Relationship strain

[becca97]

Morning ladies.

I'm struggling. I've noticed that living with chronic pain conditions has put a serious strain on my relationship and I'm petrified that we won't be able to work through it.

Please please PLEASE give me any advice that you have!

[Tboag]

Hi, it does put an awful strain on any relationship, unfortunately we do take our moods out on the person closest to us, and a loved one watching us feel I'll and in pain is very draining, not to mention the added pressure of chores and financial stress, all we can do is try to keep talking to each otger, arrange something that you both enjoy and you can cope with, and just try to be kind to each other

[Hcatterall]

Hi Becca

I remember those days very well, it nearly broke us, but we are now happier and closer than ever. I invest a lot in my wellbeing, I have a counsellor I see weekly and a group pt gym membership and the combination have improved my wellbeing and relationship so much I can't express in words. I think the key was being able to talk through how the pain made me feel and act and also explaining that when I acted irrationally and often 'crazy' (how my partner used to describe me) that I wasn't doing it deliberately or to start a row and that I needed him to not fight against me but help me. It took time but slowly we both began to be able to acknowledge these outbursts and deal accordingly with it. Often me going and having a lay down to think. My partner is amazing and has learnt to phrase things differently and work with me to help me in the dark times, he is amazing but it takes time and hard work initially. I wish you all the look, tell your partner how much you love them, daily, I'm sure you can work through it together x

[emmalouise1992]

Hi I had this problem when diagnosed last year I'm in constant pain most days and am unable to work alot of the time talk to him he's probably just as scared as you are doessential he go to your appointments? If not try and go together so he gets an understanding of what your going through I live with my boyfriend and he has to care for me alot and we didn't talk for months after my surgery as he thought it wasn't serious and I was being lazy but as soon as I sat him down at one of my appointments I realise he was scared he didn't realise what my condition was or how it would effect me you have to talk other wise he won't know what your feeling or going through trust me you'll both get through this xx

[Pinklady123]

Ive also been worried about this as I have been a complete mess for the past couple of months and my husband has had to put up with me crying a lot of the time and feeling really down and negative. I think it has been really important for us to keep talking to each other and letting each other know how we are feeling. Keep talking to your other half and explain your concerns, it's best to talk it through I think. Xx

[merlin19]

Hi,

I am sorry that you are suffering, and also having relationship problems. I too have been through this, but managed to come out the other side. Me and my partner used to really struggle and nearly broke up a few years ago, I think a near break up was the shock to the system we need to know things had to change. Since then my symptoms have got worse but we cope better and the main advice I can give you is to be really honest with what's going on with you so that they can get their head around why you feel like you do. Also, listen to how they feel about it too. I found that my partner had stopped feeling appreciated because I was so withdrawn and focused on how I was feeling, and by listening and doing things to show the love and appreciation was still there when I was able it meant that when I wasn't up to much it didn't matter, he understood and didn't take it personally. I hope this is helpful to you, am happy to answer any specific questions you might have about your/my situation if this would help.

Best of luck xx

[Devils_Advocate]

My relationship also suffered due to my illness, but we are coming through it. I think the illness takes such a toll on you physically and emotionally that it is understandable.

Honestly, I found communication is key. I overuse 'I'm fine' even when I clearly was not. This lead to crossed wires - him organising things/trying to be romantic etc when I couldn't do it. This lead to resentment on both our behalves.

Also, bottling things up never helped, other than made me quick tempered and frustrated. Instead talking about how I was, hospital appointments etc made it easier.

Take time to have fun when you can, remind yourself why you love each other. We try to do things together - cinema, meals, the park, anything.

Also, make sure he looks after himself. We have agreed to start pursuing our hobbies/interests more. I wanted him to have time to do what he likes.

I think trying to see it from his point of view was my biggest hurdle. I just saw my constant pain/tests/surgery. I didn't realise how distant I had become. How it effected him watching me struggle and sitting by my bedside in hospital day after day.

I am sure you can work through it, good luck

Dx