily just now' for them to fully realise.

It feels daunting getting back out there, but I think once we're through the first day, it'll start to get easier. I'm trying to plan lots of early nights and easy dinners next week so I don't use up whatever scraps of energy I've got left after work. Fingers crossed it all goes to plan. Take care and take it easy X X X X

[Starry in reply to carrie75]

Thanks Carrie. I guess I never thought recovery would take so long and be so hard, though a few people have said it can take 6 months after extensive surgery.

I hope your return goes smoothly xxxx

[shazzy93]

Just wanted to say all you can do my lovely is try. No one but you knows how to walk in your shoes so bolloc*s to them who attempt to tell you how you should be feeling.

I’m still awaiting my op - 17 months so far and live in hope that all comes good but also stories like yours show the realities of it all.

Much love sent to you and you know , just keep being kind to you. Maybe going back to this job is wrong for you. Maybe you need to step away and then keep the feelers out for a little job and when you have gained a bit more confidence and feel you can cope more, look for more hours if needed.

I truly believe that the mental side of this disease is totally overlooked. The years of being told “it’s all in your head” and then having to fight, fight, fight takes its toll and that added to the emotional turmoil we face through having our own partners, at times be unsupportive/disbelieving, well it’s just too much.

Take care sweetheart 🌸🌸🌻

[Starry]

Thank you shazzy xx I'm so sorry its taken you so long to get your surgery.

I do have to remind myself that my back pain is better, my bowel is safe from infiltration and I have less brain fog. So there were significant benefits as well as costs to having had the surgery.

But you are so right about the mental and emotional side of things. Its been unbelievably stressful. I definitely came out of the op and meningitis with worsened anxiety and have developed full on depression since my last complication which affects eating so is hugely disruptive and causing stress with my partner after a long year 18 months of stress for us both already.

I am better in so far as I am not just out of hospital and weak as a kitten, but I worry chronic fatigue is not really much better than before if this trip was anything to go by and perhaps that is down to the stress and depression.

Only time will tell I guess.

[Ugne]

Hi Starry,

I've been in your shoes years ago working in busy central London. Would it be possible for you to work from home for a while? Alternatively, maybe its worth thinking about options for you to run your own business? I'd at least try and brainstorm on a paper, what skills/experience i have and see what i could give a try with.

Take care x

Ugne

[Starry in reply to Ugne]

Thank you ugne, the jury is very much out on corporate job now and I will have to see how I go. I've mulled over qualifying as a nutritional therapist or counselling which would mean I could work from home but I'd need to pay off the mortgage and save course fees so not a short term solution.

My work is pretty flexible about home working and being good about phasing my return so I'm going to aim to be 50% from home from now on.