Recovery times?

Iv got my lap date for 22 april. My sisters hen do is 26th April at a nightclub in Central London. Will I be ok for it? My last lap I had a HUGE infection after that required extensive surgery 3 days after my lap so I don't know how it feels to recover normally?

My sister thinks all this pain is in my head, even though iv had a diagnosis. She doesn't understand what it's like to get sick as she's never poorly. I had to cancel going to her dress fitting because of pain and she got really mad at me :-( how mad will she get about her hen do :-(

Any advice will be welcome x x x

56 Replies

  • Hi jofus89,

    This is a question which is similar to something like how long is a piece of string really as everyone is different & therefore our bodies deal with certain things such as a laparoscopy in different ways.

    My guess is as you have already experienced this you could may well be lucky this time & recover quite quickly as your physical and mental state sort of knows what to expect.


  • Also, perhaps email your sister and ask her to watch these links. My sisters are only really 'getting it' now (even though it's very sad they had to 'hear' it from someone else to 'believe' it).

    Please please get your family to watch all three of these videos.

  • I didnt think I'd be well enough :-(

    She can't change the date because we have arranged it so friends and family have already booked flights ect to come. We also chose that weekend because it's the one weekend we could all do with regards to shifts ect. Iv paid the deposit for the venue and I can't afford to loose it.

    I am scared of her response because she never tells me what iv done to upset her, she Go's straight to our mum and bitches to her and poor mum is stuck in the middle. My sister has never been ill and is convinced all pain can be cured by paracetamol or a hot water bottle. According to her me and my mum are over reacting and my mum is wrapping me in cotton wool by 'letting me take time off work'!!! She won't even attempt to listen to me about my problems and she doesn't even want to hear that it's not me asking for time off it's my dr refusing to sign me fit :-(

    She's going to give me mum so much grief when I tell her I can't come x x x

  • Okay, I understand that your sister can't rearrange, that is fair enough. But, you need to show her those links I copied below. Your sister, sorry to say it, sounds selfish and a bit of a bully. I hate to accuse someone I don't know at all, but it's because I have been in the same situation as you and totally relate to it.

    One member of my family actually laughed out loud when he found out I was taking a 6 month career break to recover from ops, try and conceive etc. I am now a cold cow back to him. He gave me no respect, so I give him none back.

    Your sister may well just be misinformed about how serious endo is, and she may not understand your plight enough. Show her the videos. If she doesn't understand then, then it really reflects the kind of person she is. If she really cared about you being there, she'd also care and be understanding that you can't be there due to surgery.

    if she doesn't understand that, then quite frankly, she is an incredibly harsh person.

  • No matter what we discuss here, or what our opinions are - standard sign off and recovery time is 2 weeks - which means your surgeon doesn't want you working or cleaning or doing much in the two weeks, other than getting up and walking around the house - certainly not a nightclub. Seriously you would be crazy. What if someone walks into you, knocks you? People are often drunk and dancing in nightclubs and its putting your recovery at risk as far as I see it.

  • And if your sister disagrees, just recommend to her (or via your mum), that she can contact your surgeon direct to get him to give you a 'nightclub' pass post surgery. Somehow, I don't think she'll do that.

  • I guess she kind of is a bully. She has this amazing ability to make me feel like shit. She is one of those people that everything has been very easy for her. School was easy, uni was easy ans getting a decent career was easy. Me on the other hand is severely dyslexic and found school very hard, as a result I'm finding it very hard to get into uni. I'm 24 and I'm still struggling to get a C in GCSE maths which is all I need now to get onto my nursing course.

    I don't really care what she thinks about me it's just that she makes my mum so sad by telling her off. No mum likes to see her two kids argue over something that can't be fixed. Iv sent her the links and she's text my mum saying I'm forcing the subject on her.

    She doesn't want to know.

    Last year when I had a massive abcess after my diagnostic lap she would let me tell her what had happened because it made her feel sick. She can't handle medical stuff and it makes her hard and un caring x x

  • Hi Jofus89,

    Your sister sounds like she might be weirdly envious of any 'special' treatment your Mum might show towards you. Weddings can often cause perfectly normal people to mutate into self centred prima donnas. Perhaps her blinkered perception is (incorrectly) that you don't care about her wedding and are stealing her thunder in some way! There is some insecurity going on with her. I should think she likes to control things and can't deal with aberrations such as ill health spoiling her (narrow) view of the world.

    Your health is more important than a dress or a hen do. If she does throw her toys out of the pram re the hen do I would second Yellowrose's great suggestion of getting her to ask your doctor for a pass!

    Tell her that you'll be well clear of the op by the wedding and that's the main thing....well it isn't really, your health is. It might sound selfish but you have to put yourself first even if that does mean a major tantrum.

    Good luck with the op....and the maths!

  • I am surprised she found anyone to marry her with that kind of attitude to the people in her family. I wouldn't go to the hen do, and nor would I waste any money on a decent wedding present as I suspect when her hubby to be finds out what she is really like the marriage won't last much longer - you won't have wasted too much of your money and can have the satisfaction of a quiet gloat at your sister's expense.

    She has a lot of growing up to do. It would do her lot of good to not have everything her own way. She does sound to me rather spoilt madam.

