Donating a life..

[Holly101]

Sadly one of my friends passed away last week.

He was a drug-addict most of his life, but managed to turn his life around 5 years ago.

He was 5 year drug-free this week, and was loving life again, took over his dad's business, his family were

so proud of him and a lot of people loved him and were very fond of him.

He put a lot back into helping other addicts too, and basically valued the second chance he got at life and was making the most of it.

A month ago he got diagnosed with skincancer, which spread to his brain, and he sadly passed away last week.

Sometimes, well actually quite often, I wish I could give my life away to someone who appreciates it more,

and treats it with the respect it deserves..

Life is a precious thing, but I don't treat it that way and I'm ashamed of that.

If there was a way of giving my life away to somebody that wants, needs, and respects it, I very gladly would..

Holly.

[Adorable1]

Holly,

So sorry to hear the sad news about your friend. I'm so glad he had managed to have some years of enjoyment after turning his life around.

I totally understand what you say in this post. I have felt the same and also felt that guilt.

I guess all I can say is, that one day I hope to turn my life around from anxiety and depression and in fact help people who suffer, because the worse thing I have found in all of this is the fact that it's very hard to find someone who understands. I would one day like to be the someone who understands, even if I help just one person. I am not ready yet, but that is my plan.

Thinking of you

Sue xxxxxxx

[Holly101 in reply to Adorable1]

Thanks Sue, That's a lovely post, and you're already helping people, just by being here!

Sadly it happens all too much, people who want to live and enjoy their lives get so cruelly taken from us while we're wishing for death..

It's a world that doesn't make sense, and it doesn't feel good that I'm one of those people wishing

for death.

You're a very kind and caring person, and I'm sure one day you'll be great at helping people

with their problems coz you understand, but don't forget;

you're already doing it!

Love Holly Xx

[Adorable1 in reply to Holly101]

Thank you Holly.

Thank you for your kind words too. I agree with you it is a world that doesn't make sense!

Sometimes you come across things that make sense and help when you least expect...I found that in march this year the first time I used this site...it was my saving grace at that time. I'm hoping it helps you too, and I'm sure it does,,you have people here who care and importantly understand.

I hope you have a peaceful sleep.

No doubt chat to you soon.

Love sue xxxxxx

[Holly101 in reply to Adorable1]

Hi Sue,

Same here, I just stumbled across it as well, I think I was looking up things about suicide, I was pretty bad.. And ended up on here, which has been an enormous help!

Just to be able to write things down helps in itself, but it's all the kind replies

from people who understand you and know what your going through I found amazing!

And even trying to help someone else can help ye too, it works both ways doesn't it..

It's a known fact that helping others makes you feel better, and at the same time

it takes ye away from yourself for a bit.

And you realise the whole world's got problems, and it's not all about you

No, kidding aside. it's a great site, and I'm so glad I found it, and all the people who

are on it.

Speak soon doll, hope your day's been ok,

Love, Holly xxx

[mayalida in reply to Holly101]

hello my dear, we don't wish for death but it is the illness that sometimes plays tricks with us, we love life, we give love as much or as little as any other person in this entire world, if someone is physically ill, even that person would say he/she wishes he/she were dead if the physical pain is unbearable, What is the difference with having a mental pain... i don't see any

[Holly101 in reply to mayalida]

Hi Mayalida,

How are you? Really hope your feeling a bit better, I know you've been having

a really tough time lately..

So thanks for taking the time out and thinking of others!

You're right, there is no difference, apart from one's visible and the other one isn't..

Hope you're ok, take care of yourself..

Lots of love,

Holly Xxx

[Suzie40]

Holly that's so sad. It makes me think of that Alanis Morrisette song. Ironic is it? It's a stupid thing to say, but he didn't die of his drug addiction. And he'd have carried the knowledge that he was able to walk away from that chapter of his life, all the way to the end.

Life is precious, but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. We give to society in whatever way we can, and for you (as well as other things I am sure) it's your ability to reassure others, to make them smile and feel better. That's a gift that not many people have x

[Holly101]

You've got it too Lucy, I don't know if you read my post about seeing your counsellor, but it made me smile!

