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Andrew and An Unfortunate Acronym

[Younger and sensitive forum members should look away now....]

As many of you know, I've been battling with what to me has been agonising pain, but to most of the physios I've visited has been "just a scratch". No real running for a few weeks. Niggles in my left knee, hip, IT Band and (latterly) arse.

I have been through the assorted advice (and Sports Massage facilities) of my local sports physio.

Enter Andrew. He of the Nuffield Centre in Tunbridge Wells. A new physio in a new place, courtesy of health insurance.

Andrew is taking me through what can best be described as a Physio-Enhanced Niggle Improvement System.

Yes.

Andrew is using his PENIS on me.

I arrive in Royal Tunbridge Wells. Well, High Brooms, which is the decidedly rougher bit of town. A gym and treatment centre next to a multiplex cinema, a bowling alley and a branch of Frankie and Benny's. Classy place.

Andrew's prognosis on Friday was "Probably 4-6 weeks before we're back on track, but let's do a gait analysis on Tuesday to see if there's anything we can do there. Come in your running clobber. In the meantime, do these exercises with religious fervour."

He also set out his measurement scale of pain vs complexity of underlying problems. In order for numpties like me to understand he uses a ruler as a metaphor. On Tuesday my PENIS was around 5 inches. Room there for considerable improvement.

The new accursed data privacy legislation means that they can't any longer film me on their iPads, so I'm under instructions to bring my phone with something called Hudl installed. Some video capture and movement analysis app. Beloved of golfers allegedly. Tho I'm not called Brian and don't habitually wear beige.

I turn up for my appointment suitably suited and booted. Where's my phone? Ah. Charging. At home. 40 minutes away. Own goal then. I explain my predicament, but undeterred I'm shepherded onto a treadmill. Complete with knobs. And Sky TV. We set the thing going. Nice and slowly. I jog for the first time in, well, weeks. I wait for the pain. The awful, searing pain. There is no pain. I just sweat a bit.

It's seems like Andrew's PENIS is going its job.

I jog for 10 minutes. I stop. Andrew has been walking around the treadmill, eagle-eyed, looking for horrific gait issues. There appear to be none. He suggests increasing my cadence. I know about cadence. I've written sodding posts about cadence. We go again. I remember "Patter, patter, patter." I sweat a bit more. I wait for more pain. No pain. Gosh.

We head downstairs to a treatment room. I get to do some one-legged calf raises. Andrew says that doing these is really for the benefit of the muscles in my feet. I'm inclined to believe him. He's not given me any exercise I've not heard of or haven't done before. But understanding from a human being why they're important and what they're doing feels like a big step forward. And better than any YouTube video. Or even, heaven forgive me, an actual book.

Andrew gets out his ruler visual aid. On the effectiveness scale I'm now a whopping 8 inches.

Top Banana.

I am overwhelmed with PENIS envy. I want to get to 10 inches. I intend to grasp it in both hands. No matter how long it takes to extend that far.

Another session booked in for next week. Bring my phone. Working on feet and ankles next.

But best news?

I can run again!! I'm allowed to run again. Keep my cadence up around 160 BPM. That means accursed Podrunner. And no more than a couple of kilometres. No particular horrors with my gait that need correcting. Andrew just wants more of a forefoot strike for a week to see how it goes.

Woohoo!!

At this point, while I don't quite skip back to the car, I feel human again. And grateful to Andrew for his Unfortunate Acronym.

And guess who's going to run up and down a bit in the morning? But do his enlargement exercises with sweaty abandon before then?

Yeah. Me. Brandishing my 8 inches with pride. Thankfully it's a quiet road and no-one will see me. Possibly apart from one of the neighbours and he walks around stark naked most of the time anyway. East Sussex is kind of weird sometimes.....

Welcome back to my bafflingly peculiar world of polysyllables and innuendo. Missed me? Nah, thought not....

xx

141 Replies
oldestnewest

Words fail me, and its not often that happens! But I for one, am glad you are back on the road again!

Take it easy tiger, I'll try not to get envious!

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It was kinda time to shake the place up a bit lol :-)

Who doesn't enjoy a good old-fashioned innuendo?

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🤣🤣🤣 I cannot find the words to respond to that post

Great to see you’re back off the IC though 👍

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Is "Words fail me" a good thing?

