...it's been eight days since my last 'confession'.
If you read that last blog, you'll have seen that my first Parkrun was a bit of a disaster, I didn't handle it at all well and was absolutely gutted to have to walk a section, the first time I'd not ran all the way in weeks of doing 5k's on my usual (flat) route.
In retrospect (and thanks to you guys and Mrs Fingalo drumming it into me) I realised I'd been beating myself up a bit too much about it and by the Monday had decided to give it another go in the following week, which I did on Saturday last. The plan had been to do a couple of runs last week but in the end, the second Parkrun was the only one I did, a week where I'd gone from deciding to do it again and actually stopping this running lark completely, this had nothing to do with the way the run in the park had gone, I've just always struggled with the idea of continuing to run as I can find no enjoyment in it. How I envy those of you who do.
I'd had a really indulgent week too, as a rule I do not drink Monday to Friday and follow a healthy eating/fasting regime on those days, however last week I went mad, not so much with the drink (well, a bit) but certainly with the grub. Steak and chips, takeaway curry, Thai meal in and a takeaway Thai the next night. In fact Friday was the only day I behaved myself so perhaps that goes some way to explaining the reluctance to run. Possibly.
Anyway it was only when I was in bed on Friday I finally knew I'd run the next morning, at which point my usual excitement/anticipation kicked in and I woke several times during the night, checking the clock.
This time there was no fretting, I treated it almost like my normal run, I just got up, donned my gear and headed off, no bag, in fact nothing I'd have to leave down while I ran save for a bottle of water for when I finished. I'd bought a bumbag in the week so were it warm enough, a t-shirt would suffice as keys and 'phone for music would go in that instead of my jacket pocket. IF it was warm enough? Who am I kidding?
I had intended buying some Lucozade on my way there as well as taking water with me because the dizzy spell I'd experienced after my first Parkrun had somewhat alarmed me, however that didn't happen. The park is about a 20 minute walk away and I was a bit concerned that after a couple of minutes I started to get a nagging feeling in my left calf, which became worse over the next ten minutes. It was odd as I'd barely had any trouble with my calves whilst running, let alone walking. As it got worse I'd decided I'd still run but had resigned myself to maybe not being able to do the whole thing, to say I was gutted is an understatement. But strangely, as the park came into sight, I realised it had started to ease off and by the time the run began, I'd forgotten all about it. What that was all about I haven't a clue but it was certainly enough to make me forget to buy the Lucozade.
This time I was more on the ball, I knew I'd made a schoolboy error the week before and allowed myself to get pulled along at too fast a pace, so this time I stood right at the back, I hadn't realised that while I'd positioned myself there the last time out, folk were joining the run until the very last minute and so I ended up in the middle of the throng.
I also made sure I had my music playing (I used that 'stadium rock cheese' playlist we built up on here the other week) and really just tried to blot out any notion that I was even in an event with anyone else. Unlike last week, I took no photo's and chatted with no-one, although I was much more relaxed, the fear was in that I'd not run all the way again so in an effort to get that monkey off my back, it was all about me this time. Interaction could come later.
I set off and let them all run away from me, all the better to isolate myself, although of course, you do find yourself at a similar pace to others. One of these drove me mad, she was running and walking it and unfortunately happened to be at just my level all the way. The annoying thing was that when she stopped to walk, I'd overtake her then when she ran she flew along and got by me again, this went on for almost the entire race, it was doing my head in as I couldn't understand why she didn't just slow down a bit with the running and run the whole thing.
Okay then, what really annoyed me was that despite walking so much of it, she was able to run so fast that she actually timed it perfectly and managed to be in front of me come the finish.
The cow!
As for the course itself, I mentioned that there is a long and (I think) torturous incline when it's run in the usual direction that isn't represented in the topography when ran in reverse, which it being the Paddy's Day run, we were doing. Ha bloody ha! As it transpired, I think there is as much of an incline, however it's not a continuous one and as it's on bends as opposed to the other side where you're looking at the whole thing as you're running up it. This running thing, all in the mind.
Talking of it being in the mind, I was almost all the way around the first lap when I realised the two and a half loops hadn't started with the a long lap and we'd actually ran the short lap first, I was puzzled as I kept waiting for the MMR guy to come on and tell me I'd done the first kilometre and had actually convinced myself I'd fecked up the settings on the app ("hold on, if the long loops are 1.8k and I've almost completed it, where the feck is he?") when I realised my mistake. It reminded me of the early days of waiting (in vain) for Laura to finally come on and tell me to walk.
Silly boy that I am.
