I have just experienced one of my worst days again, being at the monthly peak of my endo.
And in 5 days I will probably be incredibly ashamed of this and think "How could you be such a wimp?!"
I have to say I can't handle myself in a situation like this, I don't know myself anymore. I throw everything I have in my hand at that moment. (We lost a china set and a laptop yet.) There is such an anger coming up in me and it just bursts like a volcano. Yesterday I burst using words and had a big fight with my fiance via text messaging (yes not ideal). He was with his friends at that moment and of course - now - everyone is against me. I am the awful partner who is unbelievable and unpredictable in her reaction.
Yes, I am. But I do not just shout because of anger I am also shouting for help in silence, there is this little part of me who can not say it but who is weeping and crying for help and doesn't know how to express the truth. The anger covers it all. I need someone who - although I am furious - can take me in his or her arms and tell me that it's gonna be alright or whatever... just not someone who throws mentos in my coke or fuel in my volcano etc.
I hate myself in a moment like that and there's nobody who will accept my behaviour. And then I start to cut my arms, like a teenager. Just because there is no other way for me to express my anger. It relieves me incredibly, but I know that it is not what to do. There is no one who takes it. What am I supposed to do?
Of course, everyone tries to protect my fiance from me now. He loves me so dearly and stays with me, but although I tried to show him websites and explain endo to him, I don't think that he thinks he could do anything for me. When I blow up, he just goes with it, fights against me and that makes it worse.
I don't really have friends here yet, that are close enough as that I could share this with them, as I just immigrated and I don't have family here either. So his family is concerned about him and his friends are concerned about him. Who is concerned about me? Who understands that I am afraid of myself?
Maybe I should go to psychological advice or something, but I don't know how it works in this country. I have been in therapy for 10 years due to 12 years of traumatic experience. I thought I was done with it and now this...
I know I am just one more of those useless weeping creatures and I really don't want to hawk this feelings here, but... I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you very much in advance.