[Male asking] Very serious (Endo) relationship advise required from you all please!

[guythatneedshelp]

(Warning: very sensitive post upcoming - I really need help and would appreciate your time to read and respond)

Hello,

I am a male in my early 20s. I have been engaged for coming up to a 8 months or so now and am due to get married in a couple of months, however, two days ago my amazing fiance told me that she has been diagnosed with Stage 3 Endometriosis. I didn't understand what it was at first. She mentioned that she had a two cysts in her stomach that burst last year and she had lap (key-hole) surgery to get them cleaned up and removed...however, she still has one left.

The consultant said she requires another surgery to get it removed however due to our marriage date being too close to it, she has decided to post pone the surgery until after the marriage.

When I read up about Endometriosis I came across many articles regarding fertility, sex life, pain etc and to be honest I've been quite shocked and really weird as I dont know how to react. I'm sure i'm overthinking it all but I really can't put my mind at ease after reading everything online about it. It has affected our relationship massively in the past few days as I don't know how to react, although i've tried to be as sensitive possible to her which she appreciates.

My fiance is currently on the pill which has caused her heavy bleeding to stop, and has said that once she comes off the pill in two months or so everything should be a better, however she has still said that surgery is definitely required to remove the remaining cyst.

Now, the honest truth is that we are both adherents to a religion and believe in not having sex before marriage. In other words, we are both virgins and have spoken openly about how our sex life will be post marriage. Ofcourse, naturally she will be as optimistic as possible, however, I wanted some real life stories and experiences from you all please as this is going to effect our decision.

A few questions:

1) How often does sexual intercourse hurt for women on Endo? Does it effect the majority of women, or is it subjective?

2) How serious/common is the fertility issue?

3) Once the surgery has been done, and the remaining cyst removed is it possible for the Endo to return? Has this ever happened to you?

She saw a consultant last week who gave her advise to speak to me before going ahead with the marriage as he believed it can effect our life post marriage, hence she told me and since then I have been really confused and upset regarding this whole situation. I understand that it is horrible for her and everyone else suffering from it and pray that a miracle happens to everyone.

I would really appreciate if you could provide me with some advise based on your experiences as this is a massive thing for me.

Thank you very much. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

[Holleymuzz]

Hi.

Can I ask. Do you love her? I understand your religious and therefore would take marriage very seriously yes? So you would say the words in sickness and health?

The truth is that endometriosis effect women differently. Some women lead a healthy sex life and have stage 5 endometriosis. Other women have been diagnosed with stage 1 and can’t have sex due to pain during or the pain afterwards that can last days. No one can tell you what it’s going to be like or wether you as a male with be satisfied sexually. However what I can tell you is women like/want/crave sex as much as any man. What I can also tell you is... in truth of it all what you really need to be asking yourself is can you be there for her through the pain? Can you support her through the hell on earth that is endometriosis?

[guythatneedshelp in reply to Holleymuzz]

Hi, thank you for your response. To be honest...I love her as a person, but am not *in* love with her just yet. It's a bit strange as due to our religious practise, we almost fall *in* love after marriage. Yes marriage is something that is very serious and we would say the words in sickness and in health. Divorce is the most hated thing to us so we would have to do everything in our capacity to make it work.

I really appreciate your honesty but for me it's a big "what if..." on either side of the spectrum i.e i just dont know what will happen or if she will have pain... and it feels like a big risk to be honest as harsh as that sounds.

Once I'm married I would do everything in my capacity to support her through her illness and would like to make her feel as comfortable as possible, but without sounding selfish, I dont know how it would effect me mentally knowing that I can not approach my wife due to her pain etc...

Really confused.

[luthien]

Hi,

Wow, love your post, your openness, and your confidence to say your story on here, plus ask for advice !!

You've clearly been through a lot together, not just this, I mean life in general to get to where you are now, your relationship is deeper than any health issue, that is shown by your commitment to each other during your engagement and it's strengthening when you are married. For the moment while you're both dealing with decisions, choices, thoughts, feelings, focus on what you have together; your closeness, the interests you share, don't lose that in all that you're going through, keep remembering what you are as couple and remind each other every now and then

Future thinking it may be worth if you can to see if you can both go along to your fiancée's doctor's appointment, if she's happy with it. My hubby found it amazing to go along to mine, as he could see what's discussed, what I mention, how I feel and what was important to me in terms of symptoms and treatment. My specialist took the time to talk to him about how he sees things, his worries, his questions, and suggested ways he could help me plus things for us to talk about. Endometriosis isn't something only women should know about, as you've found it affects your relationship; most partners are left in the dark or it's hidden from them because we feel you shouldn't know or wouldn't want to know as it's a "women's problem" - that's partly the way we've been told about the menstrual cycle. We need to realise our partners need help and support too, in order to help us.