I'm back in the game baby!! :-)

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🍆 😂😂😂Good news in all seriousness. x

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Good news? Brilliant news!! And I'm just loving the aubergine. You are a norty lady Alka :-) xx

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Can I just LOL?!

😂😂😂😂

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You can LOL or even push the boat out to LMFAO hon. We're all grown ups here enjoying the holidays :-) What's an innuendo between friends?

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😍

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Welcome back. If you're tempted to wave (your new found manhood) at any other runners you see, think very carefully 👀

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🤣

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I've usually made do with ferns..... we country folk.....

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I love an extended innuendo taken all the way to what can only be described as a logical conclusion! And oh boy, you took that innuendo and ran with it. 😂

But seriously good news by the sounds of it, Sallenson - am very pleased for you. Keep up those exercises now.

Sadie-runs x

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I will hon. I will be a total zealot. And starting posting YouTube links. And become doggedly dull. xx

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Dull?! Never?! A runner with fewer niggles? Yes!

I used to hate strengthening exercises; I love ‘em now as they have kept me running niggle free (touch wood) for almost 5 months. 😁 You got to service the car before you take it out for long spins. 😂

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We may need to do some Springsteen detours if we get into cars.... that's no bad thing mind.... xx

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One needs to run with care when brandishing one's innuendo though, or one might trip over it, or might endanger other runners.

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Awesome progress!!! Just looked up Hudl and downloaded it - might be useful for horse and rider too 😁👍 So glad you’re off the IC again - happy running (well, except for that neighbour, anyway!) 👊

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What great news. 🍻🏃🏻‍♂️

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up, ignore the pain, take it like a man and push on through.

I only have only question, did the arse niggles start before or after the visit to Andrew? 🤔

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😂😂😂

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🤦🏻‍♀️

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Only you, Michael, would have asked that :-) xx

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Sunday name 😬 I must be in trouble 😆

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OMG 😂😂😂

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In the words of Dick Emery (appropriate for the post) “you are naughty but I like you” 😂

I’m going to email you the entire contents of my junk mail folder - there should be something in there to get you to 10 inches 😂😂

Great news Stephen! Boom 💥💥💥👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

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😂😂😂

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🤩🤩🤩

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Is that like the weird Ice Cold pants thing that we all got lumbered with a while back?

Meanwhile, don't you have "sheep" to attend to?....

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Ice cold pants? Don't knock them 'til you've tried them.

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It's YOU!! It's YOU!! Be still my beating heart!!

Oh wowsas!!

My beloved Dee is back again!!

How's my distant lovely?

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Hi! 🖐 Good to hear you are becoming niggle-free! You're back on track, lad. 👍

I'm ok! Running a few times a week, stuck mainly on treadmill still, so that is what it is.

Still investigating icing stuff... put my buff in the freezer (oooh, matron!) for outdoor run on Monday (sigh, I just don't learn) but that was a fail. As was the run in the humidity. Same same, my friend. Nothing to report here.

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Aww honey!! Glad you popped your head over the parapet. I miss the old times tho.... xx

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C25K is the age of innocence, isn't it. Good times.

Nah it's all good here! Had a fab run today, getting fitter and running further so life is peachy. Just rather be doing it all outside ☀️

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I would like to say here that I have PENIS envy, but the thought of running around sporting 10 inches is curiously repellent in a woman, so I will confine myself to saying how pleased I am for you. And remember, size doesn’t matter (though that saying could only have been coined by a man with a very small PENIS)

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Or someone re-enacting Spinal Tap with a foil-covered cucumber.....

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Lol

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Is Andrew’s Number like the Borg Number 0-10.🤔.

Is their hope after 10.🤔

That is great news Sallenson.

Another session booked , the mind boggles.🤔

No wonder poor Jay is concerned about the size of the boat. 🤔

Please note someone got rid of the train.Not sure if that was on a cost basis.🤔

Keep healing and posting.

Don’t miss the boat/flotilla.

I do not even know where it leaves from on the 17/08/18.

There is no harbour at the Nuffield is there.🤔

Take good care of you.💥🏃‍♂️💥

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I think there was a bus last time. No loos. The DVD player got a sandwich stuck in it. And some of the boys emptied bottles of IrnBru on the back seat to stop the girls sitting there. And then there were fights. And someone stole my cheese.

