One in Ten

One in Ten

The darkness consumes me, the mirror shows a person I don't recognise, and I don't know who I'm gonna be today. As I drink down the poison from the chalice that is trying to repair me I can't recall the last time I was Kelly, the happy go-lucky person who sees the best in everyone. She's a person I like, its her nature to nurture and everybody she meets likes her too. The new Kelly is far removed from that girl, she's paranoid, fearful and flinches at human contact. She feels hate in her heart, in a heart that was pure and beautiful, its now a swinging brick cast into shadow by the thoughts that plague her brain. She's suspicious of everyone and everything, questions have no answers and she is horrible! Her eyes clouded with tears she wants solitude, the old Kelly hated silence, she loved a cuddle and she would do just about anything without question just to see a smile on the face of the people she loves. Brickwalls are in place nobody gets close anymore she simply doesn't care about anything! Words escape me, I can't explain the sorrow I feel, there are no words that provide a real genuine insight into my emotional state, I feel justification can't be made for the way I act, the things I say, the meltdown of my mind. I can't count how many times I've thought I would be better off dead, suicide, the old Kelly loved life, she loved people, she was happy. I don't recall what happy feels like now, she would never have even said that word 'suicide' it was a word she hated with a passion, its the cowards way out, she was brave and strong and had courage in buckets. Depression has effectively killed that girl she's a person I don't think is there anymore. The tears flow for the person I was I mourn the loss of my former self, if I could I'd climb out of this pain riddled body and be a whole new person but I can't, I'm trapped and my identity is unknown, I feel like a fraud, I'm not her I stole her identity and nobody noticed, if they did they walked away, it wasn't something I recognised at the time, but in my moments of clarity it was obvious they just didn't care! How do you find peace with a person you hate when that person is yourself? My eyes are clouded with unshed tears I just swallow down and pretend they don't exist, my mind is mousse it cannot function the way it used to, sly comments about how 'stupid' I am crushes the little spirit I had left. I honestly never knew how much my ovaries define me as a woman, facing the future with the prospect of them going absolutely kills me, all I've ever wanted is to be a Mum, that's probably not gonna happen and my soul is destroyed, a soul I don't feel belongs to me, the person I've become will rot in hell and souls are beautiful they belong in heaven. I can't tell you how this happened, but I do know the cause of it, Endometriosis has ruined my life, smashed my dreams to bits, I am a lonely, sad, shadow of my former self. My words are lost when the clarity passes, and I search for a being I'm happy to be. Until I find that I doubt anything could stem my tears flowing freely. With my best friend at my side I'm soothed she makes life bareable and she strengthens the bond between my and her Daddy and look at those eyes she needs a happy Mammy and until that happens she'll sit at my side and dry my tears and listen to every silly thing I say. She will be my saviour, she's the baby and she knows it. Whatever person that greets the world she is a constant and she never discriminates she loves every side of me and for that I have a reason to smile through the tears xx

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  • xnanookx, That was like reading a poem, like a very long haiku.  Thank you for sharing it with me.  It is a beautiful piece of writing even if the subject is so bleak.  I held my breath while reading it.  I wish I could send you a basket of hugs but the medium isn't up to it.  I will think of you throughout my day and send best wishes through the ether.  I hope you get them.  Keep going, it must get better, because we do learn to live with horrible conditions and learn how to manage them and ourselves.  Thinking of you.

    Venus

  • Thanks Venus a metaphorical hug is well received xx

  • What a wonderful writer you are, I do understand, I feel like this too, a person living on the outside of our own lives, trying to paint on a smile but nearly remembering how it actually feels to smile, my son is my saviours ATM, he asks me frequently, "how are you feeling" sometimes because he just wants his old mum back but more often that not because of the worry I cause him daily, please stay strong, we all need to and just keep hoping things will improve, sending you all the well wishes I can, and I hope you find the strength to keep fighting, xxx

  • Aww hun, its such a special bond you have with your son, you've raised him well :) you've given me strength and made me smile a genuine smile, its been a while xx

  • Just a thought!  Hope you both have had some help from anti-depressants.  We tend to think we shouldn't take them, or that we should give them up once we feel better, but I have learned my lesson on that one.  I absolutely wouldn't be without mine.  Have a chat with your GP, if you haven't done this already.  

