I am sitting here with the door open, with cold clean air wafting through it into me … as I sit, thinking of the full moon tonight, … I suddenly realize that at 12:00 am it will become the date that my brother died in 97’, 26 years ago.
When I saw him hanging from the ceiling, my head immediately went down and then I died with him in a way.
I used to be afraid after that at night. Afraid that I would relive it and I started drinking heavily to soothe myself, numbing my anguish. All I thought of and all I talked about for years was him and how much I wish I could have saved him and I missed him so unimaginably. I decorated my home with pictures of him; some photographs and some drawings, self-portraits and I’m not sure why I did that but it bothered my sister. I can’t recall when I took them down. Each night I would be afraid because that is when he did it, killed himself during the dark of night/early morning hours.
I feel wired tonight and cannot sleep yet. It’s cloudy so I can’t see the full pink moon but I do feel it in the same way that I feel my brother.
I feel like my mom’s recent death was her freedom as she had Alzheimer’s and was stuck in a body that didn’t serve her … and now I realize that so was his death a freedom, since he was plagued by mental health and drug and alcohol problems. I tried to save him and knew something would happen to him, thought he would die… i was at night school one evening and I had a sudden feeling that he would die so I came home, even warned him by asking him to go to the doctor and take better care of himself. But he refused and said he was all good. But I knew better. I would continue to feel the same dark feelings for years after. In ‘95 I had a vision like a dream but I was awake and in my mind’s eye I saw him as a white flying horse and knew he would die soon but I never told him about the vision, just tried to help him.
I also used to be afraid that one of my kids would some day create another hell on earth by taking their life. But I realize now that my kids have a good life with great support from my husband and I with open communication and friends and we don’t let our light shut completely off and I feel none of us ever will.
This brings me to think that the only way I could see myself taking my life like my bro did would be if I got Alzheimer’s disease because although my mom was taken care of by me and many others, I don’t know who would want to take care of me and besides I really don’t want to have people take care of me if I can’t help myself; I’d rather die and this makes me feel sad but the situation when the disease grabs onto you all that takes place is always sad for anyone involved.
I feel like my mom is with me here tonight to help me heal from the horrible event that I am reliving. But with my brother, I always felt a darkness connected with him after that Spring day so it’s hard to perceive straight and feel him and sometimes I push him away along with the memories. My heart beats faster when my memory shows me the scene that I found my brother in. I think those who have passed are stress free now and are angels, watching over us. ❤️ ❤️ maybe I’ll get a sign that he is ok and that I’ll see him again.
Written by
Starrlight
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Thank you, beautiful. *Hugging you back with love * Just recently like in the past week I’ve been feeling more sensitive and tearing up easily and getting frustrated easily.
I too lost a brother. However not by suicide. Or maybe it was in a different kind of way. He had been feeling ill for quite some time but chose not to do anything about it. That's because he did not care anymore. His heart was broken. His ex came back into his life and spun a web of false feelings and lies. And he pinned his hopes and dreams to them. But once He found out, that it was all for nothing. That he would never get back the life he had with her or his children. It broke his heart. Maybe he died of a broken heart. His autopsy said mild cardial infarction and he showed signs of cirrhosis of the liver. My brother did not fear death. In fact I think he welcomed it.
I am reminded of a quote from a Japanese anime about death and it seems fitting to my brother. It goes...
Do not fear death. Death is always at our side. When you show fear it jumps at us faster than light. But If we don't show fear, it cast its eye upon us gently and guides us into eternity.
Maybe that's why my brother passed away in his sleep. He never wanted to grow old. In fact he said it many times that he did not want to be in his '50s. He got his wish. He died at the age of 45. The only thing you did not expect was that he was the glue that held this family together. When he died our family died with him. He probably get a kick out of that. He never thought of himself as much. After he died we pretty much stop all family gatherings. No thanksgivings together, no Christmases, no New Year's, no Easter's etc. We pretty much all do our own thing. I know my mom, My sister IG and brother-in-law take the death of his anniversary hard. In fact my brother-in-law still hasn't seen the Batman movie because he died on the release day of it.
And the reason why I kind of compared it to suicide is because his long-lost son came back into our lives. Unfortunately a bit too late for him. My brother was already gone by then. And he has so many questions that only my brother can answer. I can only guess as to what my brother was thinking and guess at the decisions that my brother made. Trying to get into a mind of a 17-year-old boy and what they would do if they found out their girlfriend was pregnant. I know that does nothing for my nephew. He's now a man himself and wonders if my brother ever cared about him. What I do know is that if my brother would have stuck around, he would have been really proud of his son.
