The darkness consumes me, the mirror shows a person I don't recognise, and I don't know who I'm gonna be today. As I drink down the poison from the chalice that is trying to repair me I can't recall the last time I was Kelly, the happy go-lucky person who sees the best in everyone. She's a person I like, its her nature to nurture and everybody she meets likes her too. The new Kelly is far removed from that girl, she's paranoid, fearful and flinches at human contact. She feels hate in her heart, in a heart that was pure and beautiful, its now a swinging brick cast into shadow by the thoughts that plague her brain. She's suspicious of everyone and everything, questions have no answers and she is horrible! Her eyes clouded with tears she wants solitude, the old Kelly hated silence, she loved a cuddle and she would do just about anything without question just to see a smile on the face of the people she loves. Brickwalls are in place nobody gets close anymore she simply doesn't care about anything! Words escape me, I can't explain the sorrow I feel, there are no words that provide a real genuine insight into my emotional state, I feel justification can't be made for the way I act, the things I say, the meltdown of my mind. I can't count how many times I've thought I would be better off dead, suicide, the old Kelly loved life, she loved people, she was happy. I don't recall what happy feels like now, she would never have even said that word 'suicide' it was a word she hated with a passion, its the cowards way out, she was brave and strong and had courage in buckets. Depression has effectively killed that girl she's a person I don't think is there anymore. The tears flow for the person I was I mourn the loss of my former self, if I could I'd climb out of this pain riddled body and be a whole new person but I can't, I'm trapped and my identity is unknown, I feel like a fraud, I'm not her I stole her identity and nobody noticed, if they did they walked away, it wasn't something I recognised at the time, but in my moments of clarity it was obvious they just didn't care! How do you find peace with a person you hate when that person is yourself? My eyes are clouded with unshed tears I just swallow down and pretend they don't exist, my mind is mousse it cannot function the way it used to, sly comments about how 'stupid' I am crushes the little spirit I had left. I honestly never knew how much my ovaries define me as a woman, facing the future with the prospect of them going absolutely kills me, all I've ever wanted is to be a Mum, that's probably not gonna happen and my soul is destroyed, a soul I don't feel belongs to me, the person I've become will rot in hell and souls are beautiful they belong in heaven. I can't tell you how this happened, but I do know the cause of it, Endometriosis has ruined my life, smashed my dreams to bits, I am a lonely, sad, shadow of my former self. My words are lost when the clarity passes, and I search for a being I'm happy to be. Until I find that I doubt anything could stem my tears flowing freely. With my best friend at my side I'm soothed she makes life bareable and she strengthens the bond between my and her Daddy and look at those eyes she needs a happy Mammy and until that happens she'll sit at my side and dry my tears and listen to every silly thing I say. She will be my saviour, she's the baby and she knows it. Whatever person that greets the world she is a constant and she never discriminates she loves every side of me and for that I have a reason to smile through the tears xx
Last edited by xnanookx
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