It's the second time this has happened, when I was in rehab I got really close to someone that worked in there,

I only knew him a few months, but it was one of those rare things, you meet someone, and you just click..

We had the same outlook on life, the same idealisms, I could talk to him and we became pretty close. Just

platonic mind you

He was 6 1/2 year drug-free, and all of a sudden he became unwell, it was his liver, and within 2 weeks he

passed away..

I thought the same thing then, at least he got those 6 years, but it still seemed so unfair..

It usually happens when people have been off drugs for a good amount of time, then they use and that's when they od and die, which is bad enough, but fighting so hard to turn your life around after living in misery for

decades, and then dying of cancer or liverfailure 5 or 6 year later...

it's almost like beating cancer and the day you get the all-clear you get ran over by a bus!

That's when I wonder, how does this world make sense..

speak soon Lucy, and your new counsellor doesn't sound THAT bad, apart from the cardie

Love, Holly xx

[Photogeek in reply to Holly101]

Holly I'm so sorry about your friend. Your right life sometimes makes

No sense, and we wonder why so e people suffer so much

You must start to love yourself because you care so much

For others pain even though you are in pain. And it's true you can

Turn your life around as you have so so much to give. You have

Nothing to feel guilty about.

Holly your honesty is great and refreshing

A breath of fresh air for sure

Hannah

[Holly101 in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah,

I know what you mean, but it's just so hard to love yourself when you feel there's not much to love..

And it wasn't just him I'd like to give my life to, just anyone who wants it more than me!

But I'll get over this too, and then I'll be glad I've still got it and didn't give it away

How's u today and how's your day been?

Hope all's well and your day was good, spk soon!

Love, Holly Xxx

[pjNUN in reply to Holly101]

That's the spirit. Glad you are feeling better. Everyday can be a good day if we can manage to adopt a positive attitude and I know that isn't always easy.We can not live another person's life for them but we can live our own and the best way to do that is to be aware of what creates happiness as opposed to comparing ourselves to others and then sitting in judgement on ourselves. I do hope you find the person inside who you can be truly happy with.

[Holly101 in reply to pjNUN]

Xx

[pjNUN]

So sorry to hear about the death of your wonderfully determined and courageous friend. We are all wonderful in our own way and that includes you. It sounds to me like you need to learn how to love yourself. There is not a human being on this Earth who is perfect so please stop putting yourself down.

[Gambit62 in reply to pjNUN]

Couldn't put it better so not going to try.

[Holly101]

Thanks pjNUN,

That's a lovely thing to say.. It's hard to love yourself though when you feel there's not much to love..

But I'll do my best

Love, Holly Xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

There is a lot to love Holly. If we were donating things, I would donate my eyes to you so you could see what we see when we read your posts and replies.

Sorry about your friend. He sounds like a really good guy. I think the answer to how does life make sense is that it doesn't.

I have one question though. You have a lot of respect for your friend because he turned his life round, got clean and gave a lot back in support - I get that. It's part of the reason I'd like to be a counsellor. And you feel like you wish you could give your life to someone like that who would use it that way. So my question is: how do you know you won't be clean and helping other addicts in ten years' time?

Don't write yourself off. The reason I say I would give you my eyes is because reading your posts, I can see someone with the kindness and the heart to do exactly what your friend did.

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thank you for those kind words

I just feel so much guilt sometimes, that I wish for death while there's people out there

with terminal illnesses, or die in accidents way before their time, who would love to have a chance to live..

And I feel like an ungrateful b***h for wanting to end it all sometimes.

That's what I meant when I said I wish I could give my life to someone who so desperately wants it..

I will get clean again, I've done it twice before, once myself out in the street, but I only lasted

37 days, and once for 11month, but 6 of them were in rehab, and if it wasn't for being in

that rehab I don't know if I could,ve done it..

It's always tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes.. The years fly by and before I know it another decade's been wasted..

But hopefully I'll get the willpower and the motivation again sooner rather than later, and

get myself together.

I don't fancy working in addiction though, I've had enough addiction for a lifetime

I would like to work with kids, young ones, between the age of 1-4, I'd love that..

And I've definitely not wrote myself off, I'm just the world worst procrastinator!