  • I have antidepressants, I've not long changed to a new one, Amatryptiline, I think that's why I'm so blue, they're just getting in to my system this week, I started them about 3 weeks ago. I've had citalopram and syrtraline but neither were very successful I started new pain meds too at the same time the combination seems OK, except for just the one day of sickness and vomiting I've been OK. Yesterday and today have been very difficult for me, tearful and just not feeling very bright I think I'm due to ovulate tomorrow too so rush of hormones have floored me xx

  • Glad to know.  Hope they all start working beautifully soon and you start to feel better.  I know getting the right medication has really helped me.  Hope the rest of your Sunday is nicer.  

  • I'm on citolopram too, along with 20mg of zomoph, morphine 12 hour tabs, plus I've just had zolodez injection and on hrt, and my doc added tramodol Friday, couse pain was so  high, it's crap tho, as feel like I'm stoned, lol

  • That is a beautiful piece of writing and totally relatable. I'm not the girl I was this time last year...pain changes you, turns you into someone else. Big hugs xx 

  • It really took everything I had to write it, it was on a loop over and over I just couldn't find peace, once I got it down I felt instant relief I just couldn't ignore it and move on. So many people feel the same confusion and blame themselves, if it helps just one person to not feel alone it was worth every harrowing second it took me to write xx

  • Beautiful writing! I write when I get to that point of despair too, it's cathartic. I feel also that there must be benefits to Endo somewhere along the line of this hideous disease, maybe discovering our creative talents while we're immobilised is one of them. Keep using it to help you and if you get that down please seek help. Wether it's a change of medication or calling the Samaritans or something. All pain passes but make sure it doesn't take you with it. Life is too precious even if it doesn't feel like it is sometimes. Lots of love to you fellow Kelly 😉 xxx (Kellys are a good bunch!) 

  • Thank you! I honestly don't see the beauty in the madness of my mind, when I wrote it I was sobbing, I couldn't see the screen through the tears, the entire passage was instinct, I didn't think, the fog was too thick I just let my fingers go and hoped I didn't make too many spelling mistakes lol xx

  • Beautiful, it's how I feel too. I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I used to be happy, cheerful, helpful outgoing, working person, mother, wife. I'm now unemployed, still in agony, I'm depressed, unhappy, staying at home mother,wife. I feel like a zombie, can't eat solid foods, no pain killers work on me. I've had so many operations to get rid of Endo and adhesions but they keep coming back to ruin my life. Can't end my life as I have to think about my children and be there for my daughter in case one day if she ever gets endo😞

    Sweety.

  • That's another thing that scares me, what if I selfishly have children and pass this awful, mind-numbing painful monster of a disease on to my daughter. Part of me thinks it would be better if it dies with me, I don't think I can face a future childless, having nobody to bury me, remember me. That's very selfish I know but its all I've ever wanted, a little person that's part of me to love unconditionally and watch them prosper xx

  • I became ill with Endo after having my 3 children I have 1 daughter and 2 sons. I found out I had Endo in 2009 when I became seriously ill and was admitted in hospital and had emergency operation bowel resection and was told I have Endo, I've been suffering from Endo ever since 2009. So far I have been keeping an eye on my daughter's periods so far she's fine and dandy old me she will let me know if there's any problems.

    With Endo you can't tell if you're child will get it or not, or even if you're lucky enough to have any children. If I couldn't have children due to Endo I know me and my hubby would have split up. I have so much love inside me and am happy to give that love to all my children.

    Endo is causing so many problems, I have been diagnosed with celiac disease, disc protrusion in my spine, I have eating disorder, sleep disorder, depression, having issues with my hubby.

    Sweety

  • Oh sweety, you are not alone, my fear is that my long term relationship of 13 years will end as soon as they take my ovaries away, babies are very important to him, we wouldn't have been together had I known then what I know now. He says its all about you, it was love at first sight, I don't need anything else but that's a lie, I see it in his eyes, he's basically said as much in the past, we worked because we both wanted the same thing, babies, marriage, family life. He refuses to propose and I know he's waiting til I'm pregnant, his mum confirmed my fears without knowing it, she said he'll propose you just need to get pregnant...they don't realise that type of pressure is making my mental state worse, I said on Saturday, when I could feel the stress building, he should leave now coz as this disease takes hold of me I'm losing the person I am I don't think I can face the heartbreak straight off the operating table, he said all the right things but it lacked conviction. He's struggling with his own emotions its clear to see, he's afraid to reevaluate the situation coz I think he's scared of the reality of it. I can't ask him to Make that sacrifice when I wouldn't make it myself...its such a sh!#&y situation for us, he's afraid to be alone, I'm not I'd rather he just be straight and honest xx

  • I feel so sorry for you, he shouldn't wait till your pregnant to propose to you, if he truly loves you he would do it now and be there for you no matter what. You can be happy without children too. having children meant a lot to me and my hubby, he told to my face once when I was having a really bad day, he said if I couldn't have children he would have left me. We have been married 20 years now. 

