Hi everyone, I'm new here and just really need someone to talk to. Sorry its a bit of a long one, but this is why I can't get the right advice because there are so many factors and its frustrating.
I'm a 24 year old graduate I've suffered from depression since I was about 13 years old but only started seeking help about four years ago. I am on medication and I have recently tried therapy but I've had to finish the course early due to relocating so I didn't get much out of it.
I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea only a few months ago. I now have CPAP treatment and I no longer feel tired all the time, which has been great, but I am still struggling with my confidence because of the knock-backs I've had from sickness in the past.
I have gone through a LOT of jobs, some I have tried my hardest to keep but ended up needing too much time off sick and getting sacked. Other jobs I have simply walked out of or quit because I hated it so much, sometimes only after a week of working. I have tried working self-employed but I lack any motivation to actually do any work without the structure of a workplace.
At the beginning of this year I was working as a sewing machinist which was a really nice easy job with friendly people and I enjoyed it, but I kept falling asleep on the machine which was dangerous so they had to let me go. This led to me being on ESA for 6 months until I was declared "fit for work" which meant that I had to sign onto Universal Credit instead and find a job again.
I got a part-time job in a sandwich shop - again, really easy work, nice people, I loved being able to cycle to work in the sun every day - but after 3 weeks for some reason I got really stressed out at home and felt suicidal and took myself to hospital which meant I missed a shift. When I told my manager as truthfully as I could why I wasn't at work she was not understanding at all and said if I had any more time off that she would sack me, so I quit because I'd asked for her support and was brushed off with a horrible "everyone has their problems, deal with it" attitude. I told her to fuck off because I was so frustrated and upset so there was no way I could return either.
I'd like to think not all managers are the same, but from my experience working I simply cannot feel confident. I know that I am expendable - that if I'm sick they can just easily sack me and get a healthy person in to do the job instead. It makes me feel so pathetic that I can't even stick out these easy jobs. I used to apply for graduate positions but I don't even have the confidence to read the job descriptions never mind send a winning application. I thought that once I stopped feeling tired all of the time I'd be well enough to go back to work without any problems but my depression always creeps up on me.
I hate being unemployed. I lose all motivation to do anything, I don't even enjoy my hobbies anymore. I am sick to death of never having any money, never getting anywhere. But I can't seem to keep a job either so I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Thanks for reading, even if you have nothing to say.