    If your sister gets mad at you, slam down the phone, or shut your bedroom door and keep her out. Your No.1 priority is you and your own welfare. If your sis has chums flying in for her Hen party she will have enough to keep her occupied, and won't give a stuff or have the time to give a stuff as to how you are coping or feeling after the op.

    Save your money and your sanity.

  • I feel bad, she isn't a bad person she just is a classic case of being really intelligent but really thick about life.

    I would never wish that her marriage breaks down as her hubby to be is a lovely lovely man and they are such a great couple. If anything it will be him that understands me better then her and makes her be nice to me.

    She isn't getting a wedding gift anyway, I'm an nhs band 2 employee who's ran out of sick pay and iv been off for 5 weeks now so I have no money for a gift.

    I'm actually devistated that I'm going to miss her hen night :-( I'm her only bridesmaid and iv failed in all my duties so far because of this stupid operation and it's pre op drugs :'(

  • Thank you, some lovely ideas :-)

    This forum has really helped me this last week. I was feeling so alone since I found out my sister and dad think the pain is in my head x x

  • My mum understands, she had problems when she was younger.

    My mum will lend me money, I just feel bad about it.

    I'm quite sad I can't go, iv never been to a hen party before and she is my only sibling so it's quite important. Even if I could get the money back I wouldn't do that to my sister as it would mean she has to have the party somewhere else and we might not be able to get the same night as cheap as we did. We can't do a different date, it's to late to change. One of our cousins is flying in from Canada just for the weekend as she is posted away with the navy x x

  • How about you and your mum suggest to her that you will arrange a little afternoon tea on the afternoon before the Hen night, for just a small group or just the close family? You could make / buy some little cupcakes and sliced afternoon tea style sandwiches, and nice balloons, some confetti on the table around the cupcakes. And a cheap bottle of sparkling wine maybe.

    I do understand, you want to be there but I do think a club is a dangerous place to be post lap. Make it a little French tea party, or something sweet like that - it will show you care.

    Maybe order some little invites, and give it to your sister explaining that you'd love to do that as you don't want to miss out.

    I know sisters can be horrible at times but it doesn't me we don't wanna be there and be part of their life. So do the right thing and organise, with your mum, the 'Afternoon Hen Tea'. I think your sister will love it. I hope. xx

  • How about making her and her hubby a cross stitched picture commemorating their big day, won't cost much to buy the kits and it will keep you occupied sewing it for the big event.

    Something like this traditional one

    or this

    or several on here

    I really like the Art Deco one.

    so the value is not in the actual cost of materials but in the time spent creating the unique gift. Even if your sis is not so keen, perhaps your brother in law to be will appreciate the effort.

    I am thinking he'd have to be a bit of a saint to take her on.

    A project like this is one you need to get started on asap and it would give you occupational therapy while recovering from the surgery too.

    Just a thought - I'll leave it up to you.

  • Thank you, that's a good idea :-)

    She's not heartless, she'd appreciate the effort even if she didn't like the item.

    I'll give one a go, although my pain patch is making it hard for me to see properly :-/ x

  • No need to be sorry, your advice has been very helpful to me!!!

    My sister hasn't mutated, she's been this ignorant her whole life. When I broke my leg and had pins in it she couldn't understand why I wouldn't go shopping the day after I got out of hospital haha. I broke my ribs when my parents where on holiday and she actually came home to make sure I was ok!!! I had to call my mum and tell her it was that much of a shock haha. When her other half had a load of teeth removed she got really funny at him for not wanting the dinner she cooked. She just genuinely doesn't understand why pain stops people.

    Iv just called the hospital, I can change my op date to either the day before her wedding or the day before I go on holiday. I think missing her hen party is something that I'll just have to accept x z z

  • So if your sister is like this with even her future husband, then it's not directly personal at you. Although, actually, it is personal, to anyone she treats that way.

    She sounds like she has a moderate to severe case of Princess Complex, it's an actual disease you know ;-0 , or at least it should be, lol. We're stage 4 Endo, she is Stage 4 Princess - she needs treatment for the disease just as we do. :-)

  • Haha she's actually not a princess, she's just a bit of an idiot with regards to medical issues!!! I don't know how that happened though with both our parents being nurses haha. I'm going to call her tomorrow and tell her I can't come :-/ iv just seen my dr for my prostap jab and he told me I'd be stupid to try and go out in London 4 days after. I'm actually devastated that I can't go, iv put so much into organising it all and I won't even be there :-( x x

  • I've just been reading the above (bits of it), is it possible for you to ask if you can move the op date to following week instead, I know it's hard because you need op and you wanted to get your body sorted, but was thinking about you trying to keep the piece xxx

  • Iv tried that. My only other options for op dates are the day before her wedding in May or the day before my holiday in July. This op iv got in April is because they have given me a cancelation appointment. Someone has canceled so iv been bumped up the list as I'm having such a bad time on my pre op meds x x

  • Please don't cancel the op! I also have never been to a good hen do but surprisingly I've been invited to 3 stag do's 2 of which were good. I didn't have a hen do but went to my husband's stag instead! I think I've been to one wedding that I honestly enjoyed...and it wasn't my own! ha ha!

    I moved my holiday at great expense to attend my sister's wedding and I really regret it now. It was the most unenjoyable wedding I've ever been to and she turned into a complete cow soon after.