It was like Made in Chelsea really. Only less real. :-)

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Yes your right it was a bus.🙈😂

I had forgotten all of that.🙈😂

But that’s par for the course with me.Just a silly old fool really.🙈

Yes the loo thing was awful, come to think of it, I do remember not seeing the latest sign in loos , you know the one the 3 P’s

All that goes down here is pee, poo and paper.

Great that you are making good progress Sallenson and thanks for a good laugh and the fun.

More to come.💥🏃‍♂️💥

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Good news - innuendos aside I’m really pleased for you. Not feeling quick enough for innuendos right now so here’s a 🥕. 😆🏃👍

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Nothing beats a carrot. Except an aubergine. I dunno. Ask Ripcurlrana71. Beats me :-)

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I am pleased you have your recovery in hand!! Welcome back sallenson :) ;)

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Hang on, let me check....

* looks down *

Yup. There it is.

Now. Where did I put my trainers :-)

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Sounds like there’s a happy ending on the way at least 🤣

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It was "touch and go" there for a while... :-)

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😆

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Brilliant news Stephen and a great post to boot!

Congratulations and welcome back to the happy world of running 🏃‍♂️👍👏👏

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Let the madness commence!! xx

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Welcome back, and thank goodness for Andrew and his acronym ! You must be delighted with the 8 inches 😱😂

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At least my shorts won't fall down again. Hopefully....

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Well thank goodness for that! What would Bedgebury locals say😂

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😂😂🤣🤣😂😂

Glad things are looking up - good to have you back! ❤️🏃‍♂️

Welcome to the forefootstriking side of life then,

I guess...😃

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Is forefoot striking good? I have no idea. I know heelstriking isn't. If only someone could post a YouTube video :-)

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I think they keep changing their minds, and it depends who you ask. Some people now say you’re best doing what comes naturally, even if that’s heelstriking. Some say fore to midfoot striking is better for you. Forefoot strike is natural to me (even if I do it badly! 😖) and I find it best for shock absorption for my spine. 😊❤️

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Maybe wearing red lycra is the way to go...

Baffling this stuff. I'll listen to my Inner Andrew for the next few weeks... xx

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Sadie-runs - the only logical conclusion for this innuendo must be a happy ending... 💦 😂

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Oh, there's always one isn't there. Always one who takes the gentle innuendo in hand and thrashes the life out of it and leaves it soft and leaking on..hang on...stop now.... :-)

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Squeeeeeak! Guffaw!

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No no, stop it, it’s too much 😂

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That’s what they all say when faced with the Mighty Medically Enhanced Member (of this running forum)

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Enough simon.. really 😂😂😂

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He never used to be like this. I can only apologise for his feverish contributions to what has been a measured and sane set of responses so far... :-)

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Absolutely its all Simons fault 😂

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Brexit too? Bit harsh. I'm still _SimonT_ 's buddy.... 😁

We've got history...

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Great news on the 8, even better if you can get to 10, Andrew certainly is top banana, but where are the pics?

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😂😂😂

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You're a very visual person Julia. But on this occasion at least, pics are likely to induce either nausea or envy... xx

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!!!!

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I have clearly been focused on the wrong thing for the past few months! I never realised that strengthening exercises could have such dramatic results 😁😁 good to have you back

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All these side benefits should be picked up and run with....

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Well you sure know how to make a (re-)entrance Stephen! Glad it's good news x

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Sure do, hon!! I saw the opportunity for a bit of light banter and, well, just completely over-cooked it. Again. :-)

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😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

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Well obviously everybody needs an Andrew. I’m glad he’s working wonders for you - and am really actually quite jealous that you’ve found a way to get rid of niggles. Not too sure my husband would be too chuffed if I told him I was trying the PENIS method with Andrew. Food for thought🤔

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Wearing my "slightly serious" face for a moment, Andrew's being great. Probably best not to mention an alternative treatment plan to hubby tho :-)

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Definately missed you! And so glad to have you back on top form, if not running yet then absolutely posting top form.

Love that you are now feeling a good 10 inches 👍. Look forward to your next post! 😂🤣😂

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Aww, hon. Ta!! It'll be back to trees and squirrels and stuff for me now. Hopefully. xx

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😂😂😂 !!!

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Welcome back!

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Me arriving late to the party and then breaking the doors down....

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As long as it’s doors and not your legs you are breaking them we’ll be fine!

