The 90 day mark

[Rayvenjade]

The 27th was 90 days since son was found deceased.......Began having anxiety two days before & crying since. This has left a hole in my soul along with the other two holes from parents passing. I thought my dad was the worst loss experience. Mom wasn't far behind. Both were very intense as my life began falling apart & needing their wisdom to find my way. I've felt like an orphan since mom passed & the realization of how alone I truly was hit when I woke up in an ER with a tube in my throat. I saw both of my boys for maybe 3 minutes before being rushed to ICU. I had stopped breathing in the exam room at the doctor's office. My temp had spiked to 107.6 & was diagnosed with meningitis. My boys drove 3 hrs to see me for 3 minutes. They were the only family I saw my stay in the hospital. I was truly alone & on my own. I find that I am feeling this again despite having a new husband & family. They've all been very supportive & comforting. I'm thankful to have them. I can't shake the emptiness or how alone I feel. My youngest son lost his brother, my ex daughter in law lost her best friend, my grandma lost her great grandson, my husband lost his step son & my step kids lost a step brother & yet I feel so alone! Why?!? It's not right to feel this way when we've all lost such a treasure! I feel like my insides are shredded to pieces! I've lost other family members but my parents & especially my son have been the hardest to endure! My son would be living with us now & he & I would be doing the things we had planned.........I so miss my son!

I know others here are hurting too & my heart is breaking for each of you & your loss💔💧💧💧

I don't expect anyone to understand what the loss of a child, age irrelevant, feels like nor do I expect anyone to have the right words, there aren't any. I once thought grief was grief. I have since learned that depending on who it is, the grief has varying degrees or levels of pain associated with it. I lost a best friend on my birthday a month after mom passed(bf life was taken) & a year later on mom's death date another best friend took his life. I still cry for them all. But I have to say that my son.......Well.......It's different. I can't find the words to describe it but the side effects are debilitating! Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe! I constantly see things that remind me of him & the tears flow. I can't control it so being in public is difficult. I can't keep my thoughts in order, forgetting important things, not sure if I'm coming or going, confused, can't sleep,, don't care if I eat( I do eat), feeling so empty.........So empty.......

[mskpjb]

In Feb 2011 after 10 months of him knowing he was going to die, I finally lost my son.

. . In June my beloved brother died and in June my husband was told that his prostate cancer had spread to his lungs, liver and bones, I nursed him till he died in October of the same year

2011 is a year I'll never forget. The strain of keeping strong, the agony of watching your son face fear and pain and being unable to take that away. Yes it is different. You will feel raw for a time, cherish the good memories. I can't promise you'll get over it but you'll learn to live with it because you have no choice.I'm still screaming inside every day. God bless, Sheila x

[Rayvenjade in reply to mskpjb]

mskpjb, so sorry to hear of your many losses as well! Hugs! Thank you for sharing & suggestions. I am still hanging in there. I have a family to still care for. I haven't stopped living or stayed in bed or anything like that. Knowing Jase was ill & was living on borrowed time may have eased some of the grief in a way. It's those moments that crash in on me when I'm out & I see something that reminds me of him & realizing I can't get that item for him, or we were supposed to be doing this together, etc. that are the most raw now. I am learning to live around it all. I have no choice & I do cherish my memories of him. Its all I have of him.

I still miss my dad & mom too. Watching them die was very difficult & though I often think of how I should've been there, a part of me is glad I wasn't there to witness it. I dreaded the day I'd have to watch as my son die of his illness & being helpless to stop it .

I have come to that time in my life journey of many losses. I think we all do. Somehow we manage to carry on. I know death is part of the life cycle & try to keep a realistic perspective of it. I allow myself to feel what I feel right then, ponder it a little then let it pass. I have to. I still have rough days , but good days are returning & lasting longer. I have other demons to slay that plague me. I often feel as if I could use a recharge vacation.

Maybe someday........

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Rayvenjade

I'm so sorry you're having such a painful time {{{hugs}}} so many losses in your life. We never get used to loss, we just bare it and we never expect to lose a precious child either, that is so very hard to cope with.

Have you seen a Bereavement Counsellor? I would seriously consider doing so as you have so much grief inside, it is eating you away. We are always here for you, so please keep in touch.

Chloe

[Rayvenjade in reply to chloe40]

Chloe40, thanks for your kindness. I feel for everyone on here that is hurting. You're correct in that we never get used to loss. We'd lose empathy & compassion for others if we did.

No, I haven't been to see a bereavement counselor yet. I am caregiver of father in law & at the moment is keeping us busy with many new doctor appointments. Many of his doctors have retired so now new ones have been assigned. He is more time consuming than the grief right now. He is the first person I've met that was trying to will himself to die. It's very aggravating

I take it a day at a time.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Rayvenjade]

HI Rayvenjade

I think perhaps caring for you Father-in -law is a good distraction but don't forget about self care, look after yourself.

Chloe x