    Weddings aren't everything. The most important part of the whole 'drama' is the actual marriage; everything else is superfluous in my opinion.

    Can we all come to the afternoon tea party? Sounds like better fun than getting drunk in a London club!

  • Peace not piece.

    Poor you, it's really not going your way-maybe as suggested above, or doing something nice the weekend before your op, wish you the very best x

  • She's actually blocked me on Facebook and my number all because I couldn't make it to a dress fitting the other day!!! I am really quite poorly at the moment and couldn't see how I was expected to drive te hour to her house at 7am and then spend the day walking round London!!!

    It's this days that she said to my mum that the pain is in my head and my mum is letting me get away with being ill. It's my poor mum who takes me to a&e every few weeks when I collapse or pass out from pain. Maybe if she'd ever made an effort to come see me in hospital she might see the problem first had. Maybe if she's made an effort to see me in the last 4 weeks she'd have seen how this prostap has affected me and I'm now at least 7" wider and 16lb heavier then when I saw her 5 weeks ago. But no, her attitude is I'm off sick so I can drive to hers? Yet when I'm working I still have to do the driving because she's a teacher and that's more important then my job. Ahhhh I'm so angry!!!! I can't believe she would completely neglect her only sisters feelings. Fuck her hen party, I'm getting my money back and she can sort it. Iv got the receipts for all the party bag stuff so I'll take that back to the shop. If she won't talk to me then she won't be able to know that she needs to organise something else. Rant over, sorry x x

  • Oh I really feel for you. No need to apologise for your rant. Your sister clearly has problems and is very immature and lacks emotional intelligence. I think for your own sake you need to give her a wide berth and concentrate very much on nurturing yourself otherwise she will steal all your energy. Something about illness scares her. I'd say it represents failure to her which she doesn't appear to have experienced in life...yet and that's what she fears the most.

    Be kind to yourself today and try not to let all this get to you. You don't need to be a punch bag in someone else's drama even if they are your sister. Concentrate on your own priorities such as your upcoming operation and try to eat as healthily as you can and go for walks if you are not in pain. Maybe confide in a friend. I have found that friends make better sisters! Take care. x

  • Your sister is being very childish not trying to understand her sister has an illness and unfair by realizing that actually life just isn't about her, I had my first laparoscopy on Wednesday 19th and they kept me in for two nights I got home yesterday and I am not upto going out of the house, I know everybody is different but it's a struggle for me to get out the bed and it is very uncomfortable when I walk, I had a Fallopian tube removed and the other was opened up and had I have a lot of adhesions so think they just opened it a little. I look pregnant my belly is very swollen, it's sore to touch have to wear baggy clothing and I'm bleeding the tablets are making me feel very tired and nausea and you can't drink on them ,not that I would want too lol,just saying that everybody is different but you aren't going to feel very comfortable out socialising ,getting home yesterday was bad enough and has made me bleed more, right now I'm not even considering leaving my house . If I was in your position If she doesn't understand or want to try and understand then I wouldn't care about her opinion ,she's very selfish and if she falls out with you then I wouldn't give her the time of day this is your life and illness she's supposed to be your sister and be there for you

  • You need to start matching her behaviour - which means doing exactly the same to her as she does to you. This is an actual established NLP approach. Selfish people need this to understand and reflect (maybe) on their own behaviour.

    So, block her on Facebook, don't talk to her and don't take any more crap from her.

    Have you emailed those videos on endometriosis to your family yet? I suggest you get you Mum to sit your Dad and her down to watch these.

    Your sister, by blocking you, is being very passive aggressive. And, as discussed yesterday - she really is being a bully and her attitude seems to be all 'me me me' which is quite frankly, unforgivable.

    You just need to avoid her for the time being, and focus on yourself. You are unwell and you SHOULD be getting support from your family, not a hard time. Poor you. Just vent on here when needed, you need an outlet rather than to keep it to yourself.

  • An extract of a text she sent this morning... I haven't even told her about the hen do yet :-/

    ---You're ALWAYS sick. A headache, a cold, flu, tummy upset, kidneys. There is always something and I don't believe you are sicker than everybody else. I haven't taken a sick day in 6 years. Just man up and get on with it!

  • She's blocked me on Facebook and told my mum she won't spend Mother's Day with us incase I'm ill and need to cancel. It upsets me more that she's hurting my mum but refusing to let me educate her.

    If I tell her now that I can't come to the hen do she will think I'm saying it out of spite x x x

  • Your sister is holding you and your MUM on Mothers Day to ransom.

    She is seriously messed up, threatening not just you but NOW YOUR MUM!! WHOA to that.

    Re the HEN - she should know that you not coming to her HEN do is nothing to do with spite, so don't worry about that.

    You need to stop thinking about her, because believe me, SHE IS NOT thinking about YOU AT ALL.