    Since my illness my hubby has changed so much that I feel like I've lost my best friend and I can't talk to him about my problems anymore as he's under stress from work and due to my illness. We have kind of drifted apart the person I can talk to about how I feel is my daughter. 

    Sometimes we can't have sex and hubby gets angry and twice he has told me that I have ruined this marriage all because of my Endo pains. When I do tell hubby about what is happening he rolls his eyes up and says what's hurting now, why are you in pain? 

    Sometimes I think I would be better off on my own, but I don't have a job to support me or my children. We have our good days but mostly we have bad days stressful days, he stresses me out so much sometimes, he won't even listen to what I have to say. My body and mind can't handle stress anymore.

    Sweety.

  • Last night I let him read this post, he cried! I know he loves me but I'm not sure it's enough anymore. He doesn't understand, he could never understand. Even after reading this he said I moan too much, he's said I need to get a life in the past, he doesn't realise he IS my life I was 19 when we met, I'd only had 2 sexual partners before him, we have 8 nieces and nephews together, we've lived together since 2 weeks after we met, he is and always has been my everything. I've spent my entire adult life with him, I don't know how I would cope with life without him. He says we're soulmates and I'm the past I'd have agreed, not so much now though, if he really truly felt how I feel he wouldn't mock me, he wouldn't say I complain too much, even on my bad days he has food on the table, clean clothes, dogs fed, clean lizard vivs, he wants for nothing I expect nothing from him, if I did I feel I'd be disappointed at every turn. Having said that, its on me I kill myself to be a good wife, easter Sunday I cooked him a full roast dinner between vomiting I didn't eat I could barely walk, that day he said can we have sex if you feel better later? I didn't and on the Monday he didn't speak to me. Sex is the route of all of our arguments 99% of the time. He uses it as a weapon to punish me too, when I feel good he refuses and them has the cheek to say he doesn't use it to punish me. Maybe I'm paranoid but I don't think I am, I know him well enough to see his thoughts before he's thinking them. I can't recall the last time we had a day we didn't have some sort of dispute, he says I'm rude, I speak to him badly, I get frustrated easily, that's what happens when he doesn't listen, I'm fed up of repeating myself and I snap at him. That's wrong I know it is but that's me, I have fire in my belly and I'm not afraid of confrontation I've always been the same. I don't like the mind games he plays, although he denies it of course. Anybody reading this will think wtf are you doing together your poisoning each other, but well when its good it's amazing, that's been a long time though, he knows stress is the route cause of a lot of my actions and yet he continues to be the way he is. My family have no idea how things are between us, they see smiles and hear lies but behind closed doors its a battle of wits. I hate the way we are now. He does help me out when he can be bothered but that just annoys me more, I like structure and routine, he's erratic and can be very harsh and I feel like we can fix it but he has to be honest and speak his mind, that's a battle that has continued for a long time he just won't speak and then he snaps. I just don't know how to fix it alone xx

  • I hear you, I try and do everything for my hubby I even listen to him moan about work and anything else, but when it's my turn he doesn't want to know, doesn't want to listen, I see everything from his point of view but he doesn't even try to see things from my point of view. He makes me feel guilty when I have no reason to feel guilty. If I point out his mistakes he doesn't like it and gives me the silent treatment for a while.

    Men and other women will never, never understand what us women are going through or even try to understand. They say they are there for us but in end we are alone. I battle everyday not to snap at my hubby, and fight not to give up my life, I don't cope well with these Endo pains it's even worse for me as I'm struggling to eat solid foods even glutenfree foods make my stomach bloat, I don't even know how to tell my hubby eating anything I thought I was safe with I am having trouble eating those.

    Life is so difficult with Endo, I sometimes wonder how other women cope when I so want to give up.😞 Non of my family or relatives know what's happening with me and my hubby, like you everyone thinks we're the happy couple that we are so good for each other. I have to pretend that I'm happy when instead I want to talk to someone about it but can't.

    Don't let him use sex as a punishment on you, he should be happy to hear you say you can have it as its your good day. 

