Now. Let me start by saying absolutely everyone I met this morning at Ormskirk parkrun was brilliant and lovely.
I have been running since 2020 in lockdown. I am a big girl (5'8, 110kg) who has always hated exercise, and there is a lot of me to shift. I am confident and outgoing in every area of my life except exercise where I used to quickly revert to being the worst fourteen year old in my class, with all the accompanying thoughts of shame and failure. C25K has been brilliant- it's just me and my phone, taking my time and pacing myself as I wanted. I have completed it three times (injuries in between- but never having to go right back to the start) and have felt proud of myself, even though I am very, very slow.
The furthest I'd run this September was 3.6k but I noticed that my pace was starting to improve, and I switched to the 20-30-longer run pattern about three weeks ago, achieving 4.6k in 45 mins (including the 5min warm up and down) last Saturday.
So- when the weather looked so nice today I thought it might be time to try parkrun to get to 5k. I can walk the last bit, I thought. It'll probably be about 55mins- I checked, and Ormskirk last finishes were about that, so I wouldn't be on my own. Everyone else would be in their running gear so no-one would look at me oddly. Even typing that I realise how many demons I'm still carrying around with me about this whole running thing.
Other half was coming too but then was poorly this morning so I thought as I was up I'd go on my own. It was three degrees brrrr, but I made it with a minute to spare, and set off walking round to the start line. In hindsight, I should have used that walk as part of my warm up walk but I stuck to my plan, and as we set off I started my runkeeper and used the first five minutes to warm up. Almost everyone was in front of me but I was ok with that, I expected it, and I knew they had people walking so I wasn't alone.
Then as I started to run, the thoughts began.
"What on earth are you doing? You don't belong here. Look at these people.... they're all faster than you. You're terrible at this. You're the worst runner here by a long way...."
I am a logical person. I tried to counter each one.
"Of course I belong here, it's open to anyone. I may be the slowest but at least I've showed up. I am doing this. I can do this...."
By this time I was sobbing. Tears streaming down my face.
Well, reader- that was my parkrun. I literally cried all the way around. I cried when I decided to finish early because I was so ashamed of myself. I cried when I DIDN'T finish early and made myself carry on. I cried when I overtook the two walkers. I cried when they overtook me back. I cried when I realised that no-one was going home until the two walkers finished, and I could hear children's voices behind me so I knew I wasn't at the back (I didn't realise there was a a tail walker too until afterwards)
I cried when the sun was beating on my face. I cried when my legs were freezing cold.
I cried as I started the third loop. I walked up the hill. I ran down. I walked a bit and ran a bit and tried not to let the walkers get ahead of me. The third loop was better- there was no-one else there! I felt like I could be on my own, no-one running faster than me. The marshals encouraged me, the end was in sight.
Then I sprinted for the line. I overtook the two walkers. I cried as I told them I would never have finished it without them. I got my token. I scanned my barcode.
And I cried all the way home and for quite of lot of my shower and now again writing this too.
On paper this is the most amazing thing I've done.
My time came, it was 51.28. It's the fastest, the furthest, the longest- the everythingest I've ever, ever done. This time last year it would have been inconceivable. This time three months ago it would have been. I am so, so proud of myself. Were it not for all the crying I might even have been a bit faster!
But- mentally- well.... wow. I am utterly exhausted. I am at an absolute loss to know where all that horrible, nasty, disabling mental thought process came from, and what on earth to do about it. Imposter syndrome? Ghosts of School PE past? Seriously, all advice gratefully received. It was crippling and frustrating.
Anyway- I'm writing to say this. It's taken me three years, but today I did couch to actual 5k. I ran 5k. I. RAN. FIVE. K. So if you are at the start of your journey, or if you have been doing it for ages, slogging away like I did and getting nowhere..... keep going.
Just.... keep going.
(thank you to everyone who was kind to me in Ormskirk today, especially at the end when I thought my legs were going to go from under me. parkrun is a lovely event..... xx)
(the photo that says start is clearly at the end but it was the only sign I could find!!)
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SingsAndRuns
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Oh wow. Huge well done to you for sharing this! You’re not alone. I’m not a stranger to running and crying - especially when I was going through stuff. I shed many a tear through various milestones - and my first parkrun was one of them!
The gremlins certainly had a field day with you today! But - you know what? They did not succeed! YOU were the winner. The day was yours! Maybe you needed those tears to banish all the doubts.
