Missing him and in pain

My fiance split up with me and has moved out. I did not know this was going to happen. On Friday night (a week ago now) he said he was going out with some mates but would make sure he got the last train, I waited up for him and he never showed up and turned his phone off. I sent him texts/emails and voice mail saying I was worried. He replied eventually and said he would be home later and that he loved me. I asked him if he was going to dump me and he promised me he would not. Three hours later he turns up at our flat with his mum and dad and says he is moving out. That was nearly two weeks ago and I am so used to talking to him or seeing him every day and it hurts that I have not since that fateful day.

When I get stressed my endo flairs up so is there any tips guys anything would do.

17 Replies

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  • What a terrible, terrible shock for you! Do you have people around you for support?

    Obviously, you can't just switch your feelings off for someone even if they have hurt you and you will still be in shock I'm sure but it does sound like you deserve much better treatment than he was capable of giving you. Has he not given you any answers at all? Whether he can or cannot do this, you just need to keep it in your head that you deserved to be loved - properly.

    As far as your health goes, all I can suggest other than talking to people (so that you let some stress out) is to try and spoil yourself with things that you know will relax you as much as possible. I'm sorry you have gone through this.

  • Thank you,

    He has told me nothing and he will not answer my texts or emails apart to say it is over. I just want to know what I have done wrong.

    I have no one around me that I can really speak to x

  • Hey,

    The other commenter has it right - you deserved better than this, and you certainly deserve answers to your questions. I know this doesn't really help, but it sounds to me like he is a coward, unable to face all the hurt he has caused you, getting his parents to be there such that he avoids a 'scene'.

    I've been where you are, nobody really to talk to, and dealing with chronic endo pain, so I can totally relate. If you need a friend, feel free to private message me.

    Lorna x

  • Thank you, I would not have made a scene I just want to know the answers to my questions.

    x

  • Hi uglyduckling1991,

    I'm so sorry this has happened to you, what a horrible thing for him to do to you! Especially at the time when you need all the support you can get. I have had some bad experiences in the past & know that nasty shocks like this can really knock you hard.

    My advice is don't blame yourself- it was his choice to walk away, his choice to lie & dump you when he said he wasn't going to & his choice to be this way. It's not your fault & you need to make yourself priority in this situation or your health will suffer. Don't pester him for an explanation- he's obviously too much of a coward to face up to what he has done.

    It sounds hard but delete his number & if you can, change yours. Don't email him or get in contact- why should you chase after him. If he wants to talk to you let him do the hard work. It sounds harsh but get rid of/put away stuff that reminds you of him, stuff he gave you & anything of his left ect. It will only upset you.

    I know this is going to hurt but the best thing you can do is surround yourself with your family & friends- be honest with them & talk to them. They can help you & I'm sure they will support you.

    If the stress is making your endo flare up then it might be worth seeing a doctor- they may be able to prescribe something to ease the pain (if you felt like you needed it they can also give you stuff for sleeping & anxiety ect). Try to keep a routine too- don't sit & dwell for hours. Try to do things you enjoy &treat yourself. The only thing that will heal this is time, like didymus said below- you can't just switch your feelings off for someone but you can heal from it.

    Good luck & if you want to talk feel free to message me xx

  • Thank you for your response, I can not get rid of his telephone number or his email as that would mean admitting defeat I just want him to come home to me and I dont know how to make that happened :( x

  • Please don't chase him!

    YOUR WORTH DO SO MUCH MORE!

    He's finished with you so keep your dignity.

    Big hugs. Xxx

  • :( thing is it will make things worse if you chase him- deleting his number isn't admitting defeat. If anything it is a triumph because it shows that you were strong enough not to chase him when he hurt you so badly. Try just having a few days to think hun & not contacting him, you've made it so far already without him xxx

  • I am just so desperate to see him or at least to speak to him I hate it that he has cut me out of his life so much x

  • He does not deserve you, honey. He has put his own selfish needs before yours and has not had the "balls" to tell you why he has decided to shut you out so abruptly. I have gone through this, and it really does hurt. Granted i was not engaged to this person but the lack of communication and shutting out despite his assurances that he would not do this has left me feeling somewhat confused and hurt. Like a fool, i accepted his "i am too busy" explanation but his constant partying has led me to conclude that i was only being used. So if he has shut me out, i am going to shut him out. Believe me, i totally understand and relate to your reluctance to delete his number but you do deserve far better than how he is treating you. I dont know if you will receive an answer to your question of why. I know that it burns you to know his reason but unfortunately there are some cowards who like to avoid situations by doing this. It is so very wrong and it says a lot about how they treat women. Please, please find a way to let him go. Dont continue to provide him power over you.

  • How can I get over him though I love him so much and I wish he would come back to me

  • Hello.

    What a silly immature thing to do to you. Sorry that it happened you don't deserve that.

    I had something very similar happen to me...

