Effect on friendships?

Have other people had friendships end or change because the friend showed little interest or understanding of what you were going through?

I think it's because she's never had any health issues of her own but my oldest friend has surprised me. She chooses to ignore anything to do with my health issues and expects me to carry on as if nothing's wrong.

I'm finally having a diagnostic laparoscopy next week and she hasn't offered any support other that to say it sounds awful. Instead she is putting pressure on me to agree a date for a group holiday next month. Despite me explaining that I'm not well enough to go and don't know what the outcome of the lap will be she continues to want to arrange social events. If I can't go away next month then we'll book it for later in the year, or go to spa, or afternoon tea. It's as if she just doesn't understand or isn't interested that I can't and don't want to do anything at the moment because I'm in pain. I also have to have another unrelated surgery next month that might end up with a 12 week recovery so that makes things even more complicated

She did the same thing last year and kept pushing for me to arrange a night out for my birthday. Even when I explained that I wasn't well enough she organised something behind my back and her only response after a traumatic trip to A&E was 'ew, Gross!' She's a grown married woman!

On top of all of this we went on holiday last year and she was clearly annoyed that I couldn't do all the things she wanted because I was suffering horrible pelvic pain. I spent a lot of it on my own because I couldn't stay out drinking all night and sleep all day.

It just makes me sad. Other friends, family and colleagues have been brilliant but she's meant to be my closest friend. She's not a bad person but she just doesn't seem to get it. Sorry for the long post but it's just stressing me out when I'm already stressed about my surgery on Monday.

9 Replies

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  • I think people change over time, and when we get sick the true friends come through. Yes I understand she was your closest friend but now she's clearly doesn't understand even if your trying to explain yourself. It's time to move on, some people just don't understand and never will.

    I used to have 30 friends now I have 3 because I got sick.

  • It's when times get tough you find out who your true friends are and who are fair weather goodtime friends. Sometimes someone surprisingly comes out of the woodwork and sometimes someone you though you could completely rely on vanishes.

    I've very few friends and not one has visited me since I was sick, though a few have stuck by me on text and fb. It was always me visiting them. One person from school I'd not talked to in 7 years came out of the woodwork who also has chronic health issues and our friendship has rekindled.

    It is an extremely isolating disease even though I am married. Unless you live with these symptoms it's impossible to understand.

  • In good times your friends get to know who you are.

    In bad times you get to know who your friends are.

  • It sounds like we have all experienced the highs and lows of friendships with friends. I have lost some and much of this was when they were getting married and having a baby. Some had some pain during pregnancy and spoke to me about it and I said funny I get that pain all the time but no baby at the end... But the same has happened, you see who deserves your time and who doesn't.

    I tried emailing one friend about how things were but that didn't go well at all. One friend just ignored me completely when I sent birthday cards etc when trying to patch things up.

    Embrace the friends that make you feel good and don't put pressure on you. Self indulgence is ok!

  • I feel your pain. I went from having lots of friends in school and college to literally none in a week. I got engaged, dropped out of uni and got diagnosed all at the same time and i was getting messages off people I rarely spoke to calling me abusive and saying I was attention seeking, and slowly everyone drifted away and the only real friend I have is my fiance, and even then we rarely talk because of work commitments. It's really lonely but you just gotta keep going through it I guess, if someone won't support you then they're really not worth keeping around anyway x

  • I'd say let her go and do her own thing. Sounds like ur drifting apart.

    I've a friend who I've known since high school and we're always close. Until I couldn't keep up wit doing activities and such due to endo. Now we just chat on the phone once in a while. I think it's one of those friendships that either needs a break or will just fizzle out. But I'm not worried. Cause I've met new people and different people. And not everyone wants tounderstand that ur ill or not able to keep up.

    As long as u feel uve been a gd person in urself that's Wat matters.

    also depending on wat meds ur taking u could b over thinking things a bit.

    Wish u all the best wit ur laposcopy.

  • Hey sweetie.

    I'm so sorry that your friend is lacking sympathy for you and understanding. :(

    It's so hard because it's an invisible disease. My family and partner still struggle to understand what i'm going through. I decided to take my Fiance and my friend to my hospital appointments so they get a better understanding. I know how you feel when nobody wants to listen to you and you have to deal with everything on your own. I'm here if you need a chat hunni.

    Big hugs xx

  • I have gone through this exact same thing. It's awful and I'm so sorry. I hope you find a bestie who loves you as you are Xxx

  • Sorry for the delay in replying. I'm a bit emotional after my surgery so all the lovely responses have nearly set me off! It's sad that so many people have lost friendships as a result

    I haven't had much of a chance to give it much more thought. Had my lap yesterday morning. They found endo on both ovaries, ligaments, back of my womb, pelvic lining and very close to my bowel. The surgeon says they burnt off what they could see but I need an MRI to rule out any deeper infiltration especially because of how near my bowel it was.

    I was first on the list for surgery and was so happy because I thought I'd be home by the afternoon. How wrong I was, I went into urinary retention and had to be Catheterised! Not what I planned but hopefully I'll be home today!

    Sounds mad but I'm actually glad they found something and I'm not going mad!

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