Ahhh thank you Jools- that's really encouraging. You're right of course, and I will keep telling myself that for the rest of the day until the gremlins are a distant memory!! xxx
That, SingsAndRuns, is exactly what parkrun is all about. You overcame everything and now you’re overjoyed and proud of yourself, as you should be. You’re a superstar! Massive well done to you! ❤️
oh my gosh I was emotional reading that! How brilliant that you turned up, you ran your race, you SLAYED those demons and you should be so proud of yourself!! A fantastic achievement 👏🏼🎉🥳
Ahhh thank you. I think I probably am, though still a bit disconcerted! The poor lovely lady in the car park, I was telling her how proud I was whilst the tears were still streaming down my face ha ha!! She gave me a hug in the end! Bizarre xx
I did my first parkrun today too and everyone was so lovely - I’m sure the lovely lady who gave you a hug completely understood- we are a weird bunch us runners -of which you are one!! 👍🏼
She was dead nice. I knew they all would be- it's all just so silly- out of nowhere last night I found myself saying, 'no-one's going to laugh at me, are they?' even though I absolutely knew the answer to that question. Just so much vulnerability from out of nowhere. Really strange.
You did really well and yes we are weird ha ha xxx
A very emotional post from you SingsAnd Runs, well done on completing your first parkrun, no more crying when you run your second parkrun, you were not last this morning at Ormskirk parkrun, not even second or third last, you did very well, from now on live up to your username and sing, not cry when running at your second parkrun. 😊 🏃🏾 ✔️
Thank you Jell6. I've been absolutely positive about all of my runs, then suddenly with other people there I felt so lost. It's so, so strange. Thank you for giving me good perspective on my time xxx
I cried with you, reading this makes me so proud to be a runner, and today I was my local parkrun tailwalker and came in at about 55 minutes so you beat my time, the tears needed to come out and you will be stronger for them. Such an inspiring post, super well done and just be proud of who you are
I can not tell you how absolutely vital your role is. I didn't even know they were behind me until the end, but they were, and they weren't alone, and because of that I was able to finish, I was able to face the third lap, I was able to see I wasn't wasting anyone's time..... thank you, THANK YOU, so much for what you do. Tell people, if you have the power- tell them how close I was to failing, how close I was to never coming back.... it makes all the difference. xxx
You are so brave, you went, you did it, you went on your own,, I was lucky to have a couple of forum members meet me for my first parkrun and they waited at the end to cheer me home too, this year has been a year if going out there and doing things on my own though for the first time ever and I know how brave you were, you made a huge success of it too 👏👏👏 xxx
Ahhh it's my mistake, nowster. The people who I was following, who I *thought* were the back, were actually just two people walking the course, who had 'walkers', blue hi vis vests. I freaked out to start with because they were in front of me, but they were just walking.
Behind me was the tail walker, in a different colour I believe. I never saw them, because I never looked back- I was so worried the walkers were the end- but they weren't. And towards the end I realised the tail walker WAS actually behind me with them.
You'll never come last at parkrun because that's the tailwalkers job, that's the beauty of it, we only compete against ourselves, and if you shave a minute or few seconds off your time you will be jumping for joy
Ah, yes. Parkwalkers sometimes wear blue tabards. Tailwalkers usually have the pink tabards, just like most of the other volunteers (with the exception of the Run Director).
Yes they were definitely blue tabards. As it turned out they kind of paced me which was probably not a bad thing. They definitely made it clear that no marshals would leave whilst they were still walking which really helped!!
I was the slowest runner.
I wasn't the final finisher though.
It shouldn't make all the difference, but given on my second loop I was trying to work out how I could escape without the marshals seeing me, it really does!! xxx
You are AMAZING SingsAndRuns . Full of admiration for you. You have done a park run! You have done 5K! You have slain some demons! What a day. You, my friend, are one hell of a success. 🏆
Ahhh you made me cry again, MrsLydia!! Thank you. I feel one hell of a knackered but also feeling quietly content again tonight. I can..... I really can.... do this xxx
You ran... you ran, and ran and your tears will, when you have rested and realise it, have washed away all the past hurts from your childhood....
No more tears now, except of happiness, knowing that you did something you have never done before... but, will do again... with increasing strength and stamina and confidence..
5K... done, dusted... and the beginning of even better things to come.
Ahhhh.... Floss..... these are gorgeous words. Thank you. I will be taking them to my sleep tonight. Strength.... stamina..... confidence..... thank you xxxx
Thank you. Yes I think I do need to stretch a bit today. Hydration too but that's the fault of the Bailey's I got for my birthday last weekend, which may have accidentally been opened last night 😅
Hope you have a lovely day too. Thank you for thinking of me x
I’m a rather ultra-slow Hashimoto runner, with a seeming inability to loose weight. But I run, even if super slow. So reading posts like these do make my heart sing, as I also have to constantly tell myself that running is for every shape of body, and speed is relative.