    Sweety

  • My life is the same! I hope it gets better for u. This time last week my husband And I actually agreed on a divorce but talked two days later. One thing that helped was I let him know....Its hard to be sexually attractive to someone who doesn't seem to care about your physical pain. We have tryed to meet each other half way since. But if it turns bad again I'm gonna leave without looking back. Good luck to you. And my heart hurts knowing there's others n this aituation

  • O wow. Sweety your life sounds just like mine. O man it's unreal! Except I have two girls and one boy. My husband and I have none together But he has five of his own. And their mother doesn't have anything to do with them so I take complete care of them. But the way u say your husband acts....mine is the same way sometimes. But then other times he's completely understanding. I swear he has more mood swings than me! So I do know how u feel. I sometimes wish my job would support me and just my kids. But my youngest is ten and now lives with her  dad. My other two r 17 and 19 So 83rd pretty much just be me. I told my hubby how I felt about being alone cause it's wearing me down extra fast to take care of his five kids. And he's really straightened up and tryed to be more supportive

  • That's funny because I sometimes feel like my hubby is going through menopause, one minute he's nice, caring and understanding the next minute he's bitches, moans, becomes very negative towards me, and gives me the silent treatment. 

    My daughter is 19, my two sons are 15 & 17 years old. I've had numerous conversations with my hubby regarding this and he says he will change but it only lasts for about an hour to a day then he goes back to his old negative self. 

    My children are always saying to me that I should go stay at my mums for a few days to get a break from my hubby, I want to, but I feel like I'm deserting my children so I can't do that.

    Sweety

  • Yep. Same here. So far He's lasted about four days without getting pissy. If your children r ok with it...I'd get away for a couple days. Maybe it'll make him realize what he's gotta change. That was What it took with my husband. 

  • I made mine read all about endo lol 

  • Yeah I think I will. When I think about going to my mum's I start missing my kids already and start hugging them then think I can't go. 

    I will try this weekend to go, hopefully I will stay a few day and hubby will realise his mistakes and change a bit.

    Sweety.

  • I hope it helps u. I hate when my hubby acts like just cause he's completely healthy then every one else is to. I've been ready and I think endo will cause depression and of course that just makes it worse.

  • Thank you, Endo really does ruin everything. I hate it so much.

    Sweety.

  • I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, sounds to me like you still have a beautiful soul!!your writing skills are amazing.i wish I could find the words to properly describe my feelings, but sometimes I can't find the words.i hope that you can find some hope , but I know sometimes we all feel a little bit of hopelessness.just know that you are never alone, as women we need to praise and support each other, regardless .good luck and prayers I'm sending your way!!!

  • Thank you! It means so much to know there's people here who understand and don't judge me for speaking my mind. It saddens me to say I don't have a friend left to confide in anymore I can't express how nice its been to feel the support I've felt this last few days. Its been a long time xx

  • Ah ladies I'm so sorry to hear your troubles. They are everything that I think the majority of us have been through with this disease. People have no idea how much stress it puts upon a relationship and even if you're managing to keep up with the basic chores you're too knackered for the extras! From a male perspective it must be hard to see the person you love change because of pain, knowing that there's nothing that you can do to help. In away I'm kind of lucky, I met my partner when I was at one of my worst points so endo' has always been a part of our life. xananook will they definitely take you're ovaries away & if they do can't you have your eggs frozen before? I don't know if it's possible but maybe something to consider. For both of you, do t let this disease ruin your relationships. If the partners that you're with are worth it (and only you know if they are or not) then fight for your relationships. Get some counselling or try to find an evening when you can just do something you both like together, try to re-ignite the reasons why you got got together. Failing all this if they're wrong for you then move on & your body & mind will heal. You're Endo women, no doubt you're tough little cookies! Don't be beaten! ...after this whole rant, I felt exactly the same a while back: rock bottom. I did t see my blessings & id told my partner he'd be better off without me...he laughed & told me not to be silly, it'll pass. Much love to Xananook & Sweetieyassi. Wishing you both some peace xxx

  • The right one is attached flat surface to flat surface on a nodule that's embedded in to the rectum, they are almost certain its going he'll try to separate but its unlikely. The left is encased for the 2nd time in a large Endometrioma, the cysts that I had removed in October caused abrasions but the dye test showed function. He said he wasn't sure what he would do when we last spoke, it may stay in place, if its extensively damaged they'll attempt egg harvesting and remove it. Its up in the air I have no idea exactly what will happen until I go back in June. Its all guess work and that's what frustrates me, I like to know what's happening, worst case scenario, and time to prepare myself, in that order prefrebly its the uncertainty that causes me stress xx

  • Xananook ok so there's hope then! Don't close your mind to the possibility that you could save eggs. I know we always want to prepare ourselves for the worst but if the worst scenario occurs them you still won't be prepared, you'll still mourn. So while there's hope, hope! X

  • Hi Kellysims,

    Thank you for the advice will definitely go see my GP regarding meeting with a counsellor, I think I do need to talk to someone about it.

