I don't even know where to start. This is too sensitive for FB but badly need some support....
I was meant to go see the bowel surgeon today and have a sigmoidscopy. After freaking out about the sigmoidoscopy i called the secretary, said I was worried and he agreed via the secretary that I didn't have to have it, on which basis I agreed to show up.
But I was absolutely in a state of panic when I got there as a manual exam was still meant to happen. He was nice but could tell I was not right as I wasnt answering questions. I broke down, he got a nurse and left the room to give me space and I had to confess with my husband there that I was struggling because in my last marriage I was raped in the rear passage and the pain of it was so extremely bad that I was panicking about coping with any procedure there.
He came up with solution of having a GA as he said sedative wouldn't work in my position or winging the potential op with no pre investigation or I could not have op.
I have to decide tomorrow whether to do a (now flexible) sigmoidscopy on Saturday or wait until the new year. Or bail on the whole damn thing.
Home now in state of emotional and physical collapse. Despite needing maximum morphine when I had the lap last week I had refused the anal pain relief suppository. Only today did I put two and two together and work out that its due to the trauma memory of this past incident.
Husband keeps wanting to push on asap all the time but I just don't know any more why I am even putting myself through this just for one (admittedly big ) nodule in the RV septum. Maybe it can just stay there. What's a bit of dyspareunia vs a potential bowel resection??!!
Don't know what to do or how to cope anymore.
Delaying means a month or so of knowing its coming or dilemmaing about whether to do it, or both.
Don't want to let my endo surgeon down but this next step really hasn't been fully talked through; I just got told I had to see the guy and a stern look with words inferring along lines of not having the op isn't an option. Nobody has said what the risk is of doing nothing, it's just assumed the bowel op plan is next. Why can't I just stop now??