Devastated! No babies for me... Are there any support groups

When is it going to end. I came off the pill in June 2012 as I wanted to start a family that's when it all started. I had emergency surgery in sept 2012 as I had perforated my bowel in 4 places and had a blockage the size of a golf ball which turned out to be endo. I had a colostomy bag for 7 months and had the reversal in April 2013. My endo pain has been constant throughout so I went for my first laparoscopy which then turned in to a laparotomy as my small bowel was torn during the procedure due to adhesions from the previous surgeries. I will never know how bad my endo is, I was also told that they are unable to collect eggs for ivf and that I would not be able to have a safe pregnancy due to the adhesions. They will only operate on me now if it is life threatening. i am due to start the injections to bring on the menopause so this should hopefully help with the pain. I also have ulcerative colitis, thankfully this has remained in remission. When the gynaecologist told me that I would not be able to have a baby my whole world fell apart, I just feel so numb and worthless at the moment and every time I look at the scar on my stomach I feel as if I've let everyone down. I am normally such a positive person who puts on a brave face but I am hurting inside. I have a wonderful husband but I don't have anyone that I can really talk to who understands. Are there any support groups out there who I can talk to.....

Thank you for taking the time to read my post,

11 Replies

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  • Hi, I have no idea what hell you must have been through as I am only at the stage of having my first lap done in 2 weeks, but I just wanted to say your an amazing woman and so strong for it all and I wish you all the best for the future xxx

  • It is a shock, but like so many of us you can get over the shock. I don't have the time to get in to too much of a saga, but remember this is a bereavement, a grieving process for dreams that have died. Just every bit as emotional as losing a real life loved one. It takes time, time to come to terms, and think things through, time to learn how to cope when you see other people with babies and kids and not feel any resentment or regrets for something you had no control over, time to find other hobbies, and interests that fill up the gaping hole left behind by having a sizeable chunk of future plans cut out from underneath you.

    So you must be kind to yourself and not expect miracles and allow your emotional self plenty of private time to cry, get angry and eventually get through this process which so many of us go through. Men and Women, at so many different ages. Something like 3 in 10 people do not end up having their own biological children. It's a huge number and yes there will be a small number who deliberately don't want a family, but the vast majority will have been brought up expecting that at some point they would be a mum (or dad) and they kind of have that as the main goal in their lives whatever decisions they make regards work, partnerships, investments etc, the underlying goal is one day they will be a parent and they never think twice about just how difficult or impossible that may end up being.

    I am not aware of any counseling specifically for childlessness, because it is so common, and personal and normally something that you yourself are the best person to get yourself though it...and feel all the more empowered for doing so.

    Don't do anything to dramatic to take you away from the issue. The sooner you can have time to dwell on this, think it through and the implications and accept the facts, and then start to make alternate future plans the easier it will get to deal with as you throw yourself in to new projects. They may or may not involve other children, though I highly recommend that you do put your maternal skills and needs to their best use.

    Whether that means adopting a loving pet that needs you. Or working with kids clubs, volunteering in schools with literacy, baby or child sitting for friends and relatives, giving overworked and highly stressed mums that you already know, a break. Take the kids to and from clubs like gym, dancing, horse riding, swimming, trampolining etc. You don't have to take part if you are not up to it, but just being there and helping take the pressure off families makes an enormous difference to stressed out families.

    Sponsoring children in the 3rd world, Adopting a charity close to your heart and gettng stuck in with volunteering fund raising etc. There are just so many many things you can be getting involved in that will rewards you in such diverse ways and make best use of your skills for the benefit of others.

    Don't rush, give it lots of thought, things you enjoy doing are skills you can pass on.

    It might be sports, cooking, reading, ballroom dancing, crafts needlework, computers, DIY .

    And you have the flexibility to change hobbies as and when you do find something more interesting, however bear in mind that committing to a project involving kids and animals is a long term commitment, so you need to think out just how much time you can spare to these things, it will never be as many hours as being a parent would take up, and it is flexible enough to fit in around any bouts of illness too.

    Perhaps you want to research and write a book on your experiences and how you have found ways that helped you along the journey and may be of help to others. Perhaps set up a blog online to record your research.

    Believe me you will get through this and in time will find so many ways to fill up your time if you can bring yourself to have the confidence to take tiny steps out of your comfort zone and try new things as well as doing the things you already love to do.

    And don't be afraid to tell people straight to their face when they ask you if you have kids. "No I don't, I couldn't have kids of my own!" It's rude of people to ask and they need to have a blunt or curt reply to put them in the more uncomfortable place than you are in.

    And be pleased for any friends and family who do manage to have kids of their own. These little people will be very important in your life too, and every single one is a miracle that needs so many people in their lives to help raise them to be healthy, happy, educated and well brought up humans. That includes you.

    I call us the Super Aunts, much more important in the lives of other peoples' kids than any Aunts who have kids of their own taking up their time. We can be there for these youngsters when their parents cannot, when they have all manner of problems they want to talk through, but don't want to or can't talk to their parents.

