A year ago, pretty much to the day, I came on here whining about how I'd managed to morph my physique into a giant, pink, vaguely human shaped blancmange. I sat here and looked you all in the eye (screen) and told you I was going to change, everything was going to be different.
Funny, huh?
Here we are, another year gone. Another whizz around that fiery orb and the earth is back in the same spot and I'm still mushrooming out of the top of my trousers, needing a coffee break between shoe laces. I still feel like I've been badly sewn together from the contents of a hospital dustbin. I'm still annoying my wife...mind you, I never resolved to stop doing that, not even two-and-a-half bottles of red into New Years' Eve. There is a limit y'know. I'm still whimsically dreaming of being fit and active. Still dreaming of being human shaped. Still pledging to quit smoking.
I loved it last year. I really got into the running, but then struggled with my knee and just lost my way. I do that a lot. I'm like one of those robot vacuum cleaners that you see that's inexplicably ended up 3 miles from home. Programmed to just do some back-and-forthing in the living room, was fine for an hour, someone turned their back momentarily and then something spontaneously glitched and all of a sudden it's off to go hoover up the M6.
That's probably the most apt analogy I've ever made of myself. I'm like one of those.
I've needed to get back into this for a long time. In June, I thought to myself, "well it's Christmas soon, you may as well get that out of the way first".
I've moved house since my last little foray into fitness. Back then, I had a lovely (flat) harbour walk to run up and down with beautiful views; now I live in what appears to be Peppa Pig's home town - there are bloody hills everywhere. Steep ones too. You think if you go uphill going somewhere, it's downhill on the way back. Irrefutable logic right? Wrong. It's uphill both ways. Don't ask me for explanation, I've got nothing.
Actually, I'm on the toes of the New Forest which is going to be fantastic in Spring. The problem with that is that by then I'll probably be back on the sofa in a pair of Y-fronts that have surpassed their life expectancy further than Keith Richards, and a string vest that's bespeckled with unpopped popcorn kernels. I'm a recidivist, from the Latin recidīvus, if that means anything to anyone. I always wonder why dictionaries do that. Who's the person with the scrunched expression at the reading of a word, only for the Latin origin to be produced and they go, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaahhhh".
Anyway, I can't go in with this negative attitude.
I need to devise my run-route that provides minimal uphilledness and, counter-intuitively, minimal downhilledness. Big trucks need big brakes an' I don't have 'em. I'll end up through someone's fence.
I need to spread on that goose fat and wrench myself into that lycra. I need to get back out there and get the zoo keepers scratching their heads again at the footage saying, "No. 'e's definitely not one o' mine".
I need to be sensible though. I need to respect the fact that I'm about as nimble as a walrus. I can't get over zealous. I can't boom and bust.
So, where was I. W6R3 I think...
Happy running, you bunch of fitwits. If anyone spots a flare on the south coast, send help. I'm probably stricken like a tortoise on its back with much, much less chance of self-correction.
Written by
PaulS83
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
What a brilliant, self effacing & amusing post, thanks for making me laugh out loud this afternoon! Blimey, if you'd got to W6 R3 you were well on the way to cracking this, you're certainly further into the programme than I've got to so far. (Another one of my personal records you have comprehensibly broken is the length of your post, I thought I was allergic to brevity! Mind you, if it had been a shorter post there wouldn't have been so many chuckles, so please don't change). I think you should get yourself back out there 3 times a week and write a chronicle of your experiences after each run, that'll keep me amused if nothing else. If the hills around you are a problem you'll maybe have to drive yourself to somewhere flatter to do the runs, (but make sure you have a seat cover for the drive back!) otherwise pick a circuit that's not so hilly that you may have to repeat a few times to get up to 30 minutes. Whatever you do do, get back into it and let us know how it's going.
I've been figuring out a flat route at looks like I'm reduced to circuits. I say circuits. It's actually a roundabout. Just trying to figure out how many times round gets me half an hour...
Hey, whatever issues you think you might have, one things for sure; you have a wonderful sense of humour! Please start the plan, as I want to read your thoughts as you progress through this adventure, and thereafter...... once you have graduated 😁😁😁
I lived chaos on an industrial scale for several decades. All the fun l could get. A single ride in a speeding ambulance simplified my things. All stopped, running started. That's what l meant. No overcooking, just doing.
Improving health is the going straight. It's the other way that's the recidivism. I suppose it's the glass half full vs half empty. Am I a recidivist, or a serial want-to-be-betterer?
Oh my...I can’t wait to read your next post, hurry up...well, I mean don’t rush your run obviously, slow is the way...just hurry up and write about it, you sound funny and inspirational all at once and that’s what we all need! Welcome back to the forum.....we like a lost vacuum 😉
Yes. And more trifley than ever. Ready to test the patience and resolve of everyone again. Remember to wear oven gloves when reading. They take the sting out of the face-palms.
I've just joined the group and your post was the 1st I've read. Thanks, you made me laugh and feel better. I'm at week 4 run 2...this is my 3rd attempt at getting past this run after my knee injury and chest infection... I have created a route to minimise hills or any incline really and I find jogging after 5pm in the dark works wonders for not worrying about my ungainly running style. Best of luck in getting going, I know it's the hardest bit. I'm planning to run my wk4 r2 nemasis tonight! Rocky style jump planned at the foot of my stairs if I make it injury free.
Haha 😂 I remember you from before Paul and loved your hilarious posts. Sorry you’ve turned into a blancmange but welcome back. You know what you’ve got to do.........🏃
I'm sure your words resonates with many of us...believe in yourself you can do it...you can't change the past but you can influence your future all the very best for the journey ahead
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
You can't take the graduate badge away from me!
Please stop if you feel pain! Learn from me!
Wind, waves and weather won't stop me from running
Please tell me it gets easier