  • I'm not worried about her, she'll have a better night without me there. I'm more worried about the emotional punchbag she's about to turn my mum into. She's never mean to mum she just puts her in the middle all time, kind of like she is trying to get mum to take sides. X

  • Oh my God! I cannot believe what I am reading in respect of your sister's behaviour but at the same time I can relate to it unfortunately. Remember the mantra ' You can pick your friends but not your family'! It is sad but I have found from many years of unfortunate experience (I am in my late 40's) that sometimes family members are not always the best people to have in your life because they are not always the nicest OR the most caring and trustworthy. We are very often force-fed this twee picture of happy families around the dinner table where there is no jealousy or backstabbing or sibling rivalry or bitching and everyone just lurves each other soooo much. Crap! Life isn't like that! I haven't spoken to or had anything to do with my brother for over 12 years now. He is still a jealous Mummy's boy at 46 and always will be. I do send presents to his kids at Christmas and cards for their birthdays but have only ever seen them both once and that was at my Mum's when he wasn't there. He has managed to upset one of my adult daughters and actually blocked her and her younger sister (his nieces!!) on Facebook. He fell out with my daughter because she took offence to him being bitchy about me and my husband to her (men CAN be bitches too!) When my eldest 2 daughters' Dad died at the age of 46 18 months ago he said all the oldest one would be worried about was whether she was going to get his money not the fact that she had lost her Dad at the age of 21! That is the type of person he is unfortunately! It was hard for my Mum at first but we have a really good relationship; I just make sure I visit when he isn't visiting her. I don't expect her to take sides. I don't envy the fact that you still have to be your sister's bridesmaid after her disgusting attitude towards you; unless you tell her to stick it now which will be very hard to do! But what I will say is that as much as it hurts sometimes you need to keep certain people at arms' length for your own sake and sanity and so unless she has a personality transplant and pleads forgiveness for her behaviour, I would keep her at arms' length if I were you and have no contact (maybe after the wedding?). Your Mum will learn to live with the situation; it is not easy but it can be done. Big cyber hugs to you. XXXXX

  • It would destroy my mum if we stopped talking completely. And my mum would never forgive me if I didn't go to her wedding. It would also cause massive issues between my parents as my dad has also said he thinks it's in my head. X x

  • Also with my dad if he took the time to talk to me or come with me to hospital he would understand. He doesn't like being sat in a&e so he never hears what the dr says 1st hand x

  • Surely your Mum and Dad must see what she is like? No parent wants to admit that one of their children is not the nicest person around but even so....I have 3 daughters and when they all lived at home together they used to fight all the time. The oldest two are very different personalities and I admit one was a lot of trouble when she was younger; more than the other one but I still love them equally whatever. The troublesome one can still be awkward and she is hard to 'like' sometimes though. It can be very difficult as they do still get 'jealous' of each other if they think one gets more attention than the other and I am often piggy in the middle so I sympathise with the pressure your Mum must be under. However, I think it suits your sister and Dad to say that basically you are being a drama queen, for their own individual reasons. Your sister, because she feels you get all the attention and she is jealous, and your Dad, because he is scared of something he doesn't understand and would prefer to pretend isn't happening. I do realise that maybe in your situation it would maybe cause my harm than good within your family to blank your sister completely but you say your Mum understands so couldn't she try and educate them both? If not, then maybe you should try and switch off from their narrow-minded opinions and not let what they think matter to you if you can. You will also get all the support and understanding you need from everyone on this forum anyway. You and your sister are clearly never going to be best mates but then not all sisters are. Only your Mum's support matters at the end of the day. She will be there for you whatever happens I imagine. I would never choose one of my daughters over another and that's what makes it hard work sometimes. I feel as if I am forever juggling my 3 daughters' emotions and problems all the time but I do it because I am their Mum and I wouldn't have it any other way! x

  • I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to have 6 daughters; makes my 3 look like a walk in the park! LOL How lovely that you speak about your Mum like that. She is a lucky lady. Yes it is definitely the toughest job in the world but at times the most rewarding! You are going to have IVF because you have that feeling of love inside you that you want to give to a child; I wish you the very best of luck! x

  • Nope mum doesn't have one. She said she blocked me because she's fed up of me complaining about illness. Iv checked, iv had 3 illness status's since Christmas :-( not many!!! X

  • Scooteeder, Brownlow, Impatient - anyone?? , have any ideas how this poor young girl can stop her sister treating her this way. It's very bad for her health as she approaches surgery. I am quite worried.

  • I don't know if it's connected but today is the first time since I started prostap 8 weeks ago that iv had really bad belly ache, my tummy has swollen right out and I'm feeling pretty poo :-(

  • It really hurts :-(

  • Could you reply to her text message, asking her the following:

    "What is your higher intention here? All this abuse, the accusatory tones to everything you say, and now holding mum and Mothers Day to ransom - what do you want out of it?

    Do you think, that because YOU DISAGREE with my MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS, that this means it does not exist? Are you now a trained MEDIC?

    Do you think, that throwing your toys out of the pram means that I will suddenly become well? Do you really think that, in your disapproval of my surgeons and doctors diagnosis, that I will just recover - just because my illness inconveniences YOU? You actually think, that in accusing me of all this, that I will recover. Do you think your opinion makes any difference to my well being?

    Please, let me know what your intended outcome to this behaviour is?"

    And just leave it at this. If she replies back to this, ignore her.

  • Personally, if I received a text message like that from my sister, I would send a text message back like that I wrote above. Please, do that - respond, reply, react - don't be a victim of hers and take it lying down - you are worth more than this. She is highly irresponsible for accusing you of all this before you have surgery and whilst you are on such powerful drugs.

