Confusion, Love, Betrayal, and Everything in Between

I don't even know where to begin.

Okay. First off I'd like to say that I have no idea what I'm doing but that every day I'm trying my best to live life and love myself.

I've cut myself off from people. Not entirely, no, because I'm currently at college living in the dorms. It's a nightmare. I am scared to interact with people because I am fearful I will abuse them or manipulate them unknowingly. I feel I don't know ow to reciprocate love, friendship, and in general, "good feelings".

I'm currently working on my eating and sleeping habits so that I can be better equipped to face those issues.

Sometimes I feel like I make absolutely no sense, as if I've gone off the deep end and there's no turning back, as if I'm doomed from this point on.

I know that the key to overcoming any obstacle is through love and support. Through that love and support we become stronger individuals. Through that love we live better lives and experience its' beauty.

I think I'm a control freak. I fear I've become so controlling that I no longer think I'm a control freak.

This all stems from this fear which grew from my experience with my old religion. I felt I was manipulated and taken advantage of. Those feelings were heightened while I was emerging from the religion when I smoked pot. I smoked very inconsistently. Now, I've been drug free since those days. Drugs were never a problem with me.

Idunno anymore..

I don't get it at all. I'm taking active steps to better fight this fear of manipulation that I have but it feels like I'm just being a control freak and ruining my life. What if in the future I think I'm fine but in my kids' eyes I'm being a deranged control freak? I could never live with myself knowing I was a terrible parent.

Sometimes I am just able to live life and it all makes sense.

Those are the times when I feel some sort of love, I think.

Idunno sometimes I feel like I control my thoughts by limiting myself and in thinking that I'm living life more freely I'm really just changing the span of my control.

Instead of flowing with life and letting life be and me within it I'm constantly attempting to find a reason for everything and make sense of eveything.

I don't fucking know everything and I can't possibly know everything. I'm so tense and feel like I just need to spill this to someone but I don't want to be a burden. I've always felt like a burden because of my skinnyness and I've always tried to prove myself otherwise. I'd feel so weak spiling this to someone even though i'm doing it right now.

In my head I'm thinking that this doesn't count as spilling because it's online. It's like I'm indenial of something or something like that.

Idunno, I feel like I'm doomed for a life of ruin.

3 Replies

  • Hello, and welcome. It must have taken a great deal of courage to come on and post. I agree that sometimes posting online feels like you're still in control of who you're talking to, and if it helps you than that's good.

    I understand that feeling that you're just interacting with people just as a way of getting by. I get days when I speak to the bare minimum of people.

    I think that recognising in yourself that you've got issues around control is a really positive step forwards. I'm sure that someone who knows you well would say it's not as bad as you think it is.

    Have you ever accessed any sort of talking therapy?

  • Hi welcome to the site. You are human and as such everyone to some extent manipulates and controls others - it's part of the human condition after all. And you are not giving other people the credit they deserve to resist manipulation.

    There must be student counselling at your college - have you spoken to them about how you feel? If not I think you should. x

  • Go and have a chat with one of the counsellors at college,,, they are there for all sorts of reasons and can offer support

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