i am 30 years old and working in gov. sector. when i was 10 years old my mother died after school exam i lived in city with my dear brother

[dearsantosh]

and continue study besides we preparing for gov.job. we lived like as best friend no any person believe that they are brother due to our lovely relation. he was very nice person for me in this world I am suffering from polio but due to him i never fell that i am handicap he help me very much. we went to watch movies and where i went he almost always with me. He was interested in cricket, cooking,making friend. he was very genius in all sector. before 2 years i got job in railway. I went on job but by brother still preparation for job. I talked to him daily asked how are you and your study. I always worried about his carrier. after some time he became ill i treated him to local doctor. But he became not well. than a tumor grow in his head. i was scared. but he is so jolly boy he tell me not worry brother it is nothing. than i went to Delhi in RML hospital for better treatment. doctor cheek it and said to FNC test which is dated on 6 march. unfortunately same time my new joining later arrived at home so i leave him at my elder brother who already lived in Delhi and come back home for paper work.after 3 days he suffered from fever and treated by other doctor. during this period he talk to me daily and always did comedy talk. on 5 march at night he went to hospital because he became serious even he talk to me in evening. on 5 o'clock I know socking news that his both kidney failed. i can't what i felt that time. I was cried so much in same position i rush for Delhi but when i was completed half way again i received message which is the worst for my whole life that he died on before dylesis. Now i am live not only for saying. I suppose i was already same time. I always think if i care him properly than it not happened. sometimes i think death is better than this life so for me right thing is suicide. He was not only brother for me besides he was like my best friend, son and everything. How i live without him. it is impossible.I loved him now loves and will love till my death.

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry to hear of your problems and the death of your brother. It sounds like you are suffering from depression. Have you been to your doctors yet for a diagnosis? You also need to seek out bereavement counselling. x

[Photogeek]

Hi that was very hard for you to lose a brother. I'm sorry for your loss. You are grieving

And in shock and it's natural to feel that you could have done more. His spirit lives on

And he would want you to look after your health.

You sound Depressed, please see a Dr. And you will begin in time to recover,

Grief is a long process, so get help for you and do not struggle alone.

Hannah

[Gambit62]

It is very difficult to lose someone that you have been close to.

It is very good that you have posted here and shared your story.

It is understandable that right now you feel that dying would be a good option and that can be a normal part of grief. Please don't get scared by this thought - it is just a thought. On one level it is just your brain telling you that you are in a lot of emotional pain rather than an intention to do anything. If you do feel that it is more than a thought then please post here and please also be aware of the impact your death might have on your elder brother. You feel as if you didn't do enough for your brother but you did all that you could and you need to remember that.

I don't think that the sense of loss ever goes away completely but it will get less intense with time and you will get to a place where, and I am sure this is what your brother would really want, you can find joy in new places.

Are you able to talk to your elder brother about things or friends? and have you really allowed yourself some time to grieve. I don't know if you have any religious beliefs but religious rites associated with death are often important in allowing us to really accept that someone is no longer physically there, even though they are still their in our memories.

When my father died one thing that really helped me (and it is still there over 10 years on) was putting a pair of his reading spectacles on a bookcase at the top of the staircase so I saw them each time I went upstairs. Do you have something similar from your brother that you can put somewhere so that you can feel that, even though he is physically gone, he is still spiritually a part of your life.