    Anyway, the reply you are sending her is just asking her questions, and its not aggressive like hers was. You have NOTHING to lose. xx

  • This is what I said.

    Yes I am ALWAYS sick, I have a disease Nic, there is a reason for me being ill!!!! I haven't had a cold in years and iv never had flu. But the rest are all connected to the same condition and if you ever let me talk to you about it you'd understand!!! I'm so jealous if you and your perfect body that doesn't get sick all the time!!! Unfortunately the only way to even attempt to completely cure me would be a complete hysterectomy and forced menopause, even then it won't work 100% unless I have my bowel removed and fitted with a colostomy bag.

    I hope you never feel the pain I get in my stomach on a near daily basis and then someone tell you to man up. It's only luck you didn't get it because it runs in family's. Mum had it. Hers was cured by having kids and a hysto. Talking of kids, my chances if having one are pretty slim because my left ovary and tube are blocked and caked in cysts. I might be having it removed. My other tube is starting to clog. So I'd probably either have an eptopic or miscarry. It's ok though I'll just man up and get over it.

    I'd love to know what I ever done to you to make you be so spiteful.

  • Good reply. I think that says it all really.

    But - she has made you go into justification which you should not have to do. Ask her to let you know what her cure for endometriosis is, seen as she is so certain of it and how it doesn't cause pain, and ask her to let the medical profession and all the sufferers world wide know what her cure is - we'd all really appreciate it. Is she a qualified endometriosis gynaecologist? Ask her to come along to your next surgery, and she can ask WHY the stupid surgeon is OPERATING for NO reason - seen as this is a disease with NO SYMPTOMS, according to her. She is being just as sexist and prejudicial as all the other people who don't think this is an actual disease because it only affects women.

  • I wouldn't be surprised if she's never heard of endo. And because she's never heard of it then it can't be a bad condition. She had very little medical knowledge, she's an English teacher who can't even watching holby city without being sick she's that squweemish.

    I really wish I could make her spend one day in my body. The first day if my period would be a good one because she would feel so much more sympathy just experiencing that one day. And maybe one day of what the prostap is doing to me. She'd never bad mouth me again x

  • How old is your sister? The funny thing is, if she is only in her 20s or early 30's, she could still get the disease. But, typically, horrible people like her don't, and go on to have children with no issue, bringing little versions of themselves into the world with all their prejudicial views on things. It's very sad.

    And the fact she is a teacher, worries me. I wouldn't want someone like her teaching my children, if I were lucky enough to have them. Sorry but she just sounds horrible to me. One of these people that breeze through life with no concern for anyone but themselves and their own ambitions.

  • She'll be 30 in May. She's five years and one week older then me :-)

    To me she's acting how she used to act when we where kids. I thought she's grown up. Although when I was younger it was why wouldn't I learn as quick as her and why wasn't I even trying the 11+. Until teacher training and meeting her soon to be hubby she had no idea about dyslexia and thought it was just lazy ness.

    When I was 14 and my period pains got to the point I was being hospitalised monthly she used to say things like no one gets period pains that bad I'm just playing up. I used to be in that much pain if literally poo myself :-( I don't call that playing up. Because I only got diagnosed last year I'm wandering if the fact it took them 10 years made her think it was in my head. 5 of those years I had a coil so it wasn't as obvious as regular :-( x x

  • Well, your sister has had years to look it up and read about it. She simply sounds narrow minded to me, out for what she can get in life, without thought or reflection for those less fortunate than herself. I know who I'd rather be, and I'd rather it be me, or you, with this disease. Selfishness is a very, all too common trait with people. And I'm not saying that there aren't also some very good people in the world, because there really are. Lucky I know some of them, but just not as many as I'd like :-)

  • I've just arrived home after a day out to take my mind off endo. I think anyone on the forum reading this thread will be upset on your behalf but also by proxy. I am actually hurt by her views on people who are ill with endo. You say she's intelligent yet I haven't come across someone this stupid in a long time. I think perhaps you have been lulled into believing that she is perfect but she does not behave like a balanced and happy human. Don't be fooled by the veneer.

    I'm so glad you wrote that text to her and stood up for yourself.

    Yellowrose's idea to copy her behaviour is quite funny because if you respond in kind, you can say that as she is your older, fabulous sister you are simply following her example! It's a dangerous route to take though as it also means that you descend to her level instead of being the bigger person in all this and you run the risk of being called...a bully!

    The other idea I had is rather outlandish but I think that at the very least it would be useful for you to know about this. Your sister is a family member. She is abusing you psychologically and emotionally and is putting your health in danger. That amounts to domestic abuse. You are absolutely within your rights to report her to the police and show them the text as part of your evidence. I just looked up on google and you might find this useful It says:

    "Domestic abuse is any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults (aged 18 or over) who are or who have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality". (Association of Chief Police Officers, 2005)

    Domestic abuse does not require the elements of violence or threatening behaviour to qualify as abuse. Our typical view of domestic abuse is violence at the hands of a spouse but that does not have to be the case.

    Reporting her and letting her know would escalate everything to a tornado. You could ask her to reconsider her behaviour or you will report her. You could report her anyway to get it on record and not tell her. That alone would give you some strength. Knowing that you have this as an option will make you feel stronger even if you do not act on it.

