A cry for help and advice!!!

Hi all, this is my first post and hopefully I can find some re-assurance and some advice in were im going wrong.

Im 35 years old and im in meltdown. It started when i was 18 and I didn't understand the effects it was having until recent events unfolded. When I was 18 I found out I was adopted and my parents were not my biological parents, I found out by my aunty at the time and was so shocked it broke me in two. I'd just bought a house and had a mortgage and took on too much debt and so I worked 50-60 hrs a week to help pay and clear my debt. I'd also met my future wife Claire when I was 17 so it was a shock to her too. Throughout my 20's I worked really hard to help build a career for myself, got married and basically shut away all my personal issues which I thought at the time I was dealing with. I tried to get in touch with my biological parents and it didn't go to well once id got in touch. My parents which brought me up give me what I needed but there was always something missing which always played on my mind. My mother which brought me up sadly passed away in 2008 because of cancer and there was so much stuff i regret not asking and time which I missed out on over the past 10 years. I also moved away then for 6 months to try and move closer to my biological mother and get to know her to see if she wanted a second chance, it was clear as the months went by she did not want to know or make the effort to get to know me the way a mother should. I then got introduced to my biological father to which he was a alcoholic and turned up drunk to meet me. I did not see him again till 2013 when I got a phone call saying he only had a few months left to live, so i went to meet him and ask him questions, he said he wanted to make use of the last few months he had left so he could get to know me a little bit, I agreed but then every time I went round he was drunk and had no time for me, so I let it be until 3 days before he died in November and I sat by his bed and watch him die with regret that I had not got to know him properly. While this was going on my marriage had fell apart and we were on the verge of break up, we have a 17 month child which we went though ivf and he is the light at the end of my tunnel that keeps me going. In December I split with my wife and moved out and was sleeping on my step sister sofa, despite this me and my wife did not fight the decision or try to resolve the problem because we were in a rut and I think we had wore each other down to the point it was best for us both and the baby going forward. I had a close friend who was also helping me out, who I am now living with which helped me through certain issues at the time. Jackie went through a breast cancer operation in January and we also moved in together at the same time. My work was very stressful as I am now a store manager in sales and new year is our peak trade, the store was also shutting for refurbishment and to re-open so I had a lot of pressure to help the store shut and re-open as smoothly as possible. All the time I was trying to settle into my new home and learn how to trust and help Jackie who is 10 year older than myself, who is also a department manager who works different shift patterns. My work has always been my safe haven but I found out over recent weeks that two of my team were planning on setting me up to get rid of me from my position and the store by allegedly saying me and my new girlfriend were taking drugs in the store, what made it even more hurtful is that one of the lads was Jackies brother who I'd took on in September. This ripped her apart as well as me.

Now Im at a loss, I dont know what to do, Ive lost all my self believe and confidence, I've lost all trust in everybody, I carnt settle, Im always thinking (im terrible when im on my own), I always think the worst, I have lost my friends that I had because I cannot be bothered to get in touch, me and Jackie take stuff to heart and rip shreds of each other at times because I cannot fully trust her, I also know and have finally admitted that I have a major problem in my head and have just seen my GP who has arranged for me to see a team of Councillors. One day im happy and the next im as low as you can get, sometimes Im hyper and plan things, spend money willy nilly and others Im so depressed and my head spins so much I dont know what to do. I feel angry, frustrated, torn, agitated and now my whole world is coming to a stand still and a crash landing. I dont know who to turn to or how I should be feeling, is this normal or what?

I really really love my new girlfriend, she has been a great support and I want to spend my life with her but im really scared and frightened that she is going to leave me for someone else or just leave me anyway. Im always showing affection and love but expect the same back all the time.

I am really at a loss now, Im sorry for the long post but i would love to hear from others who have been in a simaler place and have come through the other side, because i cannot see i way out at the minute.

Thanks for reading Dave.


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4 Replies

  • Hi

    You have had a hard time but say you love your new girlfriend - you might find seeing someone from Relate helpful alongside the counselling as that will enable you to strengthen the relationship you have through understanding and supporting one another.


  • Hello Dave and I hope that writing out your story has helped you as I find that just putting things down can do that for me.

    It does sound like the counselling is the best idea for you at the moment and like Sue said Relate as well as it seems you have hit a bit of a difficult patch in your relationship with your partner through what has happened and you probably both need some help to get through this.

    Maybe finding out you were adopted created that chink of insecurity and so now when something difficult happens you are not as robust as you may have been had you not discovered that things were different from how you had always pictured things and that you had indeed been adopted. So this would explain why the work episode has got to you so much (although of course it it genuinely extremely upsetting anyway) and also your relationship difficulties, as I think if you had not had these problems at 18 you would find yourself more able to "bounce back" from difficult things than you currently are. I am not saying this to criticise in any way, but as an explanation of why you are prone to getting depressed about things.

    I do think you can manage to work through these problems by talking about the past and also your current relationship difficulties in a counselling situation.

    Gemmalouise X

  • Hello Dave

    Your life with your replacement family was your real family and your natural parents seem not to have thought much of you and really, possibly were in all intents and purposes a possible mistake of nature.

    I was brought up in early life by a surrogate family, they took me out sometimes fed and watered me and taught me how to cook and look after myself, in my teens my natural parents who had very little to do with me and was there for general needs admitted that in their eyes they had brought me up to ten years old and then let me hang as I grew as I was a total failure by not passing my Eleven Plus. Not only that my parents had two late births, my sisters and they began to get most attention,by this time the family moved away and I lost the attention of my Lay family although I understand I still saw them and visited on a regular basis, in fact their family members I still feel where my second, more important family. When they died I felt numb and I had been taught not to show emotion so my feelings were hard and indifferent. Later now I have realised that they were my family and sadly I still cannot grieve. Up to recent breakups my family would let me suffer families deaths and was expected still to be able too accept and give bad news. I was my families Angel of Death.

    Sorry I am wandering away from the subject, Your parents do not need to by first line relatives, families are those people who live and give encouragement and love to you, when you fall they pick you up wipe your eyes and stick a plaster on your knee

    They wash your clothes, bathe you and assist with a first kiss and a first broken relationship. Their family becomes your family which would have been drawn together for births deaths and marriages, not forgetting celebrating Christmas New Year and not forgetting birthdays.

    In my case I was shown how to tap a barrel, taken to Theatre and taken for long days out on buses and trains.

    Your family are those who loved you and prepared you for the life you know and what has made you.make life choices.

    With regards to trust you can believe me I do not trust, I prefer to reserve judgement on those I know or do not know.

    Over the years I feel I was damaged because of this and this has made my life and marriage a very cautious way of living I will ask questions once twice and need a statement in triplicate

    I was and still am a cynic and this was pushed down my throat by my blood family.

    What I can say is think well of those who brought you up and do not knock yourself up for your natural family, they did not knock themselves up for you



  • Hi Dave, and welcome to the forum. I completely agree with what Bob has written about families, although I appreciate that you needed to explore a relationship with your birth parents. I'm glad that the GP has referred you to counselling, because I think it will really help you. I hope you plan on sticking around and getting to now us all x