    I was going through an extremely rough patch (had been sexually assaulted) and I was struggling to deal with it all. 5 months later my boyfriend dumped me...by text!..he couldn't deal with it all and said he didn't love me anymore. Wouldn't answer my calls or see me. I begged and begged and when we saw each other I thought we would work out but no he said he couldn't. It took me a year to be strong and understand I deserved so much better. And do you know what? He came back a year later. Said he was a fool and that he hated himself for what he had done and wanted to prove me to me he had grown up. Now we live together and are hoping to start a family later this year.

    It wasn't the fact he came back that made me happy...it was the fact I finally knew how to be strong and love myself. You don't need him, he's only worth having if he knows how much your worth...which is a lot. Always believe that honey.

    If you want to talk just send me a message I'm happy to help. Xxx

  • A good few years back someone on the TV was talking about relationships and what to look for in a a good partner. He said if someone isn't prepared to move mountains for you then they are not worth it. This thought stayed with me and it became a useful measure. I am now with someone who moves mountains for me and I do for him too. I realised that all my past rubbish relationships were just to make me recognise a good heart when it came along.

    Logically I think you understand all this but it's no surprise that you feel such pain now and all you want is for him to come back and make the pain go away. It's a horrible place to be and we've all been there. What's worse is the way he did it and you surely know deep down that someone who just walks away the way he did is very cowardly. Sure, relationships end all the time but there's a considerate way and an inconsiderate way. He is inconsiderate and now you know how selfish he can be, ask yourself is that good enough? He might be there 'in health' but certainly not 'in sickness' as the marriage vows go even if he does come crawling back.

    One quite important thing....maybe change your user name to BeautifulSwan!

    My sister sent me a link to a really good talk by Louise Hay called How to Love Yourself which you might find comforting.

    You're right about endo flaring during stress. Stress pushes cortisol up which is made in the body by using progesterone. With lower levels of progesterone, oestrogen is the high in relation to it and this imbalance causes the right conditions for endo to flare. Try to do everything within your power to focus on yourself and relax. As someone above says, try to get a routine going. Go out for walks and listen to uplifting music. Eat well and do pamper yourself. See your friends regularly and maybe join a class in something that interests you.

    Take care. x

  • I agree with the others. you take control - ditch him...every last vestage. Delete phone numbers and emails. If post arrives for him, mark it as "unknown at this address" and pop it back in the post box. There will be reminders and memories, but he is gone and he certainly left with no intention of returning.

    He may not ever know why he had to leave or be mature enough to explain that to you, or perhaps he still cares enough about you not to explain and possibly hurt your feelings and you have to accept that is the situation.

    Very few relationships will end with a post mortem of where it went wrong.

    No one who loves another person, or a pet or anything they value greatly in their lives gets over their loss in an instant. There will always be a grieving process, which varies in how long it takes, but everyone goes through it for one reason or another.

    That time is where you learn to cope with what has happened. It doesn't change the outcome, it doesn't change your history, it is just that you take time to reflect on everything and find yourself able to move on past that.

    It always helps to hold on to other hobbies, friends and outside interests away from any relationship. No relationship lasts forever, whether it fortuitously breaks up early or after a considerable time, or through the death of a partner or loved one, we all suffer when it does happen, and feel even more isolated when we don't have others that we can fall back on for support and other activities to take our minds away from dwelling on the loss.

    If you burn your bridges where other friends and other social activities are concerned and you put all your eggs in one basket ie the relatonship with your partner then you will feel that loss all the more because every aspect of your life was tied up with theirs. Never a healthy way to handle any relationship.

    Your ex is ex, I know that's not what you want to be the case, but he is not mature enough for the demands of your relationship and skidaddled home to parents and that's his prerogative. He may one day grow up and come looking for you grovelling to restart the relationship, and if that happens then you are in charge and you decide if he is worth the risk of ploughing all your efforts in to having a relationship with him, knowing that when the going gets tough he shoots off.

    Sorry to say but there are often a lot of toads out there before you find a prince. Don't contact him again begging for answers. It is not the best policy. You have done so once and that is enough. He will either respond in time or he won't, but you cannot and should not force the issue.

  • No matter what I do I will never get over him and I do not want to delete everything about him

  • :( poor you. BIG HUG!!! try and distract your self as much as you can. I know its tough but taking your mind off of things can often reduce the stress anyway. Exercise (even just walking to the shops and looking round) is great for stress relief. Have you got anyone around you? Maybe they could take you out or you could try spending more time with them? I broke up with my first love a couple of weeks back and i must say that without my mates I wouldnt have made it this far. Even though we didnt do anything exciting (we only went for a coffee!) it took my mind off of it all and reminded me that i am loved and cared about.

    Dont worry though, it will pass. Time is the best healer and although you dont feel it now, you will feel so much better soon and you'll find the right person for you.

    Big hugs and stay strong xx

  • None of my friends seem to want to know probalby because I just moan and say I miss him I just want to see him and give him a big hug and tell him I love him even if he does not love me x

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