    I also found this useful article

    Make no mistake she is trying to hurt you and she is succeeding.

  • I'm with Brownlow, I actually think she is trying to hurt you. I don't doubt for a minute that she knows what she is doing here. It is verging on abuse, it really is.

    When my sisters were horrid to me after my ops, it floored me so so much that is DID massively impact my recovery. I think it's actually why I never recovered from my first surgery, I was actually so low about having to avoid my sisters - but I HAD to, for my own sanity as I could no longer take the insults.

  • Hi "Jofus",

    Read your post, after I was messaged by another Endo Member (see, we all try to help each other out, and spread the word {hmm, sounds a bit "Bible-Basher" does that!}, should I say, increase people's awareness of Endo). It looks like you could really do with a bit of a "pick me up" here, and a little clearer perspective.

    I'll apologize now, as my response is going to be a pretty long one - however, I'd like to try and help as much as I can, especially because I've dealt with similar sorts of things going on in my family in the past. I know what it feels like!

    It is a difficult one, I must admit. The fact that we all have very different families probably makes it harder to comment on. Some families are very close, whilst others hardly seem a family, at all.

    Personally, I think your response should depend upon an "assessment" of your family. I'm NOT saying sit down with a form, and interview them all! I'm just suggesting that you think hard about what sort of family, and family members, you have. In your head, you need to be answering the following questions:

    a) Are your family really close, or not? (Think about this carefully - you need to be asking yourself how often your family meet up. Whether this is by mutual agreement, or whether it feels "forced" by some family members more than others. Ask yourself if family would be distressed not to meet up really often; or whether they would not be particularly bothered. Think about whether you all lead pretty separate, individual lives; or whether you are the sort of family where everyone knows everyone else's business.) At the end of the day, YOU will know if your family GENUINELY ARE a close-knit "Waltons" type family, or whether you are a collection of related people who happily live separate lives.

    b) Is there really an atmosphere of mutual support and understanding in your family, or not? (Again, think carefully - what I am asking you to consider, here, is whether EVERYONE in your family is treated EQUALLY. What that basically means is that family relationships are two-way things - giving and receiving. You need to ask whether you live in the sort of family where you can talk openly and honestly about yourself, and your issues, and know that it will be listened-to impartially. You need to be aware of whether family will support you, or not. Also, you need to ask whether there are "family favourites", or not - whether certain family members get preferential treatment. Think particularly about your sister, and ask whether she is the sort of person you know you could confide in; or whether there is something that would stop you. Think carefully about what it is that might stop you, and what this reveals about your sister. Ask yourself the same questions about the wider family).

    I know this maybe all sounds a little weird... but it comes from personal experience! It is very easy to feel somehow "lost" when you have a disease like Endo. Your life does not fit the "norm". You end up "putting on a brave face" to please other people, or to spare their feelings. You end up forced to do things you would rather not do, just to avoid accidentally hurting other people's feelings. However, ALL the time you are doing this, YOU are still hurting. Worse still, many of the people around you may not even be aware!

    When you have a chronic illness like Endo, that is also invisible, it makes life difficult. You look well on the surface, but YOU are well aware that this is NOT the case. Other people CANNOT see your Endo, your pain, your fatigue, your infertility, your adhesions, your cysts... These are NOT blatantly obvious. YOU look like the old you - the "before Endo" you. However, you are now struggling to cope with your life, as well as having a debilitating illness. Things that OTHER PEOPLE TAKE FOR GRANTED are things that YOU cannot!

    So, you need to think carefully about your interactions with other people - and about the level of support you have from the people about you. There may be times when it costs you TOO MUCH, both physically and emotionally, to "fake it" for the sake of other people. Therefore, you have to know whether those people would be capable of understanding the truth - and of supporting you. If you were to tell your family members the TRUTH in terms of what is going on for you, you need to know whether they would understand, and offer assistance - whether they could actually help you to find a better way of dealing with things. Or not.

    Some people WILL understand. They are the people you can talk openly to, without fear, shame or embarrassment. THEY are GENUINE, CARING people. They do not necessarily have to be family (the saying "blood is thicker than water" is NONSENSE!) - they can be friends, people you are utterly not related to. However, they will listen, try to empathize, and will allow for discussion of the issues. They will also help find appropriate solutions that work both for YOU and for THEM.

    Other people WILL NOT understand - they won't have a clue! You will find them hard, or impossible, to talk openly to. These are the sort of people who only want to talk about THEMSELVES and THEIR issues. You will recognise the sort! A relationship with THEM is a one-way thing. They drain you - YOU listen, YOU give your time, YOU give your support, attention, advice, praise etc... In return, this sort of person is NEVER about when YOU need them, and is NOT really interested in YOUR issues. Sadly, THIS SORT OF PERSON CAN JUST AS EASILY BE A FAMILY MEMBER, AS SOMEBODY NOT RELATED TO YOU. Basically, what this sort of person is, is SELFISH!