    Your partner sounds like a wonderful person, your very lucky to have him.

    Sweety.

  • Hi Sweetyasi, 

    I find it helps to talk (is there an advert that stated that??!!) maybe your partner would want to go with you? If not it may help you to decide what you need & if you're getting it. As for my bloke, yes he is a darling but equally he can be a pest too (as can I) we're both hard work sometimes!! And both take each other for granted but there's love & history so we try to get each other as I'm sure you & your partner have at points. Good luck lovely, this disease is hard xxx

  • Hi Kellysims,

    Thank you. I'm going to see my GP on Monday and I asked my hubby to come along with me hopefully he will listen and help me more.

    Sweety

  • Ah bless good luck darling, hope it goes well, keep me updated! X

  • Will do😀

  • I read your thoughts and it reminded me of how I felt when I struggled to conceive children for many years. I wasn't going to quit even in my darkest moments to try to conceive. I had undiagnosed endometriosis for 28 years! I always knew I had a disease but no doctor believed me. I have been through 12 or more doctors and never gave up that glimmer of hope to pull through this disease. I sought out a fertility specialist and had IVF. I conceived twins on my first attempt after trying for 10 years with my husband. I prayed to God before I conceived for children and wrote down my wishes in a journal with a special miracle prayer I found on line. It was a true miracle that I had my kids. Two years after I had them I was finally diagnosed and had complete laparoscopic surgery for Endo that was confirmed by by biopsy. I had two fibroids, a cyst on my left ovary and had the ovary removed, bowel Endo, Endo stuck to my uterus, vaginal and abdominal wall, Fallopian tubes removed and a DNC. I'm feeling better but I'm still getting ibs and cramps every month along with bronchitis, fatigue and a cough. It's like living hell but I remind myself that I'm still here and I'm strong, kind and blessed to have achieved what I have living with this horrible disease. My husband calls me the fighter! He says I'm the toughest person he knows. So don't ever give up because God has a plan for you and maybe a miracle!!

  • Thank you for sharing your story, I feel right now that miracles happen to other people, I'm struggling to keep the faith :( everybody around me does that for me and I find it so annoying! Babies are not on my mind right now, thy are off the table until this is all sorted out and I'm as healthy as I can be, I can't cope with another miscarriage the last one almost finished me off. I have and will again express my desire to have kids to my consultant, I'm praying he won't just take both ovaries and that's that done, I would be furious if he did and we hadn't discussed it first, at length, I don't personally want anything taken away, that's unlikely I know my right ovary is already at the scrap yard. I'm trying to take each day as it comes, for my own sanity and for those around me, my poor nan is 80 in June she doesn't need to see me struggling like this, she raised me and she feels responsible xx

  • I'm sorry you're going through all this. Please try to find one positive thing when you get up every day. Get to a counselor or psychologist to help you deal with your feelings and coping techniques. We all have strengths that will get us through th hard times. I went and got help and never took drugs. They just mask your problems and have terrible side effects. I want to help you. Please keep in touch with me. You're not alone. I always felt I was alone but you're not. Okay. 

  • I also had several miscarriages so I've been there. 

  • Some hope. I have one ovary and my Mom had three kids on one ovary. Don't lose hope and definately express your needs to your gyno. I'm sorry and will pray for you.

  • Thank you so much that would be really lovely :) xx

  • You're more than welcome. I've been at the complete bottom. My relationship was at its worst and somehow I pulled through. I could write a book about it. Maybe I will write one to help other women who are alone and struggling. I realized how strong I was through everything I've been and are still going through. I'm 47 years old. Still dealing with it all too

  • Writing has been very theriputic for me, the response to this post has been phenomimal, I can't believe little old me has been able to provoke such a response. I often just write my feelings on a bit of paper, scrunch it up and throw it away. It's offered me the chance to take a deep breath and take stock. We could all write a chapter each lol it would be a fantastic bedtime read xx

  • Yes I think we should. Just reading and writing is therapeutic for me. I felt a lot less weird once I read all the ladies posts on here. Some of my close friends really don't understand what's going on with me. Like you said, they try and I appreciate that but I still am alone in my daily suffering.

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