I'm an agnostic and basically what that means is I don't know if there's an afterlife. I like to think if there is one that my brother was greeted by our grandfather. And maybe they're fishing together right now. That's a happy thought. Anyways starlight I'm really sorry you had to witness that. I'm sorry that is seared into your memory and it's something that you cannot unsee. I'm also sorry you lost your mom. But I know she is proud of you and I'm sure your brother would be too. ❤️🫂💔
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. That must be hard, those changes in the family. You must miss the good ol times with them all. ((((((Hug))))) I am agnostic as well.
I can understand that. My husband suicided in May 1991. I was staying with my father 60 miles away.
The following day we travelled to his town for a mediation hearing; he didn't turn up. As I had a non molestation order I called the police and they came with me to the house, and found that, even with my keys, we could not get in. So I authorised them to break in, and they found him upstairs in bed, but he could not be revived. He had slashed all my clothes and broken everything I valued.
He was an alcoholic, vicious man, possibly in part to a head injury he suffered at a boat yard some years before, although he had always had a bad temper. He had also recently lost his job at an I.T. firm, through no fault of his own, his department was made redundant, as the company was in difficult straits.
His mother, after the funeral, went to the police station and accused me of murdering him. The police officer who took her accusation let her know that he was the one who had to break in, even though he had my keys, and there was no way I could have done it and locked and frame bolted all the doors and windows from the inside.
I had to give a statement, as did my father, to the fact that we were 60 miles away, and it dropped off the radar until the Inquest, where she tried to overturn the Coroner's verdict. It wasn't an easy time.
My personal opinion is that he expected to be found, with the blue lights and Nee Naws, and would be carted off to hospital, as he had been twice before.
Sorry for your loss, and doubly so that you were the one to find him.
Really so sorry you're suffering like this {{{hugs}}}
Your memories are very traumatic and you may have been told this before but please
do think about therapy.
Alzheimer's is a terrible disease and frightening to even contemplate, so please try not to think too much about this, a therapist will teach you coping mechanisms to help.
On a positive note, you have brought your children up well, cherish the love they give you.
If you need to chat with someone urgently, please check out our resources <3
I so admire you too. You are so kind. Your heart is beautiful. Let’s shine bright today. I just said a health and healing prayer for you and your mom. ❤️
Awww my darling that’s so terribly sad! You did your very best by your brother. Sadly sometimes there’s just nothing more you can do to help, they’ve already made their decision. I know this all to well my nephew committed suicide 17 years ago at the age of 24. He walked in front of a train. He was around his immediate family who never noticed anything different about him. He left his aunts house saying he was going to his dads. Everyone thought he was somewhere else. He never made it to his dads. It took police to days to trace his mum and dad. They had to lift fingerprints but as he didn’t have a criminal record and had no identification on him it took two days. It’s been a living nightmare as everyone feels they should’ve noticed a difference in him but there was none. He left everyone in his usual cheery way saying he would see them in a couple of days. Little did we know we would never see him again! He’d just made up his mind that he was going to do it. I don’t know what more the family could’ve done as they were always so supportive of him. I’m sure your brother is okay now and his soul is finally at peace. You’ve been an amazing sister and daughter! It’s been really hard on you. I to looked after my mum who had Vascular Dementia until her death and it was super hard. Seeing her slip away little by little every day. It was exhausting at times but I wouldn’t change a thing. She was and still is loved so very much! Don’t be too hard on yourself as I really don’t know what more you could’ve done to change the outcome of either. You’re amazing and allowed to feel down about these things as your human and not devoid of feelings. We are all here to help support you through whatever we can. Sending you prayers hugs and love 🌈🙏🏻💔😘xx
You’re amazing and I want to thank you deeply for your understanding and supportive words. It means so much. I’m so sorry about your nephew it’s so tragic. Blessings to you always. ❤️
sending love and hugs to you Starrlight. Suicide is so difficult, my Father and younger Sister both committed suicide, l spent many years feeling l had let them down by not finding them or healing them, l truly believe that they are at peace now but it was a journey for me to get to that. I wish you and your family well xx
I’m so sorry for your losses. Thank you. I’ve had dreams in which I was visited by three of my loved ones and I think they are very very happy now. Like you, after the suicide, I thought my bro was still in a bad place for a stretch.
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