    In a nutshell, your decisions about contact with people could, if you chose, be based upon how those people TREAT YOU. When you are going through difficult times, you need to be surrounded by supportive people, and NOT by people who haven't a clue! So, if your sister is somebody you can talk openly to, and who is generally a supportive and understanding person, try telling her what is going on. It may not be easy, but at least then it is out in the open, and you can work out a way of taking things forward. However, if she is the sort of person who just wants to be centre of attention, showing off, totally insensitive towards your feelings; maybe you need to think about reducing the level of contact you have with her. This is NOT wrong. It is simply prudent. As I said, some people you just CANNOT have an open conversation with, it is all about THEM. If THIS is your sister, then YOU need to take charge, and make decisions based on YOUR needs (NOT hers all the time).

    You MUST remember that there are certain occasions in people's lives that can REALLY make them behave downright bizarrely! I've noted that ENGAGEMENTS, WEDDINGS, MOVING HOUSE, HOLIDAYS, HAVING BABIES, GETTING A NEW JOB - things like this can ALL seem to trigger very peculiar behaviour in some people. Here's why I think it happens (remember, THIS is only my perspective, so it's NOT guaranteed to be right - it's just something to think on). People ALL have different personalities, different lifestyles, different goals, and different experiences in life. These things interact to make us who we are. Even though you are from the same family, you and your sister can actually be VERY different people. This can be due to BIRTH ORDER (i.e. who is oldest), whether one is "favourite", how similar of different you each are to your parents, which parent you get on better with, and so forth. Different children in the same family can grow up to be very dissimilar, partly because their parents may treat them differently (due to interests, personality, etc.), and partly because once they leave home their lives take very different paths.

    Think about your sister in terms of her lifestyle and personality. This may shed light on why she behaves the way she does. She may be used to "having things all her way", and has never been challenged or told "NO"! Has she been "spoiled" by your parents in the past? This may explain her behaviour. She may be very insecure or anxious on the quiet, and is so desperate for her wedding to go without a hitch, that she panics, getting agitated and aggressive whenever anything looks set to upset her plans. She may be a "perfectionist" or constant "worrywort" behind the scenes; somebody who puts on a "front", pretending to cope, but actually gets really anxious that things won't be as she wants them. Look for signs that she may actually be a bit agitated (getting flustered, needing reminding of plans, getting "edgy" or aggressive if things don't go her way) - a hidden anxiety that her wedding may not go to plan could explain her behaviour.

    Think about whether your sister is naturally bossy, or competitive. Is she jealous by nature? It might help to know whether her fiance is somebody who stands up to her; or whether he lets her have her own way all the time. If HE has to back down to your sister, it is clear that she likes to "rule the roost" - therefore bossiness and a stubborn streak may explain her behaviour. If you can think of times in the past where your sister has been openly competitive, or jealous of you (maybe she thought you got more attention off your parents, or were prettier, or thinner - something like that), then perhaps jealousy and competition could fuel her behaviour.

    Sometimes, the sad fact is that "big" events in people's lives can show them in their unpleasant nature. It is maybe because "big" events are ones that have major consequences for us - things that we cannot afford to get wrong, or make mistakes in. They are things that have LIFELONG consequences - marriage, moving house, having a baby. Therefore, people behave during such events in ways they might otherwise not - for a whole host of reasons (as above). MANY women can become "Bridezillas" ; it is as though THEIR wedding becomes the ONLY thing they can focus on in life! Pathetic, really, but true! They become sort of OBSESSED!

    My own sister-in-law became the MOST HIDEOUS BRIDEZILLA during her wedding time. She HAD TO HAVE the BIGGEST wedding, the MOST EXPENSIVE car, the FLOUNCIEST dress, the MOST bridesmaids and ushers. EVERYTHING and ANYTHING was micro-managed and all about SHOWING OFF! Blimey! I even remember the airbrushed photos (she was at least size 18-20, and her photos make her look size 14!), as well as all the fussing about, the waiting in lines whilst she "greeted" all her guests! I remember the wedding video that she gave the title "Wedding of the year"! CAN you BELIEVE it? "Wedding of the year"! Like she was a Celebrity!! And I remember the wedding photos that she had taken, where she stood in the middle, and EVERY MAN who was a husband or partner of her family members (so MY hubby, her sister's hubby, her dad, my hubby's dad, her own hubby, his best man and ushers) all had to stand around her, waving their Top Hats in the air! TALK ABOUT STAGE MANAGED! THAT is the sure sign of a MEGA BRIDEZILLA!! Nobody else even came into it. Everyone had to do as she demanded!

    I guess that's just the way some women are. I see it as shallow and tacky, but THEY see it as their "dream wedding"! So, that's just the way it is. We ALL have different perspectives in life. Some women clearly just concentrate on "window dressing", others see beyond. Some women obsess about big weddings, whilst others aren't fussed. Only YOU and your sister will know where she fits into this.

    Endo (like any illness) can really make you look at things in a new light. Perhaps for the first time, you may find yourself evaluating your situation, and the people you have in your life. This CAN be daunting (I know from experience), but at least you get to find out who you can truly trust and depend on. Sometimes, it is VERY HELPFUL to be aware of people in your life whose influence is actually HARMFUL (even if you had not thought about it before) - you can begin to manage your contact with them more effectively.

