I feel like life isn't worth living? I'm too old?

I'm 18, 19 in July 2014, and for the past 2 years I've felt like I'm too old to do anything new or have fun anymore. When I was 16 and started College, those were the best days of my life, I had so much fun at College and I was 16 so lots of people looked out for me and I was young enough to act a douche when I wanted to. When I turned 17 I started feeling depressed because I would soon turn 18, being 18 would mean I'm an adult so nobody would care about me any more, and I'd be forced to behave like an adult and get a job etc.

I wanted to kill myself before my 18th birthday, I was that frightened of how my life would change with age. Everyone said 'Your life won't change, age is just a number!' Well they couldn't be more wrong! Since turning 18, life sucks, everyone who said it wouldn't change is a complete liar. I'm being pressured to get money and go outside places, basically do things, and I don't want to. I want to be alone all the time, playing on my Xbox, not doing anything else, but that's not possible any more. I'm trying to hold on to my childhood, I never looked forward to growing up, and I still don't want to grow up, it's moving too fast and I'm not ready!

I just want to sit and cry 24/7 about how much I hate my life, myself, and everything 'I've' done wrong. I want to go back to College, but due to anxiety and depression I had to leave halfway through the course in 2013, I applied for December 2013 but then decided at the last minute not to go back, so I've done nothing for almost 1 year. I want to go back this year in September, but I will be 19 then so I'll have to pay for education, something I can't afford.

I just feel so disgusting and old, I really, really hate this.

I'm seeing DART for a codeine addiction and they replaced my co-codamol with pure codeine tablets, however, I am really struggling to take them, so I'm still taking the co-codamol's. I haven't eaten much for a long time now, half a full meal per day. I've weighed in at 12.5 stone for 5 days now, I'm not losing any weight, so I'm highly upset about that too! I want to go back to how life used to be, I have no interest in the future, I'm truly stuck in the past.


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6 Replies

  • Starving yourself won't make you lose weight. Your body will just turn to your fat stores, and when they are gone it will hunt for calories in your muscles, leaving you feeling weak and looking horrendous. If you want to lose weight, eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly.

    I wonder what it is about your child hood that you are finding so hard to let go of? Or is it that one of the foundations of growing up wasn't properly secured and you haven't been able to build on it. Google Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If basic physiological needs are not met - food, water, warmth etc, we will not learn to feel safe. You need to feel safe to experience healthy relationships. It's during these times that we build self esteem and learn how to respect ourselves. Maslow talks of the impact of any of these foundations having cracks in them and the knock on effect it has for the rest of your life. By better understanding your childhood, you will be able to make more sense of how you are feeling now.

  • crash diets are bound to make anyone feel crap, it really is a case of the tortoise beating the hare for most people.

    I think what you have discovered is the double -life that people have to take on as adults, everyone has a work ''face'' and a ''parent'' image that they have to show the outside world, as adults yes there is less 'me-time' and 'play-time'. But if you see how full my local gym is you will realise that everyone finds there way to play as an adult.

    It will take a bit of thinking to figure out how to get the type of job where the professional mask you wear does not have to be metaphorically painted so thick, and just like friends, most people choose partners who they can most 'be-themselves' with.

    yes the rules do change as an adult, I can't remember my first months of primary school, and 18 is a while ago now, but both times do take quite some adjusting to.

    Try to figure out what specific things are worrying you about getting towards 20 ?

    Can you challenge any of those fears as being out of proportion?

    Is there anything you can do to change things that will get you closer to your adult goals.....yes that dreaded Adult word again, sorry, but we all tick through the years, though no-one has to give up the inner-child, so keep her with you always.

  • I'm sorry Muffin but I'm going to delete my first reply to you.

    It's caused enough upset already.

    I hoped people would just skim over it because of the length. And I know it'll keep causing hurt if anyone else sees it. If you desperately want to see it drop me an email, as I have it on my documents anyway.

    But here's some of the advice I gave you:

    I started off by saying I understand the differences between 17 &18, and that I'm sorry if it looked like I was before lying (as I was one the people who said 'age is a number'), but I thought your situation would be different to mine. Then I went off on a tangent. But I'm not repeating what I said.

    And then:

    My friend has job, in a shop - she didn't like college so went straight into one. Maybe you could try it? I know the idea sounds daunting, but you could maybe start off by Googling jobs in your area - shop jobs that kind of thing? And it doesn't actually mean committing yourself to it. You could do an application without handing it in just to give you a 'feel' for what going through the process is like. You might feel a bit better if you succeed. You'll have a routine, your sister won't be in your hair so much, and the rest of the time can be yours. You can spend the rest of the time on your Xbox if you wanted? But if you do it after you feel like you've achieved something, the pleasure you get from it might be that much better. I wouldn't have to be forever. If you make a start and are sensible with saving, you might eventually build up the money, to go back to college and fulfil your dreams (at least if you're spending your free time on the Xbox, you won't be blowing it off by going out), but there is no need to rush.

    I'm sorry you haven't lost anymore weight. Even though I know how beautiful you are on the outside (I have seen you don't forget), and I don't think your means of achieving this are exactly the most healthy - I can understand your frustration of not seeing results. Maybe you should just stop trying for a while (when I don't succeed I don't try so hard- and there's something alleviating, if disappointing, about doing that) and at least make an attempt (I know there's an eliminate of resistance) to eat when you're hungry. At the very least you will have more energy and if you want to go back to not eating again for whatever reason - and you won't have lost out on anything. Remember fluctuations can occur, so if you weigh yourself everyday you won't get an accurate recording of how much you weigh. Could you try reducing this down to once a week? You're just tormenting yourself by checking everyday.

