grief, in a similar way to how you are or have been feeling since the loss of a loved one?
The emotion of grief applies to so many life situations, and personally, the onset of a serious illness and the loss of the job I really enjoyed because of it, it, are two life experiences that left me with serious grief.
Love to hear from you.
Chloe <3
Two situations spring to mind:
I have been encouraged by my reading to think about what else I have lost with my love one. Their other roles such as teacher, comforter, companion etc. Doing this is revealing but repeats my grief because I now have lost so much more than the person.
At the same time as losing my mum and my job, I am also losing my youth. This year I commissioned a 2nd set of portrait for social media because the last set taken only a few years ago bear little resemblance to how I see myself now. I have spent over 50 years enjoying my youth without realising it and now I have to plan for maturity when I have to put to good use all that I have learnt. This makes losing both parents a double blow. This time, I can benefit from knowing beforehand that I am at the start of a journey and it's not too late.
I look forward to hearing from you all on this question.
My goodness Greyone
You really have been busy thinking! doesn't it hurt even more to look at the other roles your loved carried out?
Yes, passing years always brings with it the loss of opportunities past, and that doesn't help knowing we're getting older, it can knock our self esteem quite badly from my experience.
Chloe x
Hi C40,
It did initially. I am starting to think that it is important to realise the part someone plays in your life. It may be better than realising later on that you are missing something like asking mum for advice about something, then maybe thinking "if mum was around...".
I was reading about that when I was waiting for an appointment and then it hit me all the things mum used to do for me.
When we're bereft and unsure if we need help, we seem to turn to books instinctively and I remember now that I did a lot of Googling and could not find anything I could be certain of. Eventually, I recall finding a series of CBT based books and wondered.
You know, I now remember one of our members mentioning a book by Alan Wolfelt. I remember hearing an interview with him in a podcast and he was very interesting, I even got a transcript of his program to read through. I used a lot of his advice to create a personal project.
I think what I'm trying to say is that it's such a shame we do not have a single route to support or at least a clear roadmap. Given the number of people that go through grief many multiple times! In the same way that we long for better support and help fo so many conditions. Till then I think your indispensable < smiley face with red cheeks>
( ... and relax ...)
G1
Hi Greyone
I can see your reasoning and I'm gad that it helps you.
You're so right, if only there was a 'clear map or route' wouldn't that me great and actually very necessary.
I think there are so many different books and advice out there that it is so easy to become confused when we're already some what confused by our grief.
Thank you! much appreciated<3
Chloe x
After my mum died just over five years ago, I discovered that my father was lying to me and was seeing a woman whom he had seen in the past when mum was alive. I don't think they had ever stopped seeing each other. He wouldn't tell me much, just that they were "just friends" but I knew how hurt and upset mum had been twenty years previously when he had lied to her and wouldn't talk to her about it. They perhaps were just friends but it was an emotional friendship which perhaps is worse than a physical relationship in some ways. I was shocked and didn't feel I knew my father any more - if ever I had. I tried to step back a little but then dad was diagnosed with dementia and this woman only wanted dad to help her and wouldn't commit to helping him so the situation got a little fraught. Dad ended up in hospital and then I managed to get him into respite nursing home care as he didn't want to be alone and this woman didn't want him with her full-time. Oh and this was after they had been to Ibiza and on a cruise in the two years after my mum had died, both around the anniversary of my mum's death. This stung as my mum had loved her holidays and dad hadn't gone with her for many years, citing ill-health. Dad died in May of this year but it's not his death which is so upsetting but what went before.
Karen
Too many to want to dwell on all of them sadly;
being separated from my brother at the age of 9, we were so very close. Although I saw him literally once or twice in the next 2 to 3 years it was then 28 years before we reconnected fully. I hurts even now to write that. 28 years. Some of that was my fault for carrying old resentments drummed into me by my mother, but mostly it was her fault for separating us at all due to her inability to deal with my brother wanting to spend more time with his Dad like an adult. Instead she had his bags packed and him out the door within two hours and dropped on his doorstep.
Little did I know then but that is where my relationship with the black dog of depression started although I wouldn't realise for nearly 3 decades.
Realising that friendship to some does not mean what it should and watching the agonising death of trust and respect.
Being bullied at work and having all the joy sucked from a job I loved and feeling forced to leave as there was simply no one to step in or way to change the situation.
Plus more extremely difficult situations. I wouldn't change any of them now as I learned valuable lessons from them all and they helped to make me who I am now, which is a very different person to who I was.
Strangely each one has made me a better, kinder, more open person, unlike my mother who used any and all excuses to become harder, more closed and so very bitter. She clutched onto every supposed slight and grudge like a miser with his money. It left her twisted and miserable.
I forgave, and cared for every memory I hope without allowing them to drag me down (especially once enlightened to how very low it could take me) and now I stand atop the mountain of my moments and am proud to say I am OK.
Hi GoGo_JoJo
You've had your fair share haven't you?
Although at the we're going through extremely difficult situations as you described, I agree it's not until very much later in life that we can think 'Well actually, that's helped form my nature and outlook' I been through a great deal too and I definitely didn't think that way until quite recently, maybe that's the way it should be who knows Jo but I would have appreciated a little hindsight much earlier in my life!
Take care Jo
Chloe x
