Weird Feeling

[Micheleminges]

Hello. I am 4 months into my postpartum psychosis episode . I am currently taking zyprexa , lithium, lamictol, and Zoloft. I have been feeling this weird, horrible feeling that I can’t really explain all throughout the day. This feeling makes me feel trapped and miserable. Can anyone relate ?

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Micheleminges,

How are you feeling today?

Congratulations on the birth of our baby, I am sorry that you consequently suffered from postpartum psychosis.

I had pp in 2018 and took zoloft and zyprexa, I didn't take lithium or lamictol I am afraid, so I cannot share my experience on those last 2. My psychosis manifested with mania, delusions and visual hallucinations. And after that high I went into a very deep depression which lasted for a few months. It is unfortunately common to experience depression after pp, I saw it as my brain trying to overcompensate for the initial high and leaning towards the other extreme. My dose of zoloft was progressively increased until I found my equilibrium again. Do you feel like a medication review can be an option if your current mood is very low? Apart from medication do you have access to therapy?

I really feel for you as I found the depression that followed pp very tough. But it will get better, progressively and sometimes so slowly and with up and downs, but in time you will see a marked improvement in the way you feel. 4 months is early days in the recovery process, but you are recovering.

Thinking of you and take care, write whenever you feel like it. This is a great group of mums always happy to share their experience.

[Micheleminges in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you so much for the reply . It doesn’t feel like depression to me , it feels worse . Maybe it is medicine related, I don’t know . I’m so worried that This feeling will never go away. I’m just scared. This whole experience has been horrible.

[Micheleminges in reply to Micheleminges]

Could you describe your depression ? Also, I am doing therapy but I don’t feel like it helps.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Micheleminges]

Hi Micheleminges,

On the depression that followed it, I felt a very marked paranoia that every action I took was observed by everyone and evaluated, this on its own was overwhelming and anxiety inducing. Coupled to that I felt as if everything had lost its colour, I gathered no pleasure from anything. That caused me to be quite weepy as in a fashion I yearned and mourned for the way I used to be able to see the world before becoming ill. When others talked about the future it made me feel completely detached and distant, I couldn't plan for further than the next hour or so. I lost the ability of making decisions and recoiled into myself. I was still able to drag myself out of bed and get on with the day, to look after my daughter, a routine helped me a lot with that.

I would recommend you approach your psychiatrist to ask questions about the medication. I was only on a couple of yours as I said before and everyone's reaction to drugs is different. A review may be in order. Sertraline took a while to properly have an effect on me I would say it wasn't before a month till I finally saw some coming back to my equilibrium.

Take good care, I hope that you are able to chat to the doctors about this

[Micheleminges in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thank you for the in depth response . I’m not capable of long responses right now . Can I ask how long your depression lasted ?

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Micheleminges]

It went for a couple of months but once the anti depressant kicked after a bit less than month of starting it I saw a marked improvement in my mood.

Take it slowly for the time being, it feels never ending right now but it passes.

CBT also helped me a lot during my depression. In the first sessions we started by drawing a plan of activities for the week, very basic things, washing my hair, going for a walk, small stuff like that. But it was the start of setting up a routine for the day. It gave me a sense of control and achievement that I was needing so badly.

I wish you all the best, please don't feel the need to reply, just write and read on the forum when you feel it will be helpful. One day at a time and little by little. You will go back to yourself.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Micheleminges and welcome to the forum,

I hope you are finding the shared experiences here helpful - and I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing these feelings. When I had PP, I found that I didn't feel like myself for the months that followed my episode but in hindsight I can now recognise that taking time for my brain and body to heal was important. I know it's really easy to say, but you won't feel like this forever- recovery is an individual journey for everyone but there is light & hope and you can get to where you want to be.

Are you able to ask your mental health team if the feelings might be connected to your medication? I also wanted to share this link to APP's Insider Guides which you might find helpful, including Recovery which has some information there too: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

Take care, and we are here to chat, thinking of you, xx

[Micheleminges in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Thank you so much for the response . I feel pretty hopeless right now and find it really hard to get through the day. How long does it generally take to heal ? This feeling is horrible and when I wake up and feel the exact same it makes me think that this will last forever, which is terrifying.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator in reply to Micheleminges]

Hi Micheleminges, how are things going for you? I'm sorry to hear that you are finding the days hard to get through. Recovery can be like that sometimes - whilst it's a very individual journey, I did find some days to be awful and then I would have a good day and I would really cling onto that. It did take some time, but the good days started to outweigh the bad ones. I know it's really easy for me to say, but it won't always be this way. We are here to chat, take care, & thinking of you, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Congratulations on the birth of your baby It is so sad that such a joy should be tarnished by such an awful illness and I'm sorry you are suffering at the moment. As you will see from the link you have been given, recovery is very up and down with some days better than others.

Are you in the UK? I had PP twice, six years apart, many years ago but didn't take the medications you have listed. Feeling worse than being depressed must be really awful. Have you spoken to your family or care team about how you are feeling? I had a deep depression following PP and everything was such an effort, even getting out of bed!

I think you have been through so much and need to give yourself time to come to terms with all that has happened to you. I know as PP mums we like to think we can pick up where we left off but that's just not possible. Please don't expect too much of yourself too soon. With good medical care and support you will begin to feel better eventually.

These are very challenging times at the moment with the Covid-19 outbreak so please take care of yourself and perhaps let your therapist know how you truly feel so he or she can tailor the therapy to meet your needs at the moment.

Thinking of you ...... it's not easy but you will recover over time.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Micheleminges

Just wondering how you are and whether you feel therapy is helping now a few months on? I notice that you are in the USA and wonder if you might find help locally via Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net/?

I well remember feeling helpless and hopeless and found my depression very draining. As you say, it is an awful feeling but with good medical care and support you will eventually begin to feel better. Try not to rush though as you have been through a very traumatic experience fighting PP.

Take care ... be kind to yourself. We are all here for you across the miles. x