    You are not alone, not the first and won't be the last person to go through this bereavement process. It's a huge change in the direction your life was headed (or you expected it to go). It takes a lot of soul searching and you need to do that yourself. Write down your thoughts in a journal, your regrets, your plans for the future (list things you want to do one day) and keep that journal for times you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally and pour your heart out to the journal.

    It's good to go back to in later years to remind you just how far you have come since the darkest days.

    I am in much the same boat, but 5 years further down the line. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Just put on a brave face to the outside world, to my mum (dad had just died) and to my many siblings all of whom were having babies left right and centre. It's not easy, I won't pretend it's easy, it certainly isn't, but it does get easier and you get stronger in how you handle it and handle other people and tricky social situations you inevitably find yourself in, that stir up the emotions.

    You can do it, be brave and think think think through what the news means and how much more freedom you will now have to plan to do other things.

    If you are really strong you may want to look at fostering, or adoption, or surrogacy but if your emotional strength is not up to that yet there are still so many ways to get back to making a positive difference to others lives and your own as well. Very best wishes and a cyber hug.

  • Thank you so much for your kind words and the cyber hug. I have been thinking and discussing with my husband how we can move forward in time. I am used to volunteering and have worked with the elderly and children something I am looking in to doing again or maybe even do a night class. I am lucky that I have a niece and nephew that I can dote on and my sister will allow me to. Adoption may be an option but something we will discuss next year, we need to concentrate on each other especially after all the surgery I have had. My husband is so special to me. I may start to keep a journal as I feel it will help me especially when I'm feeling low and I don't have anyone to talk to. I've got my appointment with my gp on Thursday to discuss starting the menopause (I will be 40 at the end of the month - lovely present) if it helps the endo pain and gives me a better quality of life I'll be content. Your words have touched me in so many ways I keep reading them over and over I'm so glad I posted on this site, thank you for replying.

  • Huge hugs xxx

    I struggle a lot with my infertility and theft is no magic answer unfortunately. I feel like I have let my husband down.

    Have you looked at infertility UK? They have lots of advice and support groups around the UK.

    We have applied to adopt now, it's a long long process but it's a road we must travel :)

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do, please take care and don't be too hard on yourself xxx

  • Thanks for replying and for the web link I'll have a look. Adoption may be something we will be looking at next year firstly I need make sure I recover from the bowel surgery and reconnect with my husband as he is so special to me. I too feel like I have let him down but we get our strength from each other.

    Good luck with the adoption process I'm sure you will be great parents.

  • Sweetheart just wanted to say you are def in the right place for compassionate understanding ears to listen. I feel so awful for you and it's such a shame - you've been utterly failed by the system. This is medical negligence and I would sue the ass off the nhs. The illness is treated to unfavourably and this is the result. It isn't on. I'm furious for you but you are so strong with a great husband and that will get you through. Xx

  • Your post touched a nerve with me and as a late forty ish endo sufferer I have finally had to accept Im never going to be a mum. I lost 5 babies and due to age/endo thats the end of the road. It gets a bit easier with time and I get alot of comfort from my lovely little dog but I know that deep heartache which comes when friends/family want you to coo over their newborns. If you ever need support/chat or a friend in the same boat please do pm me. You will get through this. Sending you hugs

  • Thanks for your reply and the hug. I will be turning 40 in a couple of weeks and not being a mum is something I never dreamed would happen. I feel robbed that I was never given the chance. I'm feeling for you as you have been on or are on your own emotional roller coaster. Thanks for the offer to pm you. I'm off to see the gp on Thursday to discuss the menopause injections to help with the endo pain, is this something you have experienced. Sending you a hug.

  • Hi kerryj. Thanks for replying. I know just how you feel and the turning 40 thing seems to rub in the fact.

    I was on zoladex injections for 2

    Years and initially my migraines were horrendous and I gained two stone but I did get better and have more energy on it.

    I have even tried adoption which failed as did my marriage as he didnt want it. Im re-married and now a stepmum. The sadness of never having my own never goes though as being stepmum not always easy!

    Please do keep in touch as I have been through every emotion on the baby subject. Big hugs x

  • Aw hun, you're really going through it. I was told for 7 years I couldn't carry a pregnancy to term after 11 miscarriages. My then husband and I went away for a weekend and I came back pregnant, managed to carry almost full term and now have a wonderful 13 year old daughter as well as an 11 year old daughter. I understand you feel time is against you but with today's medical technology you never know. I understand you're emotional battles I really do and maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, but sometimes the professionals can be wrong. Try and keep with it, you'll get help and support if you ask for it. Try your GP or an Internet search engines. Here if you need me, Eve x

  • Hey, I'm so sorry, I don't know about any support groups, maybe ask your GP or use this site as a support group. I'm sure other ladies are in a similar suituation or could at least help when you are feeling down

    Xx

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