Speak soon,

Love, Holly xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

Aw, you'd be great with the little ones

I remember you saying a while ago that your docs always think the depression is a result of the addiction. Aside from the fact that they aren't necessarily linked, I wonder has anyone ever suggested it could actually be the other way round as well? Maybe the relapse after rehab was a depressive lapse more than anything else? Just a thought.

I think it's really sad there isn't more funding for rehab treatment. Don't think it says much for us as a society.

Remember there are two sides to guilt. Yes, it makes us feel horrible, and I've certainly felt guilty about having depression myself. But - guilt means you have a conscience, it means you want to do the right thing, it means you're a good person. And it's precisely because you ARE grateful for your life that you have guilt over not making what you feel is the best use of it. I think the best use of a life is a bit of a nebulous concept anyway.

Put it this way: The fact you tried to (and did) get clean twice says far more about you as a person than relapsing does.

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thanks And you have got a point there.. I am grateful for a lot of things,

I just feel that I don't treat my life with the respect it deserves and I'd love to be able to give it to someone who wants it so much more..

But it's just where I'm at as well..

Because I've been going through a bit of a rough patch, I couldn't even contemplate doing another detox, I haven't got the fight in me just now..

But the fact that I'm still going to my day-program, even though I'm still using,

shows me I've not flung in the towel yet and I still have hope and believe that I can do it.

Doctors and psychiatrists are so quick to blame depression on drug- and or alcohol addiction, I think it's just easier for them.

But the fact that I started self-harming and had my first suicide attempt before I was even addicted to anything (well apart from cigarettes), tells me the

depression came before the addiction..

I also said to my mum once when I was about 6 or 7 year old 'I don't wanna

anymore'.

The reason I remember it so clearly is because of her reaction, the shock and alarm on her face, and her asking in a panicked voice 'what do you mean?!'

But it was quite clear, and could only mean one thing, but because of her reaction I never mentioned it again.

I thought I'd said something 'bad'.

But from then on my mum did pick up on whenever I was down, and she'd

take me swimming, which I loved, or for a long walk somewhere quiet, just us two, and I'd perk up.

So I know what came first, definitely the chicken (depression), the egg was just self-medicating...

Love Holly Xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

That's the impression I got from a few things you've said - this is a sign that I should never doubt myself!

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Wish you were my doctor or psychie!

Holly Xx

[Jeffju]

You have helped so many people on here Holly and you should love yourself for that fact. How cruel that your friend died when his life was on track and becoming much better.

You must be more kind to yourself.... you could be in this same position at some time in the future.... helping others with mental health issues. No-one knows better than us how we suffer.

On a better note, I felt like you 6 months ago and thought life was going to be so dark , full of anxious thoughts 24/7 and not being able to relax. With help from a few people, including this site, I am much better now and life is worth living again. I am going to be a Grandma in March. So, Holly, it is possible to make life better and I hope that your future is full of brightness.{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}, Julie xx

[Hidden]

Hi holly. I am a mental health nurse and deal with many patients who have drug related issues. Because your friend managed to stop taking drugs and then helped other people to do so, think of all the lives that have been saved and all the heartache that for themselves and family that has been spared. All we can do is try our best. Sorry about your loss. Take care

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Holly,

I know, he left a good legacy, and at least he did have those 5 years of freedom and happiness

instead of dying miserably still caught in addiction..

It's just when things like that happen, the world makes so little sense to me, but like ThemysciraDrive said; it doesn't..

Death doesn't differentiate between good and bad, young or old, or who wants to live and who doesn't. So I suppose there's no point analysing why some people die when they do, and me wishing

I could give my life to someone who treats it with more respect, but it was more a way of expressing the way I feel guilty about wishing for death when so many people wish for life..

If that makes sense..

Holly xxx

[astrogirl7]

Sending you a bunch of love and hugs too, Holly101!

I like to think that we are put on this earth to leave our mark........no matter how big or small and it seems to me from reading your story, that that's exactly what your friend had done. And he will be remembered for it.

Take care

Angie xx

[Holly101 in reply to astrogirl7]

Thanks Angie

I always like seeing your posts, I don't know if it's the picture, or the way you write..,

no idea what it is but I always get a kinda soft, kind and gentle vibe off them

It's a nice feeling, thanks!

Love, Holly Xxx