    Just because people are related, and family members, DOES NOT automatically make them any more sympathetic, understanding or caring. The nature of a person has little to do with this - it is more an issue of personality, life experience, things like that. Some people, no matter who they are, are just naturally more empathic and understanding than others. It may be that YOU fit into this category - as you are clearly asking questions of a nature that suggest you think carefully about people's feelings! However, your sensitive nature is not there to be taken advantage of. You do NOT always have to put other people's feelings before your own. Endo IS a difficult illness to explain, and to talk about with others, but I've sent you a few links to web pages where you may just find suggestions that help you to address this matter...

    also (and this one is really rather sweet, and amusing, but VERY relevant at the same time)...

    At the end of the day, it is up to you to decide on what's best. However, it can help sometimes to arm oneself with some information that aids you to step back a little from a situation and see it from a new perspective. I'm sorry this is such a long answer, but I tried to be as thorough as possible. I do understand that your situation can be frustrating - I, too, live with a diagnosis of Endo, and it CAN radically change things... Just remember that this is YOUR life, and you deserve and need to remain in charge. It's NOT always easy to make decisions regarding what to do and how to handle things, but remember that sometimes you have to do things based on what is best for you. Constant contact with people who cause you hurt and pain is NOT good for you, thus you need to find ways of making contact more appropriate, or more limited.

    I do wish you all the very best, and hope that you find a workable solution. Take it easy, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Remember that you are now trying to cope with an unfortunate disease, Endo, alongside everything else in your life. Search out the people who will support you, and listen to you. YOU need time, too! There are always women on this Forum willing to listen and offer support.

    Good luck with the lap & I hope that everything turns out the way you deserve,

    Take care,

    Elaine. x

  • Just remember, that no matter how you feel, at least us women with endometriosis are more attractive than women without it, according to this research.

    I posted this before and hope this helps cheer you up.

  • Woo hoo! There's always an upside!

    Now....where did I leave my hot water bottle?

  • I'm getting mine out too. On call dr been called. In agony. Will reply to all you lovely ladies tomorrow xxx

  • Take care Jofus, thinking of you. x

  • Hi Jofus89

    How are you feeling? i just came across your post and the responses too.

    I can really really relate to your issues with your sister. I have had very similar problems; more that my sisters don't show an interest in my health and totally shut off when i try to talk about it.

    I think part of it, with families, is fear. As much as your sister has behaved wrongly and make you feel horrible (and believe me, i've been there too, many times), i think a lot of it sounds like she wants to believe that your illness isn't "real" as she is scared of it.

    I know, we as the sufferers are terrified and have to go through hell, with the pain and the questions and the worry and the thoughts about our future - but often, our family members sort of deny it to themselves because they can't deal with it.

    I have come to realise that this is the case with me. I know deep down that they love me, as i am sure deep down your sister does, too. They just aren't there for us when we need them, in the way that we need them.

    It is a case of a lack of emotional intelligence, and a total lack of empathy on their part.

    The fact that your sister chose you to be her bridesmaid says a lot, i think. She is behaving extremely cruelly and i feel your pain, i was welling up reading what you wrote. However, this is not YOUR failure, but her failure to be able to accept the issues you are facing.

    I think it's irresponsible of people on here to be telling you to treat your sister the way she has treated you (not everyone, but certain members have put very strongly what they think you should do and it's pretty aggressive).

    You love your sister, as she loves you, but you are the mature one, even despite what you have to go through.

    You are a stronger person, emotionally, and this makes you a stronger human in comparison to her. Copying her behaviour won't make you feel better, because you are not that sort of person!

    I also suspect there is a strong case here of attention seeking - she wants the attention, and feels that you get more beause of your illness. Again, i am speaking here on first hand experience. Unfortunately, whatever age people reach, there is always an element of sibling rivalry, especially between sisters.

    This is a time when your sister should be there for you, but we can't change the way others behave. We can only control our response to their behaviour.

    I would not suggest writing nasty texts as some have suggested, nor do i think sinking to her level is the right thing to do. I would say the idea about a low key tea, or an event where you would be able to attend (be it very locally, or even at home, maybe a sort of girls' night in??) is a great one. This shows how much it means to you, and it might make her see how hard you are trying. It seems she is in denial of your suffering.

    I am the same - i have missed hugely important events, including weddings - the most important thing, however, is to be good to yourself and treat yourself with care and respect. This is something that is happening TO you, not something you have caused. You are doing amazingly well, believe me. Don't beat yourself up. We can only do what we are capable of, and unfortuantely, right now, our bodies aren't able to do lots of things and we miss out.

    Maybe writing a letter, in which you write everything you feel about the whole situation, no holds barred, would help? even if you never ended up giving it to her, just getting it all out and down on paper might take some weight off you.

    You don't deserve this behaviour, but people respond to illness differently. I can't say that she will change, but i am sure that she does love you and that she just finds it impossible to know how to cope with seeing you ill. You mentioned that your dad can't face going to a&e with you - perhaps she is a bit like that, in that she doesn't want to see you in that environment as she doesn't know how to deal with it. I am not saying this makes it ok, of course it doesn't, but it explains her behaviour as opposed to justifying it.

    Yes, it's immature and i KNOW how much it hurts (trust me) but remember, you are doing fantastically, and you can only do what you can do - this isn't your fault.

    I really really hope you are doing ok and find some help on this site. I also hope you have other people you can lean on.

    Lots of love


  • Hey , I had my ovary and a tumor removed (due to endo) and im afraid it was really a full week before I could even walk around properly .;I hired a walking stick from the hospital which came in handy.

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