So sorry to hear the sad news about your friend. I'm so glad he had managed to have some years of enjoyment after turning his life around.
I totally understand what you say in this post. I have felt the same and also felt that guilt.
I guess all I can say is, that one day I hope to turn my life around from anxiety and depression and in fact help people who suffer, because the worse thing I have found in all of this is the fact that it's very hard to find someone who understands. I would one day like to be the someone who understands, even if I help just one person. I am not ready yet, but that is my plan.
Thank you for your kind words too. I agree with you it is a world that doesn't make sense!
Sometimes you come across things that make sense and help when you least expect...I found that in march this year the first time I used this site...it was my saving grace at that time. I'm hoping it helps you too, and I'm sure it does,,you have people here who care and importantly understand.
Same here, I just stumbled across it as well, I think I was looking up things about suicide, I was pretty bad.. And ended up on here, which has been an enormous help!
Just to be able to write things down helps in itself, but it's all the kind replies
from people who understand you and know what your going through I found amazing!
And even trying to help someone else can help ye too, it works both ways doesn't it..
It's a known fact that helping others makes you feel better, and at the same time
it takes ye away from yourself for a bit.
And you realise the whole world's got problems, and it's not all about you
No, kidding aside. it's a great site, and I'm so glad I found it, and all the people who
hello my dear, we don't wish for death but it is the illness that sometimes plays tricks with us, we love life, we give love as much or as little as any other person in this entire world, if someone is physically ill, even that person would say he/she wishes he/she were dead if the physical pain is unbearable, What is the difference with having a mental pain... i don't see any
Holly that's so sad. It makes me think of that Alanis Morrisette song. Ironic is it? It's a stupid thing to say, but he didn't die of his drug addiction. And he'd have carried the knowledge that he was able to walk away from that chapter of his life, all the way to the end.
Life is precious, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. We give to society in whatever way we can, and for you (as well as other things I am sure) it's your ability to reassure others, to make them smile and feel better. That's a gift that not many people have x
You've got it too Lucy, I don't know if you read my post about seeing your counsellor, but it made me smile!
It's the second time this has happened, when I was in rehab I got really close to someone that worked in there,
I only knew him a few months, but it was one of those rare things, you meet someone, and you just click..
We had the same outlook on life, the same idealisms, I could talk to him and we became pretty close. Just
platonic mind you
He was 6 1/2 year drug-free, and all of a sudden he became unwell, it was his liver, and within 2 weeks he
passed away..
I thought the same thing then, at least he got those 6 years, but it still seemed so unfair..
It usually happens when people have been off drugs for a good amount of time, then they use and that's when they od and die, which is bad enough, but fighting so hard to turn your life around after living in misery for
decades, and then dying of cancer or liverfailure 5 or 6 year later...
it's almost like beating cancer and the day you get the all-clear you get ran over by a bus!
That's when I wonder, how does this world make sense..
speak soon Lucy, and your new counsellor doesn't sound THAT bad, apart from the cardie
That's the spirit. Glad you are feeling better. Everyday can be a good day if we can manage to adopt a positive attitude and I know that isn't always easy.We can not live another person's life for them but we can live our own and the best way to do that is to be aware of what creates happiness as opposed to comparing ourselves to others and then sitting in judgement on ourselves. I do hope you find the person inside who you can be truly happy with.
So sorry to hear about the death of your wonderfully determined and courageous friend. We are all wonderful in our own way and that includes you. It sounds to me like you need to learn how to love yourself. There is not a human being on this Earth who is perfect so please stop putting yourself down.
There is a lot to love Holly. If we were donating things, I would donate my eyes to you so you could see what we see when we read your posts and replies.
Sorry about your friend. He sounds like a really good guy. I think the answer to how does life make sense is that it doesn't.
I have one question though. You have a lot of respect for your friend because he turned his life round, got clean and gave a lot back in support - I get that. It's part of the reason I'd like to be a counsellor. And you feel like you wish you could give your life to someone like that who would use it that way. So my question is: how do you know you won't be clean and helping other addicts in ten years' time?