    Regarding the issue with your tablets. Crush the ones you're supposed to take, and put them in a glass of water or juice. If you're really struggling, take half the ones you've been to take and combine it with the ones you're still taking, it'll be better than not taking them at all.

    I think Lucy’s comment is a good initiative. It seems as though traumas in your childhood might be linked to a lot of this. We can try and do something about that. But let’s get you functioning first. :) Have you been allowed to take anti depressants by any chance? Is it not worth going back just for one more shot?

    Thanks for keeping us updated. I've missed you. I miss you, us

    I really hope I've helped a bit and my advice has given you something to think about. :) Hope things are better at home with your sister too (did you get my email?)

    Gentle (((hugs)))

    Flip flop. xxxxxx

    ^ There. Much better.

    And to anyone who has read my initial reply to Muffin and was upset by it. I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry for any distress caused. I feel a bit better this afternoon.

  • Muffin hun, I got my first bout of depression at your age, so I can empathise.

    Please, please, please speak to the people at the addiction centre about the wider issues going on for you. If not to them, please make an appointment with your GP and talk about what is going on - in fact printing off your post might be a good idea, because it can be hard to talk but easier to share written words.

    I'm 44 this year. Amongst the things that are going to happen to me this year is leaving a secure job and returning to my native country. I'm doing this knowing that I am uncertain what work I will do, and what my future holds, but I have decided that I want to be in the same timezone as my partner and to live closer to my family.

    I've had a high powered career for 15 years and I lived a very independent life. I'm scared about my future too. But I have made a choice that I need to be closer to people who can be supportive of me when I am having episodes of depression.

    But I tell you what - there is a lot of life after 18, and a lot of life after 43 as well. My Mum turns 78 next year and she assures me there is a lot of life to live after that age as well.

    But the first step is to get proper treatment for your depression.

  • Hey Muffin.

    Sorry you feel so bad about being 18. Hypercat is dead right about people expecting you to suddenly be an adult. It's society that changes when you hit 18, not you.

    From the point of view of someone who's come out the other side of that time not so very long ago, this is the biggest secret in life:

    Nobody knows what the f**k they're doing.

    Seriously. We all act like adults are mature, responsible and know what they want, where they're going, but they don't. A fair amount of adults that I know just seem to work, go home and watch TV, so they're not so very different. I'll be 27 in April, and I still have a morbid fear of "settling down" - you know, the whole marriage and 2.4 kids thing. I rent cause I don't like the idea of being tied to a mortgage, despite everyone telling me to save up and buy somewhere. I'm not in any way ready to do that.

    People are different and that's a mighty good thing - you don't have to let society pidgeonhole you into something you aren't.

    Can you get any loans or funding to go back to college?

    Exercise is better than dieting for losing weight, and makes you feel less cap than not eating :) though 12.5 doesn't seem so bad to me...as far as most of us guys are concerned, skinny genuinely isn't equivalent to attractive.

    Hope yr feeling a little better.


  • hi muffin, I am sorry you're still feeling low.

    Dietwise, not eating doesn't mean you will lose weight. your body will just go into "starvation" mode. but you will experience the side-effects - extreme lethargy; depression; tears; irritability; no motivation.

    Better to try & eat little & often.

    We carry around with us the child we were - even people who don't think they have anxiety & depression. You've only got to watch reality shows like big brother to see people who immediately react to situations by going into "child mode" the hurt child, the naughty/ mischievious [sp?] child, the spoilt one. These are mostly subconscious reactions, but some (your sister?) produce them when it suits, but know no other way to be.

    You, me and others like us, are beautifully aware of our feelings, and are in touch with our feelings.

    For me, anything unjust, critical or mean done towards me, hurts because like the little girl I was, I am innocent. Anyone misjudging me besmirches not only me, but the child I was brought up to be - not one who would do or deserve such things.

    I'm 57 this month and I still enjoy memories and things from my childhood.and the passing years, things I did, places I've been.

    When I went to Disney World, in my 20's, I was struck by the children's faces, laughter and pure enjoyment - "children" being aged 3 to 103! - me included :) I am still finding new experiences exciting, and hope it never leaves me. True, when I am in my darkest days it is hard to hold onto, but know, even if you have to let them go, you will come through, you will find life improves, maybe in tiny almost un-noticeable ways, but it will. you will find you will suddenly realise that yesterday was a better day than the day before.

    You need never truly grow up. as has been said we adopt a grown-up demeanour, but inside we are as old as we want to be.

    many years ago, I saw an interview with a well known head of a huge company he'd built from scratch, he'd donated millions to charity. He'd just retired. He was asked what was his greatest achievement? He replied "That no-on had ever "found me out" no-one had ever said "Don't listen to him! He's just a kid from so & so street!" " he felt he'd got away with it by putting on a front.

    If you want to try getting out how about starting small? maybe walking a dog for an elderly neighbour? or an hour or two a week in a charity shop? - we have one where a sign says "got half an hour to spare? please come in and stack a shelf? If you haven't got that long 30 minutes will do :) " funny & clever! a friend of mine went in and pointed out it's the same. with a twinkle in her eye the elderly lady said "Well while you're here do you fancy putting these cd's out for me?" she gets so much help from that notice!

    In all seriousness muffin, pm me if you want to.



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