I'd hated almost every minute of the first run but this was was better, I even managed to lose myself in it a couple of times, something I find easy on my usual runs but couldn't last week. I think a lot is to be said for first run nerves. One thing about that long incline, the crest of it in this direction is just at the 4k mark, now last time it was at this stage I'd had to walk, this time it was downhill almost all the way so I knew then I was home and dry. Well, not dry exactly as the wind and rain had been coming down since I'd set out for the run, however it was intermittent so you'd get a bit soggy, it'd stop and the wind would dry you out.
As I came around to the finish I noticed that many of the finishers were walking across my path, fair enough as almost all of them were ensuring not to obstruct us slow 'uns, most, that is, except the poor unfortunate girl who was completely unaware of where she was and ended up being lifted almost bodily out of my way and placed to one side, all without my stopping. I'm slightly ashamed to say I made no effort to seek her out afterwards and apologise as at the time I was a tad annoyed with her.
Into the finishing funnel and chip in hand, I spotted one of the stewards who last week had seen what I state I was in, "fair play for coming back" she said. I was quite pleased with that. My time was odd as MMR guy said I'd done 5k about a minute before I reached the funnel and I was delighted with it, it would've been a PB, however I'm sure the course is marked out properly so I'll go by that and hope it was just a blip on the part of the app. And I was still over a minute faster than last week which I think makes it my second fastest 5k.
The run had been better but afterwards there was absolutely no comparison to how I feelt last week, it just felt like my usual 5k runs and recovery was almost immediate, with no dizzyness whatsoever and barely a murmer from my legs.
I went and collected my water, sat down and wrote a single word text to Mrs Fingalo:
YAAASSSSS!!!!!!
Postscript: Having checked the results, there were fewer runners than last week (362) and I finished in front of one more runner (discounting the backmark stewards).
Now all I have to do is finish in front of another bloke, being the last man is slightly embarrassing!
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Fingalo
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Thanks Auntie, that first run did bother me but I feel it's been laid to rest a little now, although I won't be happy until I do it in the 'right' direction.
I'm volunteering for the first time this Saturday so it won't be then, maybe the week after. I'm quite looking forward to seeing the event from a different viewpoint.
I find that time I run to be an absolute bonus Runner. There's something about having the whole world to myself that appeals. As I've said before, there is much about running I like, for example overcoming the challenge, being out in the fresh air, the satisfaction of knowing I can do it. I just feel no joy in the act of running itself.
well that sounds like you DO enjoy it. Or maybe it's just how you choose to describe things. I mean I'd say I enjoyed running but if I stop and think about it it's the challenge, fresh air, satisfaction of achievement, gorgeousness of being out in the countryside, not that actual bloody-awful-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-masochistic act of running itself.
I tend to say that I enjoy that I run rather than enjoy running. Either way I can still see the day when the dislike of the actual run itself will lead to my stopping. I often see folk on here say they enjoy the actual runs, to me that's a seemingly unattainable goal.
Yes, yes, yes, Fingalo, exactly - I enjoy that I run, but the actual running itself is hell. I don't like it. I get hot and sweaty and out of breath and uncomfortable. I have 'done' 92 runs since I started, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the times when I have felt that I was running 'lightly', if that makes sense. Okay, like a gazelle Mostly, though, I blunder along flat footed and panting for breath, dripping with sweat and puce in the face. Not attractive.
I persevere because I still have this dream that one day it will get easier and I will enjoy the actual running for itself.
Jaysus Annie, I had thought I looked quite reasonable on my runs but now I understand the anguished looks of the stewards at the finish, especially the first time.
At least no-one sees me on my morning runs, I wouldn't want to frighten the natives!
I'm so glad you had a much better run this time, sounds like doing your own thing is the way forward, think that is a plan I will copy on Saturday, when I plan to Parkrun in Chelmsford as I will be staying over at my daughters.
I have had a sneaky peek at the Chelmsford Parkrun times and photos, it looks a lot drier than Harrow Lodge where I did my first run, although I think I may still be coming in last with the tail runner again, but that's a challenge to improve on! 300+ runners is huge, neither of the runs I am looking at get to 100 yet!
I did 5k yesterday running locally and it went well, except a couple of minutes walking; although I ran further and with no walking on my run before, then I ended up with sore knees for two days, today my knees feel fine...
It's so handy to be able enter these runs no matter where you are in the country, good luck with the Chelmsford run.
And thanks for the encouragement, at the moment I intend running in the morning and Friday, whether that happens will go some way to telling if I've all but surrendered.