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I'll try not to, hon. There's part of me that's a bit excited about getting out there at lunchtime. I might well drop a post onto the C25K forum. A whole set of people who can be alarmed by me :-)

W1R1 Redux here we go, 2-3-4.....

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Aim for 10inches and not 5k it will be a much more rewarding experience for everyone 😘😘😘 great news xxx

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I'll see if I can run for 10 inches today and see what happens xx

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Hmmm, I think we've had this discussion, and slower and longer is usually better for all concerned.

I'm saying, if you aim for 10 inches, I fear disappointment.

... what were we talking about? 🙈😅🍆

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I was in the mood for a quickie today....

Oh, Stephen, for heaven's sake, just STOP THIS!! :-)

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I have held in my giggles while reading your post sallenson ...I am an hour in front of you lot & poss a bottle of wine too...8 inches is something to be proud of but grasping 10 inches with both hands, well, this is certainly no mean fete!! But I am sure that you will manage...I want to move to East Sussex!!! Lol x

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Giggles and wine? Woof! My kinda lady!! xx

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I now need to go and have my stitches removed!!! A great read and sounds like you are doing well.

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Slowly sloughing off the IC and getting back down to business :-)

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Fab read as always there Stephen 😊😁🤣

Even more fantastic is you can get back out there 🏃🏃‍♀️🏃🏃‍♀️let's do this 😁 are you going to take it easy easy? Or attempt ju ju's new plan?

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My wife looked sternly at me last night and said "Slowly..." I think she meant the running, not the improved wotsits :-)

I'll do a run from each week of the C25K every other day and see how it goes. ju-ju- will be patient and wait for me :-)

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🤣😂🤣

Good plan 👍🏃🏃‍♀️😊

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You will get there...

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Yup. I'll have a wander out at lunchtime and see how C25KW1R1 feels. 60 seconds of running? Is that even humanly possible? Wowsas... xx

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Good stuff.... you need a mantra- inspired by Andrew perhaps?!

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What a Brillant idea Ju-Ju.

Endless possibilities.🤔

Perhaps Stephen could open it up to the forum to come up with suggestions for his mantra.

Perhaps not.

But how about Our Wullie Runs Again.🙈🤔😂

Be careful this might bring a whole new meaning to 10 the magic number the 10K plan.🤔

💥🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️🐆💥

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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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clearly 10 really is the Magic number for sallenson !!

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Head full of lyrics from The Beautiful South...

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My own personal Beautiful South was in fine shape when we went out at lunchtime. Next time I'm expecting a podium or a flagpole or other suitable erection :-)

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I have suggested to Sallenson on your post that he brings his seretary to take notes at a group session of the panther cubs , so he can participate in formulating his own mantra as you suggest.🤔

Also suggested leave the top banana, Andrew at home, maybe he may complicate things. Perhaps not.🤔😂

💥🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️🐅💥

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🤣🤣 Missed you terribly! Wishing you lots more improvement. Welcome back!! ❤️

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Good to be back, hon xx

I promise no more silliness, honest!! xx

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Oooh don’t do that! I absolutely love the “silliness”! 😍❤️

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I don't think I'm genetically capable of not being silly. You've been warned....

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You never fail to make running sound like so much fun and that’s inspired me to have so much fun along this journey. So thank you!! ❤️

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Careful.... You know what I'm like with spontaneously bursting into tears....xx

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Just a question mentioning tears 😭.

If Andrew’s measurement shows 0-1,does he offer treatment or does he just leave his patients on the couch.🤔

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Not sure. Maybe he just asks the people milling around the building to come in and have a good laugh...

I just had people swooning in anticipation lol xx

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I guess Andrew calls the shots.

It is the garden of England after all and maybe it’s the top banana growing region.

Maybe Andrew could drum up more business else where.

Perhaps he is looking to expand into many different fields.

Why am I bothered about Andrew’s business,

Oh yes, I remember he is successfully repairing Stephen.

Atb 🐅, Go you 💥🏃‍♂️💥

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I do not see your name down on the list for the boat 17/8/18.🤔

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No Tbae! Thought about it a lot (🤪) and I’ve decided to leave it for now. It doesn’t seem quite right for me yet. I’m going to get regular 5k’s under my belt and then will see what’s next. ❤️

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Whatever is right for you.👍👏👏

Whenever you are ready, jump on.

