[Younger and sensitive forum members should look away now....]
As many of you know, I've been battling with what to me has been agonising pain, but to most of the physios I've visited has been "just a scratch". No real running for a few weeks. Niggles in my left knee, hip, IT Band and (latterly) arse.
I have been through the assorted advice (and Sports Massage facilities) of my local sports physio.
Enter Andrew. He of the Nuffield Centre in Tunbridge Wells. A new physio in a new place, courtesy of health insurance.
Andrew is taking me through what can best be described as a Physio-Enhanced Niggle Improvement System.
Yes.
Andrew is using his PENIS on me.
I arrive in Royal Tunbridge Wells. Well, High Brooms, which is the decidedly rougher bit of town. A gym and treatment centre next to a multiplex cinema, a bowling alley and a branch of Frankie and Benny's. Classy place.
Andrew's prognosis on Friday was "Probably 4-6 weeks before we're back on track, but let's do a gait analysis on Tuesday to see if there's anything we can do there. Come in your running clobber. In the meantime, do these exercises with religious fervour."
He also set out his measurement scale of pain vs complexity of underlying problems. In order for numpties like me to understand he uses a ruler as a metaphor. On Tuesday my PENIS was around 5 inches. Room there for considerable improvement.
The new accursed data privacy legislation means that they can't any longer film me on their iPads, so I'm under instructions to bring my phone with something called Hudl installed. Some video capture and movement analysis app. Beloved of golfers allegedly. Tho I'm not called Brian and don't habitually wear beige.
I turn up for my appointment suitably suited and booted. Where's my phone? Ah. Charging. At home. 40 minutes away. Own goal then. I explain my predicament, but undeterred I'm shepherded onto a treadmill. Complete with knobs. And Sky TV. We set the thing going. Nice and slowly. I jog for the first time in, well, weeks. I wait for the pain. The awful, searing pain. There is no pain. I just sweat a bit.
It's seems like Andrew's PENIS is going its job.
I jog for 10 minutes. I stop. Andrew has been walking around the treadmill, eagle-eyed, looking for horrific gait issues. There appear to be none. He suggests increasing my cadence. I know about cadence. I've written sodding posts about cadence. We go again. I remember "Patter, patter, patter." I sweat a bit more. I wait for more pain. No pain. Gosh.
We head downstairs to a treatment room. I get to do some one-legged calf raises. Andrew says that doing these is really for the benefit of the muscles in my feet. I'm inclined to believe him. He's not given me any exercise I've not heard of or haven't done before. But understanding from a human being why they're important and what they're doing feels like a big step forward. And better than any YouTube video. Or even, heaven forgive me, an actual book.
Andrew gets out his ruler visual aid. On the effectiveness scale I'm now a whopping 8 inches.
Top Banana.
I am overwhelmed with PENIS envy. I want to get to 10 inches. I intend to grasp it in both hands. No matter how long it takes to extend that far.
Another session booked in for next week. Bring my phone. Working on feet and ankles next.
But best news?
I can run again!! I'm allowed to run again. Keep my cadence up around 160 BPM. That means accursed Podrunner. And no more than a couple of kilometres. No particular horrors with my gait that need correcting. Andrew just wants more of a forefoot strike for a week to see how it goes.
Woohoo!!
At this point, while I don't quite skip back to the car, I feel human again. And grateful to Andrew for his Unfortunate Acronym.
And guess who's going to run up and down a bit in the morning? But do his enlargement exercises with sweaty abandon before then?
Yeah. Me. Brandishing my 8 inches with pride. Thankfully it's a quiet road and no-one will see me. Possibly apart from one of the neighbours and he walks around stark naked most of the time anyway. East Sussex is kind of weird sometimes.....
Welcome back to my bafflingly peculiar world of polysyllables and innuendo. Missed me? Nah, thought not....
xx
Written by
sallenson
Graduate10
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I love an extended innuendo taken all the way to what can only be described as a logical conclusion! And oh boy, you took that innuendo and ran with it. 😂
But seriously good news by the sounds of it, Sallenson - am very pleased for you. Keep up those exercises now.
I used to hate strengthening exercises; I love ‘em now as they have kept me running niggle free (touch wood) for almost 5 months. 😁 You got to service the car before you take it out for long spins. 😂
Awesome progress!!! Just looked up Hudl and downloaded it - might be useful for horse and rider too 😁👍 So glad you’re off the IC again - happy running (well, except for that neighbour, anyway!) 👊
Hi! 🖐 Good to hear you are becoming niggle-free! You're back on track, lad. 👍
I'm ok! Running a few times a week, stuck mainly on treadmill still, so that is what it is.
