Tried to get an early night last night, and cut down on the co-codamol. Ended up watching Family Guy til 4am after multiple attempts to sleep.. I feel like I’m wasting my life away, feel like I’m a shadow of my former self. I see my friends going on holidays and finishing their degrees and doing phd’s and starting families and I’m just in this kind of big, empty void. And at night when I’m tossing and turning in bed trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in (there really isn’t one) I have all these thoughts running through my head. What can I do to help myself? Is the pain really that bad? Do I just need to man up and get on with things? If its not endo then seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe it is just all in my head, is it? Pretty sure my back pain is real. How can I just imagine pain? I have repeated conversations with people in my head like doctors, family members, my Masters supervisor. Like I’m trying to explain that one day I can look fine, and act fine but the next week I don’t leave the house cause I’m dosed up on painkillers in bed with two (yes two, try it, it’s the epitome of luxury) hot water bottles. I’ve said I will go to the pub quiz with my friends this week but now I feel guilty about it. Surely if I was that ill then I wouldn’t be able to do that…but I haven’t left the house in 4 days, I need something to look forward to, something to do. Some tiny little bit of light relief in this huge, dark void I’ve found myself in.
*upon reflection this post sounds incredibly depressing. Sorry. I’m guess I’m just wondering if other people experience the same thoughts at night whilst trying to sleep .
# background, suspected endo waiting lap