Go you Fabulous.💥🏃‍♀️💥💃

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😁 Thank you!! ❤️

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Wise as well as fabulous.....xx

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So just seen your comment on one of posts and thought I’d read your latest to get to know you a bit better! Wow that was an insight and then some 😂😂😂 hilarious mate, really made me chuckle x

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Oh Lord!! Someone else who thinks I'm a complete nutter!!

I do have sane moments from time to time. Honest!! xx

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Haha please don’t justify! Bloody amazing post 😊xx

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In fact you’ve gained a follower...anyway that can make me laugh gets a 👍🏽 from me!!

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Thought I'd strayed onto Tinder for a moment :O

Not of course that I know what goes on on Tinder. My daughters tell me about it.

Erm...

I'm very pleased you're back, with your 10 inches :)

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It's good to be back. I'm under strict instructions to take it nice and easy and Andrew knows best.

C25KW1 here I come - deja-vu all over again eh?

Tinder? The very idea :-)

xx

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Oh my word, how I laughed!! So glad you’re back on the road though, brandishing your 8 inches with pride :) remember it’s not the size, it’s what you do with it that counts! 😂

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I'm going to brandish it at C25K W1 at lunchtime. Just to see it proudly vanquishing those 60 secs of running.

Deja-vu all over again. But with added innuendo... :-)

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Wow!!! I was looking forward to coming back to C25k and it appears it’s been renamed C210ins in my absence. Can’t remember the last time I saw........

But I digress.. glad you’re back Stephen. I’m just off to the hospital for an X-ray on my errant wrist. It got jealous of the attention the ankle got and has been jumping about shouting “ look at me mummy, I can hurt too!!”.

Still at least it won’t affect my running.... just every flipping thing else!!! Except texting ( done with one finger)

I want an Andrew, Emma’s ( my physio) good but she’s not like the real thing 😜

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Blimey hon you're in the wars - big hugs okay?

I seem to have lucked out with my physio. But he's the third in what seems like as many weeks. Sensible guy tho and is doing me the world of good.

I've got my EJBs all packed and ready for "The Return of C210ins - W1" just to see how I get on. Fingers and toes crossed xx

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Well another 5 and a bit weeks and I’ll be back there again too. Still THIS time I KNOW I can do it

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Time to start ticking off the days and planning your re-inaugural outfit!!

What's your plan to get the show back on the road, apart from nice and gently?

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Well ive been doing core strength and was doing arm stuff too till wrist got worse. And I’ve done gentle ankle exercises and then walking every day ( for my 50 mile August Challenge - 12 miles left to do), and I’ve bought a wobble board to build ankle strength.

Then doc suggested speedwalking the last 2 weeks before I run and then I’m going to start at week 1 and work my way through again.

I know I’ll be tempted but im planning to do the whole 9 weeks and not suddenly belt out a 5k or two midway........ but I’m not promising. I’m hoping for stronger and better after this injury.🤞

Oh and I’ve already bought the flamingo leggings.

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It'll be fantastic. Cos you're fantastic!!

You'll make a whole new set of running buddies and you'll go in with your eyes open and full of incredible wisdom and advice.

This is going to be absolutely brilliant... xx

Those leggings sound like the best thing ever xx

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I’ll post pics when I start. Flick will be soo jealous!! 🤣

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Hope your lunchtime 'quickie' goes alright!

Personally, I don't have PENIS envy, but I am hoping that my Niggle and Injury Prevention Strategy remains sound. That's right, I'm counting on effective NIPS.

If anyone wonders, it's all about Taking It Tortoise-Slow ...

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There is the start of minor epidemic of saucy acronym building :-)

Get in there!!

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Can I just add that, faced with a 10inch "improver," I would probably set a new PB over 10K, which is saying something as I'm on W5R1 on C25K.

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But you have a great pic on your post Ian!! Good luck with W5 - sure you'll smash it!!

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Brilliantly funny! I just wrote “Do you come on audible?” But had second thoughts, given the general tone...

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That was a wise decision. You know what they're like on here. Tongues will wag. And maybe That was the wrong thing to type. Gosh, this is complicated..... xx

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I'm feeling a bit envious now... Both my physios kept their PENIS under wraps - no 10 inches for me!

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It's probably a Kent/Sussex thing. It's very weird down here xx

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Can't believe I missed this!! Fortunately canteen was largely empty so one weirdo giggling at her phone was pretty much ignored!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

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😂😂😂

(Can’t speak as laughing so much).

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