TW - Suicidal ideation

[Zebrawhite]

I am feeling very vulnerable at the moment due to feeling like I'm being used as part of an experiment. I feel so different in my body since having psychosis, and I am afraid of people I don't know in case they are in on the experiment. I don't know how to make the paranoid thoughts stop and am feeling like turning to desperate measures to end it. Has anyone else experienced anything like this before but managed to pull themselves back from the brink? I don't know what to do, I am still waiting on another medication review.

[yougotthis1 Volunteer]

Hi Zebrawhite ,

I’m so sorry to hear how vulnerable you’re feeling right now.

Are you able to keep yourself safe at the moment? Do you have someone with you that you can trust?

Please reach out as soon as possible to your local perinatal mental health team for support, they will help you through this. Please don’t wait for your medication review. If you’re struggling they will want to know so they can help.

I’ve met lots of people who have pulled themselves back from the brink and you can do this too. I promise it will get better.

If you need “out of hours” support then you can call 111 to ask for help or other support can be found on the NHS website.

This will pass and you will recover from this.

Take care x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Zebrawhite,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Please know it won't feel like this forever.

As yougotthis1 has said, please reach out to your team and tell them how you're feeling and about the thoughts you've been having. It's really important to keep yourself safe and have support while feeling so vulnerable. You don't have to wait until your next appointment.

Hopefully you have a number you can call to access support, and NHS111 also now offer mental health crisis support 24/7 (call 111 and select the mental health option). Do reach out for some support - help is out there to get you through this time.

Stay safe, I'm thinking of you.

Jenny xx

[Survivedwithcolor]

I have felt like that and you are not alone. Try to immerse yourself in sensory experiences if you can, and reconnect to the parts of you that do seem real. Music, art, a hot bath, exercise, working with an animal, creating something. It does not have to be great art, just do something that involves your senses. Get some paints and just paint splotches of color. Color with markers in a coloring book. Decorate a cake or sculpt clay or bread dough. Hang up fall decorations or put together a wreath of colored leaves. No talent required and no one has to see it - the only requirement is that you're doing something where you are seeing, hearing, and feeling what is real for a little while. This is what got me through, when I couldn't escape what seemed unreal. And keep repeating to yourself, this is temporary. You will be well again, the rest of us are living proof.

[Fowler01]

you’re so brave for speaking up and your not the only one here that’s felt like this. Remember it’s part of the illness and these thoughts will go away and in time you will get better. Take care and I hope you get the help you deserve and need. X

[Ellacott_08 Volunteer]

Hi Zebrawhite

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

I know it can feel incredibly isolating when you're having these thoughts. Although my experience of pp wasn't the same as yours, I did feel suicidal, and spent many days feeling like I would never recover. But I got there, and Ive met lots of other women who have been at rock bottom as well.

You are not alone, please reach out and ask for help as our other volunteers have mentioned.

I know it's hard when you're in the eye of the storm, but the storm will pass.

Take care

Becky xxx

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Zebrawhite, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. How was the night? Were you able to reach out to the NHS 111 or to the out of hours number for your team? I agree with what others have said about not waiting for the next meds review.

I am thinking of you, do reach out for help because it is out there. Sending you a virtual hug, you are not alone in this, I had at some point experienced the same thoughts.

Maria

[rosie54321]

Hi Zebrawhite

So sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I had PP back in 2022 and when I was in hospital at my worst I thought after my emergency c section that the epidural was actually a device the hospital had implanted to control my body and thoughts, bizarre, but so real at the time and I know how it can spiral. I am still recovering now. But know things can get better, speak to your perinatal mental health team and they will support you as best they can.

Take care and hope you are feeling better soon x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Zebrawhite,

How are you doing at the moment? Have you managed to get some mental health support, perhaps a possible change of medication? I really hope you can find the support you need, as the thoughts you are experiencing sound really upsetting.

Know we're here whenever you want to write

take care

Ellie

[Zebrawhite in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi Ellie

Thank you for checking in with me. I am still having upset thoughts but I am getting a phone call to discuss it with the new mental health team I'm going to be under today.

I am still trying to shake the thought that someone has altered my dna and is monitoring me.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to Zebrawhite]

Hi Zebra white

So sorry you’re still struggling with upsetting thoughts. How did the phone call go today? Did you feel able to tell them how you’ve been feeling and the kind of thoughts you’ve been having? I hope it was helpful, and they might be able to help in some way, like changing medication etc.

know we’re here to write to anytime.

Take care

Ellie x

[Zebrawhite in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Hi Ellie

It went ok thank you. They are going to look at my medication next week, that was the first thing they said. They said I'm doing all the right things to get better but medication needs review .

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to Zebrawhite]

Ah that’s great the meeting went ok and that you’ll have your medication reviewed next week. And reassuring to know you’re doing all the right things to get better. It does take time and sometimes it can take time to find the right medication.

Take care