My dads passing

Hey everyone...(again)

So...... I feel like I need to write down some stuff.

So my dad passed away 1 year and a half ago. It was very sudden... He fell down the stairs and hit his head.

I found out when I was in bed having a lie in at about 11.00am one saturday morning... in my house at Uni. I got a phone call from my mum and the first thing she asked me was..'Are you sat down?'...

When I heard that my heart sank, I knew something had happened because we hadnt been able to get in contact with him (me and my 2 older sisters) so everyone was pretty worried already. It sounds weird but part of me already knew that thats what it was...... the first thing that came to my mind was that something had happened to dad. But when the words actually came out of her mouth..... It was asif time stood still........ and the pain was so consuming, I felt like I left my body and was watching myself. Watching myself crying and then running and telling my housemate what had happened. That whole week felt like that. I didnt feel like I was there at all... I had gone somewhere else for a while.

The weird thing is, the month before, one of my good friends father passed too. And they were the same age. So because I was so upset when she told me, I rang my dad and told him about her and how awful I felt for her - And I said to him jokingly ....'dont you go anywhere dad!!'............. and what happened exactly one month later......??? HOW can that possibly happen???!!

I dont know. Its just weird.

But what Im trying to say is....... Sometimes I dont think about him at all. Then sometimes I do, I go through phases. I usually feel angry and frustrated... in life.......... in God - for letting that happen to us, and to him. Dad had battled with depression and wasnt in a very good place when he passed. Which is the most painful thing for me, and it still cuts me so deep every time I think of him unhappy when he died. He was a beautiful man and deserved nothing but pure happiness. But there was nothing any of us could do because he wouldnt help himself. But now its too late for us to help him because hes gone and he will never come back - thats the hardest thing to accept - That I once had a dad, but not anymore - and for the rest of my life he will be gone, he wont meet my children... he wont be at my wedding. He wont be here. Hes not here and hes never coming back.

I will always have my memories and my image of my dad in my head and in my heart - but its not enough!

Sometimes I feel like I could have made him happy, I could have helped him...... I should have done more. He was always looking after me and nobody looked after him. He was all alone when it happened. And that kills me.

The one thing that keeps me at peace - is the fact that he knew I loved him. I made it very very clear at how much I loved him..... I told him all the time... Even when he was angry at me for doing something silly or 'irresponsible'...... I'd tell him I loved him and he would smile... and it would be fine.

I just hope hes watching and I hope he knows how I felt and feel.

12 Replies

  • Hi Liz I'm really sorry about your Dad. What a lovely lovely post you have written.

    I can tell by reading this that you loved him to bits and that you really miss

    Him. Getting over a death of a parent is very hard and it's harder if it's


    Grief is a journey with many ups and downs and there is no blueprint, I am

    Glad that you posted this as I'm sure it will help you.

    Liz it's normal to feel a bit of guilt after a death, I have had that, could I have

    Done more and all those kind of questions, but I'm sure your Dad was proud

    Of you and felt loved by you. His spirit will be with you always and you

    Will have those lovely memories in your heart. Some people don't even have

    That kind of relationship with a parent.

    Please look after yourself and give yourself lots of time as this grief is

    Still very raw.

    Warm hugs

    Hannah xx

  • Hannah thankyou again for such a lovely comment! xxxxxxxx

    Really helps to get such great support from everyone on here. I know Im so lucky to have had that bond with him and whenever Im in a predicament I always imagine what advice he would give me :) I know he will always be in my heart and that comforts me! He hasnt really gone because hes still here in me and my sisters... and were closer than ever. Sometimes I just get emotional but thankyou so much for that post!

    big love xxxxxx

  • I am one of those people who believes that your father is at peace and looking over you! Lots of people, I know, will disagree but it keeps me happy! Your father knew how much you loved him and you are to be admired for him knowing that! Many of us never got the time to tell our Dads! Or our Mums! My heart does go out to you but watch out for the butterflies! Whenever one lands on or near me I assume it's one of my parents letting me know they are around! Odd - I don't really care! Take care and know others know how you are feeling.

  • I often read this poem by Mary Elizabeth Fry and find it comforting. Maybe it will help.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep

    I am not there; I do not sleep.

    I am a thousand winds that blow,

    I am the diamond glints on snow,

    I am the sun on ripened grain,

    I am the gentle autumn rain.

    When you awaken in the morning's hush

    I am the swift uplifting rush

    Of quiet birds in circled flight.

    I am the soft stars that shine at night.

    Do not stand at my grave and cry,

    I am not there; I did not die.

  • I love that poem and want it read at my funeral. Thanks for posting it Bev xx

  • This is one of my favourite poems and it has helped me through many sad times in my life when I have lost loved ones. I hope it helps everyone who reads it.

  • What a lovely Poem it's one of my favourites and so

    Consoling too.

    Hannah x

  • I feel so sad for you. This is such a hard thing to deal with and it is so good that you feel able to share. Thinking about your future without someone who was so important must be so hard. You say you are at Uni as well which is stressful itself. I am wondering if you are supported. I hope you have people to talk to. I don't think you get over something like this. It has been described to me as an amputation you never stop missing the person you just get used to them not being there. If you need to I am wondering if the university has a counselling service. I hope you will be able to focus on any happy memories of your father. Frequently there are things left undone when someone has died but there is nothing to be done about it. Have you thought of ways to honour his memory? Maybe something that is meaningful to you. I wish you well and hope you can find a way through this

  • Thanks for your comment! :)

    Yeah Ive finished Uni now and have moved back in with my parents whilst I work fulltime...(saving up to travel) so Im over the initial stage of after he passed.. It still feels the same but its different! and your 100% correct you just get used to not seeing them. Its weird because I still feel like hes here but hes not xxxxxx

  • Hi

    It's Ava it's been a long while since I've posted .. My depression is bad and I've just lost my dad two weeks ago I'm struggling like mad and can relate to your post... This journey is killing me if I'm honest .... I miss him dearly and the thought of never ever seeig him it hearing his voice is destroying me ... It's all too much ..


  • Hi Ava..

    Im so sorry to hear that. I really am. I know exactly what your going through, this is a very hard time for you at the moment. Its still so raw only 2 weeks later. I hope the funeral went okay and everything went smoothly - well as smoothly as it could go. Ava when I lost my dad I cried for weeks... and its just part of the process, try not to put too much on yourself for the next couple of weeks - months. Spend time with loved ones have you got any siblings? When things like this happen your family is all you have... I also hope your mum is okay - it must be awful for her aswell :(.

    If your working at the moment I would take as much time off of work as you can so you can recoop, the less stress on you the better! if you ever need anyone or need to talk I am here xxxx

  • Hi thank you for replying sorry I don't know your nAme.... It will be 3 weeks on Monday and I feel sick to the stomach... I'm off work I'm a teacher and can't face work at the minute feel guilty but honestly I feel ill... When did you loose your dad it's horrid it really is ... So hard my mum isn't coping well neither is my sister but we are trying I just feel ill...


    Ava xx

You may also like...