Don't write yourself off. The reason I say I would give you my eyes is because reading your posts, I can see someone with the kindness and the heart to do exactly what your friend did.
I remember you saying a while ago that your docs always think the depression is a result of the addiction. Aside from the fact that they aren't necessarily linked, I wonder has anyone ever suggested it could actually be the other way round as well? Maybe the relapse after rehab was a depressive lapse more than anything else? Just a thought.
I think it's really sad there isn't more funding for rehab treatment. Don't think it says much for us as a society.
Remember there are two sides to guilt. Yes, it makes us feel horrible, and I've certainly felt guilty about having depression myself. But - guilt means you have a conscience, it means you want to do the right thing, it means you're a good person. And it's precisely because you ARE grateful for your life that you have guilt over not making what you feel is the best use of it. I think the best use of a life is a bit of a nebulous concept anyway.
Put it this way: The fact you tried to (and did) get clean twice says far more about you as a person than relapsing does.
Thanks And you have got a point there.. I am grateful for a lot of things,
I just feel that I don't treat my life with the respect it deserves and I'd love to be able to give it to someone who wants it so much more..
But it's just where I'm at as well..
Because I've been going through a bit of a rough patch, I couldn't even contemplate doing another detox, I haven't got the fight in me just now..
But the fact that I'm still going to my day-program, even though I'm still using,
shows me I've not flung in the towel yet and I still have hope and believe that I can do it.
Doctors and psychiatrists are so quick to blame depression on drug- and or alcohol addiction, I think it's just easier for them.
But the fact that I started self-harming and had my first suicide attempt before I was even addicted to anything (well apart from cigarettes), tells me the
depression came before the addiction..
I also said to my mum once when I was about 6 or 7 year old 'I don't wanna
anymore'.
The reason I remember it so clearly is because of her reaction, the shock and alarm on her face, and her asking in a panicked voice 'what do you mean?!'
But it was quite clear, and could only mean one thing, but because of her reaction I never mentioned it again.
I thought I'd said something 'bad'.
But from then on my mum did pick up on whenever I was down, and she'd
take me swimming, which I loved, or for a long walk somewhere quiet, just us two, and I'd perk up.
So I know what came first, definitely the chicken (depression), the egg was just self-medicating...
You have helped so many people on here Holly and you should love yourself for that fact. How cruel that your friend died when his life was on track and becoming much better.
You must be more kind to yourself.... you could be in this same position at some time in the future.... helping others with mental health issues. No-one knows better than us how we suffer.
On a better note, I felt like you 6 months ago and thought life was going to be so dark , full of anxious thoughts 24/7 and not being able to relax. With help from a few people, including this site, I am much better now and life is worth living again. I am going to be a Grandma in March. So, Holly, it is possible to make life better and I hope that your future is full of brightness.{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}, Julie xx
Hi holly. I am a mental health nurse and deal with many patients who have drug related issues. Because your friend managed to stop taking drugs and then helped other people to do so, think of all the lives that have been saved and all the heartache that for themselves and family that has been spared. All we can do is try our best. Sorry about your loss. Take care
I know, he left a good legacy, and at least he did have those 5 years of freedom and happiness
instead of dying miserably still caught in addiction..
It's just when things like that happen, the world makes so little sense to me, but like ThemysciraDrive said; it doesn't..
Death doesn't differentiate between good and bad, young or old, or who wants to live and who doesn't. So I suppose there's no point analysing why some people die when they do, and me wishing
I could give my life to someone who treats it with more respect, but it was more a way of expressing the way I feel guilty about wishing for death when so many people wish for life..
Sending you a bunch of love and hugs too, Holly101!
I like to think that we are put on this earth to leave our mark........no matter how big or small and it seems to me from reading your story, that that's exactly what your friend had done. And he will be remembered for it.
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Xx
Traumatized because of my boyfriend
not really living life
My Life.
Helping a loved one through depression