You'll need to talk with your fiancée about what her plans are for treatment of endometriosis both short term and long term as this may impact your future plans; she may have felt she needed to carry the burden of this and make all those decisions herself previously, you're together so it's now joint decisions. Your marriage has a vow, as does ours (it can be edited out) which means we'll stay together and work through this whatever path it takes.

Sex is an interesting one. You'll each have different expectations and different thoughts / views on the topic; to do with concerns and just generally what you've been told / read / overheard. The main thing is make it loving, don't focus on the sex; and it doesn't have to be on your wedding night, unless religion calls for it and evidence is needed - such as my parents with staining of the bedsheets to be presented to the mother in law. It's your new life together a new chapter, so start it by getting to know each other on a new level, spend time see what feels nice, what works, what doesn't, any foreplay you're both comfortable with, lead up to it but slowly, this could even be over a few weeks. There may be some symptoms / pain your fiancée gets leading up to sex that means she knows to stop, you'll need to communicate with that. Above all you need to learn to trust each other, talk and work out what she can say to stop things if things hurt, so you know she's not going to just "bear it", which some women do because they feel their partner "needs it", so you can trust her to let you know. Be prepared that sex may not happen for a few weeks or months because she's worried she'll hurt or won't be able to do her "duty" post marriage, as most religions expect. Of course you'll worry you'll hurt her, but remember it's not you directly.

Fertility issues depend very much on where the endometriosis is, and whether it's causing irregular cycles. If you're both concerned, then you could look at fertility clinics, to check you both out, yes men do have problems too. They'll look into physical, hormonal, mental and dietary issues, and are more specialised than a GP.

Surgery will remove visible endometriosis, however as it's at a cellular level there will always be some remaining. The amount or rate it regrows varies from woman to woman and type of treatment they've had. It can also regrow at a different rate to before or display different symptoms, that's why it's so annoying. The most effective surgery is excision where they remove the endometriosis and some surrounding healthy tissue - with the aim of getting as much as possible. Hormones like the contraceptive pill do reduce symptoms of endometriosis and do effectively make it dormant, however all the symptoms will come back after coming off it. So it may be an idea to think about, if the pill is helping staying on it for a bit longer after you're married while you get to know each other sexually. Pregnancy can but not often help reduce symptoms of endometriosis but quite often it comes back pretty quickly after birth so is often suggested after surgery so there's more time between birth and needing treatment.

I know it's a lot of information, hopefully some of it helps xx

We've had some very long chats with my specialist

[guythatneedshelp in reply to luthien]

Hi,

Thank you very much for all of that information... It has honestly helped me understand the condition a lot better and will definitely aid in my peace of mind...

Yes I have already suggested that we see a consultant together soon as I believe it will help us both come to terms with it a lot better. I think she is really worried that the consultant might say something that will 'put me off' from marrying her... I feel terrible that I am in this position as it is something out of her control but I really dont know how to deal with the fact that endo *may* continue for the rest of her life.

As for the sex I appreciate your honesty... it is not a requirement for it to have straight after marriage so that's not a problem... I dont know how else to describe how i'm feeling without sounding inconsiderate to my fiancee or selfish but for me (and her respectively) it is a question of the rest of our lives...

Thanks again for your lengthy response I really appreciate it!

[CJessicaD]

I have stage 3 endometriosis and was told after my surgery to remove the endometriosis, that my ovaries and tubes are healthy and normal size and my fertility should not be effected. I think every woman is different

[Christin_a]

Hello

I think you need to figure out if you think you can handle the worse case scenario as it effects everyone differently. So unfortunately there's no saying what effect this will specifically have on your fiancee, in terms of reoccurance, pain, sex, fertility or anything else. I'm currently awaiting a diagnosis and I'm trying to plan for the worst and hope for the best so that I'm somewhat prepared for whatever the outcome is.