I too run that speed. I run to be running, not to get fast or slim or anything. I run to do running and be fitter than I was yesterday.
It's literally only this last month something changed, and my easy pace became every so slightly faster. I don't know what changed. I haven't done anything different. I guess bits of my body got quicker or more resilient. Perhaps my perilous ankles are deciding to be stronger. Perhaps my hips are appreciating the high marches I added to my warm down. Perhaps the moon is in a better phase of venus (I don't know what that means)
But I'm not trying- I'm just doing- so, yes, speed is nowhere near as important as doing.
Well done you- keep doing. Do, do doing.
And thank you so much for your kind words xxx
I know this about you, not me....but it might help you to know your post has made a massive difference to me...and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I graduated from C25K in the summer and have since settled into about 3.5k in 30 minutes. (We're talking slow here!) On three occasions I thought I'd try a group run...and despite meeting the nicest, friendliest most supportive, encouraging and kind people - I hated it! No matter how much they told me my pace didn't matter, I felt utterly miserable watching the other runners disappear in a cloud of dust before I'd barely started. This feeling travelled down to my legs which promptly turned to concrete...and I too cried. But you did so much better than me because you had the strength to finish....on the last group run I tried, I couldn't complete the full course and only finished because I did a couple of walking sections. The first (and I hope last) time I've ever not completed a run I set out to do. So please know that you're amazing and you've done brilliantly....I'm truly in awe and will use your story as inspiration. Thank you.
Oh thank you maisiesgranny, it's really good to know it's not just me. I've only done one run with someone else, and I did find it difficult too, so maybe I should have seen this coming, that I might have a bit of a problem with three hundred people!!
I am a stubborn person though, once I've decided I'm doing something, so I am glad I finished it.
I am going to do another one, not for a bit though, no free weekends! But when I do I am going to be prepared, ready for the negative thoughts and just deal with them. I think it's good for me to challenge this thinking, assert my right to be part of a bigger group, even if it is at the back- someone has to be! And maybe someone else will feel inspired by seeing me at the back as well!
Re the 3.5- that was me for absolutely ages, and do you know what? It was fine. If you are content, running well, stretching at the end and getting out there, that's what matters. It took a long, long time for me to move things forward so don't worry if that's where you are for now. Well done for doing what you do, and keep going! x
Wow, just Wow! Sings, this is the most amazing post! It’s such an important post too as it will be so inspirational to others on here! Us whizzened, experienced runners can take doing 5k so much for granted but this post is a reminder of just how important a milestone it is. Thank you so much for sharing 🤗
Thank you for such an inspiring post SingsAndRuns. I have certainly had to battle those demons too. You have achieved something amazing, you kept going and that shows incredible strength, stamina and determination- well done you!!. ❤️
Oh wow! Well done you. So brave. So determined and you did it. That's such an achievement. Hopefully the first of many park runs. The marshalls are lovely people. The other runners are usually lovely people as well. They are all there for the same reason. To have fun and be with like minded people. I hope you feel really proud and tell anyone that stands still long enough, that you've done a park run. I have started C25K and finished three times, since just before lockdown. I'm about to do week 7, because of injuries. I've managed two park runs in all this time. Bask in your glory my lovely. Now you have done one......👍
Ahhh thank you so much. They really were all lovely. And yes, I'm telling far too many people ha ha, they'll be sick of me!! Sorry to hear about your injuries too, I hope week seven is kind to you. Thanks for your kind words x
That was a brilliant read. Never ever forget this day: the day when you were truly AMAZING - AGAIN! What a fantastic achievement!
I've had to do C25K twice this year due to illness and injury and haven't been able to run properly for a while due to more illness. But yours is a tale of what can be achieved - even carrying a whole trolley full of demons on your back.
Ahhh thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I honestly thought I would never reach that particular goal so I'm over the moon (in a quiet and knackered kind of way!)
I hope your journey continues in a really positive way too....
Hi SingsAndRuns. Your post is just amazing, you are so determined and so brave. I heard about your fantastic achievement from one of my parkrun friends. It is a huge encouragement for everyone. Thank you.
Ormskirk is my local park run and I am marshalling there on Saturday. (I wasn't there last week) I am sorry you will not be there as I would love to meet you and say hello in person.
Please let me know next time you come and I will say hello.
Ahhhh thank you so much!! Yes I'm stupidly busy with the 'singing' rather than the 'running' bit of my life for the next few weeks ('tis the season!) but I hope to come and have another go in the new year and I'll definitely come and say hi!!
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