4AM thoughts

Tried to get an early night last night, and cut down on the co-codamol. Ended up watching Family Guy til 4am after multiple attempts to sleep.. I feel like I’m wasting my life away, feel like I’m a shadow of my former self. I see my friends going on holidays and finishing their degrees and doing phd’s and starting families and I’m just in this kind of big, empty void. And at night when I’m tossing and turning in bed trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in (there really isn’t one) I have all these thoughts running through my head. What can I do to help myself? Is the pain really that bad? Do I just need to man up and get on with things? If its not endo then seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe it is just all in my head, is it? Pretty sure my back pain is real. How can I just imagine pain? I have repeated conversations with people in my head like doctors, family members, my Masters supervisor. Like I’m trying to explain that one day I can look fine, and act fine but the next week I don’t leave the house cause I’m dosed up on painkillers in bed with two (yes two, try it, it’s the epitome of luxury) hot water bottles. I’ve said I will go to the pub quiz with my friends this week but now I feel guilty about it. Surely if I was that ill then I wouldn’t be able to do that…but I haven’t left the house in 4 days, I need something to look forward to, something to do. Some tiny little bit of light relief in this huge, dark void I’ve found myself in.

*upon reflection this post sounds incredibly depressing. Sorry. I’m guess I’m just wondering if other people experience the same thoughts at night whilst trying to sleep .

# background, suspected endo waiting lap

5 Replies

  • I think we all have nights or days like this, I think regularly to myself man up get out their and live, then the niggles and aches turn in to pain and tears and there's no way I can go to work or that Friday night party or lunch with a girl friend, I rearrange regularly, or just say maybe now days, BUT we have to be leave that things will get better, I will go to the ball, lol, one day, hope your feeling a little more positive, and have managed some sleep, good luck with your laparoscopy, fingers crossed they will give you some answers and sort you out, ready for the next chapter in your future xxx

  • hi tboag. Thanks for the reply :) Haha yep one day i hope to go the ball.  Feeling better now. Was miserable yesterday til i started trying to find the positives and not focus on the negative. Sometimes I find it hard just to say 'you know this is where I am right now, its not great but it is what is'. and just accept the way things are. And I tend to blame myself for feeling ill. which is ridiculous. 

  • Hi Larrie7, I too have many nights like yours with the same thoughts.  Lying down /turning over down in bed is one of the most painful times for me.  I  think it is a different mental battle than in the day.  Being in the dark and alone (my partner more often than not sleeps next door) don't make a great combination for coping with the pain. 

    Have you tried listening to audio books/dramas? The bbc iPlayer has loads of downloads available.  I listen on my tablet in bed every night and wouldn't be without it,  they are a good distraction and can often help send me back off to sleep. 

    Sorry not a ground breaking idea for those bleak times in the night,  but maybe another tool in your armoury! Also to know you are not alone... 

    Best wishes xx

  • didn't sleep til 5am this morning, why are the nights so bad? i've tried every position to sleep in and none are comfortable. lol. its nice feeling i'm not alone so thanks. Think in the day you have things to take your mind off it but at night you're much more aware of the pain. I've been watching family guy on my laptop and put it on the bedside table and eventually manage to sleep. I have netflix too. Couldn't live without it.  I also do a counting thing where I count backwards from 1000 in my head. 

  • Sorry you had another bad night.  It is definitely harder at night when you're kind of just laid in the pain.  I also find I use up all my pain relief to get through the day and then have nothing left for the times I wake during the night. Hope you don't have to wait too long for the lap x

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