I have never felt this low for this long in all the time I have known myself to be depressed. I know that its the time of the year but I think its more than that. the last few months I have been struggling with the realisation that my mother hated me. Many years shes verbally and emotionally abused me and I was told that maybe she's stressed, or she says things that she doesn't mean when she is angry. I just took it all and suffered in silence. Thing is, she never said she hated me, but I felt like she didn't like me. A few months ago she claimed she hated me 'with great hatred' (her exact words). Again, i thought it was just anger talk, but she proceeded to do and say other things and when I finally accepted that she really hated me, it was the worst moment of my life. Tried talking to another family member about it but again, i am told to get over it, that she is my mother and it doesn't matter that she said to me.
At first how she could hate me was what kept me up at night. My CBT therapist said it wasn't about me, that it was about her and in some ways I believe it. But then I started thinking that maybe she thinks I am not good enough to be her daughter, and a whole new depression starts with wondering why i wasn't good enough for her. i never done anything bad...not that I know of, yet she claims I have been hurting her since I was 16. She wasn't even around when I was 16. She says she wants nothing to do with me, that I was dead to her. On to this moment i am still trying to figure out what it was that I have done to make her feel this way about me. I contemplate approaching her but the thought of what she will say to me, i think I would rather not know than have to deal with the kind of things she will say to me.
You see, no one believes she is that way. She shows everyone a different face. i have 2 brothers that she adores more than anything else. They barely even speak to me too and I haven't done anything to them either. Sometimes I am ashamed that I get depressed because I pride myself on being a strong person, but I can barely sleep, I do't go through a day without either breaking down or be soo close to it. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I am trying, I really am...but i don't know what else to do. I lock myself away from people because I don't want them to see me in this state and it does not help that everything is breaking down around me. And the thought that I am alone this christmas - its a cold lonely world.
I really want to believe its going to be ok and in a way I do...I just dont know how....