Bless you Fingalo, you do write a good blog. I can identify with your frustration trying to break away from your nemesis, on Saturday I spent the second lap trying to catch up with the lady in front - when I did on the last stretch we got chatting and she was worn out, after all that I didn't have the heart to overtake so I urged her on. Afterwards she came over and thanked me and we had one of those runners chats, she said of running "I love it and I hate it".... Sums it up quite nicely for me.
Well done for getting back out there, sounds like the break did you good.
Wondered where you'd been - lovely to see you back and in good writing form! I'm very glad your second parkrun was so much better, though that runner/walker sounds intensely annoying. I didn't even manage to drag myself out of bed to get to my parkrun. But not beating myself up about it, as I was very tired.
No more talk of surrendering now - not after all the effort you've put in to get this far!
I admit that I was going to run today, but then it got dark... Yes, feeble. I can run in the dark, but I don't like the constant worry of tripping over something, and my legs are still a bit twinge-y from my last run. So it can wait until tomorrow.
It's quite hard to keep motivation right at the back, isn't it? But what a waste if we stopped just because of that, and we're already improving on our previous times, so sooner or later, provided we keep going, we won't be at the back any more. Someone has to be the last man and someone has to be the last woman. And one day, it won't be us!
In all honesty, although I mention being the last fella, I don't really mind. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing in terms of just being happy to complete the run. I think much of the problem in the first Parkrun was just that, it was my first one. As for stopping, you know me, I've struggled with it almost from day one, no doubt it will continue to plague me but as long as I'm getting out there. At the minute I'm thinking not only would that hard work go to waste but that I did it through the winter and won't see the pleasant weather if I do stop now.
I've just set out my kit for tomorrow and the alarm is set so off I'll go....
Brilliant blog parts made me laugh out loud! I hope you find your reason for running as it would be a shame to stop after all your hard work. And we'd all miss your blogs.
Ahhh, I know it can be really dis heartening when you don't feel like you're doing well, but I love reading you blogs! You really make me laugh, you can really see the comic side of situations.
Remember too, if it was easy - well they'd be no satisfaction in doing well at it then! Keep going, and remember you're still faster than a couch potato!
Good on you for going back. My running times are still too erratic to go and try the local parkrun and if I had a run like yours would probably never have darkened their door again. I don't think I really enjoy the actual running but am always glad I've gone out and like you enjoy the fact that I now run. I long for the day I run with ease.
Looks to me like you are trying hard to work through all the stuff that is coming up for you, really well done to you for not giving up! I will have to register for this parkrun thang and have a go myself.
Keep pushing on Fingalo, at least for a while yet and see how you get on. I found it very intense post grad but it did settle down. A break now and again in very effective too as it shows in your blog.
Also your blogs are so popular I think you could spark a protest rally with talk of giving up
Thanks Jems. I think I've said before that I gain considerably more enjoyment from writing about it than actually doing it! Oh well, as long as I'm still getting out there, I suppose.
As for the break thing, it concerned me a little as I know that's how it will end, miss one run, then another and it's not long before I haven't ran for a month and I never go out again, however in this case I think you're right.
Yeah I reckon you can get away with a week or two and just get back to it. The mind plays awful tricks telling us we will stop then it will be over but you have proven the demons wrong this week by having a break and getting back to it. For some people it is easy to miss a run but for others it is scary and can be the beginning of a downward spiral. I have had to be one step ahead of myself mentally throughout this whole thing, encouraging, cajoling and refusing to label myself a failure (against all my inner voices) if I did not achieve what I set out to do. I has helped me shed and change a lot of old behaviours. I think it is like this for lots of people.
I do a great job of suffering crushing failures but am fortunate in that I have an indomitable optimism that always manages to reassert itself.
The first Parkrun that I built into an unmitigated disaster on the Saturday yet by the Monday had decided to do it again is a case in point. I need to work on not allowing myself to feel so bad about a setback in the first place.
Ultimately though, unless I find a way of enjoying the runs, I think I'll eventually stop.
Ah come on! You have to remember you started this thing, you started running! You where disappointed for not running the whole of the first park run (which is understandable), but we all would have taken that at the beginning of c25k. it's a reflection of how far you have come and how well you have done.
As for giving up. life throws all sorts of curve balls at us. If you remember why you started and what you would lose if you give it up, maybe that would focus your mind differently. It does for me. I hope the positives of running outweigh those negatives. Btw running is getting easier for me, just, 5 months after starting.
Glad to see you back. C25k wouldn't be the same without you.
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I didn't even manage to drag myself out of bed to get to my parkrun. But not beating myself up about it, as I was very tired. 
Forgive me joggers, for I have sinned...
Forgive me fellow runners for I have sinned
W9R3 - I have done it!
I think I have this!!!
O how totally horrible W6R1 was for me.
