I have just experienced one of my worst days again, being at the monthly peak of my endo.
And in 5 days I will probably be incredibly ashamed of this and think "How could you be such a wimp?!"
I have to say I can't handle myself in a situation like this, I don't know myself anymore. I throw everything I have in my hand at that moment. (We lost a china set and a laptop yet.) There is such an anger coming up in me and it just bursts like a volcano. Yesterday I burst using words and had a big fight with my fiance via text messaging (yes not ideal). He was with his friends at that moment and of course - now - everyone is against me. I am the awful partner who is unbelievable and unpredictable in her reaction.
Yes, I am. But I do not just shout because of anger I am also shouting for help in silence, there is this little part of me who can not say it but who is weeping and crying for help and doesn't know how to express the truth. The anger covers it all. I need someone who - although I am furious - can take me in his or her arms and tell me that it's gonna be alright or whatever... just not someone who throws mentos in my coke or fuel in my volcano etc.
I hate myself in a moment like that and there's nobody who will accept my behaviour. And then I start to cut my arms, like a teenager. Just because there is no other way for me to express my anger. It relieves me incredibly, but I know that it is not what to do. There is no one who takes it. What am I supposed to do?
Of course, everyone tries to protect my fiance from me now. He loves me so dearly and stays with me, but although I tried to show him websites and explain endo to him, I don't think that he thinks he could do anything for me. When I blow up, he just goes with it, fights against me and that makes it worse.
I don't really have friends here yet, that are close enough as that I could share this with them, as I just immigrated and I don't have family here either. So his family is concerned about him and his friends are concerned about him. Who is concerned about me? Who understands that I am afraid of myself?
Maybe I should go to psychological advice or something, but I don't know how it works in this country. I have been in therapy for 10 years due to 12 years of traumatic experience. I thought I was done with it and now this...
I know I am just one more of those useless weeping creatures and I really don't want to hawk this feelings here, but... I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you very much in advance.
KiwiAnnie
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KiwiAnnie
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I really feel for you, been in your situation many times. I have been a absolute b*tch to my partner at times and then felt the most awful guilt afterwards when I'm back on an even keel.
I have suffered from depression on and off for many years and I suffer from terrible paranoia when (my partner and I like to call it) I'm off "my chops on the hormones".
Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? x
Yes, calling it paranoia seems "appropriate" to me. It really feels like that. As if you don't know yourself anymore.
I have to say that I haven't found a doctor yet who hasn't given me the impression that they think "Don't b*tch around like that. Grow up!"
One doctor just gave me a prescription for a big pack of 500g Paracetamol + 30mg Codeine.
When I asked if we could do a bit more, like a treatment plan for that or whatever he send me away with "That's what cancer patients get. It's the strongest I can give you!"
Great! I can't take it. If I take half a pill, the pain is just numbed for 30mins and if I take a whole pill I can hardly breathe anymore (it seems to paralyse breathing a bit) which makes me panic and I am so dizzy that I speak as if I was drunk. My mouth can't really follow my words...
I can't be in charge of my little boy when I'm like that...
How exactly does your partner manage when you are "off my chops on the hormones" ?
Do you have something like rules or code words or... how does he know when it starts? How does he know, this is not something he can fight you about..?
I've lost count on the number of doctors I've seen. If 1 wont help I make an appointment with another at the surgery. I often find that women are more sympathetic. I gave up taking painkillers as they made me ill and used hot water bottles/baths/massage/breathing exercises. I take feminax when the pain gets too much, it takes the edge off for me and is really gentile to my tummy.
I'm not sure how my partner copes to be honest. He is a really caring, positive and patient person which sometimes does my head in too. When I'm screaming and crying he just sits there and says "I understand how you feel, what can we do to sort this?" It's probably a good thing that he is so calm as I would hate to fight and argue.
We call "her" scary mary, she's the person I become when I'm off my chops on the hormones. We hate scary mary. We have to joke or make light of it, it's what gets us through sometimes.
During my "off my chops on the hormones" moments he is very kind to me, probably scared I will blow off. He always used to know when I was ovulating and when my period was due but the last year they have been very irregular. So now he's never sure and I have to say I'm off my chops.
He just knows me so well its scary sometimes. I honestly don't know how he puts up with it. Probably lives (like me) for the good days, when we talk, laugh and joke, dance and sing, are tactile, "normal".
I have to say I've been feeling better since having the coil (my 3rd) fitted a couple of months ago and cutting out loads of stuff out of my diet that I discovered I was intolerant to. I'm just constantly hoping that something doesn't happen to tip me over the edge.
My journey with Endo has left me in an incredibly angry state. It makes me so sad. I'm usually a really calm person, really patient and will do anything for anyone. Yet with my partner and also my mum I'm so defensive and snappy. At times I will turn my back if my boyfriend tries to give me affection. I'm so tired and sometimes it's as if I expect them to know how I feel or know what I think about something or know the answer already.
We hit rock bottom the other day (my period) I just felt like I wasn't being listened to I ended up throwing the remote and it smashed. I'm never violent in any way and that scared me. A weekend of back and forth and talking and we realised id lost my fight. I was just taking everything that was happening to me and letting it win.
It sounds like your fiancé is a good guy. He's obviously understood in some way other wise he would have walked already. Have you tried to talk to him? Ask him how it makes him feel. The most important thing my partner said was in all the arguments and frustration the only thing he wanted was for me to be happy and positive, he only wanted what I deserved. It helps me.
I definitely think you should see a counsellor. You need to have a referral from your GP or pay privately but it can be expensive.
What is your story with endometriosis? How long etc? Don't ever feel like you don't have anyone, This forum is incredible for support
I wanted to answer earlier, but it took a while until I felt like it.
I didn't think someone would write a reply and that it was just for letting my feelings out. But reading yours and dabba76's reply helped me a lot. I like the part about the remote, it even made me giggle a bit. It is so good to know that there are women who have the same feelings and that it isn't just me who ends up with throwing etc.
And also, it is good to see that you still have partners.
I find it very hard, to feel the true depth of my feelings and to let it out the way it comes, living in fear that this might scare my partner away. I know that I have to work on my expression but I also know that suppressing it because of him isn't the right way either...
We tried to look for help online, trying to look for advice for him as well. So, how can partners help and manage. In the end we found a book that might be quite helpful. We are trying it out and try to communicate more. I send him a message every day while he's at work, telling him how my daily status is and how I feel that day, so that he's prepared when he comes home.
I try to be aware of it all the time and hope that it will help.
The problem is that, when it gets too "chemical" and my brain is bombed with hormones and their reactions... I just can't think straight anymore.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me.
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Chest pains 
Not happy with consultant has any one else had this 
Endometriosis 
So angry & upset- need more surgery & instead being fobbed off & cant stop crying