Still investigating icing stuff... put my buff in the freezer (oooh, matron!) for outdoor run on Monday (sigh, I just don't learn) but that was a fail. As was the run in the humidity. Same same, my friend. Nothing to report here.
C25K is the age of innocence, isn't it. Good times.
Nah it's all good here! Had a fab run today, getting fitter and running further so life is peachy. Just rather be doing it all outside ☀️
I would like to say here that I have PENIS envy, but the thought of running around sporting 10 inches is curiously repellent in a woman, so I will confine myself to saying how pleased I am for you. And remember, size doesn’t matter (though that saying could only have been coined by a man with a very small PENIS)
I think there was a bus last time. No loos. The DVD player got a sandwich stuck in it. And some of the boys emptied bottles of IrnBru on the back seat to stop the girls sitting there. And then there were fights. And someone stole my cheese.
It was like Made in Chelsea really. Only less real.
I think they keep changing their minds, and it depends who you ask. Some people now say you’re best doing what comes naturally, even if that’s heelstriking. Some say fore to midfoot striking is better for you. Forefoot strike is natural to me (even if I do it badly! 😖) and I find it best for shock absorption for my spine. 😊❤️
Oh, there's always one isn't there. Always one who takes the gentle innuendo in hand and thrashes the life out of it and leaves it soft and leaking on..hang on...stop now....
I have clearly been focused on the wrong thing for the past few months! I never realised that strengthening exercises could have such dramatic results 😁😁 good to have you back
Well obviously everybody needs an Andrew. I’m glad he’s working wonders for you - and am really actually quite jealous that you’ve found a way to get rid of niggles. Not too sure my husband would be too chuffed if I told him I was trying the PENIS method with Andrew. Food for thought🤔
I'll try not to, hon. There's part of me that's a bit excited about getting out there at lunchtime. I might well drop a post onto the C25K forum. A whole set of people who can be alarmed by me
I have held in my giggles while reading your post sallenson ...I am an hour in front of you lot & poss a bottle of wine too...8 inches is something to be proud of but grasping 10 inches with both hands, well, this is certainly no mean fete!! But I am sure that you will manage...I want to move to East Sussex!!! Lol x
My own personal Beautiful South was in fine shape when we went out at lunchtime. Next time I'm expecting a podium or a flagpole or other suitable erection
I have suggested to Sallenson on your post that he brings his seretary to take notes at a group session of the panther cubs , so he can participate in formulating his own mantra as you suggest.🤔
Also suggested leave the top banana, Andrew at home, maybe he may complicate things. Perhaps not.🤔😂
No Tbae! Thought about it a lot (🤪) and I’ve decided to leave it for now. It doesn’t seem quite right for me yet. I’m going to get regular 5k’s under my belt and then will see what’s next. ❤️
So just seen your comment on one of posts and thought I’d read your latest to get to know you a bit better! Wow that was an insight and then some 😂😂😂 hilarious mate, really made me chuckle x
It's good to be back. I'm under strict instructions to take it nice and easy and Andrew knows best.
C25KW1 here I come - deja-vu all over again eh?
Tinder? The very idea
xx
Oh my word, how I laughed!! So glad you’re back on the road though, brandishing your 8 inches with pride remember it’s not the size, it’s what you do with it that counts! 😂
Wow!!! I was looking forward to coming back to C25k and it appears it’s been renamed C210ins in my absence. Can’t remember the last time I saw........
But I digress.. glad you’re back Stephen. I’m just off to the hospital for an X-ray on my errant wrist. It got jealous of the attention the ankle got and has been jumping about shouting “ look at me mummy, I can hurt too!!”.
Still at least it won’t affect my running.... just every flipping thing else!!! Except texting ( done with one finger)
I want an Andrew, Emma’s ( my physio) good but she’s not like the real thing 😜
Well ive been doing core strength and was doing arm stuff too till wrist got worse. And I’ve done gentle ankle exercises and then walking every day ( for my 50 mile August Challenge - 12 miles left to do), and I’ve bought a wobble board to build ankle strength.
Then doc suggested speedwalking the last 2 weeks before I run and then I’m going to start at week 1 and work my way through again.
I know I’ll be tempted but im planning to do the whole 9 weeks and not suddenly belt out a 5k or two midway........ but I’m not promising. I’m hoping for stronger and better after this injury.🤞
Personally, I don't have PENIS envy, but I am hoping that my Niggle and Injury Prevention Strategy remains sound. That's right, I'm counting on effective NIPS.
If anyone wonders, it's all about Taking It Tortoise-Slow ...
That was a wise decision. You know what they're like on here. Tongues will wag. And maybe That was the wrong thing to type. Gosh, this is complicated..... xx
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Cadence questions 
7.06km in memory of pc Andrew Harper ❤️
