So much distress.

[cs0717]

Last year my great grandmother got really sick with cancer really fast. She was the warmest and most loving person, and what feels like the glue that kept my family together. I associate her with every sort of love and safety that I felt growing up. I was by her side almost everyday through her illness and her passing. (Sometimes if I worked long hours I wouldn’t visit that day) and I got to her probably 10 minutes late the morning she passed. We were all in shambles. When she first started getting really bad I began to feel anger and resentment for the world and everything and everyone that I loved. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. But everyone else around me was in so much pain, and my pain and lashing out just made everyone feel worse. So I put it away. Over a year later (about 5 or 6 months ago) I started having an OCD flare up which I didn’t know was OCD. I’ve felt like my world is over and everything is dark. Like I’m going crazy. And I’m having that same feeling again. Of being afraid and angry and hateful toward everything that once made me feel warm. Which doesn’t help me talk myself out of the intrusive thoughts caused by my OCD. I feel like I want to run away and never see my family again. It’s not fair, all they’ve done is love and support me unconditionally my whole life. Has anyone else struggled with these same feelings and how do I begin to get past them? I just want to be a part of my family again. This is not me at all. I don’t want to hurt them or break their hearts. I’m in so much pain.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello cs0717

Welcome to our Community.

I really am so very sorry that the loss of your great grandmother has affected you in this way. We all react differently to loss and in very close relationships such as yours, we tend to lash out at the nearest person because we are hurting so much. We cannot understand or answer the why's, why this happened, why wasn't I there etc. and our world is turned upside down. In truth, we cannot find an answer and blaming ourselves results in other health issues arising, just as you have described.

I really hope that you have been given talking therapies to support your OCD and you are always welcome here, anytime, so please stay with us, I'm sure you'll have lots of support from our members.

Chloe x

[Hidden]

Hello cs0717

I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your great grandmother.

Losing a much loved member of the family is devastating. Grief affects everyone differently cs0717. It would seem that you had to put strong emotions you were feeling on hold and they are now resurfacing.

I think talking to a counsellor about how you feel may help you. Make an appointment to see your Doctor and tell him how you are feeling. He/she will be able to refer you to a counsellor.

We are always here to support you cs0717, take care

Lottie

[Natsteveo]

Hi cs0717 thanks for sharing your feelings with us...

These feelings of anger and frustration is so normal it's part of your grieving process...you've loved your nan for so long so when she passed it was hugely upsetting and completely heartbreaking and made a huge impact on everyone's life...everybody grieves differently sweetie so your grief is at the angry stage..your mad and angry because you probably feel "why my nan..why her" just remember all those years she loved you and she still will she will always love you..your memories you have and made with her nobody can take them away from you..she will live in your heart forever..it's hard to lose a loved one..the pain dosnt go away but it gets easier over time your love for her will never go away

Be kind to yourself just know this is normal

Love Nat xxx

[Cherbear811]

Very sorry, i wish i had my grammy right about now

[cs0717 in reply to Cherbear811]

Me too. But with the OCD I often feel like I wouldn’t want her to see me like this, especially when I feel like some sort of monster. Sorry for your loss <3

[Cherbear811 in reply to cs0717]

Much love <3 and you are not alone in feeling like a monster, i feel so vile everyday, but we will prevail somehow. I hope